It was cold. The icy wind cut through her viciously, like a blade. It whipped the snowflakes up into a frenzy, and they spiralled through the air. They came to rest upon the branches of the old oak trees. 1
The moonlight shone down on the field that lay before her. It illuminated the snow, the white, immaculate snow. 2
It was so cold.3
She sat behind a tree, huddled in the snow. Elizabeth had told her to wait there, and so she would. Katherine was a good girl. It was all part of the game.4
She was not afraid. The snow was white – the colour of purity, of innocence – her grandma had told her. Everything would be okay. She was coming back. Her mama was coming back to play with her. 5
The sky darkened.6
She felt so stiff, so frozen, as if she had become one with the snow, as if the slightest blow would shatter her into a thousand tiny snowflakes. 7
But you could trust the snow, she knew that much. It didn’t burn like the sun, didn’t drown you like the sea. Snow was gentle, soft, and could be whatever you wanted it to be. With her small hands, she could shape handfuls of beauty. She was in control. For once, she was the boss.8
Soon Elizabeth would join her, and together they would play in the snow. But until then, Katherine would wait, patiently, as she had been taught, for she was a good girl, and Elizabeth was coming back. That’s what she’d said, and her mama didn’t lie. 9
But it was so very cold. Her fingertips felt like icicles. She clutched her knees even closer to her chest, her breath creating soft, white clouds in the air. 10
From the street, headlights glared, and Pete’s car came to a halt beside her. 11
Katherine saw him hurry out of the vehicle, a worried crease upon his brow.12
She would’ve run to greet him, but her legs were too numb.13
Instead, he ran to her, horror etched onto his face. 14
She looked up and smiled weakly. “Daddy! Have you come to play too?” 15
♦♦♦♦16
It was warm inside Pete’s magna; Katherine wanted to curl up and sleep. 17
“Where’s your mama?” he questioned her.18
“She went that way.” She pointed to the woods. “But don’t worry, Daddy. She’s coming back very soon.”19
“How long has she been gone?” He stared at her intensely. 20
“I dunno.” She stared back dumbly. “A long time.”21
Pete gazed out at the woods. “Sweetie, darling.” He took her hand. “I don’t think Mama’s coming.”22
“Of course she is.” Katherine smiled knowingly. 23
“Katherine, it’s past midnight...” 24
“It’s my birthday; I’m allowed to stay up!” she declared.25
“No, I mean, Lizzy – Mama – would’ve come back by now.” He looked down at her sadly.26
Katherine’s face contorted into a snarl. “You’re a liar!” She pulled away from him, throwing open the car door, and stumbling across the snow. She dashed into the woods. Maybe Elizabeth was waiting for her in there. Maybe it was all part of the game. Maybe. 27
“Mama!” Katherine called for her, her voice hoarse. “Mamaaa!”28
She ran deeper into the forest, leaping over the roots.29
And then she saw it. She saw her. Elizabeth was stiff, her dark hair contrasting with the surrounding white. She was so still, her delicate body sprawled across the snow. The crimson snow. The blood glittered violently upon the floor of the forest, piercing her eyes. The waves of red consumed the white, spreading until all the purity, innocence, naivety was gone. 30
Author notes
Okay, I've changed it... again. This version is in third person, and I've cut off the first half that just seems to confuse people ^^
[In comparison to the first version] I believe that this one adds a new dimension to the plot, and it stays true to my preferred style of writing.
If you like this, please take a look at chapter one too ^^
http://storywrite.com/story/250476
Thank you for reading 
I'd appreciate commenting involving:
- Does it engage you, make you want to read on? (even though I know most of you won't )
- How do you feel about the main character, Katherine?
- Are the descriptions good enough?
- How does it leave you feeling?
A contest entry
- Prologues and Chapter One - Beginnings by Forgotten Anomaly.
1300 points, ended February 19, 91 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Welcome to my world by Vampiric souls.
350 points, ended March 21, 86 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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Again, woah. And, again, I thought it was powerful.
It definatly makes me want to read on, I want to find out how the woman died, why she left her child and what connection the father of the child had to the mother.
It makes me feel that Katherine is very unfortunate to be I such a situation is she is so blissfully naive and unaware of the real world. Possibly not anymore, I suppose.
I love the descriptions, especially 'The blood glittered violently' because, to me, 'glittered' is so positive that using violently to describe it just creates an awesome effect.
This piece definately leaves me wondering, wanting to read on.
Hope it helps :]
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I hope people aren’t advising you to change your style of writing
. You are a gifted writer with a knack for creating action that your reader can ‘See’ happening. You had me shivering right along with the little girl 
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The child’s trusting nature as she waits for a mother, the reader senses is never going to return, could make a ‘Stone’ cry.
Very emotional scenes, even the father finding his abandon child was well drawn. Katherine fleeing into the woods, and then locating her mother’s body, was the perfect hook. It left so many unanswered questions a reader is
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I think you were wise to switch to the third person; that’s is much easier than the first person.
You’ve had so many comments on this, that I’m certain any small problems have been more than pointed out. Then to, I didn’t come across anything that caught my attention and made me stop reading.
Geri
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Thanks so much for commenting! ^^ I really appreciate all the kind things you've said here
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Very nicely done, Elfsong. I'll admit, I definitely felt like I was reading a fantasy story until I hit the headlights part, which was a bit jarring - but I think it was more my fault than yours. Nothing you wrote precludes a modern setting.
The first section was definitely my favorite, and as it progresses you get the feeling that something is very, very wrong. Nice job creating tension.
I don't really understand why Peter didn't rush out to look for the mother as soon as he heard she was missing, as it seems the logical thing to do when faced with a missing person. I'm not sure why he simply assumes something horrible happened.
The imagery at the end was vivid, although I think you could paint an even brighter pictures by leaving out some of the adjectives - violently, visciously - and letting your descriptions stand without them.
Very well done, Elfsong. -
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Thanks for your suggestions! You have some very valid points here that I will certainly address ^^
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Great
Another great story, good grammar, great spelling
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wow
This was really good I did enjoy it a lot. And Yes I do intend to read on with the next chapters. And about Katherine I feel so sorry for her, what ever happened to her mom and her walking in on that, must have been devastating! This is so sad yest so captivating and makes me want to read on. Keep up the good work.
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Thanks for the comment =) I'm very glad you enjoyed it
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np ^^
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I haven't read any of the other versions of this, but to me it seems very natural, not refined and then refined again. Very nicely written. I can see that this is your preferred writing style because it doesn't sound awkward or contrived. It flows very well.
I like the contradiction about the cold and the snow. The cold is harsh, sharp, like a blade; but the snow is soft, gentle. This displays the naivety of youth, which you mentioned at the end.
At the beginning, I thought that it might be fantasy...then came the car and I thought definately not fantasy. My problem was that I could put it anywhere or anywhen - but that's just me. This makes me nervous as a reader, but I'm sure that others would enjoy the (unintentional?) mystery.
Anyway, I do like it - very much. Will check out Chapter 1 when I find the time.
xxx
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Thanks for the comment! ^^ The element of fantasy or mystery was certainly unintentional. I'm not sure how that happened
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It's probably just my mind expecting fantasy because that's what I normally read!
xxx
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Nicely written, I'm impressed!
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Wow-wow-wow!
Definitely leaving me with a feeling bittersweet injustice here! such a tragic scene in front of a seemingly delicate daughter. somehow, I already love the father...dunno why, lol. You have a very powerful narrative voice, young lady, and you use it well. I can see your skill in things as simple as skipping a line at the right place, in order to enhance the tension. not to mention your seemingly endless vocabulary. This scene was beaituflly written, and your descriptions were amazing. It's hard to say what I feel about Kat--I haven't seen her interact enough, and I expect her behavior to change from what I've seen so far. I'll keep an eye on this, you talented writer, you.
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Awww thank you so much! You're making me blush ^^
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very well written...i love how you make sure that the color white is carved in everyone's mind...making way for the waves of red...really some great potential there...keep it up!
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Thanks for commenting ^^ I like that concept quite a bit. I think I'll expand on it a little
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This is very interesting!! You have created an interesting idea!! Thank you so much for entering!!!
Souls!!
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Wow. This was really rivoting! For a re-write, this was excellent! lol Keep on writing.
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Thank you ^^
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So many questions... no answers.
I do hope you keep on writing Chill untill every question is answered because, I'm waiting. You're writting is amazing.
You can hold the attention of a reader and leave them wanting more.
I like this third person writing style, works very well for you.
Have a nice day
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Thanksss Ralzy. Sorry for subjecting you to all that.
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This makes more sense, I'm sitting her thinking that I know I've read a story by this same title but it was differnt, then I saw my comment way at the bottom of the page and realized you had changed it but I had read this before. I like this one better. You have wonderful imagery and your characters are very viberent and captivating. I wonder how it is the mother died, what happened? Where are you taking this? Fantastic. I'm off to read chapter one now!
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Thanks for commenting
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This prologue is well drawn with a lot of action and just hints to what will occur in the coming story. It takes hold of the reader’s attention and sparks their curiosity. I could ‘See’ your characters and watch the activity taken place. The dialogue mixed in nicely and sounded natural.
Odd
how they went from rain to snow and ice by car in a short period of time—but I’ll wait to see grin. Hold it! they must live in Upstate New York 
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Apparently the Mother died; the father’s reaction would leave one to surmise she deliberately caused her own death. So why did she leave her small child alone? Lot’s of unanswered questions to look for in the coming chapters.
Geri
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Nicely done! Oh, but so depressing.
I loved the innocence of this, straight from the child's point of view. Yet we still knew what was going on with the adults. Very well written!
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thank you for the comment ^^
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great work- the rewrite of the prologue is still as intriguing as the first time I read it.
Only mistake I caught-
With my small hands, I could mould handfuls of beauty.
mould=mold
Overall, beautiful imagery in this and good write.
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Thank you so much. I didn't catch that one
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Interesting
Very solid...it draws you in.
Good job writing in first person as a child...that's always tough but you managed to capture her voice really well without being excessively baby-talk ish. -
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Thank you for commenting
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The title caught my eye. You put me on the edge of my seat. I love the suspense you created and I will definitely keep reading this.
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You caught my attention with all the questions this raises! It's a nice start, if a little confusing.
KW~
beginning: 4, language: 4, characters: 4.
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It is a great start, I cant wait to read more of it.
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Whoa, it's so short...I want more! Fabulous job leaving so many unanswered questions. If anything, I'd suggest putting in a few more details here, though, that don't give away too much. It's just really, really short, and there's not a lot to interact with.
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Interesting Start
You certainly captured my interest and have left me wanting to read more. Good start. Good writing. I look forward to reading on.
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Cliff-hanger! A very nice prologue, it definitely caught my interest. Only suggestion I have to offer is in paragraph 10, if you'd like you could delete the comma after "stalking me" - not quite a grammatical necessity, I don't think, but it might make the sentence flow a bit better. Apart from that, nothing to critique. Can only tell so much from just this excerpt, but you seem to have a strong and plausible narrative voice, which is always a plus.
I enjoyed the intro and will be sure to read part one =)
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Nice tease....
...and well written too, uhoh, trouble brewing!
Thank you for the visit and the comment...
amicus...
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i love it and i wil definitly read the next chapter. it caught my attention right from the begging. well done and good luck writing this
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wow thats grea
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Very Good
The beginning really draws you in, it make you want to try and figure out what's is going on. This prologue is well-structured. Just one teenie little thing bothered me: Probably, probable, probable. I think you might want to find an alternative word for one of those. Other than that I really like this story so far. Good work!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Paranoia or is it real? A very short yet captivating prologue. I'm use to the feeling that someone's watching me, I can be completely alone and I'll still look over my shoulder every five minutes, glaring at the door. Very well writen, I shall read chapter one later, as it is in my conest, but for now thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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