Monkey Boy

I open the door, walk in to Offender Living Unit “F” and there’s a guy standing on a table with a toilet brush stuck in his butt squeaking like a monkey.1

“Welcome to F-Unit” I hear Sgt. Barker say as my eyes lock onto the unusual sight. “What’s your name?” 2

“Uhh, Dubb. I mean, Officer Dubb, Sergeant” 3

“OK Dubb, as you can see we have a bit of a dilemma here. You ever work Seg. before?”4

“No Sarge, this is my first time. Can I ask a question?”5

Before he can answer, four other Correctional Officers arrive in the Segregation Unit and I hear muffled laughs behind me from the others. I look at the remote controlled door about two feet in front of me and Monkey Boy on the other side of the half inch reinforced glass that makes up the day room. The room is about fifty feet in all directions but is more of a triangle shape than a square with thirty-five foot ceilings and a couple of sky lights. Two floors of cells stretch away as you enter the door in front of me. Being this is my first time here I’ll take a guess that there is a total of fifty cells. Each of the cells has a window about five inches wide and thirty-six inches tall and every one of them has a face mushed up against it. Except the one Monkey Boy is supposed to be in. That one is closed so he can’t get back in and use any of the items in there as an impromptu weapon. He isn’t supposed to have anything that could be used as a weapon, but who knows? He aint supposed be out of his hand-cuffs, butt naked, and dancing on a table with a toilet brush crammed in his ass either…6

After nearly a full minute the other officers stop snickering and start to spread out in the small vestibule area that separates us from Inmate Verosky, aka Monkey Boy. Sgt. Barker calls us over and begins by telling me to put my backpack down and get ready to join the others as we go in to subdue Monkey Boy. 7

Here’s the plan guys, Sgt. Barker says. Dubb, you’re the new guy so I will explain your role later. 8

I look around and am sure the other guys can see the nervous look on my face. After all this is the first time I have personally seen a guy with a brush up his butt and must admit never thought I would. Not to mention I’m gonna have to go and wrestle this guy? What does one grab a hold of on a naked man anyway? I would rather not think about that.9

Brown you’re on shield, when we go in you nail Verosky with the shield and try to get him on the ground or pinned against a wall or anything you can.10

Sterling you grab his left arm, Smitty you grab the right, Dubb you grab his left leg and Sanchez grab the other one. As soon as I get the cuffs on him we’ll take him to Mental Health. Sounds easy right?11

Brown speaks up and says, “Why am I on shield? Dubb’s gotta be six foot three and close to three hundred pounds it makes sense to me that the beef should be the first one in.”12

Look I’m the Sgt. here and you know the new guy has no clue about this sort of thing. What if things go side ways here? Do you want to take a chance of somebody getting hurt cause you don’t want to be on the shield?13

I didn’t say I don’t want to be on shield boss, I just thought it might be better to have the duck on shield due to his size. I’ll do it no prob.14

Good any more comments or questions?15

Hey uhh, I got one Sarge. Like you said, I've never done this before so when we go in what do I do with his leg? 16

Just grab the damn thing and keep him from kicking anyone or getting away. If you gotta lay on him, twist it, or whatever, just do it. We just want to be safe and not get hurt or hurt the inmate either if possible.17

Smitty, Sterling? Any Questions?18

Both of them reply with a quick “nope.” 19

Where is Officer Poncy with the video camera? I don’t want to loose my stripes cause we didn’t tape this thing. I like being a Sergeant. Barker says out loud. 20

Just then a female Correctional Officer comes into the unit carrying a video camera and stops in her tracks at the sight of ol’ Monkey Boy. Her eyes get kind of wide and and she says “What the hell is this Sarge?”21

Come on Poncy, you've been working here for almost ten years. You honestly can’t tell me you haven’t seen this before.22

The Sarge and the other guys start laughing. I’m thinking I had the look of a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck.23

Shit no, I’ve seen a lot of things but never a guy like this and squeaking to boot? This is a first, I must admit. Stop laughing you morons! She snaps. 24

The guys don’t listen and one of them starts scratching under his arms like a chimp. The others are now laughing even harder and I even felt the stress drop a little and chuckle with them.25

Knock it off you doorknobs! Sgt. Barker doesn’t seem to see the humor in the joke. Poncy, you ready with that camera?26

Sure am, America’s Funniest Home Videos here we come!27

How about the rest of you? Dubb are you ready? Dubb?28

I’m not too sure what happened but I guess I got a bit fixated on Monkey Boy. I didn’t even hear Sgt. Barker and was watching this guy run around tables. He was racing around all five of them like we was the lead runner in the obstacle course. I must admit he was quick and in shape. He wasn’t even breathing hard while keeping his cheeks clenched so as not to loose that brush. He couldn’t have been more than twenty-two years old, five foot six inches tall and weighing a hundred and forty pounds soaking wet.29

Man I wish I could run that fast I think to myself. I mean, not including the brush up my butt. After all, unlike Monkey Boy, my chute is exit only.30

Dubb!! 31

Yeah?32

Are you OK? I can’t be you loosin’ now man. Are you sure your ready for this? I mean, when we go in you just grab that leg of his and hold on like it’s the National Bull Riding Championship OK?33

I’m sorry Sarge, I’m ready I guess. This just isn’t how I pictured my first hour at work.34

Who does? Now if everyone is ready I’m gonna have Jimmy in the control booth rack the door. I’m getting tired of this messing around and Monkey Boy is really starting to get the other inmates riled up.35

Sarge was right. I think Monkey Boy was getting the idea we were about to come in and ruin his coming out party. He had just pulled that brush out of his rear and was waving it around like he was one of the Three Musketeers. Man was that dayroom loud. He had every single one of the other inmates going. They were hootin’ and hollerin’ and kicking the doors to their cells. Pounding on the windows with anything they had, books, shoes, coffee cups, I mean anything man. It was almost deafening. A couple of the tenants had flooded the toilets in their cells and it looked like a mini version of Niagara Falls. The water was filling the dayroom making the footing slipperier by the second.36

Hey Jimmy!37

Yea Sarge?38

When I tell ya, rack the door and make sure to close it behind us. Get on the horn and call the Shift Lieutenant and tell him what we are doing and that we need about four more staff up here to help with the clean up and shutting off the water in the cells so we don’t have anymore flooding, Ok? He already knows what’s going on but I just want to make sure nothing has changed on his end.39

I’m dialing now, hang on.40

Ok. Now, are the rest of you sure that you know what your gonna do when we go in? We all nod at the same time. Good, As soon as we get a response from the “Lt.” we will head in.41

Hey Sarge? It’s Jimmy and we turn to look at him up in the elevated control booth. 42

Yea?43

Lt. says he has the other people on the way and to be careful. 44

Thanks Jimmy, RACK THE DOOR!45

Slowly the door starts to open. Brown has his shield up and ready to go, Sterling is right behind him, then Smitty, me, and Sarge. All lined up just like I used to watch on those reality TV shows. I quickly look over my shoulder and see Poncy is about three feet back with the camera and a blinking red light confirming that she is taping the whole thing.46

Monkey Boy, toilet brush in one hand and eyes as wide as I have ever seen on a person comes bolting at us, man is he fast!47

Butt naked, tally whacker flying back and forth like the pendulum on a grandfather clock he races at us screaming like a Comanche. 48

Brown rushes to meet him and nails him with the shield. Monkey Boy goes down and pops right back up. Brown, not deterred meets him again. He pushes him up against one of the tables in the center of the dayroom. Monkey Boy is striking Brown with the toilet brush. Fortunately the shield makes the angle such that the force of the blows are not doing any damage. Sergeant Brown is ordering the inmate to get on the ground in such a tone of voice I think Helen Keller could of heard him. 49

On the Ground! Get on the ground NOW! Stop resisting! 50

As this is happening Officers Sterling and Smitty are reaching for the inmates arms. Monkey Boy is pinned and pinned good. Suddenly he looses his footing and falls to the floor. Myself, Sarge and the others take the opportunity to converge on him at once. Monkey Boy is babbling incoherently and we are all telling each other to get the hand cuffs on him and to hold his extremities so he can’t get away. I grab hold of the leg I was assigned and hang on for dear life. I feel a hand grab me by the wrist and see a set of hand cuffs coming my way.51

Hey! I yell, quite alarmed. That’s me, not the inmate! My hand is released and the cuffs disappear into the mass of arms legs and whatever else is flying around. I’m laying flat on the floor and turn my head. Not two inches from my nose is Monkey Boys toilet brush. Good God! I spin my head back the other way so as not to get a whiff of the brown tinted handle.52

The noise from the other inmates in the cells seems to have gotten louder as they encourage their comrade to fight the good fight. The noise is like nothing I have never heard. Echoing off the walls of the enclosed dayroom it reminded me of a freight train getting ready to hit the entire group of us.53

Finally I hear Smitty yell that he has the cuffs on the inmate. Monkey Boy is still wiggling like snake in a frying pan. 54

We continue to hold the inmate on the ground until Sergeant Brown gives the ok to stand him up.55

Inmate Verosky, are going to comply with my orders? Sgt. Brown asks.56

Verosky nods his head.57

Is anybody hurt? No? Take him to the hospital and have him checked out for any injuries. Sterling, Smitty I’ll come with you the rest of you report to the Lieutenants office for debriefing.58

The group that was told to report for debriefing headed over to the Lieutenants office and sat down to wait for Sgt. Brown and the others.59

The Lt. came to where we were sitting and asked how the use of force went. 60

Officer Brown spoke first and said, “ I think it went pretty good Lt. Nobody got hurt and Officer Dubb here got his cherry broke. You might want to ask him how that shitty toilet brush tasted though.”61

After the laughter died down the Lt. looked at me and asked, “ So Officer Dubb, what do you think about tonight’s events?”62

I looked around for a second giving myself time to think. “You guys got a real funny way of welcoming a guy on his first day on the job. I just hope tomorrow isn’t as boring as today….63