My Life’s Tale 1
Chapter one2
Excuses3
My story begins on a hot, dry summer day at the corner house of Lincoln Road, PA. It was where the Brooks lived. It was the dirtiest, oldest, smallest, rotting house on the block. The Brooks didn’t have any friends because all the neighbors thought they were evil little monsters, but the Brooks only acted like this because they didn’t have any friends or at least not around there. So they instead spent their summer days talking, reading, and playing tricks on each other. 4
On this particular day Mr. Brooks was at work. Mrs. Brooks was in the kitchen trying to clean up the dishwasher that someone had put Dawn (the soap for cleaning extremely dirty dishes) in instead of Jet Dry. So there she was scooping out handful after handful of soap bubbles. Annie was up stairs in her room reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, one of her favorite books. Mike and Justin were out back talking in the extremely little yard that they owned. 5
Annie could just make out Mike ask, “So where have you been recently? Or is that information that you can’t share because you’re too scared that you’ll get in trouble for it? Look, everyone knows you’re not really going to hang out with friends because Brooks don’t have friends around here. So would you care to tell me where you’re actually going nearly ever afternoon?” 6
“No, not really because if I really was doing something I shouldn’t why would I want to tell you?” Asked Justin feeling rather smart. 7
“Fine,” exclaimed Mike with a sigh, “but sooner or later I’ll find out what you’re up to and you’ll be sorry that you didn’t tell me.” 8
With that said they left each other in peace. Justin was looking twice as hot and sweaty than before his conversation with Mike. 9
“What’s the matter with you,” Annie asked Mike trying hard not to sound as if she had just heard the whole conversation.10
“Nothing,” he replied, “just got a lot going through my head right now that’s all. I mean, Justin hasn’t exactly been acting normal. He’s sneaking off almost every afternoon claiming that he’s going to hang out at a friend’s house. I really don’t get how Mom just swallows the whole thing.” 11
“My personal opinion is that she knows it’s a false story, but just got her hopes too far to realize that it ain’t true. Do you get what I’m saying? ‘Cause if you think about it not one of us has had a friend ‘round here since you beat that kid up when you were five.”12
“Yeah, I guess your right,” said Mike a little annoyed that she
had brought that into the conversation. “Anyway, I think there might be something going on at Church. Something strange and unusual, but the thing is I just don’t know what it is and I think that maybe Justin is connected to whatever it is. He heads off in that direction every afternoon and there’s no one but that old, creepy Granny that lives over there. I just don’t know enough to say anything to anyone ‘cause I don’t have any proof. Well, I just wanted to warn you to keep your eyes and ears open and tell me if you see anything unusual here or at Church or anywhere else. Well, I’d better go get ready for work or I’ll be late.” 13
“See you later, Mike,” called Annie as he was leaving. And then tuned back to her book. 14
***15
That evening Justin said that he had forgotten his jacket at his friend’s house and that his friend was going on vacation soon so he didn’t know when he’d be able to get it back and with that he grabbed his hat, slipped on his shoes and was out the door before anyone could object to it. 16
Justin walked for about fifteen minutes before he found himself at the entrance of a dark and dreary room at the end of a tunnel that ran from the park to where he stood now. 17
The room was a middle size room with a small table in the one corner and two chairs around it. There was cobwebs and spiders in every nook and crany. Occasionally a rat would scurry across the room. Then Justin's eyes fell apon a dark figure sitting at the table with his back turned towards him at least that's what it looked like. There was only a faint ray of sunlight that shone in from outside so it was hard to make things out.18
“Hello, Justin,” said the voice, “you’re late again.” 19
“S-sorry,” stammered Justin “my mom made dinner later than normal today. Anyway I have reason to believe that Mike is catching on. I over heard him telling Annie to keep her eyes and ears open for anything strange or unusual.” 20
“This is not a good sign,” said the voice in the corner. “This means that we don’t have much time left before he finds everything out. Unless you can cause some sort of diversion. Something really tragic to happen, not just another dishwasher accident, something bigger, just enough to keep Mike and Annie away from any detective work for awhile.”21
“I’ve got it,” cried Justin with excitement. “Can I borrow one of your little guns that aren’t supposed to make too much noise?” 22
“An excellent idea, lad,” said the voice from the corner as Justin was leaving. “Come by tomorrow to pick it up. I’ll have everything ready.”
Author notes
tell me exactly what you think of it. also can you tell me where I go wrong with my punctuation? just so I can get better.
A contest entry
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Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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this was a great piece! i liked it a lot! i think that you presented the story well and it kept me glued to the page! you are verry talented *gives high five* keep up the great work!
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It's interesting and has potential. Some notes...
para 4:
"evil[,] little monsters"
para 5:
"Mrs. Brooks was in the kitchen trying to clean up the dishwasher that someone had put Dawn (the soap for cleaning extremely dirty dishes) in instead of Jet Dry. " This is a bit ambiguous... please try to make it clearer ^^
para 6:
"ever[y] afternoon"
para 7:
"“No, not really[,] because if I really was doing something I shouldn’t[,] why would I want to tell you?” [a]sked Justin[,] feeling rather smart."
para 9:
"With that said[,] they left each other in peace."
"Justin was looking twice as hot and sweaty than before his conversation with Mike. " This in an awkward sentence. And the phrase "hot and sweaty" is very distracting. Perhaps you could say how beads of sweat rolled down his temple?
para 10:
"Annie asked Mike[,] trying hard not to sound as if she had just heard the whole conversation."
11:
"“Nothing,” he replied[.] “[J]ust got a..."
"...right now[,] that’s all"
para 12:
"“My personal opinion is that she knows it’s a false story, but just got her hopes too far to realize that it ain’t true. " this doesn't sound like realistic speech. Make it a litttle simpler.
"...think about it[,] not one... "
13:
"...you['re] right,” said Mike[,] a little annoyed that she
had brought that into the conversation. "
"Something strange and unusual, but the thing is I just don’t know what it is and I think that maybe Justin is connected to whatever it is." very long and awkward...
"He heads off in that direction every afternoon[,] and there’s no one but that old, creepy Granny [who] lives over there. "
"...to anyone[,] ‘cause... "
"Well, I just wanted to warn you to keep your eyes and ears open and tell me if you see anything unusual here or at Church or anywhere else. " also awkward. Try to break it up.
"Well, I’d better go get ready for work or I’ll be late.”" I find it very hard to believe that he is old enough to go to work. He sounds childish to me....
14:
"And then [she] tu[r]ned back to her book."
16:
"That evening Justin said that he had forgotten his jacket at his friend’s house and that his friend was going on vacation soon so he didn’t know when he’d be able to get it back and with that he grabbed his hat, slipped on his shoes and was out the door before anyone could object to it." I utterly despise this sentence. It is way, way, way too long. So is paragraph 17.
18:
"middle size room " do we really need to know this? It just breaks up the flow of the sentence...
"There [were] cobwebs and spiders in every nook and [cranny]. "
"Then Justin's eyes fell apon a dark figure sitting at the table with his back turned towards him at least that's what it looked like. " too long. I suggest you delete "at least that's what it looked like".
"There was only a faint ray of sunlight that shone in from outside[,] so it was hard to make things out."
20:
"“S-sorry,” stammered Justin[.] “[My] mom made "
"...[overheard]..."
21:
" ...something bigger[.] [J]ust enough... "
22:
"the voice from the corner " that's really annoying how you keep repeating that. And the concept is very cliche..
Anyway, I think this is quite good. I'm not trying to be mean at all ^^ You should go back and make all these corrections and then it'll be really good. You should try reading this aloud to yourself. That way you'll be able to see what just doesn't sound right.
You should describe your characters more. That way we can relate to them, and feel like we know them. I am still a bit confused regarding the age and relations of each of the characters... Please clarify this ^^
Good work!
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oh this is very good! i like it! i cant wait to read more
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I WANT MORE!!! That was an interesting way to take this!!!!
I NEED TO KNOW MORE!!!
Thank you so much for entering my contest!!
~Souls
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Very interesting, i would like to read more of this in the future. The descriptions are strong and the flow nice through out most of the story. It seemed kinda jumping in the middle of the story, maybe its just me. Great work! Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!
-Grim -
Has some promise
I think you need to give your characters an age and some description. At one point I thought they were children and then at another I thought they might be older. I think adding details would give the story more depth. -
Excellent. I loved it. Except the part at the end about "can I borrow one of those little guns...the one's that don't make a lot of noise." That part makes it seem a little childish. If you want it that way...perfect...if you don't, please change it around. I suggest you make it into an adventure detective story. Something that becomes more than it seems right now.
Otherwise...Excellent.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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I wasn't really into it. I just couldnt picture this story going anywhere
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hm...
thank-you for your entry, i will be reviewing the finalists momentarily! -
An interesting idea here, I'd almost say start with the more interesting bit at the end to hook the reader then follow throug with more mondane, you'd need to rewrite but it might help you get more readers. This also needs some editing conserning grammar and a few typos. Otherwise I think you could perhaps have something. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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