I was living a comfortable life in New York and then one day, BAM, my mom is all like, "We're moving! California baby!" 1
I was shocked. 2
"W-What? California! Why, when, how?" 3
My mom grabbed a suitcase out of thin air and sighed. She flipped her bleach blond hair. (which looked horrible with her skin tone) "Well there's this guy who I met about a month or two ago. He is filthy rich. I mean money, money, money. Says I'm so beautiful that he wants to take me to live with him on his 50 acres in Los Angeles, California! How can I possibly say no to that offer! And you know, he calls me Ra-shell, instead of Rachel, isn't that great!"4
My heart fell into my stomach. "No," I flatly replied.5
"What," she said with a dumbfounded face. "You don't like Ra-shell?" She exaggerated the 'shell' part with a stupid giggle. "I like it, it's so Fransays." 6
I remember screaming. "Gosh! What the hell is wrong with you? Aren't you almost 40! Running around to be a rock star? Well, no! It's too late. I am not leaving and you know that both of our lives are here, in this city! I don't wanna leave my friends and my life. I don't wanna start over! I thought I was supposed to be the young one! You are such a lo-." I stopped right there, feeling sorry for her and wondering what had gotten into me. To my surprise, the usual drama queen kept her composure.7
As she gathered her clothes and stuffed them into her suitcase, she looked up. Her manicured hands were moving quickly, a strange expression appeared on her face. Desperation. A look I've never seen on her face before. "Listen Priscilla, give me -"8
"Huh?" I cut her off immediately. "Hey! It's Lily, re-mem-ber. . . that's my name. Come on mom, out of all the stupid things to do, I mean, forget my name! That is just insane."9
"Oh, I didn't tell you? Well, your name is Priscilla now. Um.. Carl, I think that's his name, you know that guy whose taking me to California, doesn't like Lily, it's the name of his ex-wife. And seriously, I don't want your name to get in the way of my stardom."10
I remember thinking that she was drunk. "You have gone off the end of the cliff! That is ridiculous. You're changing my name. That's it, I'm gone!" 11
I took a look into her eyes. In a sense it was like staring into a mirror. My eyes were as dark as her's and if she kept her hair natural it would be the same dark color as mine. The creamy skin tone and gold undertones. I had pouty lips, just like her. Wow. . .12
I stopped thinking about myself actually looking like that vain lady and stomped over to the door. I desperately needed to take a walk, but she got to the door before I did. "Come on, you are overreacting. First of all, I never named you Lily, your stupid father did. I regret that, I wanted to name you Priscilla. Second of all, your name is already changed. I work fast with legal stuff." She winked at me. "Anyway, it's not a big deal."13
I tugged on the doorknob, but she was leaning on the door. I think I was crying. "Do you hate me that much! I mean doing this to your own daughter. Why didn't you close your legs when you were giving birth to me or you should have dropped off in front of a church or gave me to my father. Huh?" I viciously tugged the door, but it wouldn't open up.14
"*bunny*, Li- Priscilla!" She exclaimed, "Gimme a chance Lil - Priscilla, I mean Priscilla. Look, we are going to have a good life and Carl is a nice guy." 15
"What's his last name?" I asked as I fiddled with the doorknob. 16
"Shut up, I know it starts with a B so HA!"17
"Gosh, do you hear all the crap that comes out of your mouth."18
"Don't talk to me like that, I'm your mother. Just listen. Please. This is not about me hating you, it's not even about you. This is about me."19
"Wow, about you huh, MOTHER. You are so thoughtful."20
"No more trashy, tiny apartment. None of that stuff. Designer clothing. Picture it, a huge mansion! My big break in Hollywood. Calvin has -"21
"You mean CARL." 22
"Whatever, Calvin-Smalvin, Carl-Shcmarl." She rolled her shadowy eyes. "You are coming with me." While gently pushing me away from the door, she kissed my forehead and said, "and if you aren't happy I'll send you back, I'll send both of us back and leave whatshisname on his 50 acres." A grinch-like smile came upon her face. "So pack you bags Priscilla, honey!" 23
"My name is Lily," I mumbled as I walked to the closet like an obedient dog. "My name is Lily. . ."
Author notes
Thanks for just clicking the link and if you read it thanks a million for reading this.
I'm gonna add to this but what do you think??
How can I improve this?
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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This is good if cliche but really good. It instantly draws you into the story and you instantly know what's happening. For Priscella she had a realistic reaction-it links to her personality in my opinion.
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I'm being honest here while I'm saying this. The topic-moving to a new place, is very cliched, though honestly I can't complain, my own novel is about that. Secondly, the characters are a bit exaggerated. You could be a bit more realistic here you know-I mean I KNOW it's fiction, and it's not supposed to be realistic anyway, but it comes across as a tad exaggerated. Also, I think you could explain why the mother is so unconcerned about her daughter and announces everything so casually-is it alcohol? Or she's just careless?
Just some suggestions, try them out and see whether your story is any better, or whether it's worse(lol)
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wow...please continue, iam starting to be curious..!
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this was pretty good. I enjoyed it and am looking foward to more drama. Or whatever you're planning to throw at us curious readers.
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nice. i kept me reading and i like the way your dialogue goes. you can make it that they really came back, or she stays there and love it. however you go, my opinion is don't go with the flow. which means, don't use my ideas, since it's cliche. see what you can come up with, something that's different, used but rarely used. i mean, come on there's so many stories in the world that coming up with a truly original one is kinda hard. keep your dialogue short and sweet as it is, and you'll be going a long way!
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Very Good
You have the start of a nice story here, go any place with it.
Let Carl or whoever he is be good or bad, lying or truthful.Let the girl go wild or try to retain her mother I hink she is a character on One Life To Live on channel 2 ABC.
Neat idea to go off with a stranger and change your kids name.
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Hmm, this is nicely written. You could have placed a bit more emotion on Lily when she was crying, a bit of screaming would have been nice as well. Other than that it's all good. ^_^"
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow, her mom sounds awful! I like this and I can't wait to read more of this if you decide to comtinue. This is awesome!
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Very interesting. Well written!
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Hmmmm........
I had a quick look at your homepage, and I have to say that for someone of your tender years, this is an acutely observed story. You let the reader fill in the gaps of knowledge about the two characters by reading the dialogue; this is very good technically, and lets the reader do just enough work to make them feel involved in the story. So far so good.
In answer to your question about how you can improve on this, I haven't really got an answer. The grammar and punctuation aren't too bad, and obviously are fitted round the characters' way of speaking. The point is that your authorial voice is clearly discernible, albeit a little undeveloped; time will mature it, though, as I say, it's fairly mature given your age.
The thing that stands out for me is that you are telling the story in your own way and your own words. Always stay true to that, and don't try to imitate your favourite author's style, because it simply won't work. As your vocabulary develops in real life, let it develop here too. Stick to the vocabulary you're confident with, don't try to use big words just because you can. You've heard of the KISS principle? Stick with that and you won't go far wrong.
I certainly think you should continue this story, using your own experience, or that of someone you know really well. And though this isn't my preferred reading matter, of its kind, it's well written with verve and style. But do continue with it, and please let me know when it's finished.
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This is amazing. I suggest giving a bit of background about Lily and her mother, and then it'll be perfect!
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Oh this is brilliant! You should right more! xxx
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You know? I would have hated my mom being like that. All this one cared about was becoming famous! And her changingmy name without asking me first? ARGH!! You know what else? I like this story better by the minute. You'll HAVE to write more of this, it was INTERESTING!! My feelings still burn in despicion (is that a word?) toward Rachel, and, to tell you the truth, I've ALMOST been in the same possition as Lily, only that my parents are nice, tnhoughtful and serve my religion and their kids right. As I said, I TRULY loved this story. It had perfect lenght, and I've seen, heard of or read to many books to wonder about if this was a well-chosen title, 'cause it WAS. It also was a sympathetic towards myself, not that my life is such a **** You've gotten a a few grammatical errors, but it's basically nothing to worry about - just some punctuation and such. Amazing! Truly well done!
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wow
wow that caught me off gaurd her mother changing her name and then movin to cali out of the blue -
It was a little rough. The mother sounded like a child, If that's where you were taking it. I think you should make her, her own. Instead of giving her, her daughters voice.But other then that I really liked it. I do think you should continue it.
(KA)
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This is really good!
I think it was quite original of you to BEGIN with the happy end, and the story itself is bizzare enough to laugh at with the mother but is also realistic withy the relationship of the mom and daughter. the contrast is excellent!!!
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Great
This is interesting and I would like to find out more about her. I believe that this is something you should finish. -
Nice job.
You have a nice idea here
This could be a very good story if you put a little more effort into the writing and proof-reading. Try not to rush it either. When you have a good story like this, slow down, and let us enjoy it ^^
Just by reading it aloud to yourself, you should be able to hear what just doesn't sound right, and what what sound better. It would make it a lot easier on the diligent editors, such as myself. That way, all of your readers would be able to appreciate it a bit more.
""Lily," my father called from downstairs "I'm home!" Gosh, you don't know how great it is to say father, home or even Lily. I bet you're wondering why, right? Well, if you want to know. . ." A few mistakes. You need a period after "downstairs". "Father" "home" and "Lily" should all be in inverted commas. Be careful here, you are getting a bit conversational.
I agree with everyone else, the beginning is a bit rushed. I'd like to know more "a sad moment"... maybe it should be "a sad time"?
Paragraph 4:
please remember that this is writing, not a conversation with someone. This paragraph is way too casual.
Paragraph 7:
"thin air sighed" umm... what?
"She flipped her bleach blond hair that looked horrible with her skin tone." I feel like this information of her hair interrupts the flow of the story. Either way, it should be "bleached blond"
Paragraph 9:
" face "You " should be a full-stop in between.
"its" should be "it's"
paragraph 10:
"care-free" should be one word
"To my surprise the" comma after "surprise"
Paragraph 11:
"suitcase she looked up" comma after "suitcase"
Paragraph 12:
"immediately, " should be a full-stop.
"mom" needs a capital "M"
Paragraph 15:
"her" should be "hers" comma afterwards too
paragraph 16:
"As I stopped thinking about me looking like that vain lady and stomped off to the door." Very awkward sentence.
Just so you know, when you enroll at a school, you give them a copy of your birth certificate, which would have your original name on it. So you'll need to fix that up.
Paragraph 17:
"Why didn't you close your legs when you were giving birth to me or hey you should have dropped off in front of a church or gave me to my father." another awkward one. Please insert punctuation
Paragraph 20:
"B" should be in inverted commas.
21:
"your mouth."" question mark instead of period.
26:
"Carl-Shcmarl" " period afterwards.
"me" and she " period after "me" Delete "and". Captial "S" for "She."
""and if " capital letter for "And"
"whatshisname " should be hyphenated ^^
Last para:
"Lily." I mumbled " comma instead of period. comma after "mumbled"
You should keep going with this. With a bit of practice, you should get the hang of the whole writing thing.
Thank you
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Thank you SO much for the editing tips. I really appreciate it!
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Firstly, yes I think this is good and worth continuing, but I agree with the previous comment that it seems rushed in places. I think that particularly the very first paragraph could benefit from being made a little clearer.
I realise that the story is told from the point of view of a young girl, but I feel that your style gets a little to conversational when telling the story. That’s of course just my opinion but I would look out for words like “like” as used in paragraph four, and “gosh” when not used in dialogue.
You have missed a couple of commas in paragraph four and nine, and the first sentence of paragraph seven needs an edit, other than that no errors sprung at me.
Well done.
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HMMMmmmm,,,,
I must say that it was all very rushed. When you write a story it has to be carefully thought out, and aligned just right so that you can captivate your readers. I mean it's a VERY interesting story and and I soo think that you should keep writing on it. You're doing an AWESOME job. But just go back through and reread it, and see the places that seemed a little too rushed and the places that need improvement. Please don't ever stop writing! You have a gift and you need to continue to use it..ok? =)
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