Hard and damp, the floor of the cabin smelled like decaying animal carcasses. Curtains, once probably made to block out the few rays of sun left in the county, lie torn on the floor. A voice from outside the cabin called, "Jason! Jason come out of there!" It was harsh and gravely, like someone who smoked too much in past years.1
Next to the pile of curtains, almost unnoticeable because of the blending of his rags and the curtains, was a young boy. He was curled up like a small ball shaking violently. "No! Get away from me! You don't touch me!", he choked. He got no response from the man outside except for the occasional grunt when he hit the wooden door of the cabin. "Stop it!" the boy yelled. The banging of the door continued despite the child's frantic complaints. 2
"Get out here," the man added," you little bitch! Come out of that piece of junk and get in the house!" The boy, Jason, untangled himself from his knot of limbs and ran to the back of the cabin. The door was starting to crack against the weight of his father. The next three or four times his father hurled himself against the door were mentally painful for the boy. He thought about the severe punishment he would get from both of his parents, although his father beat him the most. His father wasn't like his friends' dads. They were nice and always helpful. Jason's father was the opposite except when out in public. He beat Jason, he beat Jason's mother, he had even beaten Jason's older sister years before. Her baby had been born still.3
The door splintered after the next series of assaults. Stumbling clumsily into the cabin, the man fell onto the hard floor. Jason took his chance, fearfully jumping over his father's miserable form and sprinted for front door of his house. At school Jason was one of the fastest runners and could easily outstrip many of his friends. But running away from a man in his early thirties, who was as healthy as he would ever be, was not a race on the playground at recess. Jason had a small lead over the man chasing him, but was quickly losing ground. Veering off to the right, Jason ran for the door to the attic, situated on the outer wall of the lake house. The man chasing him was only a few yards away from him now.4
Jumping the steps, two at a time, Jason found himself at the outer door of the attic. He tumbled inside and closed the door behind him, locking it with some difficulty. He had never actually been inside the attic in his lifetime. He had always been too scared of the dark or never had any reason to go in it. What he did know about the attic though, was that it had two entrances- the outer door which he had come from, and the inner door which was always locked. He was glad that the inner door always stayed locked from the inside because he did not think his hands would hold steady enough to lock it himself.5
Looking around the room, he realized that it was not as scary as he had always imagined. There were no skeletons or over-sized spiders, just old-looking furniture covered with dusty sheets. Furniture that, too him, must have been worth a fortune were just placed here and forgotten about. There was an old bed frame and down mattress that looked like it might have been from the civil war. The dresser had a thick layer of dust and dirt piled on it, even coating the handles almost completely. Jason's heart rate had slowed down some bit by now. There was no thudding on either door, no threatening words, no pain. What caught his eye most of all the pieces of furniture was something shaped like an oval, covered with an off-white bed sheet. It was tilted against the wall, just sitting on the floor. Someone had obviously taken it down from the hallway where the bleached oval was displayed, almost proudly. (The paint had gone dull behind the item, whatever it was, and had yet to be painted over. That part of the wall had been bleached like that for as long as Jason could remember.)6
He walked toward the oval leaning against the wall. Bunching the silky sheet in a small fist, Jason pulled it away, revealing a mirror. He knew what a mirror was, who didn't in this day in age? But there was something different, almost alien about the mirror before him. It was one of the oldest things he had ever seen besides the trees in the forest and his grandpa' Billy. (He had only seen him once, while he was in the hospital from a multitude of mysterious bruises. Nobody knew for sure where they had come from, but Jason had his suspicions.) Reaching out to the antique piece of glass, he wondered why he felt like it was special. His fingers brushed the glass- and the room was empty except for the old furniture and layers of dust. The mirror was back under its sheet, leaning against the wall as if nobody had ever touched it. 7
Author notes
This is just the prologue of a story I hope will be at least a couple of chapters by the end. It may seem choppy at times because I did not rewrite any of it at all. It is all just raw wording and ideas that could use some improvement but my brain just died for a bit, so I am going to ask you all to kindly help me review it for me and fix some poor word usage.
A contest entry
- Good writing... by Lois.Stone.
350 points, ended February 25, 70 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Good ideas to make it better or tips for next parts, maybe??
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I really like it, well wrote and detailed.
loisx -
I like it, but what's up with the bunny part?
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This was well writen, ity has alot of potentail. I really enjoyed the description and the imagary put in to this. Great job.
Host -
Ooh, this is interesting. Mirrors are wonderful things, aren't they? Reflection and other great plot devices.
Good job on this. Poor Jason though.
♥ HT
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Off to a good start. This caught my interest and I enjoyed reading.
I do have a few suggestions (asides from other suggestions that have been given to you)-
These are some sentences that could flow better if reworded-
"What caught his eye most of all the pieces of furniture was something shaped like an oval, covered with an off-white bed sheet." (paragraph 6)
I would suggest changing this to something more along the lines like this-
What caught his attention most were all the pieces of furniture that were shaped somewhat like an oval; covered with an off-white bed sheet.
another sentence-
"He knew what a mirror was, who didn't in this day in age?" (paragraph 7)
In my opinion, this just didn't fit right. Maybe its because suddenly the narrator has asked the reader a question and it seemed too off. Others may disagree with me on this, but I would suggest getting rid of this line entirely or rewording it without the question.
For example, you could say: He knew what a mirror was, of course.
And another small mistake I caught: It was one of the oldest things he had ever seen besides the trees in the forest and his grandpa' Billy. (paragraph 7)
There's no need for the apostrophe mark in grandpa.
I hope these suggestions were helpful
Anyways, that's it from me for now. Overall, interesting- and I look forward to seeing where you go with this.
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Great!
I can't wait to read more, I am defaintly hooked. Like you said, there is some choppy points in the story but not enough to be that noticable. I just say keep going with the story and just revise a little more. -
This is strong. It's really good too. I like it a lot. I want to read more. I want to know more about the mirror, though i have a theory. Maybe the mirror allows you to go back in time when you touch it. You have me hooked though. If you keep writing this i'll be sure to come back and read it.
The wording could be easily fixied. There is some things that could be changed, but the way that you worded it seems to fit the situation because the child is supose to be afraid and when you are afraid you don't think much about what you are saying.
It's really good though. It made me think long and hard about how people and kids are actually affected, such as the still born, by being beat by their own family.
stryker <3
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Most of the revisions I'd suggest have already be mentioned, so for now I'll just say that this was a good start to your story. I get the feeling that we'll be seeing the mirror again later! I hope you'll continue to post this as you write more =)
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This is really strong! The wording is raw, but I think that's a good thing, as the situation is 'raw' too, and in situations like these, when there's much action and tension happening at the same time, it's good to have the wording be a little bit odd, because if it's perfect, then it takes away from the "this is happening right now and I'm watching it" feel of the story that the reader gets when reading action scenes. It's certainly the feeling I got, anyway. However, I found a few small mistakes. For instance:
"Jason! Jason come out of there!" It was harsh and gravely, like someone who smoked too much in past years.
This sentence is fine, but in my opinion could be made better by a small revision. By wording it like you did, it makes it seem like the voice is like someone who smoked too much, which is impossible. I suggest revising it a little, like so:
"Jason! Jason, come out of there!" It was harsh and gravely, like it belonged to someone who smoked too much in past years.
Another sentence I believe could be spectacular with a small revision is this one:
The banging of the door continued despite the child's frantic complaints.
The word complaints, in my opinion, does not really fit in the situation, which warrants a reaction much stronger than complaints. I would suggest replacing 'complaints' with a more powerful word that conveys the situation more clearly.
That, however, is all that I found that I felt could be made better. The rest is spectacular. You have me hooked!
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Wow. I really like it. It's excellent for something unedited.Plz tell me you are going mor with this because I am dying to know why the mirror did that! Really good job!
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No i think its really good for a rough copy. Do you knw where to go from here? or are you going to branch off with this idea? greattt perspective. i felt the fear of this little boy. lol. it was kind of out of character tho when his dad randomly called him a bitch lol. well seems like it will be great!
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