The Inevitable Death of Adam Billington

Nothing will ever compare to the moment I first killed someone; the way the blood spilled into such pretty patterns or how the knife sliced through the skin so easily. How I felt the life slipping out of their body, and that moment of complete freedom, the power that I had never before been able to feel, and I knew that there was one less ungrateful human then there had been before.1

But, the feeling disappeared as quickly as it came, and I looked upon the lifeless mortal with such hatred burning in my empty soul. I, who has felt nothing for eternity before, felt rage and envy that can not be described. For I knew that I had doomed that good-for-nothing human to nothing worse than heaven, to the “All mighty” God who loved him so, while I was to be sent back to Hell, hated by him for the rest of eternity. 2

It was predictable that Satan would sense this in me, and in result, he made me his own little hit man, making me end the lives of the innocent, upholding the essential balance between good and evil to make sure that earth stays in order, and everything is how it should be. That is the law, held by both God and the devil. But, in every person I killed, I saw in their eyes something that made me hate them more feverishly then I had before. For before their death, they looked at me and I saw a life wasted. A life full of worry, sorrow and blindness. To me, who had nothing except Hell and hatred, that was a sin worthy of death. 3

It was not unusual when Satan called upon me, and I rose from the fires with my knife at hand. “Demon,” He murmured, for demons have no names, “There is a man by the name of Adam Billington whose life must be ended. You shall be sent to an Ice cream parlor, and wait for him there. Be gone.” 4

I felt the relieving sensation of being lifted into the air and land on earth. I was familiar with my human form. I was very tall with pitch black hair and black eyes. I wore just a black shirt and some dark blue, denim pants. I was standing in deep snow, and facing a small, cheerful building. The streets were barren, no one wanting to be out in the frigid weather. Church bells rang harmoniously close by. I glared at the ground, the familiar hatred filling me. Without looking up I walked up to the small parlor, ignoring the taunting sounds that rang in my mortal ears. Inside was full of warm light and bright pink and yellow colors. Everything that was typical to an ice cream shop. Business was slow, I could tell. The parlor contained only a woman, her daughter, and three employees. My eyes quickly scanned the room, examining the men’s name tags. There was a skinny red headed boy, about 17 years old if I were to guess, he wore the parlor’s uniform, a white shirt with dark yellow and light blue stripes on it, ‘Ben White’ I read, The only other boy in the room was older and had dark hair, his name tag read, ‘Bill Marsh’.5

Irritated, I walked over to a booth and sat down, staring intensely at the door, waiting with my hand on my knife. 6

About ten minutes passed and no one came and no one left. I began to feel more and more impatient, the intense desire to spill blood become more and more fervent. 7

“Excuse me,” A voice rudely said, I swung my head around and glared at him “What?” I growled.8

The person who had spoken was Ben White, and upon my reply, he turned quite pale, which sickened me. Humans were so damned cowardly. “S-sir?” He said “A-Are you gonna get any ice cream or not?”9

“No.” I grumbled.10

“Then, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.” He said, “You’re scaring the costumers.” I looked over and saw the distrusting face of the mother and her daughter gazing at me.11

“Ben, Ben, Ben.” A new voice suddenly murmured pityingly. A new face showed itself as he grabbed the nervous employee, “Why pester this fine man? He seems quite innocent to me. After all, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with sitting around. You do it quite frequently yourself. Now, run along and man the cash register. This customer is just important as any other and I simply will not stand for you calling judgments. Now shoo!”12

“But… sir, he’s not a customer, he’s not buying anything.”13

“I said shoo! Be gone!” exclaimed the newcomer, and Ben obediently hastened away. “My apologies,” He said, turning to me. I looked down at his name tag, Stephen It read. It was a manager’s name tag, larger then Ben white’s or Bill Marsh’s. I looked up at him. He was moderately tall, and was probably about 24 or 25. His hair was in desperate need of a hair cut, and he had grey, smiling eyes that seemed to be looking right through me. I quickly diverted my gaze. “You see,” He continued, “I’m afraid this restaurant has undergone some new management, and some of the employees are having trouble adjusting.”14

I did not answer. Truly, I did not care. My job was to kill Adam Billington, not converse with obnoxious managers.15

“So,” Stephen continued, completely unfazed by my lack of reply, “Is there anything I can get you sir?”16

“No.” I muttered.17

“You waiting on someone?” He asked.18

I glared up at him, “That’s none of your business” I growled.19

“Sorry, sorry,” He apologized, “I feel bad though, I was going to give you something on the house”20

“I hate Ice cream.” I said, beginning to get really irritated.21

Stephen laughed.22

“What’s so funny?” I asked.23

“Nothing, I’m sorry,” He laughed, “You're just so blunt, and it seems strange that you would sit in an ice cream parlor if you hate ice cream. But then I thought, ‘I don’t like ice cream either, and I own this place. So who am I to judge?”24

I glared at him again. “O.k.,” Stephen sighed, “I’ll leave now. Sorry for bothering you.” And with that, he left.25

I waited some more, becoming more and more impatient as the minutes ticked by. But soon, an hour went by, then two. Very few people came in and it seemed that they became even more numbered as time passed. After a while, I noticed, the employees began to leave. 26

I suddenly began to get nervous, and I glanced uncertainly at the door.27

“Excuse me, sir?” It was Stephen again.28

“What?” I asked, making my voice as savage as I could, trying to scare him away.29

“I’m afraid the parlor is closing, This Is Ironic isn’t it? But I’m afraid I’m, going to have to ask you to leave.”30

My eyes widened as a new emotion suddenly entered my chest. Fear. I stood up, not sure what else I could do, and without replying I walked out of the ice cream parlor. I could feel his eyes watching me from behind.31

The air had grown colder, and I found myself completely at loss as to what I was to do next. I could have killed him, but that was not my mission, if I were to kill him so I could stay inside the parlor, I would be breaking Satan’s rules and be punished severely. But if I left, to go find refuge somewhere warm, I would also be punished because I would not be following orders. I was already probably going to be chastised. Adam Billington was not dead. I scanned all the people I had seen in my mind. I made sure to hear every name. Usually, I am confronted by my victim ten minutes after I arrive at tops. Where was he?32

I immediately resolved that leaving was out of the question. Perhaps there was a reason I was being made to wait. So, I sat down a dry area and waited. I couldn’t say what happened in those hours I was conscious. All I knew was what was around me. The soft white snow that covered the world like a blanket and the, the sky above was such a lucid black, with crystal-like stars glimmering about me. After a while, my eyes grew heavy. I was not used to this, for demons do not sleep, but I closed my eyes, and I dreamed. I dreamed of killing, I dreamed of blood, and I dreamed of death.33

* * * * * * * * * * * * *34

I woke up to the sound of a car. I jolted awake quite suddenly, not used to the sensation. At first I believed that perhaps I had killed Adam Billington. But, when I saw the familiar face approach me, I remembered the strange events of the night before.35

“Are you still here?” Asked Stephen, walking up to me.36

I stood up, finding that my body had become extremely stiff, and numb. I was light headed, and my stomach had a strange gnawing feeling to it.37

He quickly went to the door and unlocked it, then, much to my resentment began to help me in. 38

“I don’t need help!” I spat, tearing my arm from him violently, and I quickly stormed in and sat down at the same booth as I had the night before.39

He walked in, confusion evident on his face, then went in to the kitchen. He returned soon after with some doughnuts, a blanket, and some coffee, and handed them to me.40

“Are you alright?” He asked. 41

I felt hostile towards him and his kindness, but my aching body told me to accept it. So I reluctantly took what he was trying to give me, and wrapped my freezing body in the warm blanket, and began to sip on the warm coffee. 42

“Are you alright?” Stephen asked uncertainly, “I didn’t know you had no where to go…” He diverted his eyes, “I would have… you know, given you money or something to stay at a hotel if you had told me.”43

“Please,” I spat, “What would make you think you could help me? Besides, there are so many people on this damned earth that you wouldn’t even glance at.”44

“That’s not true.” Stephen said, “If they had come here and needed help, I would have been happy to help them.” I rolled my eyes and took another sip of coffee. But something unusual happened at that moment. I felt something in my chest ease up, and the intense hatred I had felt for this boy was beginning to weaken.45

“You see,” He continued “If I did that, Then It would be helping one person, and maybe in return that person will help somebody else and so on.” 46

I frowned and looked into my cup, for a moment, “Keep wishing kid.” I said at last, watching the steam spiral out, “huma- th-the world isn’t good. Everyone is miserable because they can’t seem to find what’s right in front of them. They fail to appreciate what is there…” It felt weird, saying those words out loud. I found that I could not finish my thought, why would I be saying this to a human? I hate humans! But When I looked up at the boy, it was not hatred that I felt, and suddenly, I felt empty. Not like I had before, but like there was a hole missing inside of me. Something that needed filled… 47

“I’m not miserable,” He said confidently. “Sometimes, I can feel down, but I’m not miserable over all.”48

I do not believe this would have had any effect on me if I had not looked into his eyes, and saw warmth; warmth that I was not accustomed to. Warmth, that made me question myself. For the first time in my life I realized that perhaps it was me who wasn’t seeing what I should have been. Perhaps it was me being jealous… envious of the mortals who had everything I could not have. I looked at the table, mind spinning, greatly disliking this new idea.49

“Adam,” A voice suddenly said, Ben white came into the parlor50

I was startled. Adam? Adam Billington? I shot up to my feet to see where my victim was, but saw that Ben was looking at no one other then the boy who sat across from me.51

“A-adam?” I asked “B-but your name is Stephen, right?” I asked, feeling alarmed.52

“What?” Stephen asked. “No… Oh.” He smiled “my uncle just retired and I wore his manager’s tag.” He laughed “I guess I thought it would be more important for people to know I was a manager then my name. Sorry. I’m Adam Billington”53

I looked at him in horror, my hand flying to my knife. But when I looked into his eyes, I failed to see what I had in the eyes of those before him. My hatred did not grow, in fact, it disappeared all together, and suddenly my mind was filled with confusing thoughts that I could not understand, and I realized that I could not kill this boy.54

I turned and ran away. I knew that there was no where I could hide. I knew that Satan knew, as I ran, that I was not going to fulfill my mission. Any second, I would be sucked back to the depths of hell, and another would take my place, while I was doomed to endure the torment that was once only for man and their blackened souls. 55

I was surprised when I suddenly found my self standing outside a church. I looked at it with longing; I suddenly felt loneliness. I felt guilt, I felt sorrow, I felt pain. I felt… I felt… like a human does, and like a demon never should. 56

I spent the next few days in confusion, Hatred and evil, the love of death and killing colliding with what I now felt; lost, lonely, miserable, and scared. As each day passed I waited for my punishment, but it never came.57

Finally, I went back to the ice cream parlor, and was startled to see it closed. My heart began to sink. Adam Billington… it was his fault that all this happened. It was him and his damn kindness… his happiness. I looked away from the ice cream parlor and turned around. I was surprised to see Ben White standing behind me.58

He went up to me, with the sorrow that I hated so much in his eyes. 59

“What’s your problem?” I surprised myself by asking, my voice had lost its edge, its fury. Now, even as I tried to sound cruel, I only sounded weak.60

“He’s dead.” Ben White murmured. 61

“Who?” I asked62

“Adam Billington.” He answered63

.I started at this, “What?!? How? What happened?” I asked. 64

“He uh… he killed himself. He kept raving about dreams that he was having. He didn’t say much about them.” Ben glared up at me, “It happened after you left. What did you say to him?”65

My heart stopped, and I felt myself begin to tremble. I did not answer, I did not look up. Instead, I turned to leave. I walked until I got to the church again, and, looking up at it with hungry eyes, I fell to my knees and began to pray to the lord who hated me. I couldn’t think any more, I couldn’t see anymore, I couldn’t breath anymore. A demon can not feel such things, and because I now did, I was overwhelmed, I had no where to go. 66

“Child.” A voice whispered. A voice full of good, a voice full of love, “Satan’s child… why do you pray?” 67

“I’m sorry.” I whispered back. Tears ran down my face, “But I’m afraid… I’m confused. I’m sorry… I’m sorry.” All I could say was I’m sorry, what else was I to say in the presence of God? I, who had always done wrong.68

“You are forgiven.” The voice whispered.69

“How can you forgive me?” I asked, “I am born to kill. I am made to destroy what you have made. What you love.”70

“I am God, and I am your father as well as the human’s. I love you as I love them. My son, If you wish to come to me I will accept you with open arms.”71

Pain ripped at my heart as these kind words fell upon me like fire. Love. What is love? Can it truly be as unconditional as this?72

“Help.” I whispered hoarsely, “I can’t take it anymore. Please… help…”73

“I will relieve you.” He said. “But, you need to accept the relief.”74

“Anything” I murmured.75

“The law, although, must be upheld. You were supposed to kill Adam Billington.”76

I hesitated, “He is dead. He killed himself.”77

“I am aware. Do you think something as natural as death can stop me? You are my son, just as he was. Now my demon, if I turn you human, do you swear you will be happy? Do you swear you will see beauty in what I have made, and always try to give my children a smile? This is all I want in return for the heart I am about to give you. The soul you will have to store these emotions.”78

“I swear.” I murmured.79

************80

I was born about 25 years previous to that moment. I came out screaming and crying, oblivious to anything that had happened. My mother looked down at me with love that I had never known. "What shall we name him?" she asked my father.81

He hesitated, "Adam," He said. 82

She smiled, "Yes, welcome to the world, Adam Billington."83

Author notes

^_^ this version has been more recently edited, and I wish to make it betteragain. If I have missed any grammatical errors, please tell me. I was told in one comment before that I had my then/thans mixed up in some places. I did not see any, but if you do, I've learned my lesson about those two and am eager to fix it.

I hope you liked it, this is a much different story from what I usually write, and I am considering making a skit based on it so that me and my friends might act it out. Did you get the ending? some people don't when they read, so if you didn't, say so and I'll be happy to explain. ^_^ thank you very much for reading, tell me whatyou think.

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Comments

1 - 40 of 40

  • HypnoticHeart
    November 18
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    You did have your then/than mixed up just a wee bit like in
    "and I knew that there was one less ungrateful human then there had been before." then was supposed to be than. Here's a helpful tip. In a sentence like "The dog is hyper 'than' the cat." Than is used for comparing. In a sentence like "He drank out of the cup then poured the rest out." Then is telling what happens next. Other than that it was great. Loved it.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Farhan
    November 15
    ?
    Edit | Reply

    Fantastic!

    Dark, emotional, intriguing and creative all at the same time. I liked the concept the most. But I think that there are some areas in which you can improve. The end was a bit rushed up for me. Effective but rushed up. You could do well by adding some more descriptions and charter details. But still I think that this was very good. It kept me reading. And welcome to the finalists, by the way. I myself have a horrible grammar so I cannot point out any grammar mistakes. Anyways, thanks for giving me such a nice read. Happy Writing and best of luck in the contest.
    Farhan.


  • lesbian-in-love
    October 10

    Edit | Reply
    Wow thiswas dark but really well written. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks so much for entering and best of luck to you in the contest.


  • tsh369 gold member
    September 1

    Edit | Reply
    Okay that was wild, poor deamon (well almost).
    Thank you for entering my contest. Good Luck

    Th.

    a couple of things I thought you might be interested in.
    #4 You shall be sent (to) an
    #33 So, I sat down (in) a dry spot


  • Lauren Noir
    August 23

    Edit | Reply
    "Your just so blunt" should be "You're just so blunt"
    And that's the boring part over

    I found this very interesting, I don't necessarily believe in it, but I don't believe half the things I enjoy! And I enjoyed this, I thought the setting was unique and the characters were good. It seemed not "everyday" but it could probably be applied to every day, which adds more uniqueness to it.

    The plot was very well thought through, and you've obviously planned it a lot, which is very good. So, that made it *drumroll* a Story! Rather than just a series of events and a nice setting.

    Well done, this is very good. Congrats in all the contests!


  • dancer.
    August 22

    Edit | Reply
    CCC Member:

    Your first paragraph brings the author into the story...by giving them a beautiful reason to finish the story. Your first line: "Nothing will ever compare to themoment I first killed someone..." immediately made me think, "Hmm...why did she/he kill him/her? Who is she/he?" That's excellent questions a reader must think when reading the first sentence of a story like this.

    In paragraph 2, you do not capatilize "Hated"

    The middle os this story gave me this tense feeling that kept hanging over my shoulders until the demon knew thatthat man was indeed Adam Billington. I literarly wished to scream, "NO!" He was incredibly kind.

    The end of this story made me say, "Wow." I loved the irony in this story, it stands out and half of my wishes to take it to my Reading teacher and let her read it, she's incredibly interested in irony.

    You did an exellent job portraying the characters in such a short, yet powerful piece. Thank you for postin git on this website so I could read it. Oh, and congradulations on winning all the trophies for this....I'm actually surprised you didn't win more.

    Hope to get to know you better thorugh the CCC. Yes, I'm a member too.




    Best of luck,
    dancer.


    • silent dances
      August 22
      Edit | Reply
      I'm am happy you liked it. Hee hee, I actually think I'm blushing right now. Thank you very much for reading it, If you wish to take it to your teacher, I don't mind. A story is made to be read afterall. ^_^

      Yes, I do hope we get to know one another. I wish I had more time to do things, unfortunatly, I have fallen morbidly behind on writing and reading, and school is about to start up. h well, maybe once school starts, I'll fall into some kind of routine. Anyway, thank you very muchfor reading. I'm very happy you liked it.


  • Andrew Timothy
    August 21

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm, I liked this. It's rather dark, but it leads to a sort of redemption... I don't know - I'm kinda on the fence with this piece. While I liked the idea that even a demon can be brought to...a sort of holy life, I'm not sure I liked the "law" that you had in there... These problems I have with it though are all on theological points, as I'm a firm believer in Christ and God.

    Your story was very interesting, and I'm curious to know what inspired you to write this.


    Some editorial points (I'll give a few examples):

    Para 1: "Nothing will ever compare to the moment I first killed someone[--]the way the blood spilled into such pretty patterns or how the knife sliced through the skin so easily. How[Try leaving "How" out] I felt the life slipping out of their body, ["and that moment of complete freedom" - try dropping this] the power that I had never before been able to feel, and [try "knew" instead of "the knowledge"] that there was one less ungrateful human then there had been before." - the reason why I'm asking you to do these things here, is because they don't form complete sentences.

    Para 2: "...for [an] eternity before..." "...that I had [try "sent" here] that good-for-nothing human to ["nothing worse than" - try leaving this out] heaven, to the “All mighty” God who loved him so, while I was to be sent back to Hell, Hated by him for the rest of eternity."

    Para 3: "...his own little hit man[,] [m]aking me end the lives..." "...between good and evil [no comma here] to make sure that earth stays..." "...and I saw a life wasted[--][a] life full of worry..."

    There's a few examples - you'll want to go through the rest of the story and clean it up. Also, try looking out for "then" and "than" mix-ups. "Then" pertains to time and "than" pertains to comparison.
    One last thing: if you begin a sentence with "but" try leaving the immediate following comma out - it helps the flow.


    Once again, I found this story quite interesting. And I'm sorry if I seemed harsh in my editing, but that's what I do. I'm an editor.

    • silent dances
      August 21
      Edit | Reply
      >< I feel bad now because I gave you such a beency pointless comment while you gave me a great one. thank you so very much.

      To be honest, this story does not entirely express my beliefs. That is, I do not believe that the "law" is the law. Although, I do believe that, no matter what, if you wish to be redeemed, you can be.

      Lol, my inspiration is actually rather unimpressive. Baisically, there was this contest called "kill this guy", telling yuo to kill this dude named Adam Billington. Then I tried to think of an interesting death and in the end, I think I took the contest more seriously than the maker expcted anyone to take it. This is my best (and only) prewrite. ^_^

      No, editing is great, I'm very appy for it. It seems most people just say "this is super good" and leaves it at that. I'm glad they liked it, but thats not helpful (although, unfortunatly it seems at times I do thesame thing *ashamed*

      Anyway, now (or sometim that is) I will read another one of your stories and put a better comment. thank you. ^_^


  • slyly annonymous
    August 20

    Edit | Reply
    Great story! I love the ending, it's truly unique and original. You did a wonderful job writing this,
    Great job =]


  • UsagiDreams
    August 20
    Edit | Reply
    Ok, well written, noticed a couple of errors and it was interesting. Good luck in the contest.

  • Marta gold member
    August 18
    Edit | Reply
    A good story worth the trophies it got.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Valkyrie silver member
    July 12

    Edit | Reply
    Great premise, and fabulous characterization. The ending was a fabulous way to tie this off and give that last-minute twist that I so love.

    I see others have marked out some SPaG errors in other comments; please consider editing your story and addressing those. It'll improve the flow dramatically.

    thanks for entering this great story in my contest. It was a great read.


  • SweeneyTodd-girl
    July 6
    Edit | Reply
    this was really good, and I though the ending was great.


  • u.wish.u.were.emmet
    June 28
    Edit | Reply
    thx so much for commenting on one of my storied=] Your's is great too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  • toolenduso
    June 23

    Edit | Reply
    I can see the reason behind all the trophies this story's gotten you.

    Great job on this, it's an awesome concept and a great twist. The devil isn't really conventionally thought of in the way you present him in this story, so it's quite unique, and sitll multi-faceted. Thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!

    Style: 8/10
    Flow: 9/10
    Uniqueness: 5/5
    Readability: 7/7
    Effect: 9/10
    Lack of Errors: 3/3
    Personal Score: 4/5
    Total: 45/50


  • Elms Apprehended
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    I loved the writing, and the over-all concept of the story!!! Although, I think I would have gone a little more into being born Adam Billington. It felt a little unclear.
    Thanks for entering the contest!


  • Asfand
    June 21

    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful!!!

    I like how you began the story. It's a very effective paragraph that gives insight into the killer's character and motive.

    I enjoyed this a lot! I really loved your concept, your idea, the way everything turned out. I love the fact this ending was so satisfying, so complete. It summed up everything you were trying to say and did it wonderfully.

    I actually think that the emotion you protrayed was actually very good! I loved how a Demon felt pity and confusion and likeness for someone because of their kindness. I think it was a lovely idea.

    My criticism is that it does sort of get distracting. I think you could put in more description, more background, more character. It DID feel rather rushed. I think the connection between Adam and the Demon should have been much more deeper and that connection should take time. First it develops into irritation, than annoyance, than curiosity and then finally eveything that actually happened.

    There were grammatical mistakes and some errors in structure, but I loved it!


    Some grammatical errors I noticed:

    P4 - You shall be sent [to] an Ice cream parlor, and wait for him there --> missing TO

    P7 - About Ten minutes passed and --> ten

    P8 - Excuse me.” A voice rudely said --> Excuse me[,]

    P14 - My apologies.” He said, turning to me --> My apologies[,]

    P15 - I did not answer, Truly, I did not care --> Period after answer rather than comma

    P15 - Adam Billington, not commune with these mortal fools --> mortal fools? You can do better!

    P24 - Your just so blunt --> You're just so blunt

    P44 - Please,” I spat, --> Period after spat

    P55 where I could Hide --> why is hide capitalized?


    You should be proud of what you said in such few words. I loved it! Very, very good! Good luck!


  • iDifferent-
    June 14
    Edit | Reply
    This entry is 1,083 words too long for my contest. I deeply apologize, really. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I will be making a contest for longer works whenever I have the time to read more.

    I will be sure to read this, though, and comment. It looks like a rather interesting piece.

    ♥RayneFall♥


  • tallblondie gold member
    June 10

    Edit | Reply
    Despite some grammar errors (random capitalisation of some words and some incorrect dialogue tagging), this story is both intriguing and entertaining. The ending - and its conundrum premise - is what marks this story apart from most other stories of its type. You built up to the ending well, and though I suspected it, I was still somewhat surprised by it. Well done!

    Thank you for entering ALMOST ANYTHING GOES... if you're 16 and younger and best of luck with your future writing endeavours.


  • MissIndecisive
    June 1

    Edit | Reply
    This was such good writing. I'm very impressed. I really enjoyed. Thanks for entering my contest.


  • Dragonaris
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    Trippy! You might not like the ending, but I sure as heck did! It was a strange thought that a demon could be forgiven, but if it's Satan's child, I don't know how much choice it had. It could be a slave... just another strange thing to ask God someday. Anyways, good write. I enjoyed it alot!


  • hazenswert-liebe
    May 16

    Edit | Reply

    Wow!

    Wow! that was just....whoa... I could not take my eyes off of the computer screen. I am glued to your story it was great i mean the characters the plot. AND the beginning is what got me stuck,it pulled me into your story and the ending is great I couldn't help but smile when i finished this story. Kepp writing =]

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • silent dances
      May 16
      Edit | Reply
      ^_^ thank you for reading it. I'm really happy you liked it. I'm goping to edit the ending... someday... and make it a little less rushed, but I'm, like I said, really happy you liked it. Thanks for commenting.


  • berryhot2
    April 23
    Edit | Reply

    But...

    If he is now Adam then in adams life when he goes and talks to the demon how is that gonna work if the demon is adam??? And if thats not so (the demon isnt alive no more and adam doesn't see him at the ice cream place) then there would be no reason for him to kill himself? Do you get what I mean?


    And see what I mean but loving your story??? You got me thinking deep about it now, lol.

    • silent dances
      April 23
      Edit | Reply
      lol! I'm so very glad you liked it. ^_^ I'm completely flattered. you've caught me in a rambling mood, so BEWARE!

      k, so, to start yes, I am really under 16, I am 15. ^_^ secondly, my explanation to the adam, demon thing is that it's like a mirror reflecting somthing that was into somthing that is. If that makes any sence. I guess to God, time doesn't matter, and the exact same soul can exist at the same time if he wants it to. So, the demon doesn't dissapear, he's just placed somewhere else in a time of the past. His other-self still exists.It's like two bodies sharing the same soul (exept the demon doesn't technically have a body or a soul....) great question, terrible answer, I'm sure. But I suppose the best way to put it this: it's because that's the way God wanted it. I hope that doesn't sound like a short cut, or putting it off, or anything, but God can do anything, and besides, I don't think the demon quite understood either. lol! Sorry if I made your brain hurt. I'm so glad you're thinking so hard about it.

      Anyway, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! for the glorious comment, and I'm really happy you liked it.

  • berryhot2
    April 23

    Edit | Reply

    !!

    And I just noticed that you entered this in a 16 or younger contest!!! That is fantastic that you can have this idea in your head about this story at that young, unless you lied about your age, lol. BRAVO!

  • berryhot2
    April 23
    Edit | Reply

    LOVED IT!

    This was a very well written story. I'll cut to the not so good stuff first. I noticed a few mistakes but I don't have time right now to go back and find them, thats all for the bad. I LOVED THIS STORY. I loved how he went to God and became a person. I am in complete awe for this story. It is definetly amazing, which is what I asked for in my contest. This is definetly one of my favourite stories on storywrite!!!

    Good luck in my contest, and well done!!!
    I dont give clappy's to people who enter my contests, but if you hadn't...three clappy's for you!


  • terror
    April 15

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    Very good dialogue and narration in particular. The first paragraph grips the reader and the first person narration holds them to the end. I like the reflective tone that the story has, particually when describing emotions. Good work.

    beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Avalanche.
    April 13
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    comment from judge of make it sparkle

    very very good. i would judge if their were things to be judged but there was not, very good!


  • Fruitilicious
    April 1
    Edit | Reply
    This was very interesting. Lurved it.

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.


  • ice wolf Greeters member
    March 23
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    This is a pretty interesting little piece. So the demon became Adam?


  • Dr. Psycho silver member
    March 4

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    Good

    I liked it, but the ending was very rushed. To be honest, I really had trouble understanding the ending. Was the demon born human? or did he wish to have Adam born again?

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.


  • Oddems.
    February 17

    Edit | Reply
    Very, very, well done. It was emotional and no major grammar or structure problems that I could see. It's one of the best things I've read - they way you told it and it was just an interesting concept! Congrats, you're a finalist!

    PR


  • luvmcr444
    February 4

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    wow. that's so different from anything i've, like, ever read. it was strange, but in a good way But i'm sorta confused...

    • silent dances
      February 5
      Edit | Reply
      ^_^ here, I'll explain. Adam Billington killed himself right? And the demon has to kill Adam Billington, so, God made him Adam Billington, so in the end, he is still following orders, and kills Adam Billington because he IS Adam Billington and Adam Billington Kills himself.

      I'm planning to go back and fix the ending up a bit, It was sort of rushed and I could have been clearer. Thanks for reading.


  • WritersEffigy gold member
    January 28

    Edit | Reply
    Ooooh. Different.
    But extremely emotional and even more importantly, well done.
    I'm curious though, did you write this for another contest and then adjust it for mine? Because the opening line is the same as was required for another contest.

    • silent dances
      January 28
      Edit | Reply
      yes, I saw your contest first, and I came up with the story, But then I tried to write it, and I tried and I tried, but I couldn't do it. So, I was skimming through the contests, and I saw that beginning and, I was inspired, and I sat down and typed it all the way through in one sitting. But no, This was written spacifically for your contest, technically, I wrote it for you contest, then used it for another.

      Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it.I kinda ventured out of my comfort zone (fantasy,) when making it so, I was afraid that that was a mistake. ^_^ Thank you for reading it.

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