Lacey sat by the window listening to the leaves flying through the air. Her mother called her downstairs for dinner, but she ignored the voice. Lacey's attention went back to the twilight sky. In the distance she saw a figure standing by a large oak tree in the nearby woods. Who could that possibly be? Lacey thought about it for a moment, when she couldn't think of who would be outside her home, she grabbed her coat and ran outside.
Lacey walked around her backyard trying to find the mysterious person who she had seen before. She turned her head to the left to find a tall, muscular man in a trench coat staring at her with eyes full of hate. Lacey couldn't move. There was something about him that made her stay in her place. The man held out his hand for Lacey to take. Without taking her eyes off of his, she placed her hand gently atop the pale offering. Lacey had blacked out and couldn't see anything.
When she awoke, Lacey was in a dark room where her eyes needed to adjust to see anything. The door opened and the man walked in. Vladimir, a voice came upon Lacey's thoughts.
"Hello my darling." Vladimir said with a grin. Lacey stood up and walked toward the window.
"Where am I?" Lacey asked not looking into his eyes.
"It doesn't matter. You're with me now." Vladimir strolled over and placed his hands on her shoulders. She turned her head and saw his mouth approaching her neck. Once again, she couldn't move from her position.
"You will always be mine." said Vladimir biting in to her neck.
A contest entry
- Best Vampire Story by CrystalTigress.
175 points, ended February 25, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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"Lacey sat by the window listening to the leaves flying through the air."
Such a visiual and emphatic beginning---capable of being the first line in a poem, a book or a movie.
"Lacey sat by the window listening to the leaves flying through the air. Her mother called her downstairs for dinner, but she ignored the voice. Lacey's attention went back to the twilight sky."
This whole leading paragraph is the strengh of this story
"Who could that possibly be? Lacey thought about it for a moment, when she couldn't think of who would be outside her home, she grabbed her coat and ran outside."
This sentence needs work. You are making a transition in thought here. Is there a way that you can be led by the leaves to the oak tree, and then to the figure of the man? Read this sentence over; you have two references to your thought. How about:
'Who could that possibly be?' She grabbed her coat and ran outside."
I do not like vampire stories, but I like stories. You have the begninnings of a very good one.
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thanks for entering the contest i will be rereading all entries before choosing finalists... sorry if it takes a while too.
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I thought it was good
My favorite part is all of it
haha. I enjoy vampire stories. Keep the good peices comming.
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Actually, I like this a lot and I would be interested in seeing you turn this into a larger piece. Meanwhile, there are some technical errors in this piece.
Lacey thought about it a moment. (insert period, start a new sentence.) When she couldn't. . . OR you can insert a semi-colon instead to combine two complete sentences; it's your choice.
Also, when Vladimir bites her, "into" is one word.
There's a few others that were so minor I didn't mention them. Consider revising this story once; I'm sure you be able to find and edit the rest.
Keep up the great writing.
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