Club Blood

....1

Being revised. 2

This may take a while...3

....4

Emily sighed and said, “It’s our adaptability. Our ability to stay with the culture. That’s why most of the others are stuck in the secluded places. We’re the only ones-vampires I mean-that can go about in practically any society and be anywhere in that society. The others have to stick to their rituals or die. Vampires exist just like everybody else. We‘re just better than everybody else.”5

“That’s why the others are freaks,” I said. 6

I turned the key and the engine growled to life. Bob Dylan started playing on the stereo, ‘Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right.’ I let the song play for a little, before driving down the road toward the sun mankind told us we couldn’t see.7

Author notes


Artruillo and Emily have several appearances in several pieces of my writing, going all the way back to 2004.

The first story they appeared in was 'The Manor of Evale' which I've never posted (first complete story I ever wrote. It's sort of my baby.).


VariousSingularity

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 28 of 28

  • scriptor
    May 31

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    Honestly, there just wasnt enough information here to judge this... I realy dont know where you are going with this


  • McrSAVEDmyLIFE
    May 4

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    Well, this was a good story...it felt a bit cheesy the entire way through though. I think if you spend a little more time paying attention to the details, it might create a better atmosphere. Still, good job.


  • Night Terrors
    April 19

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    This reminds me of True Blood. They had a Club Dead in one of those books very similarly discribed as in your story. I am a huge fan of these books. Vampires are fasinating.
    The Positives:

    A great story very well written. I really enjoyed it.

    The Negatives:


    Great job no issues in this.


    Overall:

    I give this an 6/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering.

    ~*~Apathetic Poison~*~

    beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.


  • Bella Corday
    April 16

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    You got my attention when you used Lavey at the beginning.

    This is an incredible vampire tale. the characters were well defined and engrossing. I like Emily a lot, but the name Artruillo is unusual, as are the characters. This is not your ordinary vampire tale. I would like to see more of these characters in the future.

    Forgot the clappies.

    • VariousSingularity
      April 17
      Edit | Reply
      I appreciate your comment very much. I particularly enjoy having a story called incredible, especially by someone whose read Ducayne.

      There is a sequel in the works, by the way. Though it seems it's going to be very long...





  • WiltedRose0777
    April 14
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    When is more Club Blood coming? I'm dying to read it...


  • Atticus Unanimous
    March 28

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    "And contrary to the current popular opinion, I do not sparkle in sunlight." Marry me? God I loved this. It blew me away. At the beginning it almost reminded me of this other book I once read, but it was just the setting.

    There was once a tv special on people like Emily and Layne. It was really cool.

    Anyway, excellent job. Words cannot describe what I'm feeling for this piece right now.


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    March 25

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    Okay... I'm jealous.
    LoL

    Seriously, this was an amazing read! I loved the characters and detail... and the dialogue was written exceptionally.

    "And contrary to the current popular opinion, I do not sparkle in sunlight. And I particularly don’t have good control of my emotions."

    I lol'd at that so hard

    Absolutely astounding here. I'm glad I dropped in for a read. One of the best pieces I've read in a long time.



  • VelvetWings
    March 12

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    Hello, and thank you for entering my contest.
    I liked the story, but unfortunately vampires aren't my thing. Vampires in modern society, anyway--about the only vampire story I've been completely drawn into was Dracula.
    Your writing style is commendable, however, and your characters did seem believable. I admit in the beginning I wasn't expecting Emily to be a vampire, and I thought she was done for. It was a nice little twist, and she was my favourite character for the rest of it.
    Good luck in the contest.
    ~Sparrow


  • Holey Pastry
    March 8

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    O.O okay, I think I'm in love with your writing.

    If this part wasn't supposed to make me laugh, sorry: "And contrary to the current popular opinion, I do not sparkle in sunlight. And I particularly don’t have good control of my emotions." I think it's because everyone is so in love with those stories.

    Anyway, welcome to your spot in the finals! haha, thanks for entering!

    H.P.


  • amanda vampiress silver member
    March 7

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    Very, very well written...

    I have to say that this would be one of the best vampires stories I have read on this site. Well, at least one of the best FINISHED vampires stories. I was thrown off at first because of its length, but I am glad that I took the chance and read it. The characters were very believable and realistic.

    The plot was unique and you made the story your own. I also liked how you quoted two people, one at the beginning and one at the end of the story. And the parts where you made a reference to a few well known authors, and characters was brilliant. Keep up the great work!

  • Decadent Anomaly
    February 20

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    This is the best piece of vampire fiction I have read in a very long time, ever at Storywrite. It reminds me of something I once heard on a television show, "Vampires are the masters of evolution." Yours seem to have evolved and surpassed most others.

    I was kept enrapt throughout. The characters are fresh and uncliched. Emily and Artruillo, love the names. Will we be seeing more of them?

    You certainly evoked a variety of emotions during this piece. Everything from horror to disgust, and humour. I love the fact you made me laugh. The pop culture references made me think of Patrick Bateman.

    I cannot seem to offer enough praise. I will most certainly be watching for more of these characters.


  • GrimDeath
    February 17

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    Very interesting, never have a read quite a style or form of this version of vampires. Great Visual effects and descriptions. Great Job! Thank You for entering my contest and Good Luck!
    -Grim

  • Persona Dificil
    February 9

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    now thats just effin cool. Im very tired of people falling into this vampire myth culture, and letting what they see in movies become their basis for what a vampire is. I did appreciate the poetic justice in the end as Artruillo msushes emily's face in. good job, sir.


  • CrystalTigress
    February 9

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    oh wow

    thanks for entering my contest i will be rereading everything before choosing finalists so good luck.


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    February 8

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    The plot was great, with lots of colorful characters and distinctive dialogue

    This has some good plotting--could make a great novel.

    Good Morning Wes, hmmm so do you visit place like Club Blood after dark ?

    This unusual vampire tale mesmerized me, I started out thinking that Emily and her companion were a couple of avengers out to rid the World of Rapists and Murderers. It never occurred to me that they were the real Vampires until well into the story.

    The plot was great, with lots of colorful characters and distinctive dialogue that mixed well with the activity taking place. Your writing is easy to follow with the ideas clear and the language fairly smooth. The action scenes moved right along but never felt rushed.

    You require some editing (don’t we all ).

    With the length of this post, and the fact it was so interesting I know I didn’t catch everything. One thing I noticed that you might keep in mind, Dialogue tags—they should like said designate speech. Words like asked, called, squealed, cried and so on fit this requirement and can carry a coma; however terms like She smiled. or He laughed. require a period.

    Club Blood was situated in a New York (City) back alley and was only accessible through a narrow walkway between two large defunct brick buildings.

    Emily had discovered this place three days ago. (Emily? JMHO but by given poor Emily a last name or a designation like girlfriend or boss will keep her firmly in the reader’s mind. )

    She pulled her legs but they were pulled back down by the man. (Incomplete thought easily fixed. She pulled her legs up but the man pulled them back down.)

    He smiled at her, (.) “(That’s) that’s a interesting talent you have.”


    He laughed,(.) “I got somethin’ else you could taste.”

    She said, “ (Do)do you know how much that jacket cost me?”13

    A puzzled look crossed his face,(.) “(What!) what?”16

    Later, while we sat in the car and watched more and more people go into the alley, (Gives the impression that this took place the same day that Emily killed the rapist.) I realized she was right: it was a club dedicated entirely to those we loathed: humans pretending to be vampires. (Then this contradicts that )She had gone in the previous two nights and scouted the place.(You need to either jump ahead by using this as the first sentence; Tonight was a Friday and while we sat in the car and watched more and more people go into the alley, she (said, “I) expected the number of patrons to be in the hundreds. (Or put in a transition paragraph.

    I told her it didn’t matter, that it had to be done. She went in two hours before me, at eight p.m. when the club opened…31

    She had a slight Australian accent,( similar to what Emiliy’s (Emily’s)

    “Well not anymore (.” She),” she smiled.

    I smiled at her, (.) “Jimmy Page,

    She smiled back (. “T), “the song’s almost over.

    leaned forward, still holding my arms, and grinned seductively(. “We’re, “we’re gonna jump again.

    a new song, something called Dragula, (Dracula?) a remix apparently.63

    *What are you doing?* A voice (came or entered from) somewhere distant in my mind.

    We need to know all of (all about)this place before we set to action. 105

    The dance floor was flowing over into the tables (table) sections.

    There was a wall mounted stereo in the wall opposite the bed.(wall echoes and the first isn’t needed.)

    Taking a drink, she said (, “A)“aren’t you going to have any?”133

    I smiled,(. “Y) “yes.”142

    . She gave me a stern look and crinkled her nose,(. “T) “tell me.(?)”149

    I smiled, “um…The Kinks.”152 (too much smiling wall some of those could be grins, chuckles, giggles or smirks.)

    “Do you like anyone whose (who’s) been around after the seventies?”155

    She looked confused,(. “Yes) “yes.”159

    I laughed and said, “(Okay) okay, but you’ve got to give me your blood first.”160

    “What?” (She or better she yelped.) she laughed. 174

    said, “if(I) you’re a vampire, did you ever meet the Dracula?”

    Geri


    beginning: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 4.


  • ThisIsMyWonderland
    February 7
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    This is the reason I created this contest.
    Thank you.


  • FindingParamore
    February 7

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    I've got to say, I'm normally very very picky about the vamp stories I read. I always seem to be disappointed at the end and that's never a good idea, but I really liked this. It kept my attention through the entire thing and that's not an easy thing to do. Um, some of the mind reading between Art...can I call him Art...and Emily was a bit confusing for me, when she said *she's 16 and he's 34*, had to read it a couple times to understand. Other than that I couldn't take my eyes off the screen. Keep up the good work!
    Stephanie


  • Ashlyn Rose
    February 7
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    Extremely long. I don't like the beginning. I like the clubs name But I just couldn't stay in it! Please do not reply to me if you hate my comment!

    • VariousSingularity
      February 7
      Edit | Reply
      ...Ah...I don't hate your comment. Not in the slightest. Well, maybe part of it.

      Couldn't stay in it, huh? What took you out of it? If you don't mind me asking...


  • ToxicBlood
    February 5
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    Sweeet. Excellent details. And I love the strong emotion behind the man.

  • ThisIsMyWonderland
    February 3

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    I always enjoy a good quote at the beginning of the story. It intriged me greatly.

    The first paragraph was flawless. It competley drew me further into the story.

    It kind of surprised me that it was first person. I'd love to see a version of it in 3rd person.

    The Emily part was a bit confusing. Maybe if you reread it and try rewriting a few lines to make the scene more clearer.

    I think you should, just for this website, take the paragraph with ALICE in the begnning and APPARENTLY in the end, shorten it. It is hard, on this site, to read such a long paragraph.

    As far as the story goes. I love it. To take classics and add them into your story is always a plus, especally when you used them as an "anti" example.

    Best original Vampire story I have ever read on this site!

    Please update me if you ever take this story further!

    • VariousSingularity
      February 3
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      I've been wanting to rewrite this in the third person for a year. The original, which I had written three years before this version, was third person.

      I've been wanting to rewrite this specifically because the Emily flashback is so confusing as it is. But, that's the best I could do, and I revised it three times...

      I'm glad someone agrees I should rewrite it. None of the people outside of this site will go along with me...


  • DogsLookUp silver member
    January 30

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    Woo-hoo a great take on vampires hmm, this was kind of weird for me but fantastically written nevertheless! Great characters, plot, and everything else...not sure where you will take this next but I'm excited to find out.

    Ink

  • NightVixen
    January 29

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    Lestat...he was only good for Interview then he turned into a whining mess. The vampires in this story are the vampires I want to read about. They are violent, give into their bloodlust, are not selective of their victims (i.e. only the evil doer), and do not love people. Lately I've only read one other vampire as violent and inhuman as Artruillo and Emily. Thanks for restoring some of the dignity to the vampire.

    Of course you know what they are so...

    This story is fresh and creative. The characters are as they should be and not some vague sketches based on Rice and Meyer. The story stands out because of the creativity and the fluid language. I am glad Nick (Decadent Anomaly) recommended you!

    Brilliant write! One of the best I have ever read at Storywrite!


  • Friesian
    January 28

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    wow

    Extraordinary! The imagery, the body-movement, the dialogue is all very well-written and I LOVE the characters! I also enjoy your take on vampires, very creative! Your writing holds all the elements, imagery, and sensory I could ever have taken it. I felt like I was RIGHT there, watching from the shadows. Excellent job! Really magnificent writing!

    -Lissy

  • WiltedRose0777
    January 28

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    This is the first thing, in a long time, that I've read on AP or Storywrite that's completely held my attention. My eyes seriously locked on my screen from beginning to end. I love that this was a combination of so many things... Satire, darkness, violence, sensuality, GREAT humor, and even those pop culture references. I have to say, the allusion to Twilight and how Artruillo does NOT sparkle made my day (I think Twilight was one of the most cliched sorry excuses for a novel I've ever read...). This was really a pleasure to read. Excellent piece, here.

    (And I was happy to see my name used in a vampire story... "Emily" does seem to fit the vampire persona well.)

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