Prologue1
“Are you staying?” He turned toward her, raising his head lazily. Putting down his book, he absently pushed up his glasses, a habit he had developed recently in her presence.2
“Do you want me to?” She placed her hand on the doorknob, but didn't turn around. Her voice was steady, a feat she mentally congratulated herself on. She couldn't put her finger on it, but there was something different in his voice today. She gave herself a mental shake. It was impossible. She was disillusioning herself again.3
“Where are you going?” As usual, he evaded an unwanted question by asking his own. By now, he had his full attention on her. His eyes, usually a dark emerald, were bright and there was a hint of a smile growing. Standing up gracefully, he walked, no, stalked, toward her. His majestic black wings hung loosely on his back, the feathers rustling quietly as he gave a small stretch.4
“To Victor's.” She tried not to stare at his toned body; the tight black shirt he had on left nothing to the imagination. The lamp's soft light caused his dark brown hair to shimmer as if he was standing in sunlight. Allowing her mind to wander back to this afternoon's escapade, she attempted to hide her growing nervousness at his approach. Tilting her head back, but trying to avoid direct contact, she managed to regain some composure. Unfortunately, at that moment, he chose to gently cup his hands on her cheeks.5
“Rachel.” His voice was husky, and there was no doubt of his growing lust. She stepped back, only to find his hands around her. She tried to keep her breathing calm and dared not speak. He took a deep breath, and she suddenly remembered his lecture on scent. According to him, she smelled like ambrosia, and since she herself had never tasted the food of gods, she took his word for it. Her fingers fumbled clumsily for the doorknob, but froze when he leaned down to stare at her. Despite her immunity to his glamour, her knees went weak.6
“Run.”A growl escaped from his throat, and he quickly released her. Rachel grabbed the door and ran. The stairway was long and she prayed she wouldn't trip. She counted mentally, and at the number three, she heard the door slam shut. Knowing she had only a precious few minutes, she rushed past Arlene without the usual greeting. Ignoring her friend's cry of alarm, she opened the front door and passed the threshold. Only now, safely behind the barrier did she allow herself to rest. Closing her eyes, she began the incantation for teleportation. Just as she finished, she saw Richard and, for a brief moment, she wanted nothing but to stay.7
Author notes
This will be a novel
Theme Song of the Novel: Maria and the Violin's String by Ashram
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Very intriguing (hope I've spelt that right!). Made me want to read more.
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This is a great beginning.. one I would want to read the whole story of. You have caught my attention.. which at times is very .. very hard.
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EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!
Absolutley great! the characters are mysterious, and i want to know more about them! bring me more please!!!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Gorgeous!
As i began to read, i thought it could be something unusual. It was more than i expected! The characters were so deep and the end unexpected. I just want to read more! I can`t really describe the story in words!
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Entrancing. This was purely amazing. I cannot get over this, one split decision to read and wow, I am hooked immediately just by this small opening into something that could be amazing. I hope it is amazing, I want it to be.
Angel? Or something else, wow.
Keep it up. This was just awesome.
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An interesting prologue, you have certainly aroused my curiosity and made me want to read more
. This is just what a prologue is expected to do.
You have two colorful characters in an intriguing situation. At first I thought Romance
—but no—he tells her to run and she does 
.
I look forward to chapter one.
There are few points you might consider when editing.
The use of the same words in closely connected sentences can cause an echo. This will often pause your reader and interrupt his attention. “Rachel.” His voice was husky, and there was no doubt of his growing lust. (She tried to step back, only to find his hands suddenly )around her. (She tried) to keep her breathing calm and dared not speak. He took a deep breath, and she (suddenly) remembered his lecture on scent.
When you have two complete ideas it is better to make short sentences than connect with commas. She gave herself a mental shake, (.) it (It) was impossible.
When possible conjunctions keep the flow smoother than commas. It was late, (and) she was disillusioning herself again.
Just suggestions use ‘em or lose ‘em
.
Geri
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I really like the way you develop the relationship between the characters, and the finishing line is quite ominous ^^ It is quite intriguing, as it raises many questions. This is very appropriate for a prologue.
The way you describe their actions is very nice. I can picture everything you write. Despite this, the description in the first paragraph about the glasses interrupts the flow of the story...
The way you write has a lovely flow to it that makes this very readable.
Minor notes:
- watch your punctuation
- Please consider changing the background. Whenever I see it, I cannot take the story itself seriously. It just makes me laugh ^^
Anyway, nicely done
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This is a very well writen prologue, your grasp of grammer and spelling is wonderful and your descriptions are up to the same par. You create a very interesting relationship between your two characters and leave the reader wanting to know more. Thank you for entering the contest and good luck. If you have not joined the group please consider doing so.
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love it I hope there is more and if there isn't you'll make me cry it was great and amazing and just what I was looking for.
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Ah!
What the crap! Why'd you have to go and end it there of all places. Okay, you have me hooked! *runs off to go read more*
Shorter than I would have initially liked but no matter, it doesn't mean you have no chance at the awards. Thanks for entering and the best of luck to you! On to another story!
<3 H.P. -
Fabulous!
It really draws you in! i would so buy this if I found it in a book store. I can't wait to read the rest. I love it!
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Entrancing
Beautiful, makes me really crave more. The characters look to be interesting, and I'm sure the plot will just get better.
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Beautiful. I loved this and it was well written! keep up the good work!
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Beautifully written, and I couldn't stop reading. It definitely leaves me wanting more. Your descriptions were great, the characters were intriguing. I hope to see the next chapter. Thanks for writing! Hope your days are bright.
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This was well writen, it had a twist which had me reading till the end. Great job. Looking forward for more.
Host
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