His armuor black as midnight stars1
And cruel eyes the color of stone2
His cloak floating behind him like blood3
The dreaded King Shard wields his mighty blade4
Fighting for a cause evil as he himself5
The blood he spills of the innocent6
The blood that won him the crown of Orion7
Battle cries and death surround him8
King Shard fights on with an iron-grip will9
His men ruthless and battle-hardened10
A victory is at hand...11
Once leaders of a free world come crashing down12
And Shard has won himself another kingdom13
Proclaiming it all....and all is his14
Orion has fallen...15
Along with the great cities of Valanus and Rangoon
Author notes
I always like villains...they're so cool. Hope more people enter this your contest because it was a great idea!
Props go the fantasy king David Gemmell, I loved his bad-ass character King Shard in "The Sword in the Storm"
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I agree with what those before me have said: it's a very vivid desciption that uses the best of connotation to illustrate a rather ill-willed character. annamalover is right: it's simple. But that's not a bad thing. I think the simplicity of it is quite appealing; it doesn't stray from the description to stick in unnecessary words and doesn't dawdle.
This straight-forward style reminds me of Michael Moorcock and his series "The History of the Runestaff" - Have you read it? If you're intersted in fantasy, I suggest hunting it down. I love it.
Anyway- there are only two things I would suggest:
1- "King Shard fights on with an iron grip will
His men ruthless and battle hardened" I'd place a hyphen between 'iron' and 'grip and one between 'battle' and 'hardened'. It would read: 'King Shard fights on with an iron-grip will/His men ruthless and battle-hardened"
2- Write more! I want to hear more about this terrible character and his operations! "Orion has fallen.../Along with the great cities of Valanus and Rangoon" is a great opening sentence to lead into the disarry of Orion caused by Shard. I'd be interested in reading further about this character.
And yet still lovely and vivacious otherwise. As other people have, I much enjoyed the lines
"His armour black as midnight stars
And cruel eyes the color of stone"
'midnight stars' ... 'color of stone' ... brilliant.
Keep up the good work!
(+) Thank you very much for your comment on "The Coming of the Dogs That Weren't" - I'm glad you liked what I have and I've taken your suggestions into consideration. Thanks again.
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i dont know why everyone is freaking out, its pretty simple, but i spose its ok...lively..lol
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WoW! I love this. I have always liked good guys but I like the way you penned and described this bad guy. I like how it all played out in my head. Nicely penned.
Midnight Lace
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great description but don't you think the name is a little...er...I'm trying to think of the appropriate word, ah redundant thats it? dunno actually kinda grows on you to be fair. but anyway other than this its great!!
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cool. this is awsome. I love the phrase black as midnight stars. that's a really powerful image. i wish i'd thought of that line for one of my descriptions. He sounds very cruel, the phrase his cloak flows behind him like blood is awsomely descriptive, I could picture this character really clearely. Wonderful description of the way people think of this character too, he's clearely one hell of a tyraanic monster. Good luck in this contest im sure you'll do gr8, if u can right like this. This is a really powerful piece of writing and I think it’s totally awesome.
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wow
wow this guy sounds like an a$$hole...u did a great job creating him. I'm sure glad he's not real...jeez...I'll bet he can be pretty anal sometimes too...great villian!!!
May the rains bless you and the moon watch over you always...
~*Midnight Rain*~
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