Savage Butterflies1
He said his name was Daddy. 2
The name rumbled past the clouds of my perfectly conceptualized world, slipping abrasively through the sky like a crack of lightning. I'd never seen this person before; I didn't know how or why he'd shone up. Sprawled across the wild grass, I watched him as he'd appeared from the north, trekking up a hill in my view.
This stranger, friendly and unyielding, was rupturing the equilibrium of my created atmosphere. This was the first time I'd had a visitor, broad silhouette outlined against the backdrop of a now darkening blue sky, beckoning me for some unknown reason. The deep tone of his voice unnerved me as I hid for safety inside the hollow of an oak tree.
He called again, this time outstretching his hand. "It's Daddy, remember?"3
Could he be waiting for my response?
Trembling profusely, I cowered deeper into my cubbyhole made of bark and insects, bringing my knees to my face and wrapping my arms around them. Hesitantly, I answered back to the unknown figure before me, failing to conceal the quavering fear in my voice.
"And m-my name is..." I paused mid-sentence, struggling to recollect what my name was. I knew it started with a B--or was it a C...
I gave up, sighing inside my safe haven. I couldn't, for the life of me, tell him my name.4
"I f-forget," I admitted through clattering teeth.5
From inside the huge tree, I could see the unwanted visitor's towering form, and he was so big, it was as though his entire being was emblazoned across the heavens--My heaven--his expression shifting from friendliness, to uncertainty, to frustrated anger.6
"Go away, you're upsetting my friends!" 7
Yes, it was true. Somehow, he'd found his way into my garden, my Garden of Creatures and unwanted contraptions, and frightened them into a scurry amongst the thickets and forests of my world. My friends varied from a plastic frog with Barbie legs, a snow globe filled with dancing faeries, to a brown paper-bag that contained a sneeze, and everything else in-between. The huge, armless Greek-inspired statues of figures randomly planted in my garden ceased speaking, leaving me to fend for myself.8
I was the artist behind this, and I wasn't about to let some intruder who went by the name "Daddy" upset it. But before I could reiterate myself, the huge emotional man resigned, abruptly walking away into the evening fog of my creation.9
Just when I thought he was gone, when everything was safe again, he reemerged with a battered teddy bear missing one glassy eye. At the time, I didn't exactly know what this furry object was. I tensed when he politely angled it in my direction.
"Do you like?" he asked, a glint of kindness in his otherwise worried eyes.10
Not knowing what to say, I stared blankly at him, but not for long. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life, and it fit perfectly in my world.
"What is it?" I asked, curiosity getting the best of me, somewhat silencing my fear.11
"What is it!" He chuckled, seemingly endeared by my lack of knowledge. "Why, it's your favorite teddy bear. You've had it since you were two."12
Who was this stranger and how did he know so much about me, more than I knew? Come to think of it, who exactly was I ? The thought had never crossed my mind until now.13
He released the creature into my hesitating hands. Eventually, I gratefully clung onto it. Then, as if something else had caught his attention, he unwillingly averted his eyes from me to the sky before him. The blue heavens had been abruptly altered into the majestic firmament, as if some magical being was behind it.14
I smiled from within the tree hollow, pleased at the beauty of my creation. It was all my doing.15
"Hey," said the kind man. "I have to go now, but I promise you I'll be back tomorrow, alright?" He seemed so sincere and his smile was so pure that I had to take him up on the offer.16
"Okay," I whispered feebly. And as soon as he was gone, retracing his path down the hill, oddly enough, I instantly missed him. That night I fell asleep in the tree hollow, and my friends joined me.
A dream came to me, a very strange dream. Almost a nightmare. I was on a strange contraption with two wheels. My feet were rotating beneath me. I was having fun at first, then I came to a huge black sea.17
"What is your name, Sea?" I asked it. And the sea responded, "Asphalt. Want to cross me?"18
"Sure," I replied. And on my strange, moving contraption with two wheels, I crossed Asphalt, but then a humongous mechanical monster on four wheels appeared in my side view....I awoke with fresh tears running down my cheeks. I became frightened, and I didn't know why. I just had. 19
My pink bunny resting in the crook of my arm asked me what was wrong.
"I had a nightmare," I replied to my furry friend. I patted its soft coat and fell back to sleep. In the morning, when my sun had risen, my glittery butterfly friends woke me with a start.20
Stranger, they whispered into my ear, tickling me with their kiss. I shot up, seeing the same man from the previous day. I was slightly wary, but not at all as frightened as I'd been at first sight, and his bright smile made me giggle eventually.21
Stop it, hissed the feminine statues simultaneously in my garden.22
I didn't want to stop--couldn't stop. I already liked this person too much.
"Hello!" he jovially greeted me. I stood up, brushing the grass out of my hair, and took two steps forward. He stopped halfway.23
"Hello," I called back, too eager to contain myself.24
The inhabitants of my garden were urging me to banish this interloper, but I absently ignored them. Twisting through the maze of shrubs, trees with clinking gadgets hanging from their branches, and a whole family of stone figures, I met the man standing next to the clearing with a broad smile on my face. He appeared so tall, it felt like I was peering into the face of a giant in a fairytale.25
He bent down on his knees to get to eye level.26
"Isabella," he started. "I've been thinking, maybe it's time to come home now."27
"W-what?" Incomprehension flooded my entire expression. Then my eyes darkened from the anger of being confused.28
"Is that my name, Isabella?" I asked, searching his kind, bright eyes for knowledge.29
"Of course, it's your name, silly."30
"I'm not silly," I muttered, frowning.31
He laughed, a genuine smile spreading across his face. "Oh, I'm sorry. You're not silly. You're a very serious girl." And then, he reached in his back pocket for something.32
"Look what I have for you," he said, revealing a weird gadget with one set of eyes and arms on either side. The outer frame of this object was bright red.33
I stared at this thing, dumbfounded. "What is it?" 34
"You don't know what this is? It's shades...for when the sun's too bright," he added.35
Greedily, I snatched the thing called "Shades" from his hand, examining it closely.36
"I like looking at my sun," I stated rather defensively.
Regardless, I was eager to know how to work my "New Friend", the shades.37
"Here, it goes like this." The man helped me, situating the shades on my face over my eyes. Looking out of them, it distorted the view of my world. With a hasty gesture, I snatched the shades off my face, and flung it to the ground.38
"I don't like this gift, please go away." I folded my arms across me in a fit of rage. I gritted my teeth and narrowed my eyes, a scowl disrupting my child-like features.39
"Are you sure..." he asked, looking extremely hurt.40
"Yes, I'm very sure," I stated adamantly, stubborn.41
"Alright," he said with an exhausted sigh, rising to his full height. "I love you."42
I immediately cocked my head. What is, "I love you"? What did it mean? I know I'd felt the feeling before, had once known what the phrase stood for, but it wasn't coming to me. I'd....forgotten. Had I ever known?43
Reluctantly, the man turned away, and disappeared behind a hill. I'd watched him walk, regretting my demand. I so desperately wanted him to return, right here, right now.44
In the distance, I could hear the melodious clanking of a wind chime in my Garden of Creatures, while one of my friends in specific, my plastic green frog with the Barbie legs, sauntered over to me. I picked my beloved creation up, holding it in my small hands.45
You must never let that stranger back in our world, it commanded.
"But...I will miss him, though," I protested, tears forming in my eyes. I didn't like the feeling consuming me now. I couldn't explain my emotions, I just felt grey and weighted to the ground.46
Crossing my garden, I lay down in the grass, and all my creatures gravitated towards me. I wanted to take a light nap; I didn't want to think about the longing of a stranger.
Glaring, flashing lights. Lights everywhere, consuming everything.
Red and yellow swirls of ambiguity....bone-chilling screams.
I was inside something moving, strapped down to something I can't describe.47
There were sirens in this nightmare of mine, they were scaring me. People were huddled over-top me, examining me with caution. Their faces were a blur...disfigured faces...distorted faces...
I was hurt, obviously, by the four-wheeled mechanical monster...But, who were these people?48
Eventually, they began to come into view. There sat a disturbed woman with light hair beside me in this dream, a bag over her arm with a stuffed animal inside--A bear, with one missing eye!
The man beside her held the same expression, one of grief and anxiety. They were both staring at me oddly, as if they didn't want to let me out of their sight. There were other people hovering over me, as well. People dressed in uniform, working on me with strange devices.49
The contraption we were in moved at a rapid pace--speeding, it seemed like. In my dream, strapped down, I tried to keep focus of these two faces, but my vision and sense of things were growing disoriented by the second. And then, out of a haze of images, I made out the distinct object in the man's shirt pocket.
Red shades.
That revelation led me back to the man's face, and I could see that this was a very familiar man...someone I'd seen before....The visitor who called himself Daddy!50
A sharp, piercing scream shot through the elements of my universe. Opening my eyes with a start, I realized it as my own voice. Night had come, and now its darkness engulfed me.51
I had slept for so long.52
I started to cry inconsolably, pushing myself upright. My friend, the brown paper bag, sneezed in response to my actions. Standing to my feet, I abandoned my beloved garden, sprinting through the mouth of it's entrance. Running through the dark, I came once more to the clearing where the tall grass swayed in the moonlight.53
I stood there patiently, wallowing in a wave of sobs, waiting for his presence. In my dream, I somehow felt connected to those two figures staring intensely down at me, and I'd instantly recognized the face of the man who occupied it.54
I waited.55
Behind me, I could hear the call of my aggravated specimens, but they seemed entirely irrelevant. All I wanted, was to be where those slightly familiar faces were. Frankly, I wanted to leave my world behind and join theirs, though still reluctant to abandon my beloved ones.56
I waited almost an eternity for the stranger to reappear. Stranger wasn't the right term. More like...friend. As the salt-tears in my eyes fogged my vision, a small figure came into view. I studied the shape until it got more distinct. I realized it was the man again.57
This time, I smiled uncontrollably, my features lifting into a wholehearted being of its own. As my new friend approached me, his face was twisted in pain and mourning. It was like he was wearing a mask; the expression that befriended him not his own.58
Heading my way, I ran up to greet him across the landscape. He grabbed my shoulders and hugged me fiercely. I felt as if I would break.59
After a while, he pulled away, searching into my big, round eyes. We were mirroring images of each other. His face was covered in streaming tears, and so was mine.60
"It's time to come home now," he demanded, his chin trembling ferociously.61
I shook my head weakly. "This is my home. You can stay if you want?" I smiled at the prospect.62
"No!" he screamed in rage. This time, he managed to look both maniacal and hysterical. I jumped a little in my skin, perplexed at his persistence.63
"You've been away too long...it's time to come back to reality."64
I pulled away from him and searched his enraged yet pained eyes. As if to mimic the somber mood, the heavens opened up, sending a shower of rain across the valley of my universe. The rain and the dark made me more cautious of him. He seemed so much more charming during the day.65
Grabbing my hand, he yanked me slightly towards him. "I can't leave my friends behind!" I said, pulling away from his strong grip with all my might.66
By now, my creations had followed me to the clearing, I'd realized.
My angry friend promptly glanced my motley crew, then stared at me through narrowed eyes.67
"These things are figments of your imagination!"68
I began to cry again. "They're all I have," I whimpered.69
"I'm all you have!" he cried. "Don't you see? If you don't come with me, they'll pull the plug."70
Pull the plug.71
My friends, my garden, my world protested against his proposition. Not holding back, he reached down to pick up my snow globe filled with dancing faeries, and threw it against the bark of my Oak tree. It cracked into a million tiny fragments.72
I cried.73
He began to speak. "You are my world, my creation. Both your Mother's and I." He paused before saying, "Come back to us... We love you."74
Love....I'd never felt that with any of my specimens...the word was starting to register within me. It was a faint inkling of the feeling, but there nonetheless.75
"I brought something you might want to have--Some place you once belonged...and still do." He retrieved a tattered picture from his pocket and showed me it. I took the whole scene in.76
"What is this?" I asked, a faint memory beginning to dawn in the recesses of my dormant mind.77
"A photograph of your mother and I holding you at the park. You're wearing these big, red sunglasses and holding your favorite teddy bear. It was taken when you were five...almost two years ago..." His trembling, hoarse voice trailed off.78
I examined the thing called a "Photograph" intensely with my eyes. The glowing moon had aided me with some semblance of light. The memories overwhelmed me instantly. He didn't have to explain to me what a "Mother" was. Somehow, I already knew.79
"You've been asleep for so long, I don't want to lose you now--or ever, for that matter."80
I looked up from the photo at my friend called "Daddy". Somewhere internally, I felt connected to him. Grabbing his hand, I looked back at the universe I was about to abandon for good.
I waved goodbye to them and stared back up at...."Daddy," I whispered to myself. The word was not that foreign, after all.81
Don't leave us, Creator, howled my lost empire through the rain.82
My daddy picked me up and carried me across the field, and as he walked, my universe and all its inhabitants grew into an abstract, swirling maelstrom of false reality, fantasy diminishing. I held on to daddy tightly, as the moon, the sky, and the stars bled away into nothingness. It danced and spun all around us, my abandoned world, losing its depth and substance.83
It all vanished. Completely.84
I was falling back into reality.
I awoke to the harsh light of a stark, white room. My eyes fluttered open, adjusting to the cold, austere atmosphere. Is this the world I was meant to live in?85
I heard a series of exclamations at my awakening and the shuffling of feet towards me. Lying face up, I felt hands touch my face, lips pressed against my forehead, and the cries of the hopeful.86
"She's awake, my baby's finally awake!"87
"I knew she'd come to. After all these months, I knew it would happen!"88
Faces appeared above me. I was engulfed in more loving kisses and hugs. This time, I could distinctly see who was ahead of me. It was the man named Daddy and his face was of indescribable joy. The fair-haired woman, too, caught my attention. I remembered her from the photo and felt an inexplicable connection towards her. Even though I couldn't quite grasp her definite title, I knew she had to be "Mommy".89
My memories were scarce, but at least they were there.90
"Out of a coma, isn't that a miracle," stated Daddy towards a man in a long white uniform.91
"Yes, it sure is," replied the man, seemingly astounded. "After two whole years in a catatonic state...that's the pure definition of a miracle."92
My parents' smiling, crying faces were within an inch from my small face, rubbing my hair. "I've missed you so much, Isabella," cooed my Mommy, instinctively caressing my face.93
"I'm so glad you're finally present....I've been longing to see your bright eyes again," confessed Daddy.94
"You think she'll get her memory back soon," Mommy asked Daddy with hopeful eyes.95
He stalled for a moment before saying, "I have total faith in that...one of my prayers already came true." He smiled, and, as he smiled, I smiled. I was back where I belonged.96
97
98
Author notes
This is for the "C is for Creative" contest.
I decided to go for, C is for Cause and Effect.
I think, as you read this story, you'll see the cause and effect I'm trying to convey.
(Most touching movie: Atonement)
In a list
A contest entry
- Prompts by SweeneyTodd-girl.
150 points, ended February 19, 16 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - What I value most. by Adelaine.
200 points, ended September 3, 47 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Gimme gimme your best shot! (almost everything) by Atticus Unanimous.
600 points, ended March 19, 25 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - C is for Creative by tonialoise.
875 points, ended February 23, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Random Funk by Owen Aero.
450 points, ended May 1, 26 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Another contest!!!! by His.Golden.Eyes.
113 points, ended March 21, 26 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fantastic Fantasy by Night Terrors.
200 points, ended March 22, 23 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Emotions Collide by xXMidnightSkyXx.
110 points, ended June 10, 45 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - An Anything Goes Type of Contest by Fruitilicious.
106 points, ended April 7, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Impress me. by icyrose.
210 points, ended April 4, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Sorry.... by Carina.J.LR.
175 points, ended June 3, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Crying is Good for you by Dassy.
400 points, ended May 24, 31 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I want it all! (All Genres Accepted). by Rose Hathaway.
180 points, ended May 29, 19 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Best of the Best of the Best by Dragonaris.
140 points, ended May 31, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Love and Promises by Eddie.
600 points, ended August 8, 55 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Oscars 2009 - Best Story by The Oscars Team.
700 points, ended July 22, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Papa... I love you. by Ayesha Raees.
420 points, ended August 29, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make me go aw, or gasp, or cry by leolord5235.
100 points, ended August 23, 45 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Points of view or What if? by Melancholic Smile.
350 points, ended August 15, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Cry... by therenaissancegirl.
750 points, ended August 28, 44 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Element of surprise by rocker4life.
135 points, ended September 2, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Stories,Stories,Stories!!!! by hsmlover1.
170 points, ended September 1, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - My First Ever Contest (ENTER THIS IT ROCKS) by BlackTide.
125 points, ended September 14, 23 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - True Stories!Prewrites are allowed! by Sheilasbabygal4life.
250 points, ended September 17, 28 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Hit Me Your Best Shot by KrazywithaK.
300 points, ended October 15, 23 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Worlds - ENTER NOW! by EdanaM.
200 points, ended October 29, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything that you want to enter... by kissedbyan angel.
400 points, ended October 27, 51 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Everything & Anything by Lost Soul 12.
450 points, ended November 2, 29 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please give me your honest opinion.
Comments
1 - 71 of 71
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Hello! I'm helping StrawberryPrincess judge her 'Everything & Anything' contest so I'm leaving my commentary
I've read this before and have left my own comment before. Once again, I love this piece. The imagery is outstanding and the story is exquisite 
I wish I could leave you some more clappies
Oh well.. the little 'fake' ones will do for now 
Wonderful piece of work here once again. Thank you for entering this in the contest 
Pixie
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This wasn't exactly what I was looking for but it'll do. There's a bit too much of our world in it, even if it's a good story.
Good luck in my contest. -
wow amazing
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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wow, just wow! I love your story. It kept my attention the whole way through. ^_^
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Very Good
That was a wonderful and interesting story that held my attention the whole way through. I think you did a very good job, and have a shot at winning or an honorable mention. Very good job. Thank you for entering, and good luck!
~C.I.Z -
Wow. Really good. Thanks for entering and best of luck!
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since you made it as a inalist i read a random section (paragraph 13) and rated it a 10 (with 10 as highest
) good luck!
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OH NOOO
Scared you didn't I?
Don't worry about it! This is a great hook! I said "OH NOOO" because I almost kept reading. I'm judging hooks first, then working on the finalists. DEFINITELY a finalist here! I'll probably actually read the whole thing...
beginning: 5.
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omg this is such an amazing story. I love it good luck in the contest
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Make Me Cry (Contest Comment)
Notes:
"I didn't know how or why he'd shone up." -- shown
"My friends varied from a plastic frog with Barbie legs, a snow globe filled with dancing faeries, to a brown paper-bag that contained a sneeze, and everything else in-between." -- something's off. I think maybe if you take out the comma after "legs" and replace it with "and" it would sound better.
A beautiful story, with great detail and creativity. The emotion was incredibly prevalent throughout, and it was easy to connect with all of the characters. One of the better pieces I've read so far; great job, and the best of luck in my contest!
Renaissance
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Wow, with a capital W. This is one good story. It had me confused a little at first not quite knowing what was going on but the more I read, the more it began to make sense. I loved the descriptions of her garden, her imagination, the way nothing was really making sense to her. I loved the way it had grown to be so much of a part of her that she didn't want to leave it behind and the harsh contrast of the fantasy world to the real world. This is written very well indeed and kept me intrigued from beginning to end. It's quite different from anything else I have read on here before and very very moving. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck
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most beautiful story of this contest , i enjoyed it with tears in my eyes. every word having loads of emotional value and making story more powrful . well done . good luck .
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I started crying, great job
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This was a very good read. Very descriptive, emotional and fantasic! Such a nice read and I sincerely thank you for entering.
However... You did not read the rules and this exceeds the word limit. I apologize. :\ -
This was an exceptional story with a lovely ending. It was so emotional and effective on so many levels, it really drew me in. It was skilfully written, well done. Thank you for entering my contest.
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wow
this was really beautiful. i loved it!
though now i am curious how she got into a coma in the first place.
though this story made me think of all the things that can happen to a person. What is a person when he is in a coma? what is he seeing? is he in a blur of memories and dreams? or just common darkness where he does not know the time...?? Is it like sleeping by forever?
Wow... so many questions!
awesome story. stories that make me think that rare to find. Good job!
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I thought this was an exquisite piece! Brilliant!
Judge
Literary Oscars
Asfand
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Oh, beautiful. Well-written, sweet, beautiful and lovely.
It's an incredile piece and I can see how the trophies were won.
Great job! -
Aaaw, beautiful! I love it Well written
Finalist
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This story/poem is hereby officially accepted as a nomination for the SW Oscars. Congratulations on your nomination! You will be notified [via IM] to submit this story in its specific category when the contest opens. Congratulations, once again! Keep up the excellent work!
Admin
SW Oscars -
Different
Different from all of the other stories in my contest. Congrats.
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This is good, but maybe not exactly what i wanted. But thanks for entering anyway, and I like the idea.
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well the contests really p me off but i geuss thats my own fault i didn't say anything about no contests but wow sooo many. plus daddy? i dont know about you but i found this story a lot more interesting than any of the ones so far
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Incredible
Wow! Honestly, truly, I loved it! Description was vivid. I was rather confused until he said pull the plug, then I got the impression that she was in a coma. I thought we were in her imagination, which i guess we were. All in all, simply incredible!
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Wow, I can see why you have won so many trophies. Your vocab is shocking and your sentence structure and style is flawless. You have great potential as a published author. Nice work.
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This was amazing and beautiful but for my contest 'I want it all (an genres accepted)' Could you confirm that you are on the friends list. Your story was filled with rich texture and emotion.
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That is a truly amazingly wonderful story. It was rich in depth and everything about it from description to your choice of words of wise. You're a finalist! Good luck!
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OH my gosh. that was an amazing story. it wasn't exactly sad. persay... but it was excellently writte, and you'retotally on the finalists list for that work of art!
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that was so cute! great job! good luck
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Aww.. that was cute
-Carina -
I enjoyed this, but find it particularly hard to think of this as a world of delicate and magical abilities. But, then again, it could be magical in your eyes, and I can see traces of it ^^
Eva.
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Great story. I could not stop reading it. I also loved the ending
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I've read this, so I can't comment much. Sorry! I'd just like to say, it was a good story, though it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. The world was more kind of psychedelic...whatever, my vocab's very limited.
This was just me being honest, sorry if it was a crappy critique... -
nice!!
best story i ever heard. it reminds me a lot of my father.beginning: 5, ending: 5.
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Okay, I liked it a lot, though it was a bit long. It was good, long, but good.
GOOD LUCK!
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Oh my god, I'm simply at a loss of words.
This hooked me, from beginning to end. I will admit, the title is really what caught my attention (I have a certain obsession with butterflies, you see. x]). And I also don't deny that I was reluctant to read it after I saw the word count (I also have a terribly short attention span and lose interest quickly.) But this just HAD me hooked. It puzzled me in the beginning; I didn’t understand what was actually happening. But I was eager to find out, and made little guesses along the way (and I do love stories that make you do that ) and at the end, I was crying. This was extremely creative, and a very interesting way to portray being in a coma. Your writing is gorgeous, flows wonderfully, and your vocabulary’s impressive. This is truly remarkable. Thank you for sharing this, and keep up the excellent work!
-Alix
P.S. - P56, first line, 'here' should be 'hear’. That’s the only error I caught. (:
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This is indeed the most touching story I've read. I loved the fact that you made her creations come alive and urge her not to follow the man. I loved how you used that comma dream to explain why she woke. I just LOVED it.
It's truly a piece of beautiful literature. I would have loved to see it winning GOLD in ALL CONTESTS.
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This was a really imaginative take on the perspective of a coma, and I really enjoyed reading it. Your descriptions were engaging, and kept me hooked.
Overall, I really liked this story, well done! and good luck in the contest
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Astounding story. I've never seen it told from this angle, and it was a totally original, mind-blowing perspective of coma. At first, everything seemed surreal, and I had no idea what it was about, but the ending tied everything perfectly together. I loved the fact that the two different parts of her mind, the memories and the safe haven were trying to pull her each to their own side, showing a much deeper philosophical concept than the more superficial meaning.
Absolutely loved it.
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Oh my-I just absolutly LOVED this! Keep it up! Thanks for entering.
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this is a really good and sad story.. but i really liked how it ended. i wrote something kind of similar to this, only this girl goes crazy and has a little garden with friends that wont let her go back to reality... this was good. keep up the good work!
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I loved this story! It's the best of best. The absolute. Your an amazing writer. I'm looking forward to reading more of your creations.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Congrades on winning you did an excellent job. Your story really stood out above the rest. I really loved this. Thanks again for entering.
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Wow! That was supper cool! I loved this so much! Your story was one of the most creative things I have ever read! The only thing I would change is I wish this was I full length book. I sure would buy it! You have some great characters here bravo my friend!!! Congrades your a finalist!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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creatiuve ith lots of imagination going into it...
i loved the conceptual twist to the story...
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Ive read this before, but still like it!
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At the start of the story I was unsure what exactly to think of this world.. The imaginary world that you created was amazing and you made me believe that this was the world you have created!! Then the whole Daddy thing was an interesting way to go!! This is an amazing story..
You may not be a writer but you are a fantastic storyteller!!
Thank you so much for entering my contest!!
~Souls
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very charming
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Drawn to this by the title - reminding me of the 'savage butterflies' of Joni Mitchell's 'Woodstock' lyrics:
"And I dreamed I saw the bombers
Riding shotgun in the sky
And they were turning into butterflies..."
I found this very engaging and you have a strong command of dialogue. Sometimes we can become a little lazy with the use of that little word 'was' and alternatives are not always too far away - for eg. 'I was eager...' - became?
'was peering' could become - now peered?
'was starting' - began?
'so big, it was as though - lose 'it was'?
and so on - with a little work this could so much tighter.
A very enjoyable read - keep story-telling!
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I really enjoyed this story. In the beginning I was trying to figure out her fantasy from reality. The more I read, the more I tried to figure out. At first I thought she was riding in an ambulance coming in and out of consciousness, (close but no cigar!) then near the end I realized she was in a coma. You caught and held my interest through out the story. You are definately more than a storyteller . You have definately succeeded in showing cause and effect. The only critique I could offer was a bit of grammer and housekeeping, which I see has already been mentioned. Keep up the great writing!
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Fantastic
This was absolutely fantasmagoric! Look, I can't even use real words. The innocence, the imagination, and the originality of this piece all came together to make a truly wonderful bit of writing. Beautiful imagery throughout. I really loved it. Thanks for entering the contest. I really enjoyed reading this one.
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That's so cute!
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This is so beautiful. Oh, my god... I loved this. It made me .. cry...!
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Beautiful
I absolutely loved this story. How everything connected together throughout the whole thing was great. The ending just makes us believe that miracles exist and hope is out there. You set the emotions very well like I could feel the girl's confusion and how the dad really wanted her to come back. Well done, it was a great story. -
Awwwww
OMG, it's is amazing!! I love it!!! It is so sweet!! I love it all. Her imaginary world...the coma...coming back...it is one of the most amazing stroies I have ever had the pleasure of reading. U r the best storyteller I have ever heard. Thanx so much 4 the EXCELLENT read.
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This was an interesting, refreshing take on the serious situation of a coma. You illustrated just how much hope and prayer can accomplish, as well as patience and the endurance to get through such a difficult time. Although the title does not fit very well, I loved the rest of the story. There were a few grammatical errors here and there, typos really (who doesn't have them?), nothing to complain about. Not one adjective was out of place. The plot moved along fast enough to keep the reader's attention and not bore them.
Good job!
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You should probably separate some of your paragraphs...Some of them are 'stuck' to each other.
The plot went along great and such.... -
good write- loved the story in this. great imagery and detailed descriptions. You caught my attention from the first line and held it through to the end. Great work.
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Deep
Didn't exactly have things with wings in it, but I guess the fairies count. A beautiful story with an enchanting plot. I honestly didn't see the end coming. Best of luck!
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For "just a storyteller" you're not a bad writer at all. There were some minor problems but they weren't very distracting.
I've marked a few things I noticed but again, nothing was major.
"What is it!" He chuckled, --should still have a question mark I think, maybe after the exclamation
who exactly was I ? -- remove the space between I and ?
"Okay," I whispered feebly. --the stuff in this paragraph looks like it was meant to be broken into different paragraphs but wasn't. (there's a few more like this, it's not bad since they're not huge paragraphs)
My pink bunny resting -- Daddy said it was a teddy bear, or is this a different animal?
stubborn as a mule -- it's a bit of a cliche.
You seem a bit inconsistent with her dreams and italicizing them. You might also consider using a scene separation like *** to set them off and keep your reader from being too confused.
inconsolably -- this word seems out of place for a small child, she'd been using mostly easier words. Of course it seems she's starting to use bigger words now.
You can stay if you want?--this is a statement not a question.
glanced my motley crew, -- I think you're missing "at" after glanced
While your descriptions are not overly detailed I think that it is the way a child might think about things and so here isn't really a bad thing. It was moving and very imaginative (love the bag sneezing) You conveyed her thoughts and feelings well. The pacing was nicely done too.
Good job!
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That was a great story.
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That was the best story I've read so far on this website and one of the best I've ever read in general. Quite frankly, this could be published - It's amazing. I can't even describe how good this story is. Can I pump it out and give it to my AP teacher to read? He would love this so much.
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That was an awesome story. I loved it!
It was really really really great!!!
You made her world feel so real even to the reader. It was really good. I didn't even know it wasn't a real world until half way through. Haha.
And don't tell us you're not a writer! Not only was that a great story, it was written very well too!
Great job, keep writing!!!
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This was amazing. Excellent job here. I loved what you did with the characters and the--dream I guess you'd call it. Absolutely wonderful.
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Thank you for entering. The early impression the story gave was that of a girl with a mental disease. It was a bit strange what she dreamt in her catatonic state. The father is not really that much of a tragic hero to me though.
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like i have said before READ THE RULES!!!!!!!!!!!! DONT GO OVER THE WORD LIMIT! jeez
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I loved it! Sorry, I'm not a very good comment writer, but this is definitely a finalist.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Overall opinion: you have a nice story here, it's mainly just the presentation that needs work. I definitely saw the Cause and Effect theme, but the dialogue and your diction in general seemed like it could use some tweaking. If you're looking for specific advice, it's a bit hard to describe without doing a line-by-line critique, but I'll say in general that you might want to go through each sentence again and think about the picture and/or emotion you want the reader to experience in that line. Do all the words contribute to this experience? Is there a "weak link" in the chain, a word that could be taken out or replaced by something else? Is there a sentence that seems slightly unnecessary? Most of all, always watch your step when rewording things to make sure that you don't start leaning into melodrama or exaggeration (I know this is hard to do, I'm not exactly good at it myself).
I'm not by any means a superior writer, so take all this advice with a generous helping of salt, but just thought I'd put my two cents out there. Best advice I can probably offer is just keep writing =) you get to know your strengths and weaknesses better the more you write, and, well, as they say, practice makes perfect. All in all, you have a nice story here, and I'd like to see more from you.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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that was well written, captivating. I liked the way you kept the surprise up until the very end. Great job. I found a few errors, mostly left out grammer, but I cant seem to find them now.
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very long with Fancy words. And sorry but nice talking isn't going to win you this contest. Capture me Man! Let me feel it. I don't feel this. Thanks for entering! Try again I'm sure you can spark my interest.
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This was an amazing story. I loved the Cause and Effect aspect of it. I especially liked how the little girl's thoughts were like a dream state as she fought to come out of her coma and yet she was aware of the things around her. This story is beautifully cast. Keep up the good work.
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