There is something very steadying about having a solid steering wheel under my fingers and a tangible pedal beneath my foot. At any given moment I could clench my teeth, grip the wheel, press the pedal to the metal, and badly mangle the bumper of the dirty Toyota Camry in front of me. The car might even burst into flames.1
Of course, I would never do that. But the knowledge that I could, is slowly cooling me off.2
Okay, is that Toyota in front of me actually dirty or is that the color of the car? Why in the hell do people buy cars in such ugly colors? Come to think of it, there's a lot of beige on this road. I mean, people in white Corollas probably shouldn't throw stones, but then again I'm at a very stoned place in my life right now. 3
People in white Corollas probably shouldn't drive under the influence either.4
Or people in any color car. 5
Well. I should re-couch that.6
If a car is beige, that kind of justifies a driver's need to veil his mind with drugs. I'm sure the state of Virginia is on my side. If it's not there already, put it on the books! An ugly car is a valid justification for drug abuse. In the state of Virginia. In places like Florida and Montana, an ugly car is pretty much a prerequisite to breathing. 7
But Virginia wouldn't allow that. Virginia laws are thorough. Hell, we have a law stating, "It is illegal to tickle women." I'm not shitting you. Women are off-limits for tickling. If a hot-blooded Virginian man wants to tickle, he needs to find a man to do it to. I may be high, but I know the law.8
People like to think that marijuana is a great drug for masking reality. "It throws a hard punch, man." No. It puts you in a mildly pleasant haze. Not working so well for me today.9
The idiot stoners at my school all talk like they're doing hard narcotics when really they're just smoking weed. Grass. It doesn't do anything except make you feel like life is a Barney movie. It's not hard core. It won't help you play better in a thrash metal band. It's marijuana! It makes me think this car can rise and fly like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (my fine four-fendered friend) but it does not excuse idiotic behavior like swearing at the principal un-provoked. (Swearing at the principal, duly provoked, is one of my favorite pastimes.)10
The guys at my school have no idea how to take weed. They think it's dangerous to smoke and drive. 11
Oh, shit. Shit! I just badly mangled the dirty Camry in front of me. (It's not on fire; I'm a little disappointed.) Did we ever decide on whether or not it was dirty or just had an unfortunate color?12
Author notes
[Exploding Chickens
For Lizzieg http://www.eatturkey.com/recipe/images/photos/11410.jpg]
This has no point or direction, in case you hadn't noticed. (: Thanks for reading! Please comment.
Also if your car is beige or champagne or anything else unoriginal like that, don't be offended. I happen to love a beige car. (:
A contest entry
- Prompts by SweeneyTodd-girl.
150 points, ended February 19, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything. Also, there's a lot of music. (Again) by VariousSingularity.
400 points, ended February 18, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Something funny for a change! by crazy.hott.salsa.
240 points, ended February 21, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Three Prompts! by His.Golden.Eyes.
142 points, ended March 11, 36 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Random Funk by Owen Aero.
450 points, ended May 1, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Above and Beyond the Norm by SoundInkMusic.
900 points, ended March 14, 27 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Whatever!!!! by Savage.
600 points, ended March 21, 61 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - LOL by neutraltint.
175 points, ended March 8, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Welcome to my world by Vampiric souls.
350 points, ended March 21, 86 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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I'm not sure what to make of this!! It's funny and interesting at the same time!! Great Job!!
Thank you so much for entering!!!
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um i'm not quite sure if this is real or made up...
i don't think i like it much
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Hahaha, oh man is this funny. Why do people insist on cracking me up? There's not much left of me. Yeah this was fuh-nee. You did a really good job on this, you should be proud! *simper*
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Hmm, interesting musings and an interesting situation. I couldn't help being amused by both the driver's thoughts and actions (though I was glad that the Camry didn't explode). Considering this one for the finalists' list =)
Thank you for entering, and good luck with the contest.
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Sweet. I love it! Right up my alley, but I'm sure you already knew that. But I do have a correction for you: Smoking weed does so TOTALLY make you more awesome at playing thrash metal. But beer is the more responsible route if you want to keep tempo. But if you're worried about tempo, then you're too much of a pussy to be playing thrash.
Shit... I'm sorry, I'm really stoned right now.
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Hey, don't apologize. At least someone's having fun now (: I think weed makes you FEEL more awesome at thrash metal and if your audience is stoned then it's all good. Tempo can go to hell.
But I'm a musical theater kid by nature so tempo is kind of big to me. Haha glad you liked it (: I think you mildly hated my last piece.
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Very Funny
This was a fun piece to read. I hope you had as much fun writing it . I can (oddly enough) relate somewhat to your rant. You've definately entertained your readers. It flowed effortlessly from beginning to end. Great job.
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You can relate? Do tell!
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I don't mean to the DUI part...(well maybe back in the day...... lol) but I tend to have a short fuse when driving. Thank goodness I live and drive rurally and not in a city. I hate it when I have to drive into the city for shopping/sports/entertainment and the like. I had to laugh cause I had a champagne color van.. and now have a white suv.
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It's okay! (: I have a champagne colored car too. That's what this is based on. Almost. (:
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Very nice. The pace and flow perfectly fit the mood of the character. I love the first-person aspect, and the disappointment at not causing the other vehicle to burst into flames. You gave me a chuckle, so I am in your debt. Thanks for entering. Good luck to you.
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Oh yeah? In Utah, we have a law that says,
"It is considered an offense to hunt whales."
And we have no oceans around.
Oh and the story. Ummm, lol.
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HAHAHAHA! I love it. (:
In Virginia it is illegal to have sex in any other position than the missionary position. Shhhh lol
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Ha! I thought that law would never have its place in literature.
"If a hot-blooded Virginian man wants to tickle, he needs to find a man to do it to."--Hilarious!
I wish I had more to say...Here in West Virginia, we have a very strange (albeit needed-in some areas, at least) law concerning animals less than 40lbs...I don't think it'd quite fit in with this story though...
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You've piqued my curiosity now. (: You can't just mention a law about animals under 40 lb. and not explain! Explain. (: Please.
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Interesting. I didn't quite get, is this supporting weed or against it? Never the less, I liked it.
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Top Notch!
I liked this story, the pace of the piece, your use of language and the humour is all spot on.
All the best. -
Very funny
I wonder what the driver in the Camry thought
Any edits have already been noted by others although I notice you haven't bothered following them up!
Good write and good humerous rant
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Um...I thought I did follow up on the edits. I'd like to know which ones I missed...
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p8 - first sentence - their s/b they're
No big deal. I thought I saw more but I didn't (my eyes must be going funny on me) sorry about that
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PS The they're in paragraph 8 is correct, I think.
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No, you're looking at the the wrong one:
The idiot stoners at my school all talk like their doing - their s/b they're
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Aha, thank you! (: I'll get on that.
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No, it's fine. (: Thanks for catching that!!
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Nice rambling
Like I could tell you were totally stoned man. lol I thought the best line was about the Virginian men tickling. Even if you are high you do know the law.
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I wasn't stoned, I swear. (:
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lol. That made me laugh. Good work. So much for that beige car I was thinking of. lol.
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haha!
It really made me laugh. And it also made me notice how ugly beige cars are!
I really liked how no b.s. it was, just getting it all out there. You have a great voice! -
I laughed at this!
I love how this is so simple and to the point. Like you say, it's not really about anything, but it's pretty down to earth, like what someone might actually be thinking about.
It was short, which was quite nice, because if something like this had stretched on for ages, it might have gotten tiresome. I've never been in this situation (I'm too young to drive anyway!) but I'm sure that I'm always thinking random thoughts like these, especially about why people might have chosen whatever horrible car or shoes or something that they did.
It was well written, which was a great plus, because it sucks when you have to squint at the words to make out what it's on about. No spelling or grammar mistakes that I can see.
I would like to know if there is any particular story behind this. (:
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Sadly there's no sorry. I was bored witless yesterday and jacked up on Robitussin so I sat down and wrote exactly what came to mind...for a contest. (: I'm glad I made you laugh!! This is the best reaction I've gotten to a humor piece so far. Thanks.
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Leaving aside the fact that I'm a driving instructor...
...I found this humorous. I'd love to know what the follow-up is, because it's probably that which would be interesting. Incidentally, it's pedal to the metal, not medal. Others have commented on the their, there, they're.
By an odd coincidence, I had a pupil two weeks ago who was completely wiped out on cannabis. It wasn't obvious to begin with, he was just a trifle more courteous and mellow than usual.
My first inkling was when he rather casually put the car into reverse at a red traffic light on one of the busiest roads in town. I asked if he had any particular reason for doing so, and he told me the light was hurting his eyes, so he intended to back off a few yards. He was mildly astonished when I pointed out that this would mean mangling the rather splendid Mercedes behind us, and the chances were that the driver might be a trifle upset. Upon which he opened the door and ran back to speak to the driver.
I eventually persuaded him that the best place for him was the passenger seat, and I would take him home. He was still very mellow about the whole thing, asking me if I would join him in a few spliffs. I declined on the basis that, like yourself, I've never tried the stuff, and don't particularly want to.
To date, that's my only experience of someone on the weed at a driving wheel, but I daresay there are worse. It was amusing after the event, but a trifle hair-raising at the time. -
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WOW!!!!!!!!! That is hilarious!! I'm glad you got home safely though. You should write about that!! (:
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Very good story line. To the point, and a very valid point. I had to giggle (and agree) with your witty observation on how stupid people shouldn't take drugs, or if they decided to take drugs, to read a manual before doing so.
However, your story's fluidity is interrupted by a (purely technical) confusion of their, they're, there...that's it...my only criticism (and really, it's fucking minor) to this piece.
Worthwhile read and entertaining despite brevity.
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LMFAO!!
Oh, wow. That was funny as hell. Were you high when you wrote this? The thoughts are everywhere. xD
I loved the tickling law and the Chitty-Chitty line.
Nothing to suggest in bettering your writing, unfortunately, but there were a couple grammatical errors that I saw. lol I'm still chuckling a bit.
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YAY! Finally. Made someone laugh (: No, not high. Never been high. Not lying either...no reason to lie on the web. I'm just sheltered Christian homeschooled kid. The baby on the beach is cute by the way (:
Please share the grammatical errors!! (: I'm constantly committing those. -
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Yes~ And laugh loudly did I.
Sheltered, eh? You got the highness down proper enough. xD
--If it's not their already, put it on the books!
(Their should there)
--The idiot stoners at my school all talk like their doing hard narcotics when really they're just smoking weed.
(Their should be they're)
That's it. Nothing serious or too important. -
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Oh gosh!! You're right. I'm writing like my brother now. He's there-impaired. I can say that because he's talented a photography and programming and science and it's all I hear about
Haha I really really haven't been high. I wouldn't lie. I would proudly say "yes. In fact, I have some weed between my mattresses right now." I am kind of jacked up on Robitussin though.
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xDDD
Nice. Robitussin for the Win~
I haven't either. Been drunk, but not drugged out. xD
Unless anesthesia counts.
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