Cross in my Mind

guys i'm takeing this story off because it became more than i'd plained and i'm sorry.1

Laying here in the grass is nothing new but the feel is always the same. No matter what day or season it is. it still feels wonderful. The wind, the smell, the way everything stops criticizing me for all the things i've done or the way i feel towards certain things. i hated people. i hated myself....but the winds have been blowing differently and they wanna change me.2

There you were, different yet the same. i could see what you hid deep down where it was safe to have. i knew you were like me. Somehow you really were, yet you were happy and surrounded by people who seemed to love you. i only knew my family cared and at least most appeared to love me. i knew God loved my stupid self and to me that's all i need.3

i sat there in Sunday school, trying to be small in the room of 10, but i was good at that by then and had no trouble until you came in. i had to look down. For the first time i HAD to look away. You sent a shock through me and i was lost in reasons why.4

You sat beside me, and i chanced a look at you, and got a smile. At first i was in a daze and then i felt myself smile back. i felt so many things come to life in the seconds it took to smile. Things i hadn't felt in so long. 5

"Hi," you said, your smile still there. 6

"Hi," i replied, my voice a little off owing to i hadn't spoken but 20 words sense 7 o'clock this morning. 7

it was so simple. The words to our conversation came to me so easily, and i had my humor back. No pain and the controlling feeling of being alone. For some reason you made me feel like a normal 5th grader should. Hipper and happy. Not lost and depressed.8

That half an hour flew by so fast i verily had time to think let alone figure out what the teacher had just taught. You had taken my full attention, and by the time we walked out i knew you're name, that you just switched churches, and that you were one of the funniest people i'd ever met.9

i didn't wanna leave you, and when you went to sit with your mom and dad i wanted to follow but i sat with my grandparents again, my mind rushing with things i didn't get at that point in time. None of the feelings i felt made sense. They were all so new and the fact that i felt anything was new in itself. 10

i glanced up at the ceiling and sighed heavily, asking God to answer my question; what this meant, but it was silent as usual. i knew my silent, unspoken words would get to his ears eventually and he'd answer somehow.11

Church ended before i could sink into my usual state of listening to our Baptist preacher. i was in a mess by then. i couldn't take a thing in. the preacher's words had flown through one ear and out the other, nothing sticking in the middle.12

"Ready to go Gerty?" my grandma questioned, and i snapped out of my daze and nodded. i glanced back at you, determined to keep you in my mind, but you were gone. My heart sank so low i felt it move, but i put on my mask and followed my family out and into the sunshine that made no difference to me right now. i'd rather it be dark and cold instead of sunny and warm. 13

i glanced up to see you standing right there before me on the opposite side of the road, getting into a truck, dress blowing around your feet. i felt my unusual smile come back as you waved good-bye to me. i waved back and watched you drive away out of the corner of my eye as i walked towards my grandpa's truck.14

The cold i'd just had consumed me warmed slightly, and i let it show. i wanted you to know the effect you had on my bruised, remains of a soul. You NEEDED to know.15

The warmth didn't last long and i was soon back in the place that caused most of my hell. i was sitting quietly on my "Bed" in the kitchen, trying to read a book, which i'd been trying to do for a geed couple hours. But this house was a zoo and it was pointless to try.16

i looked up at the orange glow on the carpet from the setting sun and felt the want to feel happy come to me again. i saw your face, and was over come by unexplainable feelings. i shook my head, tried to read once more,but i ended up putting in the red milk crate that held half of what i owned.17

School was just as bad, well at least a little better. People at least gave me a little bit of a chance before jumping in to cut me below the knees. But they were still bad. Really bad.18

i didn't go to my grandparents house for almost a month and that meant no church for a month either. i was actually ready to go back that Sunday morning, and at least the fake smile had some feeling behind it.19

You were there when i walked into Sunday school, and the smile on your face made me remember half the reason i'd made it through the month in one piece. i smiled back and sat on the cold, folding metal chair beside you.20

"i haven't seen you in awhile," you said. i shrugged, and said," i don't live with my Dad so i can't come all the time, and it's good to see you."21

Good. Good was an understatement. it was great. Wonderful. nerve wracking if you think about it. i was back where i wanted to be right now: in your presence. 22

We separated like before after class, me to my family's pew, her to her family's, but i had my eye on you half the time, sending you smiles that spoke a million words without meaning to. You returned them all and i stored them in my heart where i knew no one in the world could take them away.23

it seemed to continue forever and ever, seeing you then not seeing you for what seemed to be a life time. But then i was told we were moving again, except this time it would be to you. i would go to school with you. See you every day. 24

i fell back in the grass and smiled, wondering what it would be like to have total freedom for awhile. To have someone who could help me escape my torment. it was a wonderful thought.25

There had been a lot of wonderful thoughts in the past half a year, lots and lots. We no longer lived in the hell hole i was forced to call home for so many years, and had an apartment, which was now full of boxes. i had friends who cared, 4 good friends. And i understood. i now understood why you make my body quiver. i was in love with you and i knew it for a fact. 26

There had been two of my friends who'd helped put it into definition. i was a lesbian and i was meant to be that way. it all made sense after that. it explained why i didn't look at guys very much anymore and always had you on my mind. it all fit too well....But the more i thought about it the more confused i became. Would people hate me for the way i feel? Would they shun me worse than before? Would this fix my problems or make them worse? But loudest of them all was would God shun me? Would he still love me? i knew only too well what the bible said about homosexuals. i'd gone and read all the verses i knew that talked about that that day i figured out that was what i was. i couldn't bare the thought of God kicking me out for the way i was meant to be even though i believed in him with all my heart. But that's what the bible said. My friend told me that God would return unto how he was told, which meant he would come back different, but it still made no sense.27

i saw you again one Sunday morning. i'd been late to church so there had been no Sunday school for me. i sat in the back of the sanctuary, eyes darting around for you, and then there you were, running towards me.28

i glowed, was blazed with warmth as you hugged me tightly to you, and said," i missed you. Where have you been?"29

"Everywhere," i said as you let me go.30

"Really."31

"Yeah, but i'm moving up here."32

"Really! Wow you get to go to school with me.....that's scary but hey, at least i'll be able to talk to you.....wanna come sit with me?"33

"Yeah," and i followed you to your family's pew, leaving my dad to fend for himself.34

We passed notes all through the sermon and i let you know. i told you i was gay, and you took it so much better than i thought you would. i was shaking all over when i wrote those words and you seemed to notice but didn't say a thing. i was just glade you weren't mad at me by the end of church.35

We hugged and separated, and i was stuck with my thoughts again. What would happen now? 36

Even though i'd take on a new lifestyle i didn't feel any different. i still felt cold and alone most of the time and i still had unanswered questions that itched at my brain day in and day out. i always managed to get rid of them for at least a couple hours out of the day and to me that was like happy hour.37

My small family soon moved and  i was scared once more. i'd moved so much already and i wanted nothing more than to never have to do it again, though if i seriously wanted to, me and my mom could be professional movers. We moved 15 minutes.38

i'd stayed in the house we were now moving into before a number of times so it wasn't a total stranger to me. it was my mom's new boyfriend's house. it was weird to see her with somebody who wasn't mean and gave me and my brother the chance to make something right. 39

i crashed on the squeaky couch that night in my sleeping bag, staring at the ceiling and thinking of you and your beautiful face and glowing smile that showed your soul. i wanted to lay down with you instead of being here alone in the dark with nothing more than the sound of snoring. Course that was like my freedom fantasy. You would never like me the way i liked you. Never, and the truth hurt me like it always did. i began to hate the truth and all that gave it to me.40

i didn't see you again for almost two months and when i finally got to you i was a mess of nerves. i wanted to hold you tightly where i knew you wouldn't leave, but i was a coward. Just like normal.41

i sat with you again this time and we passed one or two notes before your mom told us to put them away. it wasn't until then that i realized how much our parents were alike. Our moms were uptight sometimes and had tempers not to be messed with, and dads who were laid back and let you do just about anything you wanted.42

"i'll see you first day," you said as church ended.43

"Be there. Bye."44

"Bye," and we separated. i was a little down, wanting my hug that i hadn't been given. But i was counting down the days until school started. Two weeks. Two weeks until you'd be there all the time and i wouldn't have to worry about the next time i'd see you.45

Those Two weeks were the slowest in my life. They didn't seem to want me near you where i was happy. But they had to come and when they did, i would've jumped with joy.46

i was caught in the mass of students in the seventh grade hall. i knew there was gonna be a lot of kids in my grade but this was small. i was used to the mosh pit of students  in my old school where the building was too small. Here things had gone down in population. 47

i wove carefully through the people and to my locker which seemed to be right in the middle of everything. i got shoved as someone ran passed and my body was thrown into my now open locker. i braced myself for the pain and had that sense of relief pain gave to me.48

Almost all my classes were with you, which made my fragile heart scream with joy. Among the fact i'd be with the person i loved but i wouldn't be alone. i'd have you until i made another friend so i wouldn't be alone when you were gone. Some one like the friends i'd had to leave behind when i moved here.49

i sat at my desk on the opposite side of the room as you and found it hard to keep from smiling and laughing as the teacher talked to me directly. She seemed to be getting madder by the second and i recoiled. The teacher seemed so mean on the top and it made me remember so many things. Like Tim and Kris and all that stuff in between. 50

Classes with you were better than i thought they would be and i was happy most of the day....well until i had to leave and go home to that quiet dark house. it was one of the things that reminded me of me. Silent and not really alive. That's how i felt.51

it continued, every day getting a little better. i felt so alive and wanted. More than i'd ever felt before and i loved it. There was no one there who knew the way i used to be so no one could cut me down for the people i used to hang around with and for knowing i was gay. Or for the people they accused me of liking. That was in the past, and this was now.52

i was getting my courage back, though not as much as i used to have, but i had some. All the criticizing people had done over the years had worn it away. i'd become reliant only on myself. Some of that was probably from living with my mom, but the other half was from being tossed around. At least i could rely on you.53

i lay alone on the back porch, listening to the neighbour mow his small yard, eyes on the cloudless sky. i'd been there for almost an hour before i sat up, coming to a conclusion. i was gonna tell you. i was gonna tell you i loved you. i knew there could be consequences, but i didn't care. As i'd laid there all i could see where the good points, but as i walked through the back door, i became conscious to them. What if you didn't like me back? What if you leave me and never speak to me again? What would you do?54

i wove down the hall and into my room, not even turning on the light. i fell across my bed, breathing in a breath as my tears consumed me. i was used to crying but i hated to. You could only cry so much over things, but my well of tears wasn't dry yet. i wished it would so i wouldn't have to feel so much more like a coward than i already was. i didn't wanna be caught crying anymore.55

i rolled over and shoved my face into my pillow, letting myself cry full on in private. i clutched it to me, imagining you were there holding me.56

imagining was one thing i did a lot. i imagined that all that the world had done to me hadn't actually happened. That the other girl i liked hadn't've left. But about you....it was hard. i couldn't see you holding my hand or kissing me or anything. All i could see was you holding me. That was only cause you'd done it before. There had been a head on collision in the hallway and you'd pulled me up and into your arms.57

i moved on to my side and looked out the window. The guy had stopped mowing and was walking over to the window ledge to retrieve his shirt. He pulled it on, and went inside.58

Shaking my head and whipping my eyes, i sat up, knowing if i didn't tell you it wouldn't matter if you liked me or not cause you wouldn't know. i didn't wanna hide from you any longer.59

i was a nervous wreck by morning. My mom thought i was sick or something because i'd spent all day locked in my room and didn't eat super. But i knew if i went out there she would try and dig something out of me. i didn't wanna talk to her about this. it wasn't something you talked about with your mom. Besides, she, like the rest of the family, would slaughter me if they knew i was in love with you. i'd be six feet under and you would be extracted from my heart.....but i decided you could never leave my heart.60

i somehow kept composher as i handed you the note i'd wrote last night. i'd spent hours figuring out the right words to say what i wanted to say. i still hadn't been fully satisfied, but this was close enough. The second i handed it to you i ran out into the hall and to my locker, wondering if i was gonna find my small shred of a breakfast.61

Just as i closed the locker door with a clang, there you were. i drew in a breath, waiting to hear the wave of furry come pounding down on me like hail, but it didn't. You were silent, just staring me in the eyes.62

"i'm not gonna yell at you. You should know that," you said, and i let my breath go.63

"So you're not mad?"64

You shook your head, and said, "No, but i'm glade you told me. i needed to know how you felt. Friends don't hide."65

i nodded and reserved a hug. A warm, long hug that i never wanted to come out of, but i let go.66

"Come on, let's go before we're tardy....again."67

all that had been on my mind the rest of the day was, did you like me back? and what does this mean to you? i was lost in thought, and knew when i got home that i'd fucked up my math test. i didn't care. i was one step closer...or one step back...i wasn't sure.68

i fell onto my bed and prayed to God to tell me if he was mad at me for what i'd done. What i felt. it was one of the times i wished he spoke words to me. i wanted to know i was right for once, but i got my silent answer and cried.69

There wasn't a change until the end of the week when you handed me a note. You didn't leave, but stood there firm before me, face unreadable. i looked from the folded square in my hand to you for a few seconds before reading;70

"i've been thinking so much lately about what you wrote to me and it makes sense. it wasn't til now that i really figured out what you mean to me. What i feel for you...i love you and i can't explain why. i've never felt this way before for another girl, but hey, there has to be a first for everything. But i do love you and i'm willing to give this a try."71

i looked up at you and was met with the most wonderful smile i'd ever seen. i light up all the way through. it was actually coming true. You loved me back. YOU LOVED ME BACK!!! i wanted to jump for joy. i wanted to throw my arms around you and hold you forever. But i contained myself and smiled back, wondering what would happen next.72

i didn't know how i slept that night. i was in pain from my stomach when i went to bed but the second my head hit the pillow...out like a light. The next morning all i remember was my mom pounding on my locked door. i'd only locked it because my brother has a tendency to tromps in whenever he feels like it. But it also happened to be one of the things my mom hated.73

Like usual, i avoided breakfast, and walked to school, leaving my brother to get on the bus alone. i needed to keep moving so i wouldn't flip out anymore. 74

it was kinda cold out that morning, and the coat i had on didn't help a lot. i still shivered constantly as i walked, but it was hard to tell if that was nerves or just it was that cold.75

You seemed happy when i walked up behind you at your locker. You gave me a smile, and said," Hey."76

"Hey," i replied, giving a smile of my own, and leaning against the abandoned locker beside you where i moved to sit on the floor. You looked at me for a second before turning back to your locker.77

i was used to this by now, and as long as the owner of the locker i was leaning against came back i wouldn't have to move for another couple minutes if i was lucky.78

"You ready to head in?" you asked, slamming your locker and making me jump through the roof.79

"Let's go," and i stood with your help, and went into class, trying to clear my brain as i sat down in my seat and tapped a pencil. All my brain did was torture me and i was beginning to hate it.80

it was a good week before i was invited over. i was hipper all day that day. My mom was to wrapped up in the fact that i was happy to be suspicious. When you and your mom pulled up in the truck you so often disappeared in, i actually gave my mom a hug.81

i bounded out the door and up to you, which was by the open door. You had your smile on and i returned it, hopping into the back seat. You got in behind me and pulled the door shut and the seat back.82

i smiled once more, and looked out at my mom, who was speaking to yours at the porch. They seemed to be hitting it off okay, so i slid my hand into yours and entwined our fingers. Our eyes locked for a few moments, each speaking a thousand words of love. it was getting harder not to just lean over and kiss you. Like i'd wanted to for so long, but i couldn't. Parents.83

We arrived at your house, and went inside. i'd been here many times before and knew my way around, all though i still didn't get half of it.84

"Come with me," you said, and we walked off to your room. i was overcome by your now common smell, and smiled deep inside. "My room's a mess, so just ignore it."85

i nodded and slid my arms around you from behind like i had so often before, and pulled you tight into me. You entwined our fingers and kept me there.86

"i like it here," you whispered, turning slightly so you were looking me in the eyes.87

"i like it here too."88

We stood there, cradling each other, until the sound of coming people drove us apart. i went to sit on your bed and you went to mess with something on the other side of the bed. it was another relationship full of hiding, but i was willing to hide forever to keep you.89

The night pasted slowly, and as bedtime drew to us, we changed into pajamas, and i took advantage of a closed door. i moved up to you and cupped your checks gently to let you know what i was doing, and i let my lips touch yours.90

i knew it was a poor kiss. You hadn't been fully ready, and i felt like a bad kisser, which i found out was a lie, not to toot my own horn, but that's what all the people I've ever kissed have said.91

But the fact that i had just kissed you after all those years of wanting nothing more than to have you love me back.....it was like being electrocuted, and sent to la la land to live permanently. it was better than so many things. it was just that powerful in me deep down, though it probably sucked on the top.92

You looked at me, face slightly gone, eyes locked on mine. it was one of those faces i could read. it was happy, yet a little shocked. Well, it looked that way anyway. i pushed the fact i wanted to kiss you again out of my mind, and pulled you into a deep hug.93

"i love you," i said quietly, eyes closed.94

"i love you too," you replied, snuggling closer, and letting out a warm breath on to my chest. "i love you so much."95

"You know i do."96

We soon curled up in your bed, and watching a movie, but i couldn't pay attention. i was still out of it, and i wasn't planning on coming back for awhile.97

i held your hand all through the movie, wishing i could shut the door and kill the lights, so i could snuggle, but your mom terrified me. 98

By morning i had made out with you 3 or 4 times and was to gone to care about anything but you. i just kept remembering the feel of your lips on mine, and how forceful you could get and i was sent higher. i shivered at the memory of being pinned down as i looked out the window.99

The sun had only just started to rise and the sky was orange. Birds were yelling their morning song and Tiger, your cat, was curled up on the porch. it was somehow different from home. Some how it really was.100

You sat up in your bed, and smiled at me, saying, "Good morning baby." 101

i smiled back, loving the way you talked to me now.102

"Morning," i said, sitting on the edge of your bed as you fell back on the pillows. i entwined our finger s and began to absentmindedly run my thumb over your hand. it all seemed so right. it all FELT so right.103

But was it? That question crept back into my mind, and made me drop my head slightly. That question was always there. i'd talked to my ex about it before one night and she'd said God loves all of us for who we are and that some people were meant to be gay. That soul mates could be male and male, or female and female. God made us, and he'll love us. i believed her and it too felt true, but drought always hung around my door, making me hurt, but i just went on believing....and lieing. i'd do anything to keep you. i'd prove to myself i wasn't guilty just so i could focus on being what you want me to be. You meant more to me than so many people, and i didn't care. God would except me in his own time.104

We went to church that morning, both tired from a lack of sleep, which was familiar to me. i didn't get a lot of sleep anymore. i never really have. Sleep was one thing i could live without for a few days. Course that was old news now. But we sat there, me feeling more and more guilty. You didn't seem to out of it about it, but i knew my God was mad. He had been sense i first started dating other girls. He hated me in a way. i could feel it, or maybe it was  just me.105

i left your house about 3 hours later, and went back to my house, wondering if my mom would start questioning like she usually did. Every time practically. She didn't do it all the time nowadays, but you never know.106

i sat at the kitchen table on a bar stool, sketching on a wrinkled piece of paper i had found in the basket by the bay window. Everything was in that window, even my sleeping cat. Course during the day that's all Chester did. Then he was a blob of energy.107