The End of the World "Get Together"

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The End of the World "Get Together"2

“This is WEN News with constant updates of the End of the World… the space debris still hurdling toward the earth on a crash collision… ETA 2 hours 47 minutes before impact…” 3

The monotone voice on the radio sounded strangely formal, as if the gravity of the situation didn’t touch him. If the people in that room could see the man, with a bottle of whiskey firmly within his grasp; perhaps they might feel some of the fright he spent the past five hours drinking away. As it was, the people at the party had been drinking much longer, since the news first hit the previous evening. The revelry couldn’t be stopped. Imminent death prompted all types of people to act in all types of ways. These people chose to party until the bitter end.4

Heather stumbled into the room in a state of disheveled that stank of sex. She knew how to treat the end of the world, just like she did any other day. She shut the radio off, barely able to hold herself up on her feet. She giggled aloud and caught the eye of her friend; the only person currently in the room.5

“Blah, blah, blah…. It’s the end of the world… and I feel fine….”6

“Must you destroy the last bit of purity left in this world? REM is eternal.” Josie scoffed at her drunken friend. She hadn’t intended on taking the role of pious bitch during the party, but things hadn’t gone the way she wanted so far and she started to get angry because of it.7

“It’s symbolic.” Heather responded with irritation. She refused to let anyone ruin her party or her life, whose end, according to the radio, was rapidly approaching.8

“There is some symbolism that is so obvious you don’t have to point it out.” Josie went ahead and mirrored her friend’s sarcastic response. Heather was the exact reason she felt the way she did. Though far too much of a chicken shit to say it to her face; she did have the weapon of sarcasm to arm herself with.9

Lynn entered the room. She stumbled in and promptly fell over the seat cushion that had somehow ended up on the floor. Lynn dropped so fast she didn’t have time to react, though in her present state she would have needed a lot of time to do so. She spit laughter out through her nose and her entire face turned red with the effort of it. Josie and Heather laughed right along with her. Lynn had a remarkable ability to bring the two ladies back together, even when she didn’t know she was doing it.10

“Oh my god, you guys, it’s the end of the world.” She managed to get out after she regained her composure. Her friends helped peel her off the floor. They steadied her as best they could.11

“And I feel fine.” Heather smiled and clinked the two cocktails she held in each hand together. There was no use taking it easy with the booze since there wouldn’t be any hangover to worry about tomorrow.12

“She is so right.” Lynn fell into Josie with the effort of her words. At the same time she blew a Cosmopolitan sweetened breath in her friend’s face.13

“She is so stupid….” Josie responded in a whisper just loud enough for Lynn to hear. It turned out her soft voice carried.14

“You’re just jealous.” If Heather had a free hand, she would have put one on a hip so that her supposed friend understood how irritating her presence was at that point. Josie let go of Lynn and put her glass down on the table.15

“Whoa, hello! Coasters… let’s keep it clean!!” Despite it being the end of the world, Heather didn’t see the need to shirk off cleaning responsibilities. She knew for a fact that her Mother was on her hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor right then. She’d never allow a comet to destroy a dirty house.16

Josie gave her a wicked look, but did take a coaster and put it under her glass.17

“Your right girls, we should talk about our feelings.” Lynn, a natural blonde, wasn’t known for her intelligence. “After all, we’re never going to see each other again. Oh my god, it feels like the end of summer camp or something.”18

She came in for a group hug and missed her step again. She toppled over like some kind of rag doll and started giggling.19

“Oops.” She raised an arm up. “Little help?”20

A noise from behind the girls alerted them to the presence of another. Billy, an almost dashing young man with a bit too much back hair entered the room. When Heather and Josie saw him, they forgot all about helping Lynn and dropped her back down. A loud thump sounded when Lynn crumpled to the floor. Simultaneously Heather and Josie struck alluring poses.21

“Hi, Billy.” Heather and Josie said in unison.22

“So, ah… which one of you lucky ladies wants to ride the hound?”23

“Oh, that’s classy.” Lynn’s voice sounded from the ground.24

“I…” Josie began with an intense amount of excitement.25

“I love dogs.” Heather stated without missing a step. She jumped to Billy’s side and the two disappeared out the door before Josie could protest.26

“That whore!” Josie shouted so loud the music in the other room stopped for a minute. A second of silence followed as the people from the other room waited to hear some sort of fight. When no other noise sounded, they resumed the music and their loud revelry continued. Lynn’s arm reached in front of Josie again. She helped her up reluctantly.27

“Listen, we’re all here to indulge ourselves in whatever way we see fit; last day and all.” Lynn wiped the excess dirt off herself and found a Cheeto on her sleeve. She popped it into her mouth with satisfaction. 28

“I know, but she’s not giving anyone else a chance! I brought an economy-sized pack of Trojans and I haven’t used one yet. I’ve been here for 3 hours; she’s ruining everything, just like she always does.” Her face reddened from the effort as the tantrum she tried to hold off took hold. She shook her head, pounded her feet and clutched her hands into tiny balled fists.29

“That’s good; let it out.” Lynn consoled. “Hey, hand me some Cheetos, will ya?”30

“Doesn’t it bother you? She’s been stealing men from us both for years.”31

“Honestly I could care less.” Cheetos flew out of her mouth with the annunciation of each consonant. “I just want to get boozed up and gain twenty pounds.”32

Lynn let out a gasp.33

“What? It’s Heather right?” Josie eyed the doorway, looking for the source of Lynn’s reaction.34

“Oh my god, is that a honey glazed pork chop?” Lynn’s complete attention found the food table.35

Not to be deterred, Josie continued with her Heather bashing.36

“You can’t tell me that it didn’t hurt when you found her and your ex, Johnny, in the back of your Volvo.”37

“Johnny and I were driving each other crazy; it was her way of symbolically showing me that by doing it in the car. She’s a freak for the symbolism.” Lynn’s voice sounded sticky. She spent a great deal of time licking her fingers and chomping, but somehow made her self understood. The last thing she wanted to do was put down that pork chop to make her point.38

“I’m just so angry.” 39

Lynn got the most angelic look in her eye when she came up with the solution for her friend.40

“Why don’t you relax and have a cup of mashed potatoes? Everything looks brighter after a cup of mashed potatoes.”41

“Damn girls, I throw a hell of a party.” Heather’s silent reentry surprised both ladies. She glided in with a sick little smile on her face. She wandered over to the two girls and the table laden down with scrumptious goodies. She swiped her finger along the frosting of her “End of the World” celebratory cake and sucked it dry. 42

Josie stared at her with irritation, forgetting about the healing powers of mashed potatoes entirely. Before she had a chance to lash out at her sexually over-stimulated friend, another pseudo-fine looking specimen entered the room.43

“Yo.” 44

“Hi, Chuck.” All three ladies said. Josie perked up immediately, Heather spoke with her vagina and Lynn’s voice barely carried since her mouth was so filled with mashed potatoes.45

“I’m looking for a piece of ass.” A man of little words, he didn’t bother mincing them just then either.46

“I…” Confidence exuded in every syllable of that word for Josie.47

“And you found it!” Heather interrupted. 48

She interlaced arms with Chuck. Before exiting the room with her latest conquest, she looked back and said:49

“Josie, would you mind swiffing the floor while I’m gone?”50

“You’d think she would be tired by now.” Josie’s voice sounded defeated. She grabbed the Swiffer and went to work without complaint.51

“Nice Swiffin’.” Heather felt a compliment in order. “You better talk to her… if you don’t talk to her now, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life… two hours can seem an eternity.”52

“So can two minutes.” Josie said when she saw Heather reenter.53

“Hell of a party, hell of a party.” 54

“Your shirt’s on backward.” Josie put the Swiffer away.55

“Ladies.” Stan came into the room wearing entirely too much bling. I guess he thought it might be a good way to go out, covered in cheap jewelry and smelling like a Boss commercial. It smelled terrible but Josie still wanted some.56

“Hi Stan.” Josie practically shouted in his face.57

“So, I feel like bashing a beaver… any takers?”58

“Gross.” Lynn stated. It might have actually meant something if the food she spent the last five minutes shoveling into her mouth hadn’t come spilling out just then.59

“Sure.” Heather readied herself to leave.60

“NO!” Josie screamed at the top of her lungs. “It’s my turn. I’m taking him.”61

Heather laughed at Josie inciting another tantrum. 62

“Josie, you were there when we made the first word rule; I clearly said the first word. So, he’s mine.”63

“But I said the first word the last seven times.”64

“Clearly you didn’t, or else you would be the one walking funny right now.” 65

“Look! Look at this!” Josie went from zero to hysterical in no time flat. She started throwing condoms at her. She’d carefully disconnected every single one from the packaging. She’d come prepared and been brutally rebuffed. 66

“Um, why exactly are you throwing condoms at me right now?” Heather laughed at her.67

“Because each and every one of these should be trash right now; they should be lying on the ground all gooey and gross.”68

“I’m eating.” Lynn gave them both a wretched look as she tried to swallow her Oreo’s.69

“Should I go somewhere else?” Stan asked, confused.70

“My party. My rules.” Heather smiled. “We fight.”71

“Thunder Dome.” Lynn’s voice sounded deep from the massive amount of food in her throat, but that did little to deter the bellowing sound that beckoned people from all over the house. The room filled instantly with people all chanting.72

“Two coochies enter, one coochie leave. Two coochies enter, one coochie leave. Two coochies enter, one coochie leave. Two coochies enter, one coochie leave.”73

The room started spinning for the two combatants. Both Josie and Heather ceased being delicate ladies and turned into brutal fighters. Lynn skipped over to the side of the room where a single rope hung down from the ceiling. She pulled it with all her might and a distant beep sounded. The entire crowded looked up to see the cage begin its slow descent. Rounded and sparkling from Heather’s incessant cleaning habit, the cage covered the two girls with a solid thud. The crowd freaked out. They screamed and clawed at the metal as they climbed as high as possible upon it. Heather and Josie circled each other with viciousness, spitting at each other and growling. Their constant movement egged the crowd on and their howls pierced the night like a den of hungry wolverines. 74

“On my mark, begin.” Lynn took on the role of moderator. She allowed for a nice dramatic pause. She saw the excitement light up the faces of every single person as they clung precariously from their chosen spots. She couldn’t think of a better way to get to the end of the world than a brutal battle.75

“And… Arm Wrestle.” She threw her arm down in a karate chop and the two women attacked each other. They roared aloud, dove across the small distance of the cage and landed with powerful arms onto the tiny table in the middle of the enclosure. The struggle overtook them both and they stared each other down with steady eyes. The cheers of the crowd fueled them. 76

Two and a half hours later, the two ladies continued on with the struggle. The crowd became more interested in getting drunk and abandoned them. Only Stan remained snoring in the corner of the room. Heather and Josie grunted at each other while still locked in single combat, neither willing to admit defeat.77

“…space debris still hurdling toward earth on a crash collision… ETA 6 minutes…” The soothing radio voice interrupted the fighting vixens from their primordial grunting.78

“Would you shut that off, I can’t concentrate.” Josie shouted over her shoulder.79

“But, I’m getting bored. There’s no more food.” Lynn whined. Her stomach burst out from her pants but still she wanted to stick another Twinkie down her gullet.80

Josie took a deep, audible breath and let loose a scream that shook her to her bones. She tightened her grip around Heather’s hand and pulled with all her might. She took her down and won the match.81

“Yes!!!” She shrieked like a child excited over an ice cream cone. “In your face!!!”82

“All right, you win. Take him.” Heather rubbed her sore shoulder and watched Josie practically grab Stan by the hair and drag him out like a caveman. 83

“Don’t forget these.” Heather grabbed one of the condoms off the ground and tossed it to Josie. She winked at her.84

“Thanks Heather.” Josie said and she meant it. She winked right back on her way out.85

“Heather, you could have won. You threw the match.” Lynn picked up a bowl and rubbed her finger along the inside ceramic. She licked her finger afterward, than frowned with disappointment.86

“That match lasted just long enough to sober me up and remind me of a phrase that my Great Nana Dixie used to say: ‘if the rubber chicken don’t bounce when you first bonk it, it’s not worth the oil in its haunches.’” 87

“I don’t get it.”88

“It’s symbolic for Stan’s penis size” Heather used her finger to denote something of teeny tiny stature. “So, I figured I would just let that one go.”89

“You’re a saint.” 90

“I know. Gosh, friends are all that matters in the end. Granted, the VERY end.” 91

Heather gave Lynn a big bear hug. The two laughed together as the radio announcer started to count down from 30. 92

“Hey, do you think Taco Bell is still open?” Lynn mused.93