Mama Mango

This is a tale of triumph. A tale of love, a tale of tails. This is the tale of Mama Mango.1

She was born in a river. Now this isn’t as odd as it sounds, ‘cause her parents were alligatas. What’s really odd is that she was human. Admittedly green-skinned, bu’ there were no scales on her body, no siree.2

Now this river was in Florida, close to a small town by the name of Mangobrook. A couple people had sighted the green-skinned youth. The local newspaypas were callin’ her Mama Mango, ‘cause she was big – mama-sized.3

Her motha’ caught word of this an’ said to ‘er, “Why, I hear there’s a fuss about you in town.” Now Mama Mango could undastand this alligata’ because, since she was born unda special circumstances, she could undastand animals.4

Mama Mango said to her motha’, “Oh really? What’z they sayin’ about me?”5

“They’z callin’ you Mama Mango.”6

“Bu’ I’m not a mama.”7

“Those ‘umans are weird.”8

“…Am I a human?” Mama Mango finally asked. There was a long silence, in fact so long that it lasted seven days and six nights.9

Finally, Mama Mango’s motha’ said, “Maybe you should run away to Cincinnati. I ‘eard they ‘ave ice cream there.”10

"Bu’ I don’t want any ice cream!”11

Since Mama Mango was bein’ so uncoopretive, her motha’ did what any motha’ would do – she picked ‘er up in her jaws an’ threw her all the way to Cincinatti.12

Mama Mango was mad ‘bout this once she landed the next day, but her motha’ was all the way back in Florida, so what could she do? Mama Mango sat there ponderin’ this, ‘cause she was a smart lass, bu’ before she could finish, a bony hand whisked her into a dark allyway.13

Mama Mango woulda screamed, bu’ one of her captor’s hands was over ‘er mouth.14

“Shh…” The cloaked figure said, “I’m ‘ere to ‘elp you. If you’re gonna live wit’ ‘umans, you can’t be havin’ such green skin. ‘Ere, have a mango. What you do wit’ it is-“15

Bu’ before the cloaked figure could finish, Mama Mango figured out what to do and took the mango from the figure’s hand and began spreadin’ it all ova’ her face. When she finally looked up, the figure was gone. 16

“That figures,” Mama mango muttered, “I better go get a job.”17

So Mama Mango walked off, pledgin’ to apply at the first opportunity she saw. Well, she walked ‘til she hit the Cincinnati zoo.18

“Oh, a zoo,” Mama Mango muttered, “I’m good wit’ animals.”19

So she walked in to apply, noticin’ that there was a ‘zookeepas needed’ sign outside. Now Mama Mango was only fourteen, but she was let into the job application due to bein’ mama-sized, since mama-sized people are usually old enough to be zookeepas.20

Well, halfway through the intaview, the intaviewa realized that Mama Mango had no zookeepin’ experience. But, good fo’ Mama Mango, the intaviewa was suddenly shot.21

Mama Mango stood up, and when she looked out the window, there was the cloaked figure! He said to ‘er, “Jus’ say you got the job.”22

Now Mama Mango was no lia’, bu’ she knew that it was in ‘er best interest to do what the cloaked figure said. So she walked out of the room, and when she was asked ‘bout the intaview, she said, “Yeah, I got it.” An’ that’s ‘ow Mama Mango became a zookeepa.23

Many years later, Mama Mango was doin’ the typical cleanup of the lion cage. What she found amongst the poop astounded her. It was a little lion, but it wasn’t a baby. No, it was maned, full grown, an’ half a foot tall.24

It took one look at Mama Mango, an’ said, “Mama!”25

“How’d you know my name?” Mama Mango asked.26

“It’z not your name, you’re mah mama!” 27

“Bu’ I didn’t get pregnant…” Mama Mango said. But then she remembered the time she was sick fo’ nine months straight an’ then went to the bathroom and did a lot of you-know-what, so much the toilet wouldn’t flush.28

“Maybe it’s a good thing the toilet was so stubborn…” Mama Mango muttered.29

An’ then she said, “But I didn’t have…” Bu’ then she remembered the time, jus’ before she got sick, when she was at a drinkin’ party at the zoo, passed out, an’ woke up in the lion cage.30

“Okay, then, I am your mama,” Mama Mango finally agreed, “but I need to name you. How ‘bout… Miss Purtymane?”31

“Bu’ ah’m a boy!” Miss Purtymane said. Mama Mango chose not to respond.32

Abou’ a week lata’, Mama Mango was takin’ Miss Purtymane out for a stroller ride.33

“Whee!” He squealed as the stroller was going down a hill. Bu’ then, suddenly, the strolla’ tripped! It flipped upside down an’ flew through the sky! Miss Purtymane was holdin’ on for his life!34

Thankfully, Mama Mango was quick-witted, so when Miss Purtymane finally let go, Mama Mango was there to catch him. Bu’ they couldn’t rejoice fo’ long for two reasons: one, the strolla’ was fallin’ back down, an’ two, there was a menacin’ growl from behind them.35

Mama Mango did manage to get ‘erself an’ Miss Purtymane out of the way of the strolla’, but the growlin’ continued.36

“What are ya?” Miss Purtymane yelled in fear.37

“…growl… Ah’m a Kinkajou!”38

Mama Mango an’ Miss Purtymanae looked all surprised-like at the place where th’ sound came from. There was nothin’ there.39

“Where are ya?” Mama Mango yelled into the hill. Then she felt a weird furry thing by her leg.40

“Ah’’m right here!” The voice said from underneath Mama Mango.41

Bu’ when Mama Mango looked down, she still didn’t see anythin’.42

“Ah’m invisible,” The invisible Kinkajou said, “mah name’s Mimi.”43

An’ then Mama Mango an’ Miss Purtymane decided to befriend Mimi the Invisible Kinkajou, and they continued walkin’ down the hill.44

It was an hour or so lata’, when they reached the woods, when Mama mango an’ her group started to hear strange noises. Somethin’ like a helicopta’. An’ some shootin’ too.45

“What’z all that noise about?” Miss Purtymane complained.46

Bu’ no one could hear her, ‘cause the noise was so loud. So loud, in fact, that the trees were startin’ to vibrate, an’ they even looked like they were goin’ to fall down!47

Thankfully, no tree did fall, ‘cause the source of the noise, a helicopta’ wit’ guns an’ wolf heads all over it, landed right nexa Mama Mango!48

“What’z that?” Miss Purtymane asked, now that he could be heard.49

“It’s a helicopta’,” Mama Mango explained, “someone sits in it an’ drives it, like a car.”50

“Who’s in it?” Mimi the Invisible Kinkajou asked worridly.51

There was no time fo’ anyone to respond to her, though, ‘cause the helicopta’ driva’ walked right out of the white door.52

Now she was the scariest thin’ anyone had ever seen. She looked kina like a normal human, ‘cept you could tell that she as very bad news.53

“Hi,” She said in the scariest, most annoyin’ way known to mankind, “I’m The Nefarious Witch of the North!”54

Mama Mango, Mimi the Invisible Kinkajou, an’ Miss Purtymane were all shakin’ they’re skin off, and I mean that literally. Bu’ before their skin could crawl away, a certain black-cloaked figure ran at lightspeed to where they were an’ fixed their skin back on, all in a matter of 2 seconds.55

Den’ he said, “You nefarious witch!” to a certain northerner.56

She replied, “Yes?”, assumin’ he was jus’ refferin’ to her, which he wasn’t.57

“Ah think ‘e was tryin’ to insult ya,” Mama Mango clarified, “ how stupid are ya?”58

“Very.” The cloaked figure, who clearly knew her, replied.59

“How dare you call me stupid!” The Nefarious Witch whined, “I’ll shoot you!”60

So she pulled out a rifle an’ shot the cloaked figure. Bu’ don’t you fret, ‘cause all it did was knock ‘is cloak off, revealin’ ‘is true face.61

“You’re…you’re an aye-aye!” Mama Mango, Miss Purtyman, an’ Mimi the Invisible Kinkajou all said simultaneously. 62

The uncloaked aye-aye nodded. “Mah name’s Mephistopheles.”63

“Wha?” Mimi said, “that name’s too long for me!” 64

Everyone, especially the Nefarious Witch of the North, nodded.65

“Jus’ call me Phi.” Mephistopheles said.66

“Okay, “ Said Mama Mango. She might have said somethin’ else too, bu’ she was distracted by the witch’s cacklin’. An’ all the shootin’.67

Yes, The Nefarious Witch of the North was tryin’ to shoot Mama Mango, Phi, Mimi the Invisible Kinkajou, an’ Miss Purtymane. Tryin’. She was missin’ all over the place.68

“Quick, let’z take that gun away from her!” Miss Purtymane urged.69

“’Er failin’ streak can’t last long!” Phi warned.70

An’, jus’ to prove Phi’s point, The Nefarious Witch of the North manage to shoot Mama Mango.71

Bu’, as you know, Mama Mango is mama-sized, so the bullet didn’t hit any of her vital organs. She was in pain, though, so she had to lie down.72

The Witch cackled with glee, and said, “I like shootin’ things.”73

“This is not good.” Miss Purtymane pinted out.74

“Our best defense is gone!” wailed Mimi the Invisible Kinkajou.75

The Nefarious Witch of the North, happy wit’ this comment, struck a pose. Phi’s eyes lit up, ‘cause ‘e knew he could take ‘er while she wasn’t expectin’ it.76

So Phi lunged at the Nefarious Witch, usin’ his aye-aye strength, an’ he poked ‘er eyes out wit’ ‘is long fingers.77

Bu’ The Witch wasn’t finished off. She grabbed a gun an’ started shootin’ wildly. Th’ only way to stop ‘er was to get in her way an’ turn the gun back on ‘er.78

The only one who could do this was Mama Mango. Ev’ryone knew this, so they all screamed, “Help us, Mama Mango!”79

Mama Mango, not wantin’ to let anyone down, managed to get up through the pain an’ she walked in front of The Nefarious Witch of the North. She took a few shots to the torso, but ‘er mama-sized powers helped ‘er to not die. She turned the gun back on The Witch an’ shot her in the face. The rejoicing was heard for hours.80