Vampire Mate: part1

The phone rang and I grabbed it off the dresser.
"Yeah, Ray?" I asked rubbing my wet hair with a towel.
"Ashlyn! get out. Get out of your apartment right now. The Order is there." Ray's frantic voice was cut off. The line went dead. A knock sounded on my door and I dropped the towel backing away from the room with the phone clutched in my hand. I dropped it and stared at my door. Another knock and I spun around and ran to the window. I crawled out the fire escape as two huge black figures rammed the door open. They saw me and headed my way.
"Dammit!" I cursed as I scrambled down the stairs. The men were gaining on me fast. I jumped down about five feet and landed awkwardly but still intact. I raced around the alley and out into the street where more were waiting. I pulled my cell phone out from my pajama bottoms and dialed Chase's number.1

"Yello?" he said cheerfully.2

"Chase! I need a pick up. Now! The order is chasing me. I need help," I paniced. 3

"On the way, now. Like we'll be there five minutes ago. I've got you linked. Hard-ass is on the way with Tevan." A stone hand gripped my arm and yanked my back. I dropped the cell phone and it smashed against the pavement. No one was there. Oh why oh why did I have to live in the almost abandoned part of town. I pulled my arm back and slammed it forward relishing it as skin split under my knuckles. 4

A tall man stumbled back rubbing his jaw. He grinned at me suddenly as he flashed his fangs. Shit! I thought wildly. Tevan and Jose weren't going to make it. I backed away and saw the bloodlust in his eyes. No, this couldn't be it. No, I wasn't going down without a fight.5

I knocked my foot under his legs sweeping him to the ground. He fell hard and grasped for my ankle. I slipped and landed on top of his chest.6

"Damn it Bitch, we're hear to save you!" I shot up like a bullet and dashed around the second vampire coming for me. 7

Fire raced through me straightening my spine. I froze on the sidewalk. My body unwillingly turned to look up into two clear hazel eyes. Mind control. The second vampire frowned down at me and then lifted me up into his arms. I struggled furiously internally. Where were Tevan and Jose. 8

"Fuck you, Bastard vampire," I managed to choke out. The one holding me looked down and his frown turned in a scowl.9

"God only knows why Lyon wants this one,"he said to his partner.10

"Can't blame Lyon for this, Cedric. She doesn't even know."11

"What don't I know? Where your taking me? Oh thats fine tell me and I'll just invite a few friends," I snapped. The other one grinned and walked along side Cedric. 12

"Damn vampires," I cussed. Cedric ran his hand over my face and my eyes became heavy.13

"I'm tired of your mouth. Sleep now." 14

"You MotherF-" My mind shut down in the next second and I didn't get to finish the insult.15

A contest entry

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Comments


  • beerstorecowboy
    February 19

    Edit | Reply
    Well, I'll certainly give you credit for submitting a story centered around the first subject on my "lame list." That shows some real guts.

    So, as promised, you will receive the same kind of brutally honest constructive critique as all the other entrants.

    As far as this story goes, I have absolutely no idea what's going on. At all. It's like a barrage of names with no faces attached, sprinkled with awkwardly-used profanity. I don't mind when a story just jumps right into the action, but this is like falling into the eleventh chapter of a book you've never heard of. I think a lot of this confusion for me stems from the rushed feel of the story. I think it's effective insofar as it accurately expresses the main character's swift attempted getaway and racing thoughts, but I feel it also makes it difficult for the reader to get a good sense of the characters, situations, or surroundings.

    My suggestion? Slowwwww down! Let the reader get a better feel for your world. Also, the profanity just doesn't sound right. I curse like a fucking sailor, but if you don't use it right, it sounds juvenile. Use it less and in key places and the words will have a much bigger impact.

    Thanks for entering my contest and having the balls to stand up to me and my list of lame stuff. Don't think that goes unappreciated!


    • Ashlyn Rose
      February 19
      Edit | Reply
      it's suppose to be fast she's got to get the hell out of there man! and how can you hate vampires? either way I knew I wasn't going to win...with your screen name I never expected to win. but I was in for the feedback and that's what I got. we'll see sooner or later whether or not your advice comes in help. Thanks for reading it anyway. Your pretty awesome...most ppl who don't like vampires will read the title and put it down.

      • beerstorecowboy
        February 19
        Edit | Reply
        Haha. I won't shun a fellow writer for anything, especially a disagreement over what's cool and what's not. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with vampires, they are just played out. You know? Anyway, keep up the writing. I look forward to your future works. So what about my screenname made you think you would lose a contest?

  • cooliobean13
    February 10

    Edit | Reply

    Cliche'd Irony

    it's hilarious! Oh, the chiche'd irony! I'm literally falling out of my chair, i'm laughing so hard!