Should

"I need to tell you something, but you have to promise you won't laugh at me."1

"I promise."2

"Well... the flowers... the flowers you got and you were wondering about who sent them... they were from emm... me."3

She paused for a second, wondering for one quick second if she was doing the wrong thing by telling him. If it wasn't better to not let him know, and wondering why she didn't do what she had planned to do when she got the flowers; never tell him and just keep it that way forever.4

"Really?" he said.5

She sighed and unconsciously took in a vulnerable position. It made him respond with a hug. He held her. She never expected he would do that. She had expected everything - she had told guys she had feelings for them before - but not this. As she felt his strong arms around her, she couldn't do anything but give in and put her arms around him too. And she felt so safe. His body was strong. She'd never been this close to a guy, never been this intimate. And she felt like she wanted to stay there forever, and 'so this is what it feels like' crossed her mind for a second.6

Then he let go and he put his forehead against hers.7

"That is so sweet of you." he said8

"Well, you'd better like it, it was a long way to the florist. Two hours on the bike."9

"It's so sweet! I'm so glad you told me."10

And he hugged her again.11

Their arms stayed around eachother, even when their heads were really close to eachother again. 12

"I hadn't noticed at all that you felt that way. May I ask... how come?"13

"You want me to explain?" she giggled, sort of knowing that that sort of a question wasn't a good sign.14

"Only if you don't mind?" he said, in a very respectful, nice tone.15

"No sure... I'll try... emmm... well, we've talked. Not a lot, but enough for me to know I like you a lot. I think you're a great guy."16

The distance between their faces became a bit larger again. 17

"After saying something stupid, I also want to ask something stupid."18

"Sure." he said, with a sweet smile on his face - the smile she'd fallen for.19

"Is the feeling in ANY way mutual? Even just a tiny little bit somewhere maybe?"20

He paused for a second, took a deep breath and she prepared for the worst.21

Good thing she did.22

"If I'd have to be completely honest... there's a feeling there... there is feeling... but I just think you're a really cool chick. I mean, to have a beer and talk with. I'd love to be friends! Good friends! I'd REALLY honestly like that a lot. But a relationship? I don't think so."23

Her brain was running so fast she went into a trance, just automatically answering questions, not really feeling or thinking anymore. So tried to find eye contact with her friends, who had been watching the, trying to let them know it wasn't going well. But they didn't look her in the eye.24

"I don't know you very well. But I really do like you a lot! Really a lot!" He added, sincerely.25

"Well," she said, somewhat weaker (but he was too drunk to notice) "that's always nice to hear."26

The first thing that went through her mind was; she'd tried to get the guy she wanted three times, and one of those guys, Leon, had said EXACTLY the same to her. It scared her. It made her feel like a failure. Asexual. Void. Unattractive.27

"But I'm serious, I like you a lot. I mean, I know I'm just a little bit drunk now..."28

"Make that quite drunk."29

"You're right... well, anyway, I'll give you my number, you'll text message me in the morning and I'll tell you with a sober head I think you're a great girl."30

'I don't care', she thought. She didn't want him to like her. She didn't need his approval as a person. She had lots of great friends, she didn't need a friend. She didn't need to hear she was a good person. What she needed to hear was that she was attractive, and what she needed was someone who held her like he had a few minutes ago.31

"Call me now and we can check it's the right number." he said.32

She called him. The screen on his phone said 'Nellie calling'.33

She was quite shocked. Didn't he just say they didn't know eachother very well? She never gave him her number? He'd never called her Nellie. It was always Nelleke. What was this about?34

They talked for a bit, and then they went seperate ways.35

Once outside she broke out in tears, and though she wanted to, she couldn't stop crying. She hated herself for telling him, she hated him for being so amazing.36

She reminded herself of all the things she SHOULD have done differently. Of all the things that went wrong, and concluded that above everything else, she SHOULD have never fallen for him three years ago when they first met.37

She didn't sleep that night. She didn't sit still. 'Cause every time she sat still, she couldn't help from crying. Over what she SHOULD have done.38