We Need to Talk

At two o’clock in the morning they had reached a stalemate. Silence followed. The air were heavy with the things that wasn’t being said and the things that had been said that shouldn’t have been.1

Two young men in a living room. A small one at that. One was in an armchair rubbing his forehead, looking tired. He watched the other, the younger, move around, giving off the impression of a caged animal. A tiger behind bars.2

Hurtful things had been said, mainly by the younger man, but not spurred by malice. He was cornered, he had lashed out. Steve knew that. He knew that every blow dealt by the tiger was just a reaction to his pain. But even with that realisation it had still stung. And yet he had sat there, immovable, and received the punches, desperately wanting to share the pain. 3

How long had they been silent? Neither were sure. Both thought it had been too long.4

“Talk to me Danny,” Steve didn’t get any response. The entire conversation, or fight really, had been like that. Steve asking, pleading, coaxing, and Daniel refusing to answer. At the moment he was standing at the window with his back turned, he was looking out but not seemingly seeing anything, just staring at nothing. Fists clenched. Shoulders sagging. He was looking even more like a twelve year old than usual, Steve thought. 5

The point was, however, that Daniel wasn’t a twelve year old. He was anything but, normally. Despite the freckles and the lanky figure Daniel was probably the most grownup person Steve knew. But not that night. That night Daniel was hurt and it was Steve’s fault. Steve rubbed his forehead again.6

“Danny, talk to me, please,” Steve winced internally at stooping to begging, “Please.”7

“And say what, exactly?” By the sound of Daniel’s voice his teeth were clinched to match his fists.8

“At this point, anything.” 9

“What are you still doing here Steve? I thought I told you to leave.”10

Steve got to his feet, not from a desire to leave, but rather because he wanted to approach Daniel physically if not mentally, but he was unsure of how Daniel would react. Standing up was as far as he got, instead he said, “I can’t leave you like this.”11

“Why? I don’t need you. Leave me alone Steve.”12

Steve winced again, this time visibly, that was a low blow. Now he was the one to turn away his face. Nevertheless he managed to retain hold of his voice.13

“I know you’re hurting. Why won’t you just talk to me.”14

“Go home Steve.”15

“Home?” Steve’s voice was failing him and that one word came out high-pitched and unnatural. 16

They were facing each other, looking into each others eyes like a couple of boxers before a fight. Who will look away first? Daniels gaze was firm and steady, his head was tilted slightly back, his arms crossed. Steve’s arms were hanging limp at his sides.17

“This is just ridiculous,” Steve thought to himself, without breaking off the childish staring competition. Daniel clearly had the upper hand at the moment, but Steve didn’t budge. Finally Daniel broke it off. He turned away abruptly and returned to his window. 18

The minute Daniel turned away Steve dropped to the nearest surface. It happened to be the armrest of the sofa. He felt utterly and completely spent. Looking up at Daniel he realised that he was holding on tightly to the windowsill and that his shoulders were shaking. Still, no sound was coming from him.19

Steve walked up behind him, just standing there for a few moments. Lifting a hand hesitantly he touched the younger man’s back lightly. Daniel almost flinched at the touch leading Steve to remove his hand instantly. 20

“Come Danny, go to bed.” 21

No answer but Daniel’s shoulders stopped shaking. He shook his head, he was still looking out of the window into nothing.22

“Come now, you can’t stay here all night. You need sleep.”23

Daniel looked down and mumbled, “No, not tired enough.”24

“That’s rubbish. You look like hell mate.”25

“I’ll sleep later.”26

“It is later,” Steve placed a hand on Daniel’s shoulder but he shrugged it away with an annoyed air. 27

“Just go away will you,” Daniel spoke slowly, almost pausing between each word. 28

Steve lingered behind him, wanting to touch him, to make him feel better. Giving up he threw his hands up in the air in frustration before heading for the bedroom desperately wanting to kick something. Or someone. The boy had a real knack for making him feel useless. 29

Despite being excessively tired Steve couldn’t sleep. Not instantly anyway. After tossing and turning for what seems like hours he got up to look at Daniel through the crack of the door. He was still standing in front of the window with his arms crossed. Crawling back into bed Steve finally fell asleep. He didn’t hear Daniel move around, changing his clothes, neither did he hear him leave the flat at the crack of dawn.30

No one was around to see him running through the dim light of dawn. His breathing became strained as he was running faster than he normally would. It was getting harder and harder to keep going, yet he didn’t stop. Not even when little black spots appeared at the periphery of his vision. By then his body was protesting against the torture so heavily that all that was on his mind was how to get all the way home again without passing out.31

And he did get himself home again. As he moved slowly up the stairs on heavy legs, all that he had just worked so hard to forget came back to him. 32

When he opened the door to the flat he found Steve standing there in the small hallway with a set of keys in his hand and a determined look on his face. Daniel closed the door slowly, looking at him inquiringly. Without further ado Steve took his hand and placed the keys in it. 33

“Goodbye.” Steve started for the door leaving Daniel completely stunned, staring at the keys in his hand. 34

Turning his head he saw Steve reaching for the doorknob and opening the door. Before Daniel really knew what he was doing he had pushed away Steve’s hand and had closed the door rather forcefully. Their faces were inches apart as they stared intently at each other. 35

Sensing rather than seeing that Steve was going to reach for the door again, Daniel grabbed him by the shoulders and crashed him a bit too violently against the door, kissing him with passion fuelled by months of frustration and the despair of the moment. At first Steve responded but at length he grew rigid. He pushed Daniel away, slowly, with a mix of anger and sadness in his eyes. He was looking into Daniel's as he spoke.36

“It is not enough Daniel, not anymore.”37

“Why? What do you want from me?”38

“I want to know how you feel. I want to know that you want me.”39

“But you know I do.” 40

“Then tell me. Talk to me. I need to know for sure.”41

“Then stay.”42

“Why?”43

“What do you mean?”44

“Why should I stay?”45

“Because…”46

“You can’t, can you?”47

“But, I…”48

“Goodbye”49

As the door closed shut behind Steve, Daniel whispered as if suddenly realising: 50

“I love you, stay because I love you.” 51

And he could hear the sound of Steve’s footsteps disappearing down the stairs.