Friends [[A Life Lesson I Learned]]

Is it bad, you can remember everyone's birthday, but they can't remember your's? Is it sad when you can identify nearly every person in your grade, when you have the highest number of kids in your class? Do you realize that deep down, you have no one that really cares? No friends, no comfort, just work. School...education...tests...stress. 1

As I sit here, writing this, I see the class of '11 at my school. I know everyone's names, or last names if not the first. I know many of their birthdays. I pass every one of them in the hall. I crack jokes with some to feel better. But deep down, I know I have nothing. My only two friends are in another Honors class that I took last semester. My boyfriend is a grade lower than me. And to top it off, my last friend lives in another state, and he's working right now. So, what do I do? I naturally just play along with the others.2

I act like I am with them. But I know I'm not. I'm not fooling any soul in that school. They know I'm a loser. They hate me. And they try to use me daily. What do I do? I smiled and act. My usual. I smile, act casual, and do my work. Occasionally, I act very stupid to make someone else smile. But I'm just making myself look like a fool. By third period, everyone is looking at me like I'm a freak show. And by homeroom, people are trying to avoid me or trying to tell me their drama. 3

Lunch time, I sit with people who act like they care. Either Caitlin's posse or Cori's posse. Cori is my fake-brother. Every one at the table is my sibling, with the exclusion of J.T., my ex boyfriend. I don't like these tables. I prefer sitting with Jacob, Debra, and Maggie. I prefer being with one friend and her group. They like me. Jacob even considers me a friend. I can't though. I hate people that cling to me...4

When they don't know who I am.5

Kathy's in homeroom while I slowly eat whatever I happen to pick up. By the end of lunch, I have to get serious for Symphonic choir. Here, everyone acts like my friend. We have to work as a group in order to sound well. No one in my section likes me. Everyone is friends with each other. Debra and Kathy are in a class I have no idea about. Ryan is in Health, with girls that continuously flirt. 6

By band, I can slowly allow myself to be in the middle. My maturity level can knock down four ticks. I sit up straight and Mr. Grow cracks a joke. I bust out laughing. Kathy joins me. Debra joins me. Ryan is in Art, doing projects he hates. He is only doing school because he has to. He is doing Art because of the Fine Arts credits he needs. I have all mine. I had mine by the end of the first semester of freshman year. Kathy looks at me. She is playing a smaller version of my instrument. Debra is behind me, playing some type of percussion. 7

Sometimes, I irritate the band director. I don't care, actually. I don't care by this point of the day. I hate school by eighth period. By now, my grandma either picks me up or I ride the bus. If I ride the bus, I ignore the voices that yell and scream. The constant idiots screaming "Slut" at me. I just tune out everything. I am one of the last kids off. I walk down the street, into my house and I'm greeted by Grandma sleeping or watching the big screen television we SOMEHOW afforded. My grandpa is doing the same, or on one of his THREE computers.8

I go to my room, which right now is being occupied by two cats and my laptop. Baby lays and glares at me. Little Boy runs like hell. I laugh and then make Baby get up. She leaves, severely angry with me. I get on the computer for the rest of the night. Sometimes, I actually do homework. I never call Debra unless she wants to stay over. She's too busy with Lacey or Shaena. I leave it at that. I don't call Kathy till nine, because she is doing homework of AAA. I talk to her for ten minutes and she goes to bed. Ryan calls. We talk for about the rest of the night. Sometimes, I talk to Louis if I'm still awake enough. 9

I go to bed by one or two o'clock in the morning. Of course, due to insomnia, I wake up about every twenty minutes. That's about...eighteen dreams per night. Beautiful. But wait...I wake up at six-thirteen every morning. I get dressed and straighten my poofy hair. I go to the car, go to school, and do this all over again. Every day. I go doing this. 10

You all see me as the kid that is always smiling. The girl that always has something to say funny. The one that can make YOU smile.11

Congrats.12

Cause I have more stories about my lifetime than people that actually care to hear me out. 13

People say you're only supposed to have a small number of friends. 14

The ones I have...I'm not even sure I can trust or need anymore.