by Geri Fitzsimmons & Andy Stephenson1
The June sun hadn’t completely kicked the darkness from the sky, when a jogger came to a stop, dropped on a bench and opted to relax in the cool breezes of Central Park. He watched a runner coming past him now as she continued on.2
Renee Weinberg, perhaps tipping the scales at a 110 pounds, with her dark brown hair bouncing on her shoulders, ran here for an hour each morning. Today he’d made a point of catching up with her. Completely at ease with his hoody pulled up to hide his face; he enjoyed the scent of her sweat mingling with the air as he ran by her, covering an extra half a block before he stopped.3
Certain that she would return to claim her white Mazda parked just outside the fence, he didn’t bother to continue his run this morning. It was pleasant for him to sit in open places, watching the life of the city moving along. He would contemplate the value of individuals, guessing at their type of employment, and what, if any, credible assets they gave back to society for the privilege of life. For life to him was a gift many humans didn’t deserve. In particular those weak and whiny females who hung on to some man though he abused or demeaned them. He saw these women as disgusting creatures who should be removed from existence before their bodies could bring forth youngsters to share their fate. 4
Never one to panic, he’d been only slightly troubled by the police visit. He felt confident that their investigations into these suicides were still just that—something they were required to do to earn their pay. Finishing the takeout coffee, that had finally grown cool enough to drink, he glanced around for a trash receptacle. The only one in the immediate area hadn’t been emptied after a night’s use. He took several tissues from his pocket wiped the cup inside and out before he crushed the Styrofoam and placed it in the pocket of his jogging shorts for a later disposal.5
He’d only arrived in New York City a little more than a year ago and already he knew the city better than folks who lived here all their lives. This became his new hunting ground. There where so many lonely and worthless young females here. These severely depressed women were easily coerced into taking their own lives with his assistance. His eyes grew brighter and he ran his tongue around his lips in anticipation. New York was the perfect spot for him.6
He was proud of himself for changing his technique. That last Carolina murder had nearly finished him. The bitch only had a few hundred in her checking account and her charge cards were maxed out. Short on funds, he’d been forced to stay in Charleston longer than he planned. 7
The discovery of the body caused uproar, far worse than he’d faced before. The victim was a shirttail relative of a local lawman, who made the capture of her killer a personal vendetta. 8
While he sweat out those last weeks in Charleston, awaiting payment for jewelry he was forced to unload in a hurry, a new plan took form. He decided to create a new modus operandi. Since it wasn’t important how the women died, just that the wimpy little wenches met an early death, he would make their departure from this world less violent. 9
Now he glanced up just as Renee jogged back into view. He dropped his head, and his hoody further disguised his features as he began rubbing his left calf muscle while she ran by him. 10
Her scent lingered in the air a moment. Like the predator he was, he sniffed and smiled with eagerness.11
It was just a quarter to seven. The skinny brunette had two hours before her first class.12
With no need to follow Renee, since he knew her destination, he waited until the white Mazda pulled into traffic. 13
Nonchalantly, he headed for his own car. From the trunk he removed a pair of navy slacks and black loafers. He slipped out of the hoody and tossed it inside. Once the air conditioner’s output sufficiently cooled the inside of the auto he pulled on his slacks, shoved in the bottom of the dress shirt he’d worn under the hoody, and exchanged white sneakers for black loafers.14
A quick comb to dark hair, and he set off to reel in his prey.15
At five minutes past eight, the white Mazda was still where he expected it to remain until quarter till nine when Renee, with wet hair hanging, and a tote hung over her shoulder, would come rushing from the apartment building.16
Not this morning my delightful Renee, he thought and smiled. He'd been sitting in his luxurious car listening to Jethro Tull's Aqualung. He loved Jethro Tull. Having a smoke and a Coke, he imaged how his encounter with Renee would go. He expected no difficulty. She would be like the others. He could feel his pulse quickening as he left the car. 17
He walked briskly the half block required. He was about to ring for permission to enter the building, when a man in a postal uniform came out.18
"Nice day, isn't it," said the postman as he held the door open.19
"Yes, it is," he replied as he stepped into the entrance hall. 'Damn it!' he thought. 'I didn't see him go in.'20
Still, if anyone questioned the postman, which didn’t seem likely in a suicide case, what could he tell them? A friendly dark haired guy in a suit passed me on the stairs. It would seem stranger if he refused the offer of the open door. Besides didn’t Renee deserve the day off? He let out a soft whistle.21
He took the elevator to the fourth floor. Renee's apartment was on the right in the hall facing north, number 417. Just as he was about to knock, the door across the hall opened. Without thinking, he turned. An elderly woman wearing a faded print robe was picking up her newspaper. She smiled at him and said, "Good morning. Renee’s usually left for work by now.”22
"Oh," he said. "Then I should probably come back later."23
She smiled and stepped back inside.24
‘Shows how much you know old lady,’ he thought. ‘She won’t leave for another thirty minutes-- "Shit!" he said under his breath. The postman, and now the woman. The nosey woman was too much. The postman might not remember him, but surely the woman would. 'Well, Renee. If you are to die today, I guess it will have to be without my help.' He turned and left the building the way he had come.
In a list
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
-
A good chapter, I'm glad he didn't get his way. So the police have visited him, now I wonder who he is, I keep thinking it's Mark but I'm not sure it can be.
I din't notice any typos but #5 threw me, how did he run with coffee? Did I miss something?
Th.
-
Iam as captivated as ever
This is a very beatifly told story, I can not wait for the next chapter...
I see you use pictures on your stories. I have recienlty became a silver member, even if only for a month and I to can put pictures on stpories...I have taken full advantage of this and love it 100%
The one,
and only
*~Karissa~*
-
-
Hello Karissa, thanks for continuing to read our scribbles.
I'm sorry you stopped posting your story
.
Geri
-
-
XD I love this story...but I am posting a new story for Novles Only, It's Oceans Blood. I just hit a really bad writers block, so I'm putting Ivy down for a while ^^
-
-
-
Hey Geri and Andy,
These new chapters seem so familiar that I have to check to see if I've commented or not. Your killer didn't get to have his fun on this day. Boo hoo. Didn't see anything to mention that's not already in other comments. Nice smooth read.
Steve
-
-
Steve
just knowing you are taking the time to check over the re-writes is great 
.
Geri
-
-
Creepy
That was so creppy, but I see he is losing it. Letting too many people see him. This is getting intense!
-
-
So,
you think he's going to get himself caught? Isn't that the tragedy of most serial killers, just as they get to going good, they get caught
. Oh well, we'll just have to see.
Andy
-
-
I can't find a way to figure out how to number the paragraphs.
I feel like "While he [sweated] out those last weeks"
or
"While [he'd sweated] out"
sounds better than "while he sweat out" but it's looking more natural the more I stew on it.
There [were] so many lonely and worthless young females here
An interesting look into our killer's mind. He's been questioned, that's curious...
I'm glad Renee escaped death, at least today -
-
Wow!
I noticed in my views that you're really going through our story fast. Thanks, we appreciate it.
Between the comment box and the clappies, you'll see a 'line numbers' link. Click it and after a few moments the line numbers will change. They will appear light, dark, or not at all. They change each time you click that link.
Thanks for pointing out the errors.
I hope you like the way the story is developing.
Andy
-
-
Lucky Renee
I really enjoyed this chapter. The descriptions, action and vivid imagery are marvellous
A few spots for your consideration:
p3 - ran by her(,)
p4 - open places (,)
p4 - employment, (and) what(,) if any(,)
p10 - head (,)
p11 - moment, like (moment. Like)
p13 - Renee(,)
p14 - under the hoody(,)
p16 - hanging(,)
p16 - shoulder(,)
p21 - what could he tell them. - delete (.) insert (?)
p22 - forth (fourth)
p22 - Rene's (Renee's)
p25 - postman(,)
An leisurely read which I thoroughly enjoyed.
(Now for my 'geri' impersonation)
-
-
Hi Lawrie!
It doesn't seem that I replied to this comment and you pointed out a lot of errors. Hmm? I'll bookmarked this and come back to it and see if I fixed them.
Thanks. Sorry for not replying sooner
.
Andy
-
-
Excellent chapter, Yeah one got away.. at least for now.
Can't wait to read more.
The only thing I saw was in Paragraph (11) , like the predator he was (,) I'm not great at grammer so this might be wrong but I think there should be a comma there? If not sorry.. I thought maybe you just missed it..
Can't wait to read more!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
-
Good morning, so happy to 'see' you are continuing to read and enjoy our novel.
Renee got away? he did invest a lot of time and emotion on this lady, do you think he will forget about her?
Second drafts, don't always draw a lot of 'Critters' so thanks for staying with this.
Geri
-
Hi Artaq!
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. We appreciate it. You're correct, that comma should be there.
Yeah, we decided to let Renee get away. It's only logical that things might not work well for our killer some of the time. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Andy
-
-
Excellent!
this is very good chapter! Pack full of details that draws the reader into this piece. You really got into his mind as a killer.
http://storywrite.com/story/279524
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
-
Hi Lynn!
How are you?
Thanks for reading this chapter and for commenting and all the applause. We appreciate it. I'm glad you like our story.
Andy
-
-
Good job. Who started this novel, you or Gerri.
It's getting very good -
-
Hi Trish!
I wrote a short story and I asked Geri if she would help me flesh it out. That's how this novel began. Geri has spent a tremendous amount of time and energy developing this novel. I add ideas as it goes along, but Geri is the major force behind it.
Andy
-
-
He did exactly the same thing with the cup as that nasty little man Mark does with his! Is this a connection? I doubt it, I don't think you'd give me the ID of the killer that easily! Also, I liked how he didn't decide to kill the old lady and Renee, otherwise all types of poo will start flying! But thats what they say about serial killers, they suddenly get out of hand with their MO and start killing anything that moves!
I thought this was brilliant. Cheers Andy!
-
-
Hi Mike!
Yes, Geri and I debated on just what to do with Renee. I hope you're happy with our decision.
This serial killer has no plans of stopping or getting caught. Of course, that might be true of most serial killers.
Brilliant? Thanks for the compliment. It's Geri who makes the story come to life.
Andy
-
-
I love this. I'm seeing flaws in his M.O. but they add to the character, they aren't mistakes on your part as authors.
I'm seeing a common beginner's error though in your writing. That error is misplaced commas. There are two sentences that really stand out to me. They are as follows:
The June sun hadn’t completely kicked the darkness from the sky, when a jogger came to a stop, dropped on a bench and opted to relax in the cool breezes of Central Park.
In that sentence, the jogger is actually the subject, but because of the comma, you have made the subject the sun. The comma between sky and when does NOT need to be there. The other comma is correct. Onto the next one:
He was about to ring for permission to enter the building, when a man in a postal uniform came out.
This one has nothing to do with the subject, but it is an improper place for a comma. Neither half is a complete sentence so it's not even a comma splice. Remove it and it would be perfect.
Hope I've helped.
-
-
Hi Rainy!
Thanks for the help with the commas. I didn't notice those. We'll get it corrected on the copy going to the agent and later here.
Andy
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 23 of 23
