It was a sunny day. Relentless rays shone down unhindered by office or apartment buildings, and that was because there were none. Katherine had left that merciful shade behind half an hour ago. Slowly, the sound of drivers honking at pedestrians had melted into the perpetual drone of the highway. 1
The sun attacked through the car-window, burning her pale complexion, and she knew she would be red and sore for days. Despite living in Australia, the “sunburnt country,” she had never really liked the heat. In inner city Melbourne, she had always been sheltered from the sun’s harsh glare, safe under the looming skyscrapers. 2
In the driver’s seat, Pete rolled down his window, and the wind whipped up Katherine’s hair. 3
“Katherine?” She jumped at the sound, looking up to meet Pete’s gaze in the rear-view mirror. “We’re nearly there4
She shifted uncomfortably, trying to push away Janie’s doll collection. It was a tight fit – Pete, Katherine and her little sister – in the old Magna. She wasn’t quick enough to claim the front seat, unwittingly condemning herself to one and a half hours squished in a corner in the back. 5
Katherine lost her mother in the move. The old frame that immortalised her long curls framing her smiling face was left sitting on the floor of their house, her house. The furniture and paintings had all been cleaned out, but by some stroke of bad luck, her mother was left behind. Just as time moves forward, she, by the force of nature, was forgotten. Her mama was left behind.6
Pete remembered, for a little while. But then Marie moved in, they got married, and had Janie. Pete was happy, and started smiling his crinkled smile again. Marie was nice enough. Katherine held no grudge against her.7
Now she was pregnant again, so they packed up, and decided to get a bigger house in Ferntree Gully, right under a mountain. It was the same place that movie is set – the fantasy film about the fairies. Fantasy. Maybe Jack and Jill will come tumbling down. Katherine chuckled softly. 8
By now, it was almost seven o’clock. The sun was nearly set. It could be seen far off in the distance, radiating a pale, pink-orange glow that gently melted into the darkness.9
The car pulled into the driveway of a sparkly, new house, greeted by a beaming Marie. It was the sort of thing you’d expect to see in tacky commercials. 10
“Welcome home!” 11
Exhausted, Katherine went to bed early. Her bedroom was your typical display room: one double bed with a white quilt and white pillows, bedside tables, one built in wardrobe and one full-length mirror. Even without the light on, it was still dimly lit, as the blinds were yet to go up. 12
She fell down onto the bed, not bothering to get under the quilt. She closed her eyes, and instead of sleeping under the familiar glare of city lights, it was under that of the stars above, bewildering her weary eyes. 13
♦♦♦♦14
“Janie!” A screech echoed from the other end of the house. “You’ve left a mess on the floor!”15
The culprit giggled in her neighbouring room. “Coming!” Katherine listened to the soft pad of her feet as she trotted away. 16
Katherine had gone to sleep at 10 o’clock last night, managing to slumber erratically until merely 7 in the morning. Rubbing her eyes woefully, she knew she could have slept until at least 10. But either way, the blind-less state of her room ensured that once the inescapable sun dawned, the light would shine on her face, consequently waking her.17
A sizzling sound came from the kitchen, and the fire alarm blared a warning. They’d been there just one night, and it seemed they were already trying to destroy the place. It wouldn’t be very hard to burn, anyway. Once ignited, the excitable flames would undoubtedly make their way towards the walls, which happened to be conveniently coated in a quite lovely, cream-coloured, yet flammable paint. Marie is full of such impracticalities, Katherine thought bitterly. 18
Sighing, she opened her eyes and slid out of bed, wincing as her feet encountered stone-cold tiles. Stretching her arms out, she yawned and cracked her stiff neck. Eventually she stood up, pulled her dressing gown on and opened the door.19
It was then that Katherine smelt what all the fuss was about: bacon and eggs. She knew from experience that it was Pete wielding the saucepan. Bacon and eggs was his territory – his only territory – in the kitchen. 20
Katherine looked nothing like Pete. He had short, straight, golden brown hair, was tanned, and had smouldering, hazel eyes that crinkled when he smiled. Katherine, on the other hand, had almost translucent skin, thick, blonde hair that fell to her shoulders, and the dark brown, penetrating eyes that she’d shared with her mother.21
“Hey, Pete.” She crumpled down into a chair.22
“’Morning.” Armed with a tea towel, he winked at her, before fanning the irritable alarm. “Sleep okay?”23
“Yeah.” Katherine pushed herself up and walked to the window. She opened it. Outside, kookaburras were perched upon an elderly oak, laughing as if something was funny. It was a cliché scene.24
Seeing what she had done, Pete returned the towel to the drawer. “Ah right, thanks,” he said.25
Katherine drew her eyes away from the kookaburras and shuffled back to her seat. “So when will my eggs be ready?”26
“I dunno, depends.” He smiled down at her.27
“On what?”28
“Depends on when you start cooking yours,” he replied, grinning, obviously pleased with himself. 29
“Ha,” Katherine yawned. “Nice one. Funny.” Up again, she took a few steps back towards her room. 30
“Ten minutes, bub.” 31
♦♦♦♦32
The bathroom was so white that it made Katherine’s beige towel suddenly seem out of place. She put it down on the basin next to the shower. She took off her pyjamas and turned the heat on. Pete had said that the pressure of the hot water was very low, that she’d have to wait a while. 33
She stuck one hand in: ice-cold. So she waited. Concluding that she was wasting a lot of water, she bit her lip and dived into the stream of water – the now hot, boiling water. She yelped as it came into contact with her delicate back, almost tripping over in an effort to get out. Cursing, she rotated the cold handle a few times. 34
Seconds passed and steam no longer rose from the water. With exaggerated caution, Katherine stuck one finger in, groaning when she realised it was ice-cold again. She sighed, giving up, and settled for a cold shower, shivering the entire time. 35
“Katherine!” Janie interrupted, banging on the door eagerly. “Breakfast’s ready!” 36
“Okay!” she called back, and turned off the water. Drying herself hastily, she headed to the kitchen, her hair dripping on the white tiles. 37
Everyone was already seated around the table, digging into their eggs. Janie sat next to Marie, swinging her legs happily. She and Janie almost looked like twins sitting side-by-side like that; the two of them had sleek, black hair and blue eyes. Pete sat across the table, watching them, smiling contentedly at his beautiful girls. 38
He doesn’t need me anymore, Katherine thought. 39
She sat down awkwardly, trying carefully not to make any noise as she pulled her chair in. 40
“Good eggs,” she said between mouthfuls. 41
“Yeah,” Pete chimed in. “Henry gave ‘em to us. Nice bloke.”42
Katherine looked up. “Henry?”43
“Yup, from down the road. He’s got a couple of chickens.”44
“Oh,” she said. Losing interest, she returned to her eggs.45
“We’re eating chicken period,” Janie giggled.46
No one bothered to respond. 47
Moments passed. Katherine listened half-heartedly as Janie and Marie chatted carelessly about getting their eyelashes tinted. Her knife and fork clanked down on her plate as Katherine finished eating. “Thanks, Pete.”48
His eyes crinkled. “You’re welcome.”49
Back in her room, Katherine touched her hair lightly. It was still wet. She rummaged through her suitcase, searching for her hairdryer. As she yanked it out, something else came tumbling out too, rolling under the bed. 50
It was her farewell gift – a signed teddy bear – from all her friends back in Melbourne. She traced her finger slowly over the messages, feeling sick in the stomach. 51
Don’t forget about us
Come visit soon!
Love u heaps, forever. 52
They’d made plenty of promises to each other: to catch up, to call, to email… Yet out here, with the unbelievably blue sky, the bright stars, the looming mountain, it seemed she was so far away. They lived among the city lights and music, while Katherine was stuck out here, captive of the green, mossy trees and the lake that was always so still.53
Her eyes stung as she stashed the memory back into her suitcase.54
Curling up on the bed, she pulled her iPod towards her. Instantaneously, music boomed from the earphones. “I don’t wanna get over you…” Katherine sang, smiling softly to herself.55
Someone knocked on the door. “Did you say something, Katherine?” 56
“No, n-n-nothing,” she spluttered, blood flooding into her cheeks. The sound of Marie’s slippers on the tiles faded away and the Magnetic Fields came back on. “’Cause I don’t wanna get over love…,” she whispered. 57
At that moment, Katherine would have seemed like a romantic. But what she really lamented was the evident ending of an era: the loss of security, of knowing what to expect, and taking comfort from it. Despite her outward confidence, the thought of it made her physically ill.58
Ferntree Gully was an alien planet. 59
And she was an outsider.60
Alone.61
The melodrama of it was laughable. She smiled again.
Author notes
This is inspired by a dream I had, and by my good friend who left me, moving to Ferntree Gully. It is very different to my usual style of writing, so I do not hold much confidence in it... So please reassure me, or at least be honest with me. Just comment.
I have also written a prologue to this story, which will, if you read it, give you a little taste of what is to come.
There is now also a chapter two. Things actually start happening and it is a whole lot easier to read than this. Please take a look at it.
http://storywrite.com/story/251630
Thank you ^^
A contest entry
- Prologues and Chapter One - Beginnings by Forgotten Anomaly.
1300 points, ended February 19, 91 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Be the Story You Write, I read - Tell me a story !!! by Ashlyn Rose.
110 points, ended February 21, 53 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - a moving story by daftweejimmy.
900 points, ended March 13, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - All kinds of Stories... Please kill my boredom! by GrimDeath.
600 points, ended March 14, 81 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Welcome to my world by Vampiric souls.
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• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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You have me wondering!!! I wanna know more!!
You have a great idea and have written it so well!!
Thank you so much for entering!!
Souls
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The fact that she lives in Australia and that the book is called, "Chill" makes me curious. What will happen? Will they move or will something odd happen to the land down under?
I really liked this. With the cold of the shower, and how she could seem to get a happy medium, I have a feeling this story will have a lot to do with the cold. I am looking forward to reading more. I apologize for the short comment, but I am in class and don't have much time. I look forward to reading the next chapter when it is put up. Thank you for sharing.
-Savannah
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Thanks for commenting!
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No problem.
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very interesting, the details and visuals were very strong. I like the story plot and would love to read the second part to this story in the near future. Thank you for entering my contest and good Luck!
-Grim -
After reading this and the prologue you really got me wonder what could possibly be happening. I love the descriptive language, I could visualize a lot. Also the story jumped out of the screen. Amzing job and it was really interesting.
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Thank you
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Second paragraph...maybe use "pale," instead of pallid complexion...
Nice strong dialogue, with character patterns of speech...good.
I loved the overall idea. You might want to go more with a more active voice in your writing. If you tell it in the past tense, sometimes it comes out as an expository writing. Think with action verbs. Keep up the good work -
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Thanks for the comment. I have taken all of your advice into account.
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NICE strong opening sentence. The next sentence should be about action...try not using "The...just "Relentless rays...." and to make it more jazzy...use an action verb..."beamed.
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I think it is quite good. cant wait to read the next chapter
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Thumbs up =) Enjoyed this as much as the prologue, and only a few brief suggestions to offer. The sentence in paragraph 5 beginning with "And Janie's toys..." - the initial "and" seems a little superfluous, you could remove it if you'd like. Also, first couple sentences of the very first paragraph feel just a tad awkward, though I can't quite put my finger on why. Perhaps the "and that's because there were none," seems a little out of place by itself.
Those notes aside, I've no real critiques to make. I'm liking the story so far; you have a nice way with narration, adding enough description to keep the story colorful without devoting whole paragraphs to telling us what things look like. The characterization is also done well, and I like that the narrator slightly appreciates the melodrama of her feelings (though they are quite understandable in her situation). Well done; hope to read more of this soon =)
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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No conflict necessary, excellent beginning,,,
You have a lovely and honest flow to your words and descriptions, neither forced nor fabricated, it was as though I could feel the heat and then the cold floor on your feet and hear the smoke alarm.
I think you set the scene very well, almost without effort we know about Pete, her mother and step-mother and family, why they moved and from where to where and we get a little of each character.
You write well...thank you for the visit...
P17 L2 merely=nearly?
Amicus,...
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thank you for the comment
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Funnny the title reminds me of fern Gully a movie I used to watch a lot when I was a little girl. This story makes me want to watch it again. I like it
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Yeah, I know the one you mean. Aussie movie with the fairies ^^
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A very interesting story, well writen. I found this to be interesting and for me a little nestalgic. Your descriptions of her drinking the shower water from her cupped hands was good as was your dialog in the scene of the eggs. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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It's very nice. I like the way you've described how the character feels about her stepmother and new home. This chapter also gave me a clear idea of how you've set your story up--who the main character is, where she is, why she's there, and her feelings.
I tend to give grammatical corrections. Don't mind these if you don't want to--you already have a good story, and I'm just giving you some tips on how you can improve this even more. (I just like critiquing. ;D)
>> I lost my mother in the move. >> While I like the way you treat the frame as her mother's sort of representation, I think this sentence throws people off in the beginning. Usually, people think that losing people means that they died. However, when you read the rest of the paragraph, we realize that it was only her mother's picture that disappeared, not actually her mother. As much as I like this sentence, I'd suggest clearing it up... OR put it in the middle of the paragraph, where the representation is already clear (and people therefore don't think that her mother died).
>> But then she moved in, had Janie and they got married. I was happy. Pete was happy. He started smiling his crinkled smile again. And Marie was nice enough. I held no grudge against her. >> These are very choppy sentences. If you read this out loud, it might sound okay, but that's more because of inflection of the voice. Since you can't do this here, you should probably combine these sentences to make new ones.
>> But then she moved in, had Janie and they got married. >> Events are told in the order you put in the sentence. Are you saying that Marie and Pete were married AFTER they moved in together and had a child?
Anyway, you have a nice story here. Keep up the work--from this point on, you could really start developing the characters (which you have already done a bit on the protagonist) and the plot.
~Misamiera -
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Thank you for the comment ^^ I will be sure to work on all the things you mentioned here. Thanks for taking the time to correct my grammar, I appreciate it.
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OMG the best ever
i absoloutly LOVED this story i love love loved it u should definantely be an author i have a story on this site aswell mine is called Midnight its not done though be sure to check it out.
great work.
cya.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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WOW! really good job. I like the story it was really well written.
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Wow!
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awesom
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wow this was a great piece! i liked the style and flow you used to convey the story. its an interesting read and i appreciate the thought you put into it. <3
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Good :)
I liked your style of writing this piece. It reminds me a bit of the way I write as well. I write mainly young adult and am working on a series about a young girl who moves away from the only home she has ever known to a small town so I liked this story as it is interesting to see how someone with a similiar idea comes up with a completely different take on it
How to read more about this story as it is very good
Keep up the good work
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Excellent! I feel stupid, but two thumbs up. I enjoyed reading it. I wish that you would add more and I hope to read more. I don't think that i found any mistakes. I don't have any suggestions. I can only offer you praise. I thoguht that this was really well written.
I honestly felt like i was living there in that moment and that all of that was happening to me. You made if so very believeable and conveyed the emotions of a real person. When she read the bear i almost cried. I have had many friends who have moved away and i can understand who she felt. The lyrics to the song that she whispered to herself only added to that feeling. You allowed me to feel what your character was feeling.
Over all i thought that it was a really good read and i would love to read more. I only wish that i knew more. Ha. Oh well. Keep writing. I relly hope to learn more. If there is more i will definetly read it! Keep writing!
Stryker<3 -
Excellent!
Excellent writing! I enjoyed every word, it just ended too soon. I do hope you're going to continue writing this. I found no mistakes, so praise is all I have
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I guess Rorshach has a very valid point of view. Unless you add a little fire to it, you're not going to get many comments on here.
I personally think it's fantastic. Reminds me a lot of Hemmingway...
There's not much activity taking place in this, but there's so much more the reader could pick up on, supposing they're paying attention.
There was only one thing I think you should at least consider revising: "I scooped up the large pile, and carried it into my bedroom, dumping it on my bed." (P57)
There's nothing wrong with it per se, it's just a little awkward. Of course, this is all coming from my point of view. It's a perfectly fine sentence that's a little awkward. That's all.
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NEAT WRITING..COULDN'T FIND AN MISTAKES...AND NICE USAGE OF HUMOR TOO...
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has an incredible sense of boredom
I suppose the problem with stories this languid (and i am not surprised it was influenced by a dream) is that we are all geared up to something happening, then when it doesn't there is a sense of disapointment. Gus Van Sant did a film called Last Days (about Kurt Cobain quietly dying alone)and the critics loved it and hated it for the same reason. Nothing happens, nobody interacts and then it ends. Some people applaud the realism and poetry, overs say 'boring nothing happened'. It's a question of art and how you react to it on an individual basis. Andy Warhol asked the same questions with his long, uneventful films.
What you have here is a girl who is moving to a new house. Nobody is horrible, nothing terrible happens, then it ends.
Is it good or bad? Well better people than me have failed to answer that.
From a personal point of view i picked up a great image of a old photograph and the sun almost blinding and burning the outsider. When i think about what sells then perhaps the subject matter of your work needs to be looked at a little bit more.
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Thank you for the comment. Although, I would like to know how it is as an introduction to a story, rather than being viewed as a complete one. What I was doing here was setting the scene and the characters. If you feel that some conflict would help, I will try to add some. Thanks.
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i didn't realise that it was a intro
I guess if it's a novel then something has to happen. It doesn't have to be conflict though. You have a slow pace of writing, it makes a nice change.
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