A cavern lay in the desert, located South East of the kingdom of Ardlin. It was said, that the Cavern was cursed, many men have journeyed to its treacherous passages seeking riches, and have never returned. An ancient Secret lay clasped in its hold, an unrelenting hold that sealed the doom of thousands.1
So Notorious had the cavern's reputation become, that the king's son, prince Brazen, overtaken by curiosity, decided to explore the rumours for himself. Against his father's wishes, he rode out towards the cavern. 2
Days had passed, and the Prince never returned. The King grew ill with worry. He would offer any man a handsome reward for the return of his only son. But no man came forth, all stood in silence, except for a stranger that came from out of town.3
The stranger approached the king, with his sword and shield firmly gripped in his hands. “I will go, your majesty," said the stranger. The king glanced fondly, "You are a brave warrior. Your place among the stars awaits you when you return." 4
The warrior and his horse rode across the land which stretched out far beyond the reaches of the kingdom. Their journey lasted for days, of which, they had to stop by the small towns on their way for supplies. At one point, in one of the towns, the Warrior was given a talisman by a priest. He was told, the amulet would shield him from harm. The Warrior thanked the priest, and continued on his way.5
After a long and arduous journey, he finally reached the Cavern. The Warrior hopped off his horse, and walked a few steps forward, before stopping again to examine what lay ahead...6
Before him, a massive, round, uninviting, entrance awaited. For a second, the warrior thought he'd heard a groan emanate from the shadows, as though, it was warning him to keep his distance. "Meh," he thought, and took a deep breath as he started towards the cavern. 7
Inside, the pit was vast, and the darkness stretched out as far as the warrior could see. He could hear the sound of water drops – falling from the sharp stalactites above - splashing down on the puddles below. 8
He lit the dry torch which he had packed, and slowly walked on the dark path that led deeper into the Cavern.9
He wandered for what seemed like hours, and found nothing; the gloomy rocky pathway seemed to stretch on, and on. The place had an eerie silence, and the only sound he could hear were his footsteps which created an echo that bounced about the narrowing passage way. 10
He thought of the riches that the king would bestow on him, and how, he would flaunt that wealth. All these years, he'd been a Mercenary, moving from one job to another. The work was dangerous, while the rewards were little. "No more, after this, I will never have to work again," he thought.11
After a while, he felt exhausted, and sat down to eat. He was enjoying the meal, when suddenly, he heard whispers. He stopped eating and listened. The tortured, male voices beckoned him to leave the place, again and again, but the warrior just ignored, and continued to eat his meal.12
When he finished, he pressed forward, but only moments later, he heard a growl which stopped him in his track. He unsheathed his sword, and lifted the shield to his face; he stood in an attacking stance and waited. The growls came closer and closer, the warrior held his breath. 13
"LEAVE!" screamed a flying Ghoul, it looked like an ordinary man, but, with a horrified expression frozen on its face. It flung itself at the warrior, which prompted him to swing his sword at it. Unfortunately, for the warrior, his sword did not harm it and the ghoul commenced to cry and dangle in the air. "Leave, fool!" it growled at the warrior. 14
In that instant, the Warrior had remembered the talisman that the priest had given him. He quickly took it out from his satchel, and flashed it at the Ghoul. At once, the spirit violently screamed and cried before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.15
Outside the cavern, days and nights had passed in haste. The warrior grew weary, but he knew he had to continue, an aching body, was a small price to pay for the riches he would reap. At long last, he’d reached a giant door; he let out a sigh of relief and walked in.16
He called out to the prince, but there was no reply. He called out again, when a hideous creature appeared before him. The warrior quickly jumped back, unsheathed his sword, and readied himself for battle. The creature frowned and said to him, in what sounded like a sad tone “A fight with you is not my wish." 17
The warrior was confused, it was a huge creature with a powerful physique and ugly to boot, yet it didn't want to fight? 18
"What is it that you want, then?” The warrior queried,19
The creature pointed its finger to what appeared to be a massive, locked, rocky door with a huge keyhole. “In there, you will find all the gold and jewels you could ever dream of, all I ask, is that you end my suffering.”20
“How do I open it?”21
“The key is hidden behind that boulder,” the creature said,22
“Very well,” The warrior replied,23
The warrior walked calmly towards the creature, and viciously thrust his sword into the creature’s sternum, as it fell to the ground and bled to death. The warrior then proceeded towards the boulder to retrieve the key, and, as the creature had said, it was indeed, lying there. The warrior picked up the glass key and walked to the door; he inserted the key and turned it, only to be knocked back to a violent crash by a loud, bright flash…24
Moments later, he awoke. With mounting horror, he gazed at his large, razor sharp claws and large, spikey, deformed arms. He had mutated into an abomination much similar to the one before him. He then shifted his sight towards what appeared to be a lair filled with hills of gold and jewels. 25
“Dear God, What have I done?” He whimpered,26
The End27
A contest entry
- Good writing... by Lois.Stone.
350 points, ended February 25, 70 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Bad guys win by Daemon Morningstar.
150 points, ended February 24, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - All kinds of Stories... Please kill my boredom! by GrimDeath.
600 points, ended March 14, 81 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Very good, I like the ending it was very interesting. Great Job! Thank you for entering my contest and Good Luck!
-Grim -
Wow! Thats really good! Awesome!
Loisx
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wow! that was excellent. i really really enjoyed it. the story line is extrememly interesting. this story has a heap of potential
i could not find any errors at all
well done, and good luck with writing in the future
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Ooooohhh....I LOVED the ending--brillant!
This was very well written. The plot rolled along smoothly, and it was very descriptive.
I assume that the Prince died once he was released from being the 'hideous creature'? But, maybe not....
I only noticed one thing...
P1... I think there should be either a semicolon or a period after the word 'cursed'.
This was really good!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow. I enjoyed this
It's a beautiful "cursed" story, and honestly, I want to know how or IF the curse could be broken.. but yeah, no pressure to continue the story since it is enjoyable even this way (with an open ending)
I particularly enjoyed the subtlety of the prince's fate, and I continue to wonder if he was set free after the warrior stabbed him, or if the freedom given to him was in form of death? x.x Anyway, as I said, this was an enjoyable read
I am sorry I cannot point out the "errors" or technical stuff I can help with (too much sugar for me), and none jumped out at me Thanks for sharing this story
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Thanks for your comments and corrections Valkyrie, will do the edits soon.
You absolutely understood what I was doing with this story and especially the ending and I'm really glad you enjoyed it. -
What a wicked fun story! It put me in mind of one of Scheherezade's tales, actually, which I have read and enjoyed. I love especially how you didn't come out and say what happened to the prince! The subtlety of your ending was well done indeed. Just thinking of it put me all aquiver! Spooky and creepy, with a subtle moral: don't get greedy! Although I think anyone who went after the prince, no matter the reason, might have had to kill him...but maybe not! That's the beauty of your ending. It's not really an ending! Ahahahaha! I LOVE this story!
Some things:
p1 cursed;
p3 he would offer - sounds like he didn't actually. Maybe: he offered, and I think you can leave off "any man"
came forth. All
If this is a whole kingdom, coming from out of town doesn't seem to be enough to make someone a stranger...
p4 the stranger's words and the king's words should be in separate paragraphs
glancing fondly is fine, but it's not a way one speaks. Maybe: The king glanced fondly at the stranger and said, "You...
p5 the first sentence reads awkwardly to me...
Maybe: The warrior rode his horse far beyond the reaches of the kingdom.
leave out "of which"; it's not needed: for days; they had to...
you can delete "in one of the towns" since it's assumed that the priest will be in a town.
He was told - passive voice. Comma isn't needed either...maybe: The priest told him the amulet would...
Although you call him "priest" several times. maybe change one or two to another descriptive term. Old man, redheaded holy man, whatever you like.
p7 don't need the comma after "as though"
not sure what "it" is referring to in the warning sentence. "It was warning him"...shadows is plural. If the shadows are warning, "it" s/b "they"
p8 stalactites
pit implies a large hole, yet he walked into the cavern...is there a pit within, that he's descending into? Sounds like he might need ropes...
p10 on and on: doesn't need a comma after first on
sound[s] he could hear were
then you have just one echo..maybe: footsteps, which echoed about within the narrowing passageway
p11 got a couple extra commas:
and how he would
All these years he'd
"No more. After
p12 kinda sudden-like...maybe: After a while his exhaustion caught up with him, and he sat down to rest and eat. His enjoyment of the meal was interrupted by sudden whispers.
the place = vague...the Cavern?
ignored [them], and resumed his meal
p13 When he [had] finished
marched forward...maybe: pressed forward, or onward?
track = tracks
"stood in an attacking stance and waited" it sounds contradictory, and you just described his pose in the prev sentence...maybe: "he tensed, ready to attack, awaiting his opponent."
closer and closer;
p14 couple more punctuation things:
Ghoul. It looked
but with a horrified
which prompted - kind of a given...maybe: "the warrior, who swung his sword with all his might."
don't need "for the warrior" in the next sentence
p15 instance = instant
delete "had" before remembered, and "that" after talisman
before disappearing = then disappeared (keeps your verbs the same)
p16 Don't know what you mean by "passed in haste". Outside the cavern time moves differently?
continue. An aching body was a...
At long last, he reached...
walked in? it was open?
p17 called out again, when...do you mean he called out in surprise/fear at the sight, or he was in process of calling out again for the prince? maybe: In the midst of his second shout, a hideous...
unsheathed his sword/readied for battle...repetitive. I'd just go for "The warrior jumped back, dragging his sword from its sheath."
New paragraph for the last sentence.
comma after tone
the dialogue is awkward; maybe: "It is not my wish to fight you."
p18 confused;
creature, [with a] powerful physique[,] and ugly...
p19 delete "that"
asked.
p20 pointed its finger...as opposed to another appendage? just "pointed" is okay
don't need "what appeared to be"
dream of. All I ask is that...
p22 said.
p23 "the" doesn't need capitalization
replied.
p24 walked calmly towards...maybe: sauntered, or approached
viciously? the creature wanted to die. It sounds like the warrior is doing something evil.
don't need "willing", you've already told us it wants to die.
point of anatomy: sternum is solid bone and pretty hard to stab through. most strikes to the heart slide in between the ribs just to the side of the sternum. Also, his sword would SO stick there if he really did it this way!
I expected some kind of moan as it died, or perhaps a murmur of thanks...
then proceeded towards - sounds a little formal. Maybe condense this sentence with the next a bit: Moments later, the warrior's fingers scrabbled blindly in the dirt behind the boulder; there was indeed a key here.
the last sentence read awkwardly to me...maybe: "He picked up the key, feeling its glassy surface, and inserted it into the lock. As he turned it, a loud bright flash knocked him back, and he crashed violently into the opposite wall."
Or some such thing.
p25 doesn't have any reaction from him at his appearance like I expected.
I think it would be more dramatic if you left out "transformed into a hideous thing", and simply described his features as identical to the beast earlier in the story. Er, and go add the claws to the creature in p17. Unless I'm just terribly off in my assumption of how this story ends!
Like: "Moments later, he awoke. With mounting horror, he gazed at the large, razor-sharp claws at the ends of his hideous lumpy arms..." or however you see him.
"Stunned, he shifted his sight to(wards what appeared to be - you say that a lot and it's not really needed) the lair...
p26 lowercase "he"
whimpered
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