The dive bar is where Troubles and Loneliness go to die.
Coincidentally it's also where their purveyors go for much the same purpose.
Despite my affinity for these boneyards of workaday headaches and broken hearts, the only problem I'm drinking to forget about is the drinking itself.
You can't buy paradoxes like that at your fancy night clubs.
Even if you could, the cost of parking and cover would be too much to make it worthwhile.1
Most days I sit at a table rather than the bar itself.
Plenty of room to spread out and set up.
Beer, salt, ashtray and a 5-subject notebook left over from Junior College.
But most importantly, I've got a full view of the Troubles and Loneliness at the bar.
Front row seat to the mass suicide by drowning.
Most go peacefully; floating off into the bubbling, burning mess of it all.
Some go down swinging.2
The guy in the corner seat is tough as shit.
His teeth are gnashed together like the top row is in a vicious melee with the bottom.
A temporary ceasefire is called every so often for the battle-hardened teeth to swim in the Trouble-euthanizing bubbling, burning mess of it all.
Peace coddles the nation-state of Mouth just long enough for the warriors to ponder what the hell they're fighting for before the generals give their orders and the great gnashing conflict begins again, bloodier than ever.
Such is the way of things.
This guy is tough as shit.
He looks like a bullet made of knives.
I know his type.
He watches his fair share of NASCAR, but every so often, when no one's watching, he almost sheds a tear during a very affecting insurance commercial.3
Two seats down there's a scrawny scene type.
A likely victim for the Great Gnashing Bullet Knife should the little bastard happen to look at him, crossways or elsewise.
He's probably here to inflate an image rather than to pull the plug on an invalid, bedridden Loneliness.
Besides, no self-respecting Trouble would give this guy power of attorney anyway.
He looks like what would happen if Lewis Carroll got drunk and penned a cautionary tale about the vegan agenda.
All he knows is that scum is chic.4
Tell that to the fella a few stools down.
The Scumlord.
The Drunkmaster General.
This dude is halfway between messiah and sorcerer.
He can turn piss to beer and if he ever bothered to take off his stinking moccasins he could walk straight over the bubbling, burning mess of it all.
Much to the chagrin of some Troubles, he can't quite master the messianic power of raising the dead.
If I hang out here til last call, I'll end up having to give the Incredible Screaming Scumlord a ride home.
Fellowship is key in the Graveyard of Loneliness.
I dare not exempt myself from the ranks of the widowed.5
At the end of the bar is an unlikely pair.
Kindred spirits of the dive, perpetually laying to rest an intimate Loneliness most of us will never understand.
The Sports-Minded Social Retard
and
The Middle-Aged Bar Skank.
The former has way-too-brushed long hair tucked behind his ears.
Glasses.
Reeboks.
Baseball jersey tucked into way-too-high jeans.
He's practically having a conversation with the football game on TV, desperately hoping the live commentary will attract even the most superficial taste of attention from his fellow divers.
Usually these pathetic tactics are fruitless, but the Social Retard possesses something incredible that the rest of us don't:
impenetrable resilience to offense.
I firmly believe that this makes him a superior enlightened being.
The rest of us could learn something from him if we weren't so busy having sex.6
That brings us to the Middle-Aged Bar Skank.
Smoking Marlboro Light 100's like she just got a secret memo from the desk of Phillip Morris saying "Shitfire, ladies. The liberals won. Smoke 'em if ya got 'em, cuz this is the end of the doggone line, ladies. When the last butt stubs the tray, the world is one big lonely hellscape of non-smokin commies. The vegan agenda. Shitfire."
She used to be something, back in '75.
The free drinks peaked and waned.
Came and went.
Nowadays she's holding a glass of vodka-stained ice, hoping for the next sucker to pick up the tab on the funeral costs of her Great Loneliness.
Well, as sure as the years pile on the smokestink wrinkles around her glossed-up lips, a sucker is buried every minute.
The men are fewer and ever farther between and sometimes the delirium tremens rattle up through her bones and nearly knock the Marlboro from those glossed-up lips.
Shitfire. That could have been the last, ladies.
She's found an unlikely alliance in the Sports-Minded Social Retard.
He'll keep her in drinks so long as she keeps him company. A drink for a taste of validation. A fair trade.
They rarely converse; his awkwardness and her professional denial of services, both honed skills with a combined ten thousand years of experience, keep the whole situation in a somber, mutually-gratifying nothingness.
They're sharing a life raft in the bubbling, burning mess of it all. 7
Then there's that sleaze sitting by himself at a table.
Beer, salt, ashtray and a 5-subject notebook left over from his overlong, failed stint at Junior College.
Disgusting and judgemental.
Drunk and self-righteous.
Scribbling down his long-lines of short-hand bullshit, injecting just enough self-deprecation to justify his pathetic prose.
The Great Recordkeeper of the Dive.
I gulp down the camelpiss backwash of my last beer and signal to the Scumlord that his ride's about to swerve off into the sunset.8
The notebook is where my Loneliness and Troubles go to die.
Coincidentally, it's also where their purveyor goes for much the same purpose.
- Storywrite Anthology Volume One group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Give Me Your Best Story!!! by TheDecree.
310 points, ended February 14, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Be the Story You Write, I read - Tell me a story !!! by Ashlyn Rose.
110 points, ended February 21, 53 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Gimme gimme your best shot! (almost everything) by Atticus Unanimous.
600 points, ended March 19, 25 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Pulitzer Prize by SilentMoonDance.
1950 points, ended February 28, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Wow Me! by vamplover22907.
100 points, ended May 9, 18 entries
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170 points, ended June 10, 93 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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I have to say although it's not the usual kind of story that I read it was good. Funny and the people at the bar described well enough that I can imagine them all sitting in a dark smoked filled bar and I wouldn't want to be there--maybe walked in by mist
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Strangely I didn't find it funny. I found it pretty deep.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hello, and thank you for entering my contest. It's a nice write, but I believe it has too much focus on the people in the story and the narrators thoughts to be suitable for the contest. I did enjoy reading it however, and wish you luck in future contests with this piece--it's a nice one you have written here.
~Sparrow
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This is pretty funny. (: Thanks for sharing, it made me smile.
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excellent! i loved it. i could not see any errors which is alwaysa good thing. goodluck with it being in the contests you have entered it it...Well DOnee
Citcat
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Brilliant
Brilliant, man. The cast of characters is what got me. You've painted them in sad tones, but it's so easy to visualize all those people there. And the different ways you describe drinking throughout really ties it together. And the ending brought it all together. Full circle. It's like something between Modest Mouse and Bright Eyes. This is really good stuff.
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Nice...
I'm left wondering how the main character ended up in this situation anyway? It's kind of a pathetic, lonely state to be in, and I know some people like that--people who drink their problems away, excessively. Anyway, this story was very original and well written. I love it's sarcastic tone and brash humor, and the many different characters really bring the story to life. I see the sadness in it, too. How at the Dive Bar, everyone is there for a different reason, searching for the same remedy. It's like one big family of the lonely, the depressed and the failures. They all migrate to this one place to soothe them in a way, but it only puts a spotlight on each and every one of their problems. I enjoyed this read because it describes the human soul exactly; how everyone is looking for that one moment when things'll turn around.
Great write, and good luck in my contest!
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked it! Wanna know how the main character ended up like that? Well, he lives across the street from a dive bar that he frequents a couple times a week. He loves beer and people watching, so he brings his notebook to the bar and writes stylized, exaggerated non-fiction, posts it on some website called Storywrite and everyone thinks it's a sad fictional satire with a depraved "main character"...
Hahaha Thanks again for the kind words and dancing smiley!
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Descriptive and engaging
I read it and never felt awkward about the writing once, which pays tribute to your writing skill. You put everything so clearly that I could think of bars I've been in and correlate the people there to your topic. If I were to improve one or two things it would be to perhaps include the characters as "classes" of people, because it sounded like a rather empty bar to me, and also just spruce up the layout a bit, because it was difficult to relate some parts to each other.
Without being moralistic or judgemental you've managed to convey a review and a warning without seeming bitter. Thought-provoking, yet humourous. Good work!
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AMAZING
That is balking brilliant. like terry Pratchet gets slightly drunk and jots down his thoughts. hail to the master.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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"The dive bar is where Troubles and Loneliness go to die."
You had me caught up in this story immediately. You could change everything or nothing about this story, so long as you leave that first paragraph intact. It grabbed me, literally forcing me to read on, while still remaining faithful to the tone of the story. You didn't go out of your way to grab my attention. Just a quick couple of sentences to let the reader know that this story would be a little different, a little off-beat, a balancing act between seriousness and hilarity. The rest of the story didn't disappoint either. The voice you give it makes it impossible not to burst out laughing every few sentences.
And yet, I can't help but feel bad for this pathetic batch of characters. That's definitely one of the things I liked most about your story. It feels like it could just as easily have been a heart-wrenching tragedy, rather than a comedy. I mean:
"Front row seat to the mass suicide by drowning.
Most go peacefully, floating off into the bubbling, burning mess of it all.
Some go down swinging."
If it wasn't for your relentless sarcasm and wit, I'd be thinking a lot more about what a train wreck all these people's lives seem to be. Like I said, you've struck a balance between hilarity and seriousness that few writers could hope to match.
Oh, and before I end this little critique, which has actually become more of a celebration than anything else, I have to say I love how the story comes full circle at the end. The Great Recordkeeper of the Dive who can't stop at simply recording what he sees. He has to examine himself, too. Not too much, mind you. Just enough to see that he's not so different from the people around him. Then he's done. He gets up, gets out while he still can, and moves on. Moves on, that is, until the next night; night after night in the dive bar where Troubles and Loneliness go to die.
Thanks for writing,
Kcints -
"You can't buy paradoxes like that at your fancy night clubs." hehe, nice line.
Very creative and great use of metaphors. Even better when you euthanize yourself at the end.
I've only been to a dive bar once or twice in my life but I know the types.
Good character sketches!
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lol awesome story, very good use of satire. I loved it. Write more of these please.
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Terrific write, man.
Heh. That's all I have.
You get a lot of these types at the gas station I work at, 'cept for the writer guy. I'm pretty sure I'm the only guy in this fucked up state that writes. Anyway, the douchebags you described in this, outside of Little Boy Scene and Mr. Social Retard, would be fairly decent people to have a drink, or a cigarette with.
This gave me a funny nostalgic feeling. Good...for you?
You should see to get this published. You might want to clear up the format as well. As it is, it gives a very disorganized feel. But, of course, that could have been what you were going for...
Here, have some clappy things. Great success!
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Terrific
Your observations are right on with my thinking. Great satirical insight. I'm still laughing. Good job. Keep it up.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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You certainly can put the reader in the setting. I wish I could be more constructive, I just really don't think I would change anything. Great job.
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Hi Ryan!
I like this story. The dry wry humor is my type of satire. This story will be added to the stories under consideration for the Storywrite anthology. I'll send you the link to apply to that group, soon.
Andy
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Good story
Even though the words were harsh I thought the descriptions captivating. I also liked the way the story came full circle at the end. I was hoping for some compassion in the end, but thats just me.
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Without a shadow, this is the best piece I have read by you. Poetic, harsh, relentless, judgmental but aware of its own shortcomings...this is how I'd like to write but every time I try I sound like I am trying to rip off someone else's style.
Are you writing a novel? You should, you could easily combine elements from most if not all of the stuff you have posted up here, I for one would love to read it.
There is so much great stuff in this piece from the "Despite my affinity for these boneyards of workaday headaches and broken hearts, the only problem I'm drinking to forget about is the drinking itself. You can't buy paradoxes like that at your fancy night clubs." to "His teeth are gnashed together like the top row is in a vicious melee with the bottom.
A temporary ceasefire is called every so often for the battle-hardened teeth to swim in the Trouble-euthanizing bubbling, burning mess of it all."
You manage to create sentences born out of anger, or at the very least distaste, it is so apparent through this piece, but rather than separating yourself from the depravity and disgrace of humanity in all its guises, you align yourself, become humanity, co-exist and document. You deliver a swift kick to the nuts of pretence and simply examine and document - props! -
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Wow, dude. That's the most incredible review I've ever received. I can't thank you enough.
As for a novel? I don't have the patience. That's why all my stories are so damn short.
I am, however, working on a screenplay combining a lot of these ideas and based around my pseudo-autobiagraphical drunk writer "character" that voices the bulk of my stories. It's a passion piece that's years in the making. Maybe one day I'll finish it...
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Wow. Nice characterization, plenty of detail. You managed to make something poetic out of very un-poetic circumstances.
Also, an important part of the appeal of this is that you were able to be descriptive with a fairly small number of words; this seems like the perfect length. Good job.
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God, you are so cool, and it seems you don't even know it!
God I know these people. My dad was a bar owner for most of my life. I grew up in night clubs. I first started playing pool when my eyes finaaly reached the hieght of the table. I had lunch of pretzels, peanuts and pepsi. I started reeling in the years and playing the jukbox like a dj when I was seven.
So when you say "you know the type", believe me brother, I do!
Barfly is one of my favorite movies and your story is very reminiscent of Bukowski's semi-auto. Faye Dunaway could be the skank in your dive.
Really excellent writing. Good metaphors, great ending. And like you said, there's just enough, but not too much self-depreciation. It just sounds like good old plain honesty to me.
Power to you
SJH
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I thought this was good. very descriptive and detailed- captured my attention. It was intriguing and well written... you should consider looking into getting this published Good job!
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I liked the way this story goes full circle but I liked even more the imagery you manage to display. I could picture the bar and the customers all different in their own ways but with a kind of unseen bond fastening them together.
The thoughts of the writer are, in some cases, quite funny and appeal to my sense of humour.
One thing I noticed:
p3 - Peace coddles the the nation - unless I read it wrong I think you have one too may the.
Great read, thanks for sharing.
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Awesome, thanks for catching that error!
I'm glad you liked it. Thanks!
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I loved this! Truly wonderful. You've got an excellent voice here with great characters and brilliant descriptions and imagery.
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This is some powerful stuff, made me feel like I was in that bar, watching the scenes unfold; specially that bit bout the bar slut. Incredible, made it a good day.
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Have you ever thought of getting this published? There are all sort of literary journals/magazines that take short story entries, most of which will even pay you if they accept the submission.
Really, this ought to be out there for more people to read. =) If I were a publisher I'd jump at the chance to put something so darkly amusing, moving, and honestly human in print. The repetition and cyclic narrative worked perfectly for this story, and the formatting (which at first I was a bit confused by) seemed very appropriate by the time I reached the end.
Loved this one - thank you for sharing it with SW.
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Wow! Thank you so much! I'd love to get my works published, I've never submitted anything and I don't see why I don't. It's worth a shot.
Thanks again. That really means a lot to me.
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This is a very nice read--a batch of all kinds of characters at a bar to drown there sorrows. I loved how you described "The Middle-aged Skank". It seems like she lives for men, lol. I guess, she doesn't have her looks like she used too. And I loved how it came to the narrator in the end, nice write. (:
Good Luck in my contest (: -
What can I Say?
How can you critique something like that. I really don't know what to say. I enjoyed reading it and I'm sure that most bars hold just the people you describe.
I guess I must be the middle aged bar skank and I used to be something back in '75 except I don't hang out in bars but I do have the deep wrinkles of a chain smoker for 50 years.
Hell of a habit!
I just started writing 4 months ago, and wonder what took me so long. I'm loving it.
Where do all these ideas spring from?
I'm sure I've met the Sports minded social retard, in fact I could probably hang that hat on my son.
I enjoyed it, don't absolutely understand it, but I admire anyone that can set down and turn the English Language in to
such a story. I can tell a pretty good tale but I see it in everyday, boring English. I should have started writing years ago and maybe I would have built a better vocabulary. When you're a Hermit, and don't talk to anyone, even your speech becomes boring.
Maybe if I read enoght of your nonsense, some of it will rub off on me.
I hope so,
Thanks for everything you have put on for me to read.
I did win a contest today for my story "Revenge" so that's a start.
Trish
Trish
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Haha, if you read enough of my nonsense you'll take to the bottle quicker than a skank on a rich guy. I'm glad you liked this story, though. It means a lot to me. Good luck with the writing! When I get a second I'll check out your work.
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I love this story. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not old enough to drink and I therefore do not go into bars, but I think we all know the types you've described here. Nevermind the bars, I see them at college!
I really enjoyed the way you brought the story full circle, back to the narrator sitting at his table. This was beautifully done; the imagery is great.
I was going to suggest that you flesh the story out into complete sentences, but when you added the line at the end about the guy scribbling his long-lines of short-hand bullshit, it didn't make sense anymore because this is how the narrator would have really written in his notebook.
(And although I don't drink, I drown my troubles and loneliness in my writing, just like I've done since junior high.) Keep up the great work!
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