I sat down on my allocated seat. I spun around looking at the surroundings I was about to endure 5 hours of looking at. I was sitting next to an old man with grey hairs poking out of the top of his almost bald head. I looked down at his fingers and almost vomited when I noticed three fingers appeared to be missing. Also an odd smell was hovering around him that smelled strongly of cigarettes mixed with alcohol. His clothes were ragged and grey that looked as if they had been designed in the 1800’s. 1
I gave one last look at him and turned the other way. I was looking out the window, watching a lake appearing up ahead, then disappearing behind me as the train picked up speed. Tears began to form in my scared eyes. Before I could hold it in any more, they started pouring rapidly out. I reached into my hand bag and pulled out a few tissues. I could tell they were going to be a regular item for me to use.2
“Hello,” said the man sitting next to me. 3
“Hi,’ I said back quickly to him, trying to turn away from him so he did not notice my tears. But it was too late. 4
“Are you ok?” he said, referring to my watery, red stained eyes. 5
“Um yeh. They are tears because I’m...um...happy,” I replied to him, doing a horrible job of lying on the spot. 6
He raised his eyebrows at me but kept his lips stuck together. I put my head back against the chair. I was so tired. My eyes kept closing and my whole body felt weak and sore. Eventually I closed my eyes, listening to nothing but my thoughts.7
“You’re a horrible child, you deserve to be dead.”8
“Why are you such a freak you hopeless girl.”9
“Why don’t you just jump off a cliff, it would make everyone’s life much easier.” 10
I could feel myself being thrown against the cold hard wall. My vision was blurred, however I could see the angry outline of my father coming towards me. His eyes were bulging out of his head as he raised his shaking fist. I could feel my stomach collapse as his fist collided with my stomach, then with my head. I slumped on the ground, blood oozing from the corner of my swollen lip and my teeth were swimming in the pools of blood surrounding me. 11
I saw him step back away from me, looking delighted at his success of almost killing me. I saw him head towards mom. She was screaming and cowering as he got closer. Once again his trembling fist rose into the air. I shut my eyes quickly, but that did not prevent me hearing the horrible noise coming out of my mom. I wish I had the guts to grab the knife lying near by and plunge it through his heart. 12
Snapping back into reality, I heard my screams echo around the train. I could hear urgent whispers around me of the other passengers. 13
“Is she ok?”
“I think she is having a seizure,”14
I tried to open my mouth to tell them I was ok. But nothing came out. I was too horrified about the flash back I just encountered. It seemed so real, even though I knew it wasn’t. I could feel someone reaching around me. I tried to push them away, but I had no energy left. I soon discovered I had fallen off the seat and was writhing in pain on the floor. My mind went dizzy and fuzzy, and next thing I knew, I had passed out.
Author notes
How is the story going along?
please tell me your thoughts, i can handle them.
In a list
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
-
I have to agree, it does seem a bit short. However, for the length it is well done. Looking forward to seeing where it goes next. -Liz
-
omg!! i can't believe it.. kinda sad.. it reminded me of some korean dramas that i've watch... but i for got. the name... oh where is she going to? lolx... srry..
-
I love this story, it draws me in every chapter. Keep up the great work!
-
im having with drawls you need to write more and more please!!
I believe this story has amazing potencial like wow this is one of the best books on this whole site most stories i read on this site i cant bebothered to but this one is fantastic and u have me hooked.
when u finish you have to promise me that i will be the first person to read it!!!
Hsmlover1
-
I think this is too short. Maybe you could add a little bit about when she came to or something like that. But that's up to you.
Keep writing on.
--Aden
-
You have caught my attention
-
The revelation here is good!
Keep up the great work! 
-
OMG!! i have been seriously enjoying this series!! iv read all of them and im very excited for the next chapter! please keep it up.. im loving it
x -
holy crap! poor samantha!!!!!
-
So interestng, I can't quit reading
You're a fantastic story teller.
Trish
-
WOW..... powerful stuff. Her hallucination is really scary, but great. her thoughts toward herself in the beginning of the vision really help illustrate her remorse. But this is too short! :'( I want to read more, more, more! I'm not even going to point out mistakes this time; somebody else can. I'm off to read the next chapter. Hee hee!
-
Wow.. That was really well written.. U have me hooked Keep writing
-
Very intriguing chapter. Just a couple of technical things:
In paragraph 1 you use the word smell twice in the same sentence. Maybe change the first to odor or some other synonym.
In paragraph 12, kind of the same thing with the word stomach. Maybe exchange the first for gut, torso, yummy food storage center, etc.
I'm impressed with your character development so far. You've got a lot of potential. -
cool. that really shocked me wen she had a flash bak coz i didnt know her dad woz like that. lol. yeh its good i just wish she would get 2 da skool already so i can make fun of da stuck up boarding skool geeks
-
Omgosh, CitCat. I now want to know how much of this is based on your own reality. I mentioned earlier on that I suffered from an abusive father; I also suffer from PTSD. It is a direct result of the abuse. What you have described in this girl's flashback is essentially a panic attack. Yes, even in a dream.
Go into a little more detail with this chapter. Describe what triggered it. Show us where you want it to lead. So far, your story is very believable. Keep writing.
-
-
just letting you know, NONE of this is real at all in this story. it all made up. the only thing that is real is the characters name, who is my really good friend. but none of this really happened to me or anyone i know
-
-
Well, in that case, AWESOME. You have portrayed the emotions and the reality of this very, very well. There are probably a lot of people out there that will disagree with me on that, but most of them have never been there on the inside of it. Again, keep up the great writing!
-
-
-
'allocated'...
...is a pretty fancy word, even assigned, is too formal, but you plunge into a remembered action scene with the beating and fear and trauma and we begin to see into Samantha's behavior and understand why she is in rebellion.
Keep your story going....
good luck!
Amicus....
-
It's shorter than most, but I really liked it. The description of her father made me feel as if it was real, it was amazing. That part was definetly my favourite part of the whole of the Class Rebel chapters. (:
-
I reaaly like the story so far! It's really getting good.
-
great
hey is there a 5th chapter if there isnt im gunna talk 2 u on msn and make u make one lol u should be an author u r great!
remember everyone check out my story Midnight by twilight-rox110.
cya.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
-
'Yeh' is actualy spelt 'yeah
and as a suggestion i think you should have the voices in her head in italics, it's eaisly done and is very effective, you can still have the quotation marks if you like it just makes it more apparent that the voice is in her head
it's a good start though I like it! Well done.
I think this is great though, it kept my attention the whole way though and I loved the description of the man.
just one last thing for you to think about though. Your title is 'class rebel' and your opening lines are 'I sat down on my allocated seat. I spun around looking at the surroundings I was about to endure 5 hours of looking at.' from allocated seat and 5 hours I presumed that the scene was a class room so I was a little confused that she should be sitting next to an old man and it took me a little while to realise she was on a train :S and I tink 'spun' might be too sudden a word for the context but that's up to you.
Hope you find this helpful!
-
This is better written then your last three chapters you wrote. Your getting better.The story is going in a good direction. Good jobHost
-
I agree with lavanya that you are definitely getting better at writing with each chapter. You should keep the story going.
-
well, you are doing good honey....you should keep writting , with time you wil get that grace which any story need ...don't worry...or you can join classes conducted by site's best authors...but in my view you are doing great...keep writting.
Adding your comment:
1 - 25 of 25
