Lygophobia

On any other day, at any other time Lani created a strikingly beautiful sight with her long, black hair and bright, green eyes. Today she didn't even look average, just pathetic. Hot tears streamed from her eyes and a cold sweat was pouring over her pallid skin. She winced as the sweat and tears mixed, confusing her poor body. "What's happening to me?" She barley got the words out before the tears knotted in her throat. There was no use in trying to stop crying. It didn't matter what she told her body; it had a mind of it's own, it would do what it wanted. 1

Lani lay on the cold ground, shivering in her blue-jean shorts and oversized sweatshirt. She tugged her sweatshirt over her dirt-smugged legs in an attempt to block the chilling air from the ending day. A sudden loneliness ached through her; she let out another painful sob. 2

Never had Lani felt more alone than now; she was isolated, trapped in a dangerous struggle within herself. Images of her lonliness contiuned to toss in her mind, grabbing at other fears until they had all combined into one, terrifiying, dark monster. Lani grabbed her hair in an attempt to pull the image from her mind. She wailed once more, this time in pain, and began to beat the ground.3

As the light faded away with the coming darkness, Lani felt her hope ebb away as well. She jumped up and ran towards it. Hope was all she had left and the sun was carrying it awy. Lani begged the light to take her with it. She continued to run after the fast retreat sun, never seeing the cliff's edge in front of her.

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  • McFairy
    March 17, 2007

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    I found this very easy to read, which for me at the moment is problem because I have the attention span of a gold fish, the ending is a perfect end and the first paragraph was great in describing Lani, I just feel that in the second and third paragraph the events should have been relived as to what brought Lani to this tragic end, it definitely needs more length, other than that your writing is descriptive in the moment and the vocabulary used is great, not to simple and not over the top that I find a lot of people try to do.

    ***Strangeangel***

    beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 2, ending: 5, characters: 4.