semmeschick 1
January 27, 2009 2
Dear R. Dyiti: 3
I am seeking representation of my YA novel, The Fall of Isabel, complete at 60,000 words. It is the first of a trilogy for which the second, Salvation, is nearly complete.4
Royals do not have the luxury of time to learn that looks aren’t important; instead, they wear masks and spend their childhoods dedicated to learning the magic that will help their rule when they ascend the throne.5
The Fall of Isabel is the story of a princess who is forced to watch her fiancé, Will of Turquoi, marry and have his mask removed by someone else for the sake of his country; but the heritage lines of the royals must be kept and Isabel is given one year to marry. Will’s brother Derek is the only likely contender. 6
In a series of brash decisions and unreasonable 7
consequences, Isabel of Antioch is expelled from her country and she is announced dead while she is sent to train in the Turquoisian military camps. There, she loses her mask and her identity, is forced to learn under her ex-fiancé. Suffering through taunts of “peasant girl” and not knowing a thing about military survival, Isabel must battle through it all and learn her magic to regain her title as Princess of Antioch.8
Thank you for your consideration of this proposal and I look forward to hearing from you. 9
Sincerely, 10
semmeschick 11
Author notes
I queried agents for a little over a month at the beginning of this past summer but I stopped for vacation and now school. Any words of advise or criticism will be well received and gladly accepted.
Here are the first parts of my story if you are interested: http://storywrite.com/story/250442
http://storywrite.com/story/250448
http://storywrite.com/story/250452
Thanks again, semmeschick
A contest entry
- Write a Query Letter by Reaver.
610 points, ended January 27, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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yeah there are tons of websites that teach you how to write queries.. which are just letters you send to agents with a few lines describing your story. If they take the bait you get a request for a full or partial manuscript, if they like what they read..you're one step closer to getting published!
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Errrr....
I can't really judge your writing as all you seem to have put here is an introduction to your story which, I guess, is for publishers.
Your story does sound good but - maybe I'm just confused - I dont't really understand what it is about. Is it a woman who has to wear a mask all day long and learns magic but one day she has the mask removed? It's original, I don't actually read much but I think I'd read your story. It's intriguing.
I worte a story a few years ago which I will not upload here becuase I'm afraid for my copyright. As it is nigh-on impossible to break through as an author, I will be getting my book published by Lulu.com and making a promotional website for it myself.
I hope this has been of some help to you. Good luck! -
Thanks so much! That really really really helps! ... and yeah I did take out ALL of the personal information... too much I guess!
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semmeschick ,
Hello and thanks for entering!
This is definitely a creative premise and an overall fair query.
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Some grammar suggestion:
1:
Paragraph 2 and 3 are very long. You should consider splitting them for easier reading.
Example:
‘Royals do not have the luxury of time to learn that looks aren’t important; instead, they wear masks and spend their childhoods dedicated to learning the magic that will help their rule when they ascend the throne.’
Could be, ‘Royals do not have the luxury of time to discover that looks are important. Instead, they wear masks and spend their childhoods dedicated to learning magic, which will help when they ascend the throne.’
2:
‘In a series of brash decisions and unreasonable’ needs to be moved down to fit it’s intended paragraph.
3:
My suggestion to you would be to shorten and reconstruct many of your sentences. Some are very wordy (though very explanatory) and the two plot paragraphs could be made into one.
Some query suggestions:
1:
You should offer the reader of this letter your willingness to submit further material. You end it assuming you will hear from them, without any form of contact. Though I am sure your original letter includes this in your header or footer, the closing paragraph should reiterate that you are willing to give them any further information at their request.
2:
Also, one last thing, you should include something about yourself. How long have you been writing? Do you have any experience or works out there? Personalize the letter and make the reader interested in not only you, but the story as well. You did fairly well at pitching the idea, but I gained no knowledge of who you are as a person or writer.
The idea is very creative, so good job with finishing the piece; I wish you all the success in getting it out there.
Rian,
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