Confessions From a Moleskine- I could...

I could scream right now. I could scream at the top of my lungs and pick up objects just to throw them around and watch them break into pieces. Pieces just like my heart is right now.1

I seem to make these small mistakes. The make up I am not sure, little choices, situations that all tie together to result in my heartache, my depression.2

I push away the ones I love. I am burned by the ones I love. I am abused by the ones I love and mistreated no matter how I act. It does not matter if I am polite or anal, kind or disrespectful I am still treated the same, like a doormat for people to wipe their shit all over me. 3

I admit there are some people who have nothing but respect, love and admiration for me. They are the ones who know everything about my life. They are the ones who stick by me through every mistake I make, through thick and thin (so to speak) because they know I deserve better.4

I wonder though why it is I am still in love? I mean I am in love with a wonderful woman, she means the world to me. She always will there is nothing I would not do for her. To me she is my precious girl. I would kill for her. Yet I am still in love with my ex. I am still in love with the man who is tearing my world apart physically. Mentally and emotionally.5

I will not lie. I am an adult and I make every decision I make. I am responsible for my actions and behavior. I have never been forced into doing anything I have no wanted to do, only by my own mind and my unwillingness to say no, because somewhere in the depths of me I still have a place for him that won't disappear.6

I cry, I bitch, I hate. I smile, I laugh, I pretend and act like nothing is wrong while inside I am churning my feelings over and over trying to find the feeling that has me so trapped in him. In his presence.7

Is it because I desire him? Is it because he is the only man who can make me feel remotely aroused when it comes to personal situations? Is it because I cant sleep without him because every night without him is filled with nightmares and a sleepless night? Is it because he was my first and I won't ever let that fucking bastard go. 8

I am sick of repeating myself and making the same mistakes over and over. I need him, I want him and he is poison to me. He is a deadly toxin that will dwell in my body until I am healthy enough to let him go.9

I can only hope the people I love will realize I am not trying to push them away, because I love them more than I love myself and that is a scary thing because the only way one can survive this life is the love themselves.10

I am a selfless lover. I am a selfish lover. I am willing. I am ready. I can learn to let go.