This was embarrassing. I never thought I would give in and become a victim of traditions. Yet, here I was, sitting next to my best-friend-in-the-whole-world, Faythe Harper, looking through the endless stack of bridal magazines. Each page featured a single waste-of-material; excuse me, bridal gown and brief description of its making.1
Besides the gowns being extremely overpriced, I began liking them; wanting them. All the satin, ribbons, and beaded sequins were provoking the femininity within me; somewhere deep within. My marital views were not that conservative, I was just more the independent woman than the stay-at-home-clean-the-house-average-soccer-mom. I am a vampire for crying out loud!2
Marriage is not in my very distant future, nor is it allowed; at least with humans. The Council would never allow any relationship other than vampire to vampire to join in matrimony. Those who wish to keep our existence a secret created that law, and it is punishable by death if broken.3
I have no fear of loosing my head because I have no interest in the matter; at least I keep telling myself that. My life style does not allow me to have a relationship. I work for the Council as their guardian, or an enforcer of the law if you will. It is a dangerous line of work assigned only to those with experience, and to those who keep to themselves. No, marriage was not for me. It is for people like Faythe, who believe in such emotions as love.4
Thus why Faythe dragged me all the way to this boutique on Main Street. She caught sight of this store from her office across the street and couldn't say no. From the outside it blended in nicely with the surrounding buildings. This part of town is known for being considerably well taken care of, and everything looked like it would cost an arm and a leg.5
From the inside, the shop was average sized, quaint, and extravagantly furnished. The crescent sales counter stood off to the left, three grand floor-to-ceiling length mirrors on the right, spacious dressing rooms lined the back wall, and a circular padded bench sat in the middle of the room. I chose myself a spot on the bench and awaited the end of this torture.6
I idly flipped through the magazine while watching Faythe twirl about in yet another dress. Her body was engulfed in a swirl of creamy white satin. I couldn't suppress my smile as she released a high pitch girlish squeal, her face alight with happiness. Her nimble fingers crushed the front of the gown to her waist as she rushed towards me. A shiver raced up my back as her warm blooded hands grasped my own, her body heat seeping through my gloves to warm my chilled skin.7
That is what I love about humans; they are so warm, so happy. Faythe smiled down at me, her blue eyes wide with excitement.8
"Oh gosh Lizzy," Faythe nearly screamed while referring to my childhood nickname, "This is the one! The perfect dress for my wedding! Do you think John will like it?" She gave another twirl of her skirts for good measure and gazed at me hopefully.9
"Yea, he will like it. After all you will be the one in the dress." I said trying to muster just as much enthusiasm.10
My ears tingled as she released another high pitch girl-squeal.11
"You have to try it on Lizzy. It fits perfectly, and I would like to see how it looks on someone else before I buy it." Faythe said, almost bouncing in place.12
"What? Oh, um, no. I can't Lizzy, you know I don't like dresses."13
"Awe, come ‘on Elizabeth for me?" She whined.14
"I refuse to wear that... thing."15
"Please Lizzy." Faythe said, making a unmistakable puppy dog face.16
"That is cheating. You know I can't resist that face." I gave in. "Fine just for you, but on two conditions."17
"Name them!" She said hastily.18
"One, I know how you think, so I'm going to tell you now before you do it. Do not buy me a bride’s maids dress. I will go to your wedding but only because I was invited; not to participate," I stated, though I had no idea how I was going to attend a wedding in the day time. I would figure it out later. "Two, do not even think about setting me up on a blind date this Saturday for our night out."19
She looked as if she was going to complain but quickly changed her mind, replacing the scowl with an evil smile.20
"Agreed, now follow me and you put on the dress. We both are the same size so you need not worry about that."21
Regretfully I followed her into a very elaborately decorated dressing room. Each wall was covered from floor to ceiling with red velvety material and gold cross stitching. There was also a bench, a face mirror, and dress rack. We both shuffled into the room and the door closed with a silent click behind us. I sneezed softly; the overpowering smell of flowers was wreaking havoc on my sensitive nose. I leaned forward almost pressing my face to the material on the wall. The walls were scented.22
The steady tapping of Faythe's expensive Fioni heels drew my attention away from the wall. I cast her an apologetic smile and quickly began to undress.23
"Wow Lizzy, you need a tan." she exclaimed.24
I blushed. I could feel her critical gaze sweeping over my body as I shed the rest of my clothes. I wanted to say "Vampire, duh!" but I just replied, "I know."25
Once down to my undergarments I silently thanked myself for having the foresight to wear a pair of nice bra and panties today, and stepped into the awaiting dress. Faythe having already redressed into her jeans and top stood to the side as I situated the material.26
"Here, let me help you." She said hurriedly zipping the back and tying the strings to the corset before I could protest.27
"I feel like Rayne, the girl from last years vampire huntress series. What with the corset, long flowing dress, and my black leather boots." I said as the calve length split in the dress revealed one of them and its 4 inch heel.28
"Shut up, you look very pretty and feminine. It is a nice change from your everyday boots and jeans." She stated.29
"My boots are high fashion, I could stab someone with the heel it's so skinny!" I said hotly. This was all true. My boots were made for combat as well as to pass off as normal so I could wear them anywhere.30
"Whatever Lizzy; it’s a perfect fit! Come ‘on lets go look in the mirror."31
"What! No way am I leaving this dressing room in this!" I nearly shrieked.32
She placed her hands on her waist and stuck one hip out. "Oh? Did we not just reach an agreement? I guess not then. Well, just so you know I have a whole little black book full of men waiting and lined up to give you your shot at love. Who knows, I just might invite them with us Saturday--"33
"Okay! I'll do it. I never would have figured you as one to succumb so low as to use blackmailing." I muttered as I hastily shuffled out the doorway. I mentally asked God; oops I mean Lucifer, why anyone would allow a bridal shop to be open after hours just for Faythe. I didn't expect to receive an answer, because I already had mine. It was Faythe's doing.34
I should have seen this coming. Somehow since I have arrived here today, Faythe has single-handedly introduced me to marriage on a whole other level, made me spend two hours discussing nothing but gowns, and has successfully gotten me into a wedding dress all before midnight.35
She excused herself for a moment when her phone begun to ring, though she need not have worried about disturbing anyone. The manager was no where to be found and the two of us were the only customers.36
The dress hugged my figure as I walked towards the three grand mirrors, greatly enhancing my assets to their fullest. I felt awkward and silly standing there in the gown and so out of my element, but I had to hand it to Faythe. I didn't look too bad.37
The dress was made up of two pieces; a strapless corset top with ribbons that tied together in the back to form a small bow and a floor length gown. Both pieces were a soft creamy white with subtle beaded flowers around the bottom of the dress as well as the cups of the corset.38
I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I wasn't beautiful, but my black hair was long and thick. My skin was pale except the light tint of pink that my cheeks turned when I blushed. My eyes were black, and my lashes long. I had a slender nose, full lips, and dainty chin. To be honest I did look charming in the dress. I ran my hands over the front, and turned around to see a vacant room.39
"Faythe," I called, "are you there?"40
There was no response. Even with my heightened hearing I couldn't pin point the sound of Faythe's heart beat. My eyes darted around the room looking for any sign of her, but there were none. I walked back over to the chairs that held our belongings and relaxed as I noticed her purse was gone, but a note sat in its place. It read:41
'Lizzy, I had to run to the house. John brought home some very important guests, and I had to run play house-wife! Sorry, please don't be mad. See yourself out when you’re through with the dress, and don't forget about Saturday! --Faythe'42
"Great. She left me here with this thing on." I mumbled to myself as I walked back to look in the mirror one final time.43
I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be Faythe for a day; human, happy, and care free. Having the perfect partner, and walking down the aisle. Every woman's perfect wedding, just as it used to be mine before I was turned.44
I smiled to myself. Using my right hand I picked up the front of dress and stuck out my left hand as if there were someone there to grasp it, and began to walk towards the mirror.45
'It doesn't seem that bad, maybe I should reconsider my thoughts about marriage. Well the ceremony parts at least, definitely not the life long partner thing.' I said thinking to myself.46
It was going good until I got cocky and started strutting back and forth like it was a cat walk. My boot caught on a loose fold of material and I tripped. Someone caught my hand before I fell, pulling me upright with enough force to cause me to loose my balance. I fell against a very masculine chest, and felt one arm drape around my waist tightly.47
Peering upwards I watched the artery in his neck almost hypnotically. The joyous ebb and pulse of his life blood making me lick my lips. I fed earlier, but I was taught to appreciate a decent smelling being when you see one. The smell of cologne reached my nose; it was oddly enticing and mixed nicely with the rich smell of his blood. I inhaled deeply and froze. My back stiffened and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end.48
Vampire.49
Slowly I pushed myself away from his chest as my mind began to work itself into a panic. How could I have not sensed him or smelled him? Something clicked, and I remembered the answer from listening in on a council meeting. The older a vampire is the better they can cloak their scent, as well as hone their abilities. I tried to act as if I hadn't noticed and move away. I stopped only when the arm around my waist didn't budge.50
My eyes traveled almost unwillingly from his neck to his strong jaw, soft full lips, average nose and high cheek bones, and to his eyes. They matched his hair perfectly. I got a little weak in the knees as those two deep brown orbs-- like milk chocolate pools, studied my face, my lips, and burned a trail down my neck to my bosom; most of which was clearly visible because of the corset. A blush heated my face.51
It was too dangerous to look him in the eye for long so I chose to stare at his lips instead.52
He looked to be in his mid twenties when he had changed, which makes two of us. In any other situation I would say he is extremely attractive, but I knew his youth was only the effects of the change. I could tell he was old; at least by a few centuries.53
"Can you let me go now?" I asked hesitantly.54
He smiled devilishly and quickly released me from his grasp. I gave us both a few feet of breathing room, although I had a feeling if he were up to no good that would never be far enough.55
"Thank you for catching me." I mumbled, trying desperately to keep my voice from shaking. I was scared, which for me is a first. I had a right to be. This vampire was old, and in my world old meant dangerous. I backed away from him slowly, but he matched each step I took with one of his own. The soft clack of his; no doubt expensive, shoes jarred my nerves with each step.56
My back softly bumped the wall and I could have screamed. He kept coming, pinning me to the wall with his eyes. His gait was relaxed, slow, and predatory.57
I cleared my throat softly as I found it was too dry to talk. "What do you want?" I asked shakily, "Stay back. I'm warning you! I am an enforcer for the Vampire Council and any harm done to me is punishable by law with--"58
His slow throaty laugh had chills creeping up my spine and oddly little shocks of excitement. I gasped loudly when he appeared suddenly in front of me, looming over me by a good five inches. His scent enveloped me and I openly inhaled. My eyes slid to half mast, and my hunger roused. I felt that aching, burn deep within my chest and my mouth began to water as I felt the first shift of my eye teeth lengthening.59
My conscious wanted me to run, to flee. I had never run from anyone before in my life, but I was considering this vampire. Only the old ones can affect other vampires like this; overwhelm them and bring them under their control. The sheer power he was exerting was a clear sign that he was no weakling.60
I nearly cried out when his thumb softly stroked my jaw and down to the curve in my neck, his touch feather light. My heart beat in my chest like a drum. I could hear the rushing of blood in my ears as he stared at me. I couldn't look away. Slowly he leaned down to whisper in my ear. His lips brushed the rim of my ear briefly, and my stomach felt like it did a flip. I held my breath.61
"You smell good." He whispered in a masculine voice that would conjure thoughts of bodies, bed sheets, and sex. "Almost as if you were human."62
His canine cleverly nicked the tip of my ear. I quivered when his tongue devilishly trailed around the rim of my ear to the cut.63
"But you taste even better. I could just devour you, but I won't. Not now." He said darkly placing a firm hand against my jaw. "To answer your first question, I am here on behalf of your sire." he said, hungrily raking his eyes over my face once more. "Do you know why?"64
I attempted to shake my head no but stopped the motion until he released his grip on my jaw. 65
Taking a shaky breath I drew myself up to my full height and crossed my arms. He may be older, taller, and invading my personal space, but I never was one to cower. This vampire scared me witless, but my tough girl act has never failed me. 66
"No," I replied hesitantly, gazing upwards into those mesmerizing eyes of his only to stare at his nose for fear of being taken under his thrall, "I don't know why my sire would have requested your presence. Not since he is dead." 67
I flinched as he splayed his hands against the wall on either side of my head. "I already know of your sire --Nikolas' death. He was special to me." he replied, as a flash of sadness crossed his features before he quickly recovered. 68
A smile played on the corners of his lips, teasing me with a hint of fang. "Your sire pleaded with me, should anything dire befall him, that I shall look after you." He whispered, while softly stroking my cheek with the back of one hand. I shivered as his icy cold fingers touched my skin. 69
"W-why?" I stuttered, mentally kicking myself. 70
"That, dear heart, I do not know. But, I intend to find out." I began to breathe again only when he began to turn away. "It seems I came here for the wrong reasons. Don't leave town little lamb."71
Just as he arrived he disappeared, but not before grabbing a set of keys from the sales counter. I sighed in relief and my legs buckled. I sat on the floor in a pool of white satin skirts too scared to say anything; to frightened to move. My heart still raced beneath my breast bone, and for good measure. I had just become his prey!
Author notes
Okay, this is my first try at a vampire story so lets see how I do. This is the first chapter, so it is just taking off. I would love to get some reviews and helpful comments. Thank you for reading and I hope you like it.
In a list
- In Love with a Vampire group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Best Vampire Story by CrystalTigress.
175 points, ended February 25, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - FANTASY-VAMPIRES!!!WEREWOLVES!!!ANYTHING by Ashlyn Rose.
120 points, ended March 7, 38 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - VAMPIRES! Twilight or not twilight! As Long as there are VAMPIRES!! by Toxic Valentine.
115 points, ended April 24, 47 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Romance and Writing by FireByrd.
123 points, ended June 17, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Three Options by Miss Recondite.
140 points, ended October 25, 61 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Vampire stories Contest by Hloverofpeace.
175 points, ended August 10, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - vampire love! by GhostBlackWolf.
130 points, ended September 18, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - YAY..... VAMPIRE vs WEREWOLF by jasje.
175 points, ended September 30, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Vampire Storys >;D by XxSceneTristanxX.
160 points, ended October 7, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I Want Anything by Lost Soul 12.
100 points, ended October 12, 29 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think? Where can I improve?
Comments
1 - 49 of 49
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Really good read. I enjoyed it.
Good luck!
~Tristan~ -
wow that was good
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Thank you for the read and comment. I'm glad that you enjoyed my story. Good luck in your contest.
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oh that one was good. i can seeit being a part in a book. i enjoyed reading it. it was vivid and descriptive. thanks for entering my contest!
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Your welcome and thank you for hosting the contest! I'm glad you enjoyed my story. Good luck judging your contest.
Amanda
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Amazing!!!
I don't care how long it was, I never lost interest. This was an excellent first chapter!!! Engaging and great!
I love your use of imagery and I found myself wishing ti were longer. Great job!!!
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Haha Thank you for reading this chapter! I will actually be rewritting this chapter and making it better, you know, adding some: symbolism, imagery, tone, yadda-yadda. I hope the rewritten chapter turns out better than this one but I hope to have it up as soon as I can find the time to write it. (Which might be this weekend
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Yes!!!
I REALLY LOVED it!!! Excellent first chapter! Really hooking and well-written! The descriptions and imagery is very beautiful! I love this: A smile played on the corners of his lips, teasing me with a hint of fang. I can vividly picture that devilish smile! The end is humorous and gripping! It leaves me aching for the next chapter! You better write a LOT more to this! 
I adore the characters already as much as my own and I'm excited to read how Elizabeth's turn of events plays out! Great job! ^^
-Lissy
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Lol Thank you such a gracious comment. It made my day and it hasn't even begun yet.
I'm glad you enjoyed this first draft, but I hope to make the second one even better since I wrote the first draft before I knew how to add in those literary tricks. I think I will leave both up once I've written the second draft so I can compare the difference. Thanks again! I plan to write a FULL novel (I'm already breathless just thinking about it lol).
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Wow, I never once lost interest! I relly don't have much to say, but that's good. I'm at lost for words. It was extremely well written. Thank you for entering my contest, finalist.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Love it :)
It kept me hooked the whole time
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okay to say the truth this would be a good story in fact it absolutely is a freaking good story! But the problem is it was too short and I want to know if you have written a second part to this and if you have please let me know and enter it in my contest...
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Hahas, thank you for reading and commenting on my story. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I'm sorry my story was too short for you, but it is only chapter one. I have mapped out the next two chapters so and will try to get around to writting them some time this week. And yes, I have your contest book marked
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Love love love it. did I say I love it. I love your ideas for vampires keep it going and coming.
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Haha Thank you VL for commenting on my story. I'm glad that you liked it. I will be writing more to this soon.
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wow, although i am not a fan of vampire stories I really liked this one because it was different. the setting was very different and unique and the imagery was flooding my mind with each word, i could see everything. i have no suggestions except for that in the beginning I think you used a few too many hyphens. Otherwise it was pretty cool
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Thank you for reading and commenting. I am glad that you enjoyed my story; since I'm still working on the whole vampire concept. A bit different compared to werewolves. XD Also, thank you for the suggestion. I might tweak my story just a bit to lessen the number of hyphens that I used. Thank you again!
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Wow this is great, I love the detail I could actually see all the words and story and pictures forming in my mind. Great job, keep writting. I LOVE your work.
~ Chelsey
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Thank you for reading and commenting. I'm pleased that you took an interest in my story. I will definitely be writing more to this story when I can find the chance. Thanks again!
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Wow. Amazing! Amazing detail! I love the 'catch-me-and-I-swoon' scene, kinda surprised me that the guy was a vampire too! and that her sire asked him to watch over her. I want to know what happens! Please continue it!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you for reading and commenting. I am happy that you liked my story. I will be writing more to this story as soon as I get the chance. It is just taking a while since I want to write everything perfectly (gotta break that habit lol).
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How about instead of "excuse me, bridal gown and brief description of its making" you have "excuse me-- "bridal gown"-- and brief description of its making." I get the feeling you were trying to have a pause there. The double hyphen is really a dash and indicates a longer pause. "Besides the gowns being extremely overpriced, I began liking them; wanting them" Maybe that should "They're being over priced aside, I began..." The point you're making is sort of contrary. "Besides" would make more sense if you were saying "Besides the gowns being expensive I didn't like them."
The dialogue seems a little formal. Friends use contractions. "Yea, he will like it. After all you will be the one in the dress."
Take advantage of your moments of description. Don't **tell** me how the guy was old or how you were scared. "I was scared, which for me is a first... This vampire was old, and in my world old meant dangerous. I backed away from him slowly, but he matched each step I took with one of his own..." Show me how he followed you, show me how he caught you, show me how scared you were. Make me scared WITH you not AT you.dialog: 1.
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Thank you for reading and commenting on my story. I'm glad that you did. I appreciate you taking the time to point out areas that may need some work. I will deffinetly take a look at your suggestions and make changes that I see fit when I can find the time. (I hope will be soon.) Also, thanks for telling me not to **tell* you but to show you. I've been working on that, it seems to be my weakness. lol Thank you again.
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Great
A very well paced, detailed and intriguing story, full of suspense.
I love the description of all the emotions and thoughts, it brings the whole setting to life.
I can only say well done on this one.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you for reading and commenting on my story. I'm glad you found it pleasing. This was actually my first try at a Vampire story, but it turned out better than I had hoped.
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I thought it was really good, especially if it was your first attempt at writing a vampire story I've tried writing them, but I always mess it up. Well done!
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Hey, thank you for reading and commenting on my story. I'm glad you liked it. No worries, I mess up a lot when I try to write something different than what I'm used to as well. XD Again, thank you!
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this is a very good vampire story for someone who trying it for the first time keep going with the story its very good.
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Thank you for reading and commenting. I'm really pleased that you enjoyed my story. I'm trying to imporve 'Blood Addictions' but it is taking forever. XD
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Wow, this is great. I love you're writing style! Very original and intriguing. Sufficient detail, but not too much. Great job! Good luck in the contest!
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Thank you! I'm glad that you enjoyed my story.
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Thank you for entering
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Your welcome! Thank you for reading and commenting.
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I really like this you have a great talent .This is a amazing start.
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Thank you for reading and commenting. I am glad that you enjoyed it.I shall keep you updated! lol
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A very good start. Keeps the readers interest all the way through.
I did have one thought though, of course anything can happen, but I thought vampires cast no reflection
Paragraph 7 faythe should be capitalizedbeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks for reading my story and commenting. I'm glad you caught that I will make the changes to paragraph 7 soon.
As for the reflection thing, I'm still deciding on whether I want to follow hollywoods version of a Vampire; where they cast no reflection....or make the story my own and give a reason why the main character still has her reflection.
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My mouth is still hanging open! I want to read more!!! Yes!!! More!!! It was soooo good!!! I love this kind of writing!
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Haha Thank you for reading and commenting. I will keep you updated when I write the second chapter, if you like. I'm glad that you enjoyed my first chapter.
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This is what I like
Ahh... love this kind of writings, you probable noticed I'm in for the sweet vampire stories... not the bloody ones.
The only negative of it is... I want more. I already curious about the next chapter, how it will continue.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Thank you..
I'm glad that you enjoyed the story. I will DEFFINETLY be continuing the story. I have to write a play first, but then I will be devoting my time to create the next chapter. If you like I can let you know when I have it written.
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great beginning
I enjoyed reading this first chapter. Although I am not one for vampire stories, this piece grabbed me from the beginning and held my interest till the end.The one thing that stuck out to me was that you change tenses a lot.It had me going back reading some parts over to make sure I read it right. Overall I enjoyed this chapter and look forward to the next one.
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I am pleased that you enjoyed my story. Thank you for reading and commenting, I appreciate it. Yes, I am aware that I switch my tenses a lot. lol It is something that I am working on correcting, and that of which I hope I am getting better at.
Second chapter will be out as soon as I can write it.
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pulled me in straight away and left me wanting more at the end! this was great, it had me laughing and gasping at several points and was really well written
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Thank you for the gracious comment. I am glad that you enjoyed my story. I hope to have the second chapter out sometime soon; whenever I can find the time to write it that is.
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great job
nice job and i will be rereading all stories before final judging good luck! -
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Thank you for reading and commenting. Good luck with the contest.
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Spot on
Hooked me from the start and I want to read more Sorry this is my first review.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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lol No worries, any comment is welcomed and appreciated. If you need any help with the sight you can ask me and I'll do my best to help you. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my chapter.
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