Winner Takes All

Jan and Michael Thomas were running around the house in a panic, trying to shove everything out of sight, The house was a mess and Mike had just got a call from his old army buddy. Tony was in town and wanted to stop by for a visit. He hadn't seen him for ten years and they had been best friends when they served together in Iraq1

“You're going to love him,” Mike told his wife as he quickly grabbed the trash bag and started out the back door. With everything shoved out of sight, Jan was running the vacuum sweeper and dusting what needed it with the rag in her hand. She wished she had had a little more warning. Mike had talked about Tony for years and she knew he was excited. She would have liked to have everything just right when he arrived. As soon as she finished the vacuuming, she went to see what she could get done in the guest bedroom. It was usually closed off, so it didn't look bad. She quickly dusted what she could and went to take a quick shower and get dressed. 2

They would visit awhile and then take Tony out to eat. She was in the shower when she heard the doorbell ring, and Mike's booming voice welcoming his friend.3

Jan quickly slipped into her nicest dress, put on her makeup, brushed her long auburn hair, and started towards the stairs. She and Mike had been married for six years and he had talked about Tony like he was a God ever since she had known him. He must really be something special.4

Jan walked down the stairs and saw Mike talking to the most handsome man she had ever seen. He was tall, about three inches taller than Mike. He had beautiful black hair and the sexiest mouth and blue eyes. Before Mike could introduce him, Tony rushed up, picked Jan up as if she was weightless and swung her around.5

"So this is the gorgeous Jan. You're holding out on me buddy, you said she was beautiful, but you didn't tell me she was a goddess." He planted a big kiss on her cheek, winked at her and sat her back on her feet. Jan was disturbed by the quick fluttering of her heart.6

Jan quickly walked over to her husband and tried to recover her composure as she welcomed Tony into their lives. She was surprised by how Michael acted around him. He suddenly acted like a young boy with a bad case of hero worship. Suddenly, she felt as if a black cloud had just settled over their lives.7

“Honey, bring us a beer,” he said, as he led Tony to his favorite chair and started gushing about how wonderful it was to see him again. When Jan returned with three beers, they were deep into rehashing their days spent in Iraq' She took her beer and sat down on the couch and studied the two men. Mike was handsome, kind and faithful. They had a good life. They owned a nice home in the suburbs, Mike had a wonderful job as a bank manager. He was thirty six years old and was moving up. Everyone loved Mike. He was such a great guy. 8

She sat there watching the two of them and could tell that Tony had a way of out shining anyone he was around without even trying. He was nicely dressed in charcoal grey dress pants and a light blue knit shirt. Jan could see that he would be the center of attention where ever he went and how ever he was dressed. Somehow, his presense was larger than life.9

Mike and Tony talked for almost two hours, when Mike got up and said, “Let's go get something to eat. We have the best Italian restaurant you'll ever find anywhere."10

“Can I take a quick shower first? I've been driving for two days and I need to freshen up.”11

“Of course, our house is yours as long as you want." Tony went out to get his suitcase and Mike said to Jan, “Well, what do you think of him?" with a big smile stretching from ear to ear. Jan hesitated, not wanting him to know how uneasy she felt.12

“He seems like a really great guy,” she answered. “I'm glad you are getting a chance to visit again.” 13

“Yeah, he was a hero to everyone in our battalion. If you were in trouble, you could always count on him.” 14

Fifteen minutes later, Tony came down the stairs ready to go, “Let's take my car, he insisted. They went out and he showed them his beautiful new Lexus. “You must be doing okay,” Mike commented. 15

“I'm doing okay.”16

They drove to the restaurant and went in. Tony had the type of outgoing personality that got him personal attention everywhere he went. They were immediately shown to a nice table and brought menus and water. They ordered and sat and enjoyed catching up on the past. Tony was telling stories about their adventures in Irag and Mike was glued on every word. 17

At the end of the meal, Tony grabbed the check and insisted it was on him. When they started to pay, Tony went through all his pockets. He was so embarrassed when he couldn't find his wallet.18

“I'll run out and get it,” he insisted.19

“Don't be crazy,” insisted Mike as he reached for his wallet and took out his credit card. "You're our guest."20

Tony apologized all the way to the car.21

“You can get it next time if it'll make you feel better.” Mike said. 22

When they got to the car, Tony said, “Let the pretty lady set up front with me.” He opened the passenger door for Jan. She was uncomfortable, but she didn't say anything. When they got home, Jan excused herself, and said she was going to bed early so they could talk. They both objected but didn't insist. They had a lot to catch up on.23

When Jan got to her room, she sat and thought about the evening. She knew there was something about the man that she didn't trust. She went to bed and lay there thinking and waiting for Mike to come up. She finally dozed off around three in the morning.24

The next morning when she woke up, Mike was asleep beside her. It was Sunday, so he didn't have to go to work. She left him sleeping, got dressed and went downstairs to make coffee. When she got to the kitchen, Tony was already there and he poured her a cup of coffee as she walked in. She sat down at the table and asked him if his room was satisfactory.25

“It's perfect,” he said. “I may just stay.” He watched her to see what her reaction would be.26

“Did you and Mike have a great visit?”27

“We sure did. Mike's a great guy.”28

“How long can you stay?” she asked.29

“What's wrong. Are you ready to get rid of me already?” he smiled.30

“Of course not,” she said. “You know you're welcome to stay as long as you like.”31

They were sitting, chatting and drinking coffee when Mike came downstairs. He poured himself a cup of coffee and joined them. Jan could see how happy Mike was to have Tony here. She wouldn't say anything about how he made her feel. He was so good looking, you couldn't help but be attracted to him, but she loved Mike, and she didn't trust Tony.32

“I want to go out and look around town. Can you both go with me? 33

“You two go,” Jan insisted. “I have several things I need to get done today.”34

“It won't be nearly as much fun without you,” said Tony.35

Jan watched them leave, and hoped that Tony would not be staying long. She just had a bad premonition about him and didn't know why. She went about cleaning up the house and doing the wash. She had to work the next morning and had several tasks to get done.36

Mike was sorry Jan had not come, but he really enjoyed spending time with his old buddy. They talked about the war, about friends, and about women. Tony never had a problem finding a girl, and Mike was very happily married and would not care to trade places with his friend. Jan was wonderful and he couldn't imagine life without her. 37

“What have you been doing the last few years?” Mike asked.38

“Mostly bumming around and enjoying life. I work on my laptop, doing consultant work, and do pretty well. I have no complaints.” If my good buddy only knew how I do make my living, I wouldn't be so welcome, Tony thought. If he knew I was about the most successful con artist in the world, he would boot me out in a hurry, but I kind of like his life and I may just take it. That Jan is a beauty. I don't think she trusts me, but that's no problem. I'll have her eating out of my hand by the end of the week.39

Mike showed Tony around the town, showing him where he worked and where Jan worked. He pointed out all the main features of the town. He knew it probably looked like nowheresville to Tony, but he liked it. 40

When they got back to the house, Jan had a great meal on the table. They ate and Tony bragged about it being the best food he had tasted anywhere in his travels and he had eaten in more four star restaurants than he could count. Jan was pleased in spite of herself.41

After dinner, Tony excused himself, took his laptop and said he had some work he must get done. He spent the rest of the evening in his room. Jan and Mike sat and talked and Jan tried to tell Mike that she just didn't think Tony was everything he thought he was. 42

“You just don't know him like I do. You'll learn to love him just like I do.”43

Jan let it drop. She knew he wouldn't stay around for long, and things would be back to normal. They decided to go on to bed. They both had to work the next day.44

At one in the morning, Tony quietly left his room. He had seen Mike hang his pants on a door knob with his wallet in the pocket He quickly removed the wallet and took it back in his room. Tony sat down at his computer. He removed Mike's driver's license from his wallet and scanned it into his computer. Then he removed Mike's picture and replaced it with his own. He put in an order for a driver's license in Mike's name. The first thing he did in any new town is to open a post office box. He would have the license sent to his new box. 45

Next he filled out applications for five different credit cards with Mike's information. He would have them all within a week. While he was at it, he used Mike's credit card to sign up for online poker and put $1000 cash into his account. He was pretty good at poker and would make a bundle. He replaced Mike's driver's license and credit cards in his wallet and returned it to his pants pocket. 46

Now for some fun, he thought. I can set and play poker all night and make a bundle on Mike's credit. As soon as I get the driver's license and credit cards, I'll just be Mike for awhile till it gets too hot. I can always find another sucker. I might just take Jan with me for awhile. She's really something. Beauty shouldn't be wasted on a nerd like Mike. I can always dump her when I get tired of her.47

Tony spent the next week flirting with Jan every chance he got, and making small degradating remarks about Mike, not too evident, but enough to keep her thinking and not look at him as the hero she had always considered him. By the end of the week, she was responding to his compliments and seeing Mike in a different light. She didn't even realize what was going on. Mike never noticed a thing. 48

Tony started talking to Jan every time he caught her alone. He told her what an exciting life he led and how dull it must be , working every day and sticking to a nerd like Mike. He could tell she was cracking. He continued to spin the wonderful tales of the adventures they could have and she would never again be stuck in a no where town like Terre Haute. They would travel from coast to coast and go anywhere she wanted and have enough money to buy anything she wanted.49

A week later, Tony had his new license in his pockets and five new credit cards. He had won a cool $50,000 playing poker and he was ready for adventure. Jan had sneaked into his room around three in the morning the last couple of nights, and he knew she was his. He thought about using her to force Mike to do a bank job for him, but things had worked out so well, there was no reason to take any unnecessary risks. 50

Monday morning, after Mike went to work, Jan packed her bags, she climbed into Tony's new Lexus and they were off to see the world. Everything had worked out just as he had planned. Jan had left Mike a note, telling him she had left with a real man and she wished him well, but she would not be back. Mike was distraught. He couldn't believe Jan would do this to him, and it was just as hard to comprehend that his best buddy would do this. He didn't know which hurt the worst, but both betrayals were more than he could take. 51

Mike went to his car, closed the garage door and got in the car. He turned the ignition on and rolled his window part way down. While he waited for the exhaust to do its job, he started writing down all his feelings. Maybe, someday, Jan would return and would understand just how much he had loved her.52

Jan and Tony were on their way to Las Vegas and a brand new, exciting life. She didn't give Mike another thought. Tony was now Michael Thomas and she was his wife.

Author notes

I really appreciate in depth reviews. I'm really serious about mproving my writing. I thank you in advance for any reviews given.

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6
  • This wasn't bad, but it said too much so directly that you don't get much of a feel for the story. It wasn't a bad plot, but the way you told it made it seem too matter-of-fact. Maybe if you added more description periodically through the story, it would have a better flow. Thanks for entering!


  • Rorshach gold member
    March 29

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    Great beginning. Establishes the three main characters and setting immediately. This is such a little thing, but greatly enhances the readability. It's like saying to the reader "Here's my story. Put your feet up and i hope that you enjoy the ride". I hate long intros as they take the reader for granted and have a self confident smugness that makes me want to stop reading.
    ANYWAY
    Tony was a very believable character.
    As a shy guy myself i recognise his type immediately. They dominate the room and people are just happy to let them get on with it. They are always the centre of attention, but there is something dark about them as well.
    They have something of the con man (as revealed in p39)about them and although people are mesmerised by their personality, there is always the suspicion that there is something not quite right about them.
    The ending was very sad, but not unexpected.
    Women always go for the Tony type guys rather than the Mike's so it was very believable.
    There was a few spelling issues ( p48, degradating should read derogatory) but i'm no spelling angel myself.
    I also appreciated the short paragraphs. This is how i write and i think it makes the story very reader friendly.
    On the whole a very unhappy but believable little story. It was a good read, and i thank you for posting it here.


    • Tricia3 gold member
      March 29

      Edit | Reply

      Thanks for your kind comments

      I'm glad you enjoyed my story. It was one of my first and I let it slide into the background. Thought I'd bring it back up and see how I can improve on it and maybe get a few reads.

      Thanks again,
      Trish


  • SoundInkMusic
    February 9

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    You asked for in-depth reviews, so I'll do my best to give one. For starters, though, I ought to say that on the whole I loved this piece. Very nice work. =)

    I actually didn't find much to critique; it seemed like you've gone through and done a lot of editing on your own already, as there are only a few rough spots, which I'll mention below. One thing that stood out to me was your initial description of Tony, in paragraph 7. It definitely got the point across, as far as telling the reader that he's attractive, but the wording seemed a bit standard, and not quite in keeping with the rest of your descriptions. Most of them are brief and to the point, which works well for the story is not a problem, but the description of Tony seemed a little too short, and the phrasing could be improved, I think. Can't really tell you what to change it to specifically, but I'd recommend looking that part over again and seeing if anything else comes to mind.

    Also, paragraph 50: some of the sentences seem a bit awkward here, not so much the wording as the spacing. Might want to look over the grammatical aspects of this again and see if you can shift anything around. For instance: "He continued to spin the wonderful tales of the adventures they could have and she would never again be stuck in a no where town like Terre Haute." This feels like it could be made into two sentences, or alternatively you could just toss in a few commas to smooth it out (I'd recommend adding one after "adventures they could have").

    Other main thing I would suggest revising is Tony's thoughts; no objections to your description of his actions/thoughts when you did it in third-person, but when you occasionally went into first-person with him, it felt a bit flat. This could be due to the fact that for me, at least, his voice sounded too similar to the narrative voice to really stand out distinctly and catch my interest. Again, no specific changes I can recommend, just wanted to bring that point to your attention.

    Last thing: I got the feeling that this was meant to focus mainly on the characters, which it did very well, but you still might want to flesh out their surroundings some. I didn't really get a great feel for the settings of the story (location-wise, I mean). Perhaps a bit more description of the house, Italian restaurant, town, etc?

    That's about it for critiques =) Hope that was of some help. Apart from those things, I saw no major flaws in the story. It was an enjoyable read - good plotline, with character sketches that told just enough about their personalities without exaggerating them. Jan and Michael came across as likeable, relatively normal people with a very unfortunate run of luck. Good job with characterizing Tony; his sliminess was very apparent to the reader, but you also made it clear how charismatic he was as a person, and I didn't blame the couple for falling for him. Very nice work =)

    beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.

    • Tricia3 gold member
      March 29
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      I don't know how I failed to rely to this great comment. I must have really been preoccupied at the time. I hadn't really looked at this story since I wrote it. I do need to back through and do some editing. I'm trying to bring back some of my first stories with few, or no comments to see what I can do with them.
      Sorry,
      Trish

      • SoundInkMusic
        March 29
        Edit | Reply
        No worries =) I just hope the critique was of some help. Best of luck with the editing and any current stories you may be working on!

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