My Skittles

Screaming into a pillow for the past five minutes hadn’t helped. Why should writing it down make it any better? Restless, she stared at her desk. Funny enough, as soon as she sat down and picked up the pen, she could feel relief settling in. Her eyes wide and filled with the unshed tears she’d held in for so long, she wrote.1

Dear you-know-who-you-are,2

Something came over me today. It occurred to me that now that I’ve lost you, I need to say all the words I couldn’t say before. I hope you read this and don’t toss it out like it deserves to be. Things got messy by the end of our relationship and for that, I need to apologize.3

You remember when we were walking down the street that Saturday afternoon? And how you grabbed my hand for the first time? Of course you do. I was flipping out inside, but on the outside I was cool, calm, collected. It’s not my fault I can’t express how much joy I felt when your fingers twined with mine. It was like a piece of me would be eternally happy. Now, looking back on it, it makes me smile. You called me cold. Yeah, I can see why you’d get that feeling. See, I couldn’t jump up and down screaming – holy hell, can you imagine? Then you’d probably ran for good.4

When I told you I couldn’t say it back – those three words that are so simple, yet mean so much – it was because I DID NOT MEAN IT THEN. But when I told you two days later, I had come to accept it. And you called me a liar. To my face. As if I did that every single day … and that broke my heart. I have never felt more torn. I wanted to scream at you. I wanted to wave a “Don’t Be Stupid” sign in your face. I wanted … oh gawd, there were so many things I wanted to say. I did love you when I said it. I do love you still.5

It’s been a while, I know. And there’s so much I need to say. But now, I’m finding that the words aren’t there. They seem hallow. Hmm, I wonder why that is. I guess all I really wanted to say was everything you shouted at me? Yeah, it was pretty much true.6

But I do have feelings. I am not cold. I am, however, deeply and desperately in love with you. Not that writing it in a letter I’ll never send will make any difference. You are too stubborn, I know, to believe me.7

Gawd, how much I wish I could hold your hand again. Just even for a second, because when I close my eyes, the feeling fades a little bit more. What do I do when I can’t feel your fingers in mine anymore? I’ll be too scared to close my eyes.8

I can’t explain what I did wrong or why I did it. Maybe you scare me shitless or maybe I’m just that stupid. But I do love you. I do.9

You are my Skittles, my rainbow, my colour. Now you are gone and it’s all black and white again.10

I miss you.11

You-Know-Who-I-Am <312

Folding it up carefully, she slipped it into an envelope and knowing she would never send it, wrote his address down anyway. Picking up her purse, she decided going to visit her friend might help her. Because the tears that were rushing down her cheeks weren’t stopping.13

She had no idea her roommate would go looking for her, notice the letter on the desk and mail it. She had no idea that he would read it while his new girlfriend was in the next room. 14

And she was completely oblivious to the fact that his heart broke or that bought a bag of Skittles the next day and scattered them on the street. As the rain fell, he watched a rainbow be created and washed away.15