To Feel?

"To write is to express the emotions you feel deep within your soul".
But the question is "how do you express emotions when you can't feel them?"
First of all, what is "to feel" mean?
When you don't feel real, how do you write?
I try to explain this to someone-a therapist- that I feel miles away from my own body, that I feel numb; that I can't feel.
You try it.
You Sound mentally insane.
Here goes: "Well, you see doctor, I think I'm away....I mean I don't feel like I'm here right now......Ummm I've been having an out of body experience for about two years now...??"
The therapist gives me a sympathetic look but I can swear she's thinking "What the fuck?"
The she asks me, "Have you been experimenting with drugs?"--No--"No?"
I know she thinks I'm lying and says
"Well it seems to me that you're under some stress, here take this medication".
What She really wanted to say was
"You are fucking crazy, you are eventually going to end up in a mental institution".
So if to write is to express feeling how do you rephrase this to someone that can't really feel emotion?
Do you just say what writing is?
"Well writing is when you take a pen and write down words"??
That doesn't sound right..
Then when I try to explain this to someone- lets say a friend- he thinks I'm lying.
I begin to believe that I AM crazy.
So I take my medication as prescribed- once a day, before bed.
After a couple of months, an emotion slaps me in the face, out of no where.
How am I supposed to react to that?
I stop taking my medication.
How do I explain to my doctor that I stopped taking my medication because I didn't like feeling real?? 1

As I sat in her office, I looked around at all the things she had in there.
She has pictures, toys, board games. Not as if that has anything to do with my problem, just an observation I made.
I've been seeing her for a while now, and I always wonder why she chose this as her proffession.
I've heard before that "therapists are therapists because they can't solve their own problems"
If thats true, everyone thats been going to a therapist is screwed.
How does one mentally ill person help another mentally ill person?
I want to ask her that every single time I'm in there.
But i Don't.
Before I get too ahead of myself, Lets go back to part 1.
Not when I first began writing, but to the reason I think I don't feel real.
It all began when I was In my early teens.
That sounds like a very cliche sentence for some reason. Something some writers do to try and sound smart.
As I was saying, I was young, happy, and gullible.
My dad had just left my mom for another woman, and my mom began beating me.
That sounds too harsh..."beating".
Its not as bad as it sounds, it "molded you into the person you are today" or so my mom says.
Things got difficult after my dad left, I felt so alone and I had a great amount of free time...to think.
I thought about everything; from "why is the sky blue" to "why am i in this world?".....or am i?
I began to beleieve- and i still believe this to this day- that I am a figment of my or someone else's imagination.
I've never told my doctor that.
I think it might be too much and that she might actually send me into a mental ward.
I don't want to go to a mental ward. People in there are crazy.
Now that I think about it, I don't tell my doctor much.
I haven't even told her that I stopped taking my medication, she still prescribes it to me and whenever she asks me if its working
I say "I think so, I'm not sure".
Sometimes I think she'll judge me if I tell her everything thats REALLY going on in my mind. 2

A contest entry

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Comments

  • LucidLakes
    February 15
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    This was an amazing story. I really get the sense of what the character is feeling and how much he/she is hiding from the therapist, for fear of being deemed insane or a lunatic. It seems to me like the character feels that the therapist doesn't really understand what he'she is going through--and that no one can really understand.

    This was well done. (:

    Good Luck in my contest. (:


  • Paper.thin.paradox
    February 15

    Edit | Reply
    hmm that was intersting
    and amazingly mind boggling (:
    i'm a tad speechless actually. great job.
    ohh and really nice wording

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Shah Z
    February 15

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    Woh!I mean WOW! Amazing, I don't believe that, the person is insane. This is what is called, a beautiful mind in the real sense. Great Work.