Anymore

The alarm clock beeps. My hand slams the button. I drag myself out of bed. I eat a breakfast bar. I brush my teeth. I put on my clothes. I brush my hair. For what? Another day? 1

Why should I think that's enough? The familiar question rolls through my mind once again. A day is simply not enough to motivate me any more. Another whole 24 hours I get to try to calm down. Another whole 24 hours I get to listen to the feud in my head rage on and on and on. Another whole 24 hours I have to pretend to be happy for my friends and my family.2

I get off the bus. I go to homeroom. And who am I faced with? Him. 3

God, where do I begin? All the familiar things happen, stomach clench, red faced, look down, stumble to seat. I wish it were over. I wish I were dead.4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~5

Earlier that year:6

"Jenna, Jennaaaaaaaaaaa. Jenna! Pssssst." I whip around in my seat, a grin on my face.7

"Yes, James?"8

"Hi." 9

I can't help but laugh out loud. James would do something like that. 10

"You're funny."11

"I know."12

I stare at James now, his eyes so deep and blue. His hair a clean shade of blond, so soft I want to touch it. I also notice he's staring back at me, and a warm feeling rushes up my spine. Was he looking at my messy bun? Or my crooked teeth? Ugh, I probably have something on my face.13

He looks happy though, like he likes what he sees. That can only be good.14

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I sit down in homeroom. The hollow feeling of emptiness, abandonment, and betrayel settle in again. My stomach is being sucked into a black hole. My brain is melting with the thoughts in my head. I have to refrain from standing up and yelling at him infront of the entire class.16

"Hey Jenna, can you pass out these papers for me," the teacher asks.17

I nod, stand up, and try to smile.18

Oh my god.19

It actually hurts to smile. 20

Well that sucks.21

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"Jenna, today's the day you're going to learn how to Ollie."23

"James, I can't Ollie, we both know it."24

"But Jen, I'm determined. I feel like it's my duty or something. I've been placed on this Earth to teach you how to Ollie. I can feel it."25

"Well, if you put it like that..."26

"Please, just try."27

"Fine, but it's your fault if I break a limb."28

"Okay then, it's my fault."29

"And you have to try to explain it to my mother."30

Pause.31

"Okay."32

"Wow, you really do want me to learn."33

"Yes, that I do."34

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I miss those days. The old Saturdays, where I would wake up and wait for the call to come out and play. It was nice, I didn't have to deal with my mom. James didn't have to deal with his dad. It was so much fun. We would do anything together. Explore the river, skateboard, build a treehouse, rescue a stray, you name it.36

Then when our fun was done, we would IM until our parents pulled the power plug on the computer.37

Thinking about this in ELA almost makes me smile.38

Almost.39

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Jenners54: climbing that tree was so much fun!41

3Jamez3: i new u could do it42

Jenners54: it was so awesome43

3Jamez3: 2 bad we have skool 2moro, i wanna do it again44

Jenners54: yeah, me 2, but my mom would get all over my back about taking risks45

3Jamez3: ha, well we dont have enuff money for me to get stitches again, so ur right46

Jenners54: how many times have you gotten stitches again?47

3Jamez3: 648

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~49

Damn.50

I have history now. The class I have to try and be remotly happy in, because I have a friend in this class. I thought, when I got my schedule this summer, that I would die because I wouldn't know anybody in any other class. Obviously, I don't care anymore. 51

Karen. She's nice, and quiet. 52

Mostly. 53

I sit next to her, and the teacher has given us instructions. I didn't hear them, or didn't listen, depending on who you talk to.54

"Karen, what are we doing?"55

"Silly Jenna, you didn't hear her? She said what we were doing five times."56

Thanks Karen. 57

I still don't know what we're doing though.58

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~59

"Hey Jenna?" James asks, as we sit on the bench of our tree house.60

"Yeah?" 61

"Do you like me?"62

I paused, as my brain begins whirring ten thousand miles an hour. Finally I just calm down and relax myself.63

"Yeah."64

"I like you too, but you probably already knew that."65

"No, I didn't actually."66

"God! Dan said he told you!" 67

"Well he didn't."68

"I hate him."69

"Please don't, I'm happy."70

"Me too."71

And we kissed, right there. 72

That was the best moment of my life.73

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There were two sides to the argument in my head.75

Argument one: I didn't know exactly why I was placed here. Right now, I was taking up space. I was eating food that other people could be. I was taking teachers' time. I was clogging up space on the Internet, in the hallways, in the checkout lines at the mall. 76

Argument two: I needed to be here. Someone who comes along will be better off meeting me than not. I will play some important role in the future. 77

For right now, the argument one was winning.78

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The first time he said I love you was the time that caught me most off guard.80

I was opening up my locker, and a card spilled out. I smiled as I noticed various pictures of balloons, cake, and party hats. 81

The inside was cute as well:82

Dear Jenna,83

Sorry I'm a day late, but I hope this means just as much to you as it would have yesterday. I can't believe you're already 14. I'm so jealous. Anyway, have a happy birthday. I love you.84

James85

I felt like fainting. I felt like crying. I felt like flying. 86

I was so happy.87

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~88

Happy. Happy. Happy. God, the world is so happy. I think that everyone in the world is so lucky. I would give up anything if I could be happy again. 89

It's not even that I want to be happy. 90

I want to stop pretending I'm so happy. 91

I would give even more than everything to just let everything out. To spend a day showing the way I feel. To not have to smile, to not have to give a fake chuckle. To cry however much I want and allow the pain to rip me into pieces. To not have to try and convince people I am one.92

How could something so good lead to something so bad? Why was one little month or two of happiness enough to slowly rip me piece by piece until I am literally nothing?93

I don't get it.94

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~95

"James, tonight was the best. I don't think I've ever had so much fun in my whole life."96

"Me too. You really know how to rollerblade, don't you?"97

"More importantly, I know how to kill you in virtual car racing."98

"Ha ha. Let's forget that part, okay?"99

"Sure James, okay."100

"I love you."101

"You too."102

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~103

I think it was that I love you thing that killed me. First of all, he was the only one who ever said "I love you" to me. It was like a balloon. Love filled it up and filled it up. I always expected it to be there. 104

Then, it popped.105

And I couldn't live without it.106

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~107

"Hey, it's...uh...James. Jenna? I need to talk to you."108

"What's up?"109

"Well, I've uh, been thinking."110

"You want me to believe that? That's one of the funniest things I've ever heard." I said, teasingly.111

"This, isn't working out the way I planned. I mean Jenna, you're a great friend and all, but I need to break up."112

"What? Why?!" 113

"Some things have come up at home. I need to be alone. I need some time. Jenna, we can always get back together, if we can. Look Jen, it's not you okay? You did nothing wrong. I need to be alone, that's it."114

"This doesn't make any sense!" I cried exasperatedly into the phone.115

"I know."116

"You're not making any sense!" 117

"Jenna! Calm down! It's my dad, okay? He was arrested. He was in a bar fight, some guy called him out as being a poor son of a- well yeah, and they fought. So the police just took him away. They locked him up and I don't know when I'll see him again. It was so out of the blue. My mom's going crazy. We don't have enough money. Well, we didn't have enough money, but now we have less if we want to bail him out. I don't know what to do, or to think."118

"James, you need me now more than ever. I can help you. We can make it through together." 119

"No, Jenna. I don't need you. I can't need you. Bye."120

And he hung up.121

That's when I began to die.122

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~123

I never knew I could be this sad. I never knew I could be this lonely. I didn't know it was humanly possible, but I succeeded. 124

I look over at James. He's paying less attention to the teacher than I am. He's looking at me.125

I should be a little happy, I think. 126

But it doesn't mean anything. He doesn't love me. He was the only one who ever did, but not anymore.127