It was pitch black and I gazed at the moon. A storm was brewing and the sky was a dark, furious purple. Black storm clouds raced across the darkened horizen, blotting out the moonlight intermittently. 1
I stood on the crest of the hill, gazing at the heavenly battle before me while the wind whipped my long hair around my uplifted face, feeling triumphant and victorious without really having any reason to. 2
These are the moments when I am truly alive, when every fiber of my being pulses with energy.3
I lifted my arms and felt the wind swirl around my fingers, twist around my waist, tug at my long skirt. A sudden bolt of light streaked across the sky, illuminating every intricate detail of the tall grass that was dancing to the rhythm of the wind. Crystal beads of pure water began to pour down in torrents. I turned away, my moment of glorious triumph forever in the past. I began to walk home.4
I never know what possesses me to always walk so far from home when I know a storm is coming. It was as if I have to be alone to feel the battle between wind and clouds. Alone before a storm is the only time I feel truly free.5
I walked through the tall grasses mingled with heather and felt my wind-parched skin rejoice at the tiny rivers that were now running down my arms and saturating my dress. 6
Meav always worried I would catch cold, that I would die of pneumonia, but I never had so much as a sniffle. I was born to roam with the wind, to bathe in starlight and rain.7
Although the moon was hidden and the darkness was inky black, I was neither lost nor afraid. I was at home here. I whispered every secret of my heart to the wind, who carried it away and dispersed it like the scent of violets. No one would ever know that girlish dreams and muses were swirling around them. They would never know that that was what they were shutting out when they tightly fastened their shutters and doors and huddled in front of the fireplace. How much they were missing!8
Finally reaching home, I saw a shadow move across the window. Meav. Walking the floors with the worry of me. Would she never learn I could take care of myself perfectly well?9
I inhaled deeply one last sweet breath of free, pure, cool air and opened the door. Meav pulled me inside and immediately began scolding. "Mairead! You will catch cold! Look at you--dripping wet! You are soaked through and chilled!" She sat me in the rocking chair in front of the fireplace and began rubbing me briskly with a towel. The flames in the fireplace danced and flickered, throwing light into one crevice of the room, and then another. 10
I was not chilled in the least, but I let Meav cluck over me like a mother hen since it made her feel better. She may not understand me in the least, but she was the best sister in the world to me.11
She soon had me in a flannel nightgown propped up in bed with a cup of hot tea and a hot water bottle while she towel dried my hair. I hated flannel nightgowns. They itched and they made me feel hot and stifled. But I held my peace and drank my tea, the soothing liquid slid down my throat like the rain running down the windowpane.12
Meav and I were the only ones left in the family. It was just her and me living together in our snug little cottage. Meav was the only mother I had ever known, her being nineteen years older than me. I never minded her protectiveness, but lately I had been wishing she wouldn't treat me like a child so much. I was nearly seventeen after all.13
Although I lay in bed for a long while after Meav retired and the fire had burned low, I could not sleep. I crept out of bed and lit a candle, being careful not to wake Meav who slept in the next room. The cold floorboards cooled my feet as I crept towards my bureau that stood against the wall. Rummaging through a drawer I pulled out an antique leather box covered with detailed engravings. Snuggled back into bed with the candle on my night-shelf, I tugged on the rusted lock.14
Earlier that day I had been exploring the attic. I had never been exploring in the attic before; not for lack of curiosity--for I had more than my share of that. But Meav always kept the attic door padlocked and only went up there once per year for "spring cleaning."15
Imagine my delight to find it standing open! I quickly darted inside and began poking around, looking for something--I knew not what. I was in the farthest corner perched precariously on the edge of a bookshelf, striving to reach a leather box that was sitting on one of the heavy rafters, when I heard Meav coming up the stairs! I sprang for the door and sprinted to my room just in time, for Meav marched right up to the door, poked around inside for about a minute, (probably making sure I wasn't hiding in there) and then firmly padlocked it again, pocketing the key.16
It was only then that I realized I was still holding the box. The box that I now was trying to open by candlelight. I had secreted it in my bureau drawer when I heard Meav coming and forgotten all about it when I saw that a storm was coming. 17
I tried to pick the lock with a hairpin, burning with curiosity. "What if the contents of this box aren't worth the effort to get them out?" a dismal voice in my mind worried, "What if it is just a dissappointment?" But something else told me that if I had to go around the world to find a way to get it open, it would be worth it. Like Pandora's box, the contents were calling to me.
Author notes
What do you think? be honest! this was writen by Kariana Kensington (for the contest judge)
- Novel Reviewing Group group list • next in list
- Eager for Improvement group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Finish this: by FireHawk.
255 points, ended February 23, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Kill That Cupid by Luckyk.
950 points, ended March 1, 24 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Pulitzer Prize by SilentMoonDance.
1950 points, ended February 28, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - MEH BRING IT ON ANYTHING!!! (almost anything) by Clary--Selene--Tayy.
400 points, ended February 28, 68 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make me jealous! by Lois.Stone.
1300 points, ended March 24, 60 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Welcome to my world by Vampiric souls.
350 points, ended March 21, 86 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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I love how you express your story so well and the box with the hidden materials is the most interesting of all.
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I loved the imagery in this piece.. I felt like I was standing in the wind and rain with him..... At what is in the box
excellent!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow I thought I was there!!!!
Great descriptive work so much visual information!!!It made me feel like I was there (as said above)
This is such an amazing idea!!!
Thank you so much for entering!!
~Souls
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You are a genius at descriptions
You made me see everything you wrote. I loved it. I thought I remembered commenting on this before, but I must not have. I know I read it, but I enjoyed it just as much the second time. Please write more and tell us what's in the box? -
This is very visual. Great descriptive wording, and awesome intro.
"felt my wind parched skin rejoice..." awesome wording!
This was very awesome and I was following everyword and not skipping around like I normally do even with published novels.
I only have one cretique and that is that I don't know how you could do this, but somehow in the very beginning- though it's a very beautiful peice of description- it still felt kind of cold, like I didn't really know the character.
Maybe you could name her sooner, explain something about her sister sooner. Maybe even just a twinge of embarrassment if someone were to see her, or a sense of guilt for not following she sisters instructions...something little like that might make her seem more flawed- and thus more real.
She seemed VERY well characterized later, but I thought it was kind of an abrupt change from mysterious perfect angel person to human...anyhow I don't know if that makes any sense.
Great story though!
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Ooooh, suspense! Nice write. I love the title as well. (: Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
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thats really nicely wrote, and i love the title!
I would give you a fuller review, and I will later, but since there are LOADS of entries, I will stay how to improve ECT later!
loisx -
Nice...
Impressive description throughout this entire story. It was an enjoyable read, mostly for the imagery. I loved when the main character was caught in the middle of a rainstorm under the dark, star-speckled sky. I could just picture the beautiful scenic view. It was also well written, which is a plus! Although I genuinely enjoyed your story, it did leave me a bit hanging. I'm not sure this chapter could stand as a short story on its own. That's the problem with chapters. But otherwise, it was definitely creative.
Good luck in my contest!
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This is truly amazing. I loved this from beginning to end. It reminds me of a piece that i was writing that i put on pause. Description is great, i could see where she was and all that was happening around her. It left me curious as to what was in the box. It rises alot of questions and makes one wonder. Apart from the few spelling errors, it was a wonderful piece.
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A pretty good story. It does leave me wondering what was in the box.
Remmeber I am not an expert and these are only my suggestions.
I might suggest changing pitch black at the begnning. To me pich black means no light at all.
Other than that, the descriptions were well presented
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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There wasn't any light, although maybe I should put in that there was a bit of lightning. But the point was that she was so at home outside that she didn't need light to know where she was going.
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Beautiful, beautiful descriptions I loved the last paragraph:
I tried to pick the lock with a hairpin, burning with curiosity. "What if the contents of this box aren't worth the effort to get them out?" a dismal voice in my mind worried, "What if it is just a dissappointment?" But something else told me that if I had to go around the world to find a way to get it open, it would be worth it. Like Pandora's box, the contents were calling to me.
I think this is the most effective way I've ever seen a story on this site end. It's cliffhanger-like, yet not too over the top. In other words, just right. I also like the allusion to Pandora's box - it lets the reader know what lies ahead, or at least hints at it. Great job!
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Thank you so much! That is a wonderful compliment!
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Part 1, horizen 'horizon'
Part 7, catch cold ' catch a cold'
Same thing on part 10.
The flow was great and so was the description. I didn't find any errors but thouse and if i'm wrong on part's 7 and 10, I'm sorry it just had me re-reading the sentances. This was rea;;y nice! Great job!
(KA)
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nice way of describing things...love the way the water was described...
a sequel coming up??? -
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Yes I will write the sequel when I get a chance...I'll let you know. Thanks for reading it, I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
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I think it's very good writing.
I hope you're writing more. I wasn't ready to stop. You really have to tell us what's in the box. You are so good at describing things. I loved it.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, characters: 5.
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Thanks--I am planning to write more. It's always a good thing when people want more. Thank you for reading!
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i love this story! i was glancing outside as i read and in every detail you described the storm that's outside my house! few errors here and there but nothing too bad. I liked how you set the mood with the storm, also i loved how you made me want to read more. The end of the story was a little let down after the massive details of the storm so maybe adding a little more detail in there. Otherwise absolutly brilliant. I was reading comments below and i saw you were thinking of the setting as somewhere in scotland, this was exactly the place i was imagining it as! Well done hope you do well in my contest.
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Great!
Very imaginative! I was intrigued in the beginning. The storm sets the mood for the story, and I myself feel that way about storms sometimes too. I loved your descriptions, and your writing style is fantastic. It proves you have a very firm grasp on the English language. The main character is likable, and I could relate to her. This is a great beginning to a story!
I noticed a few things you should work on however.
"around (my) uplifted face"
"fibre" (fiber)
And you switched tenses here: "These are the moments when I am truly alive, when every fibre of my being pulses with energy. I lifted..." Try sticking to the past tense, which is what the rest of the story is in.
"I lifted my arms and felt the wind swirl around my fingers, wind around my waist, tug at my long skirt." (The use of two "wind"s make this sentence a little confusing, try using a word like "twist" or "wrap".)
In paragraph four there's a big gap in between sentences. Is it supposed to be one paragraph or two?
"...moment of glorius (glorious) triumph..."
"I don't know what possesses me to walk so far from home when I know a storm is coming. It's as if I have to be alone to feel the battle between wind and clouds. Alone before a storm is the only time I feel free.5" (You change tenses here again.)
"wind(-)parched"
"Look at you-(-)dripping wet!"
In paragraph 11 the sentences are in a weird formation, I think you might have forgotten to hit enter twice or something haha
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"in the family(.) (I)t was just" (This would be better if it was two separate sentences.)
"candle. (R)ummaging"
"Earlier that day I had been exploring in the attic." (You don't need "in".)
"not for lack of curiosity-(-)for I had more"
In paragraph twelve, I think you forgot to hit enter a second time again.
"but with a dismal thought that it may contain something not worth all the trouble I was going to to get it out." (You should probably make this into its own sentence because it doesn't fit with the previous half of the sentence. Make it a question perhaps? Like, "A dismal thought dampered my enthusiasm...What if the contents weren't worth all the trouble I was going through to get it out?")
Haha okay that's all of the things I noticed. The ending paragraph made the reader want to know more. Overall it was a great read. Keep up the good work! I hope you post the second part!
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thank you so much for your constructive criticism! I will fix that right away!
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wow this was so good! Your descriptions were simply amazing! Are you goign to continue this? It certainly seemed that way at the end. I liked it. And I lveo the spirit and fierce nature of hte main character. It is vvery easy to relate to. Great Job! I can definetley tell that your writing is improving!
Look forward to reading mroe from you
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I lvoe it when stories write themselves! I imagined it to take place in like a small isolate village in present time. Somewhere in Africa it what firts came to my mind but it could also be in a country like Syria. Yeah random, but thats just what came to my mind. I dunno, lol its your choice. Basically it could be set anywhere right now
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I know it could be set anywhere--I just haven't decided. I was actually thinking Scotland or something, but I could put it in Africa--thats a good idea!
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Scotland is a very good idea too! It would be hard tho, because in dialogue you would have to add the irish accent. But yeah, I really like this so far!
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Thanks--i just edited it a little bit, made her older. I really don't know where this story came from, it just wrote itself! Thanks for the encouragement! Storywrite really has improved my writing, I think. I may continue this...I'll have to see. The main character is a lot like me. Where and when do you think the story is set?
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