Mourning

Missing image
My heart feels cramped in this little chest
Swollen double its size from this crying fest1

To lose you was to fight a long love battle
Like pulling myself across the ocean with a rowboat and a paddle2

I chase away all your greatest fears
Praying they dont haunt me in the upcoming years3

Mourning has become an everyday chore
I mean, really, what else do I have to live for?4

The words just flow swiftly, neat onto the pages
Ink and tears appear in different stages5

I close everyone out, and like a really bad ache
This battered and tattered heart just won't seem to break6

It clings to my frame for its last few hours
The bitter taste in my mouth is a solemn sour7

The blades, the bullets, and the old rope in the attic
Are things of the past as my feet lift off the ground in panic8

To God's arms I go, to my own special heaven
With you, I will meet, once again9

A place where you'll hold me forever and more
This is truley what I wanted to live for10

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • LynksTryforceGurl
    June 11
    Edit | Reply
    the rhyming pattern was very simple, but your word choice made it wonderful! great job!


  • GossipGirlLuvR
    May 18

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. I love the wording and the rhyming. Everything about this was just awesome. Great job! I wish you the best of luck in my contest.


  • Shadow-Kissed
    May 3
    Edit | Reply
    Nice flow to this poem. I absolutely LOVE it. Wish you luck in the contest.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • DemApples
    April 17
    Edit | Reply
    powerful welcome to the next round


  • Vampiric souls
    March 19

    Edit | Reply
    This is amazing!! Such beautiful writing and a great idea!! So much emotion and an amazing idea!!
    Thank you so much for entering!!
    ~Souls


  • lavanya
    March 5

    Edit | Reply
    My god how much sad you made me..you really discribed the pain of losing someone very well, it was kind of emotional . i felt a pin in my heart when i was reading this poem . good job dear , keep it up but don't forget to smile..good luck.


  • Keirii
    March 1

    Edit | Reply
    Besides some puctuation problems this was pretty good.

    Especially the ending, and the way you described her feelings
    and thoughts was beautifully done!!!

    Great job


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    February 26
    Edit | Reply
    Very nice, but very sad. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
    Brooke


  • SunshineDancer423
    February 26

    Edit | Reply

    Comment from SD423

    I really liked it, I think this is my favorite so far that has been entered in my contest. I flowed really well. Here are a few tips, in 7 maybe try 'for its last long hour' at the end of the first line, that way it will rhyme withe sour better, and I think it might flow a little better too.
    And in the 10th line, I think something like 'this is truely, what we should live for.' Because soemtimes when I read something, and it doesn't flow correctly for me, I automatically find myself fixing and changing words to make it sound better. I'm wierd.

    Good Luck!

    SD423


  • Lois.Stone
    February 25
    Edit | Reply
    you instantly go to the finilists! I love it!

    loisx


  • dancer.
    February 20
    Edit | Reply

    Good

    I love it. Honestly. I cannot correct anything. Good job.

     

    Outstanding. :-)


  • UhhLizzAhhBett
    February 18
    Edit | Reply
    Omg,i loved it. Its sad and basically perfect!

  • Rosewoolf
    February 17

    Edit | Reply
    I thought that this was extremely powerful and it was really very sad. I honestly couldn't find one thing wrong with this. It was amazing. I loved it. I wish that i could write like this.

    You really portrayed all the feelings of someone who has just lost someone who is very important to them and how it slowly eats away at you and how you want so much to be with them again. Over all it was incredibly wonderful and made me honestly feel sad.

    <3 stryker


  • iPoopAThug
    February 16

    Edit | Reply

    Really powerful and sad

    You portrayed the feeling of ultimate loss pretty well, and the feeling of a heart aching and slowly destroying you. The effort and pain from just getting up and feeling the absence and all of that. Sweet and sad.


  • Cadburry melted
    February 14

    Edit | Reply
    first off let me say BRAVO! this is a beautiful piece of writing. i can tell that you have lost someone and this isn't just an idea that popped into your head and in return i felt this. sigh. really well done


  • LynksTryforceGurl
    February 14
    Edit | Reply
    very moving. good word choice.


  • SCREAMxTOxxBExHEARD
    February 14
    Edit | Reply
    It was so....WOW!! ^-^


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    February 14

    Edit | Reply
    Really good. The lines flowed smoothly and the emotion was very apparent in the words. I enjoyed the read. Beautiful yet sad at the same time. Normally, I look to offer helpful criticism but found nothing wrong here- so great work I look forward to reading more from you!!


  • bulan
    February 14
    Edit | Reply
    woow greeaat


  • TyShade
    February 13
    Edit | Reply
    *gasp* It's...so pretty...and sad...and amazing. Wow. Very good.

1 - 21 of 21