It was dark in the train station. Dark like what you get in movies where you can see everything, but slightly less light than day. Out of the darkness two figures appeared. They were both of the middle persuasion. Average height and weight, average hair colour, middle class clothes, middle aged and middle class jobs. 1
Stopping by the railway tracks, one figure, James, turned to the other, Jim, and said, ‘This is it.’2
‘Yes… yes it is…’ said Jim, staring doubtfully at the tracks. 3
‘Wha’s the matter?’ asked James snidely. ‘Chickenin’ out, eh?’ 4
‘No…’ said Jim slowly. ‘I’m just not sure it’s such a great idea.’ 5
James looked at the track, and then back at Jim. ‘Mate, it’s a brilliant idea. Me and my mates play it all the time in Poland.’ 6
Jim didn’t reply. It wasn’t that he was scared… well, it was - he was petrified. Pissing on electrified railway tracks was not his idea of Saturday night fun. He supposed the plus from being this nervous was that it made you want to take a leak real bad…7
‘Jim,’ said James, draping a friendly arm over his friend’s shoulder. ‘How about this, we’ll up the bet, in your favour. You win, you get 100, I win, I get 50. How’s that?’ Seeing the look of doubt was still on Jim’s face, he added, laughing, ‘I mean, it’s not like anyone could get hurt!’ 8
‘Oh fine. I’ll play…’ said Jim grudgingly. 9
‘Yah! That’s my man,’ said James, giving him a hearty slap on the back. 10
Jim offered him a pained smile. 11
‘Ok, the rules are quite simple, the person who pisses closest to the tracks wins. If you hit the track, you lose. No funny penalties for hitting the track, you just lose your money,’ James said, winking at Jim. 12
They both faced the tracks and unzipped their flies. 13
‘Gentlemen,’ said James, imitating a starter, ‘get ready… take your aim… fire!’ 14
Jim started off nice and far away from the tracks, with the plan of working closer. James, on the other hand, did not. He started quite close to the tracks, but not quite hitting it. Jim had to admit, he did have pretty good aim. 15
Then James decided to show off. ‘Look, Ma!’ he exclaimed, taking his hands of his dick, ‘No hands!’ 16
His trail of urine got too close to the tracks… and hit it. 17
There was a flash, a strangled scream and James toppled forwards like a felled tree - that is, if the tree had been a person and zapped itself on a 750 volt railway track. 18
Jim stood, a little trickle of piss making a trail down his pants as he stared in shock at his crispy fried friend. 19
‘Crappit…’ he whispered, before turning and bolting. It was a graceful retreat, apart from the dick hanging out of his pants.
Author notes
Based on a true story. Hehe, I always wanted to say that.
http://www.mailonsunday.co.uk/news/article-1037177/Polish-tourist-killed-urinating-750-volt-electric-railway-line.html
Anyway, just a little something I whacked up for Blondie's Behind the Headlines contest. Enjoy. 
In a list
A contest entry
- Behind The Headlines by tallblondie.
650 points, ended February 4, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything. Also, there's a lot of music. (Again) by VariousSingularity.
400 points, ended February 18, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Welcome to my world by Vampiric souls.
350 points, ended March 21, 86 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - MY TOTALLY FREAKIN AWESOME HILARIOUS CONTEST OF DOOM, DEATH, AND AGONY!!!! by Patchwork Comedy.
1000 points, ended October 20, 53 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
An honest critique that is helpful is the best type.
Comments
1 - 58 of 58
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This was awesome!!! And I dont usually laugh at things like this but I'm laughing my head off...makes me feel a little sick a twisted, you know? lol
-andi
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You should have gotten 'Gold'. To be able to make such a mundane idea into a funny story, when what happened is really sad
. Three cheers for the Aussie—or are you English 
.
You best tell Trish them guys weren’t kids
but a couple of silly middle aged men.
Geri
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Unbelievable what kids will do!
I've heard of some pretty stupid stunts, but this is a new one. With all the ways there are to die, it's a shame someone is always looking for a new way.
Very funny story.
Trish
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Hahahaha I love your writing its so funny. And I bet there have been guys out there that have tried this. I could probably name four. xD So very creative work. loved it and keep it up.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Tee hee! I couldn't help but immediately think of the Mythbusters episode where they busted this myth! The problem with liquids is, they tend to break apart into drops rather than remain in a stream, by the time they get to the rail. No continuous stream, no current.
That said, it had to have happened somewhere at least once, to become the myth in the first place, right?
p16 hands off his
I also liked the way you described the men as everymen. This could be anyone. Death stalks us alllllllllll, mwa ha hahaaaaaaaaaaaa...
Or not. It's a dark and amusing story. I bet Death chuckled, too.
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Well, as I said, I took it from a newspaper article of someone lying toasted on a track. Though, being no witnesses, be a bit hard to tell if he was taking a leak I guess. That said, taking a leak on an electric fence sure as hell gives you a bit of a shock. So I suppose if the shock made you loose your balance and fall on the track...
Glad you enjoyed.
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Nah... you could tell--the smell would give it away and your character unzipped
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Heh, heh. Pretty amusing, especially the last part.
I smirked at the mention he was from Poland and then laughed to find out he really was. Go figure.
And how often can you honestly say, 'Based on a true story.' *laughs*
Nice 'elaboration' on the article.
Greg
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Hey Doozer,
Got a good chuckle out of this. (as I'm sure the God of karma did too.)
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I so saw that coming. It's always the one who thinks its all fun and games who dies. Well, rightly so, sometimes.
I love the line about him falling like a tree, if a tree were a person... That line is just so in your style of writing, I probably would have recognized it anywhere.
It makes me laugh how the other guy just walked away calmly. Perhaps you should have him mutter something like "I knew it..."
Much love,
~Nika
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I recognise this writing style
haha thanx for entering you have a very black sense of humor. Keep writing! -
Dude this is awesome lol, i should totally try it sometime!jk, you sure do have a great sense of humor buddy. Keep up the good work!
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hmmm... I have the strangest feeling of deja vu... I wonder why (XDD) and.. HOLY SHIT! IT SEEMS LIKE I HAVE COMMENTED THIS BEFORE!!! I MEAN LOOK! THERES MY PICTURE RIGHT THERE!!!
lmao, as I said earlier, great read XD -
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Aye. A little voice recommend your contest, I listened to it.
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OMFG...
OMFG...
OMFG!!!
I was attracted here by the title because well.... you shoudl go read my contest, teh one that is currently open... I have a list of phrases and words taht should be put in and such... or should... for brownie points( ) well, thing is, barely anyone listened to the put them in part, and .... 'Look ma, no hands' was one of the phrases...
so really, you didnt hear this from me, but I think you should enter it in the contest XD
if you do, best of luck
great write by the way ^^
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I have to admit, when you started that contest and the phrases weren't there I did enter something. xD But haven't been back to it since you put the phrases up. *surreptitiously pops by and has a look at the contest*
Glad you enjoyed the story, thanks for popping by and reading, commenting *cough*notlettingmeknowaboutthecontest*cough* and applauding. ^___^
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friggen! this is awesome! XD
i love the whole thing, it made me laugh...i'm still laughing
anyways, realllllly good story, i love it i love it XD
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Funny
lol, this was really funny. I was laughing the whole time while reading it. I knew something like that would happen to him, was just waiting for it to come. I thought it was hilarious how he bolted leaving his friend behind, all crispy and fried. Hehehe
Good luck in the contest. (: -
Ok this is really well written and very funny!! and unexpected... So so good
thank you so much for entering!!
Souls
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this was actually funny...where did you rent your sense of humor from? i want one of those and trade in this one that i have...
"They were both of the middle persuasion. Average height and weight, average hair colour, middle class clothes, middle aged and middle class jobs."
excellent!! -
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Rent? Naw, I nicked it from some kid in the street who was using it as a blanket.
Glad you enjoyed.
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Haha
Man your stories are friggen hilarious, this isn't an exception. Its like a challenge with some douche bully, and the douche bully tries to show off and gets killed cause of it. Always love to see "justice" like this in stories. I wonder though, will he win any darwin awards?
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Haha, did someone tip you to these couple of stories? Seems pretty insane you managed, out of all my stories, to pick the two head twisters.
Anyway, glad you enjoyed it. That's a thought, wonder if he did get in Darwin awards... will have to keep an eye on the site, see if he makes it, heh.
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Dude. This is awesome.
I don't know how you manage all these funny stories. You're either highly skilled, or completely insane. Either way, this is awesome.
On a lighter note, or should it be an 'electric' note...I can relate to this, 'cept for the whole dying part, you know. I pissed on a electrified horse fence once. Come to think of it, it wasn't as funny as this. Not for me anyway. But, my buddy had a pretty good laugh. He says, 'it'll shock that shit outa ya.' I say, 'that's a bunch of horse shit, watch this.'
I also stuck a screwdriver in an electric outlet when I was little, because my mom told me basically the same thing my buddy would (albeit about nine years later)...I've had a lot of bad run-ins with electricity...
Wanna hear some more electrifying stories?
You get brownie points for giving a warm and fuzzy nostalgic moment in my otherwise crappy life.
Good for you! I'd give you a fatherly and undoubtedly creepy pat on the back if you didn't live roughly 3000 miles away. -
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Well, I like the sound of highly skilled, but I think insane would probably be more accurate. So I think a mix between the both and 'gifted' might sum it up.
Heh, that reminds me of the time my younger brother was touching the electric horse fence and not getting zapped, so I, thinking it was off, was telling him not to touch fence like he was, 'cause it wasn't a good idea. My downfall came when I went to show him how to test the fence, and it turned out to be on, and I got a zap. Everyone else thought it was hilarious, and looking back now, it was. But it was sooo annoying that he managed to get it in the off tick. >.<
Oh, my older bro did something like that with the power socket. Him and power don't mix. He shoved a wet wire in a live socket, he blew it up. xD
*Is have warm, fuzzy nostalgic moments himself*
Glad you enjoyed it!
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Roflmao. This was really hilarious, but moreso seeing as it is based on a true story! Your imagery was great - um, maybe too great in certain areas as the retreat still lingers in the back of my mind. Your writing is always good for a laugh and is quickly becoming a favorite to read. Keep up the great work.
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Hehe. Glad you enjoyed it. It's great to hear I haven't lost my touch for humour. Heh.
Yay! Another fan! I like fans. Thank you muchely for taking the time to read.
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You're absolutely welcome. You had me hooked at the rewrite you did of Hamlet. This one is almost as hilarious. I always look for your stories when I need a smile.
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I just love it to bits now that you've shortened it!!!!!!!!!!!!
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OMG...I am really starting to love your twisted sense of humour!
This was great! You painted a very vivid picture...perhaps too vivid, given that I am still picturing the 'graceful retreat'
I noticed only 1 typo:
Para 12....Ok, the rules are quite simple, the person who pisses closest the tracks wins.
--I think there should be the word 'to' after 'closest'.
Anyhow...really good writing and really funny stuff!
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That is the dumbest idea for a game!
I actually didnt think it was possible to shock yourself by doing that. Based on a true story? Anyway this was very funny. The only thing i didn't like about the story was the ending. I think you should have left of with his "gracefull retreat"
Great write,
Bret -
Quite amusing and well-written!
However, I would have ended it without the explanation at the end - I feel it would have had more of an impact that way! -
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Thank you.
Yea, I know what you mean, but I wanted the feeling of 'authenticity' of it. And the fact that without it the story was only 300 words long.
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Cool story
I pissed in a plug once... no shit.
I was only three or so, but I still remember it hurt like hell.
Haven't a clue why I did it.
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Hahaha. Ouch...
My older bro went and stuck wet wires into a live plug. Blew it up and gave himself the fright of a life.
I bet you don't piss on anything live again.
Glad you enjoyed.
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Pity. Pity. He should have known better, but that's a male stereotype for you: always wanting to be macho, and prove something to himself if not to someone else--no matter how insane it is.
Still, makes good for some humor! Wow, this was hilarious. What a way to die!
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Good
The was a clever ending... explaining to the reader what happened.
My only suggeation is change the characters names because that got confusing.
Lynnbeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Hehe, glad you enjoyed.
I ain't changin' the names though. They're supposed to be confusing and the same, that's part of the humour. Lucky I didn't have Robert and Bob. I almost did.
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That's....
WOW.
lol
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I went for the shock factor here.
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No hands, haha
Reminds me of the times when dad taught and retaught me how to use the bike (I shouted that to my mom... promptly before crashing on the pavement or asphalt, haha) but yeah, only, this had peeing and death in it
Great story - I would have written something less "creative" (I have difficulty writing humor), so I applaude you and give you a congratulations for winning the silver *claps*
Thanks for sharing this I enjoyed, in case you can't tell.
P.S. I thought it WAS proven on mythbusters? It's not the distance or the pee itself that kills you, but the current? But meh, I'll have to watch it again, haha.
P.P.S. I read and reread.. and realized that gawd, I just laughed at some guy's expense x.x
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Hehe. Glad you enjoyed it. Yea, that line is very popular right before the downfall.
Hmm, I really need to get my mind out of the gutter and write something 'clean' again. Before my family really start to worry about me.
Well, if it was proven, I guess it wasn't proved right. Or they didn't try piss on a 750volt train track. xD But yes, that's a true story, the guy peeing on the track. I guess it goes to show that Mythbusters ain't always right. *shrugs*
Thanks for reading, commenting, applauding and enjoying.
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I always thought this was an urban legend, maybe because it was busted on mythbusters once.
This was well written enough I couldn't find anything to pick apart.
good luck in my contest. -
One thing men enjoy on some primitive level is unrinating in places that are not restrooms. We also pride ourselves in accuracy, the ability to hit small objects, and being able to write our names. This story, while funny, will make me think twice about any of those activities. Let the guilt of tat knowledge rest on your head.
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Very sad, but also kinda funny in a sick way. Sorry I have very sick humor. The story was very well written and since the fact that you wrote the back story behide and actually story its very interesting. Great Job! Thank you for entering my story and Good Luck!
-Grim -
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No apology needed! This was supposed to be funny. I likewise have a rather sick sense of humour, and I wrote this for a contest of someone who also has a sick sense of humour. So sick humour all around!
Glad you enjoyed it!
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Ha..ha...ha...Well, if one already knows about such things then fun can bring harsh penalties. Funny writeup! Thanks.
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What is it about the statement, "Look Ma! No hands!" and the incidence of insanely idiotic male behaviour? I've been around my fair share of guys that have said that line and then greviously injured themselves in some way.
Good use of the prompt with a darkly humourous piece - but then again, I expected no less of you. I really didn't see any glaring grammar errors - and even after another quick read through I can't really see anything that needs be changed. The only slight nitpick was that the anology you used at the start didn't clearly express the dark to me (but then again, this could just be me.)
I smirked throughout the read and laughed at the not so 'graceful retreat' - I could just see what that must have looked like. I would almost suggest using the cliched 'in shock he zipped his fly up so fast he caught his...', but I dare say that may have detracted from the death of the other character too much.
Overall, an entertaining story.
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Hm... That was... sick?
Although partly true. Which is pretty sad.
It was awesome funny like anyway!
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LOL Wow. That was pretty funny.
It was pretty good writing, straightforward and got the point across, easy to understand and picture. A little more description would be nice, but as a whole, not really necessary for this piece.
I agree with IrishYndina on the background comment, but with a comedic short-story piece, I don't think caring about the character is really warranted. lol
Great job, you brightened up my work-morning.
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Come on, Danny - with a headline like that it's almost too easy! *laughs* Still quite hilarious, though.
I have to say, I really enjoyed your description of the two men at the beginning - two men of middle persuasion with, technically, the same name. I always knew men got stupid when there was competition involved, though. *laughs*
The only constructive criticism I might offer is that we don't get much of a backstory on these two guys, which makes it a little hard to care about them. Of course that whole empathy thing isn't always necessary in humor - so sue me.
Thanks for the morning laugh.
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I know, I know. But I've been suffering from mind blank (humour seems to have gone walk about too), this was just to see if i could still write something funny. It's still blacker than I'd like, but I wrote it for Blondie, so it had to be.
I was gonna name 'em Bob and Robert, but I decided I use Bob too often, so changed it.
Wow, that the only thing you can pick out? *feels proud* Does this mean I'm getting better? xD Anyway, I don't want you to feel sympathy for them, that'd kill the moment. >.< So yea, I likes it like that.
Welcome for the laugh.
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ROTFL
xD
This was SOOOOO funny! Normally, I don't find such things humourous, but this time, oddly enough, I did! [must have had too much coffee or something] >_>;;
I think I read something about this too...hm.
Anyhoo, again, HILARIOUS story, Dan!
[see? see? I commented...]
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Glad you enjoyeded it.
Coffee is good!
Yus, you commented. Woot! *me lieks comments* So thanks for reading and commenting, and applauding.
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This sorta incident was in some program or other about weird news ... I'll have to look it up -
But, hilarious job, mate. You've done it again. Made me crack up over my Fruit Loops. (Don't bother asking why I'm eating Fruit Loops at four in the afternoon ... )
The story's well told, and nice use of characters, me thinks - not going overboard with description and the like, just the event - which is hilarious.
Pissing on a railtrack ... Oh lordy.
And a little jab at Poland?
Good stuff, old boy.
RJ
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The news article bit was in that. I wrote the story behind it for Blondie's contest.
Glad you enjoyed it. And fruit loops sound good, I think I preferred my roast pork though.
It was a Pole in the newspaper article, so no, no jabs.
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Oh my God. o____o I think I actually read this in the paper in England once...this is just so odd, I have no words.
- HT
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You probably did. The newspaper article is quoted. Apart from a couple of points which I removed to help with story flow. You can find the article in Blondie's contest.
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