Her grey eyes captured his blue emeralds. Her perfect eyes, he thought, matched wonderfully with her white coat. His black fur laced over his muscle that gathered in every speck of his brilliant body; the wind blowing gracefully through his still statue. He was tense and protective when planting his claws in the snow and into the crispy landscape beneath his paws, just in front of his curious daughter pup, Nahra. 1
Nahra looked exactly like her father with the same gallant features. All the muscle, strength and talent and intelligence and bravery like her idol except for his eyes. She had the eyes of an angel, he thought. For she had her mothers extraordinary deep green eyes most wolves do not posses. Layni had the eyes of a goddess. Layni was Blidric’s soul to see. And his daughter was his pride and joy. 2
The white wolf before him had a form like his in her feminine way. She knew it was stupid of her to be angled against a bare tree with no way out. But caught off guard so quickly had stunned her, and she had no choice only to turn around from her prey that had now pranced off into the cold climate. While keeping her back away from him her eyes darted to different directions, making sure to see an image of the black alpha once every two seconds. She looked cautiously for any opening that she could jump to, any kind of sign to flee from this stranger. But the cliff was too high to jump off of. The hovering rock was too high to jump on. Logs and boulders circled her into the small place. She had no way out and was heaving for breath. She was now confused, for she rarely ever gets scared. She wondered to herself if it was his beautiful eyes that beheld hers or his big body that told her she could not fight him off without being severely injured. 3
A whine released somebody’s throat and the white wolf bowed her head a little to see what had caused the noise. It was Nahra, the pup that the white wolf was unfamiliar of. “Daddy,” the black pup yipped. The big head turned toward her but did not release his unwanted visitors gaze. “Do not hurt her. She has good feelings in her soul, I can sense it. Can’t you?” He nodded once. “Then why haven’t you introduced yourself?” He shakes his head a little, trying to blur the thoughts he was having. He never thought he would find another wolf attractive. He didn’t know if he should be. 4
“My apologies,” his deep voice went well with his shape. “I am alpha male, Blidric. What has brought you to my territory, my fair lady?” His manners stunned her like his presence had. But she didn’t mind as much. 5
She straightened her posture, positioning out of widened legs. “I am here because of confusion of my tracking. I was hunting and with unsuccessful resistance, I could not control myself to stop when I had literally crossed the line. I haven’t been able to find any food for I have been so tired and needed my rest before I was able to even walk. This sounds like an easy excuse but it is not a lie.” Her promise was good, Blidric did not refuse. But he was worried more if she had brought trouble along with her.6
“Are you with another pack?”7
“No I am not. My mother was an exile, for personal purposes, and later died from a mountain lion -”8
“Mountain lion?” This word concerned him. 9
“Do not worry, good sir, for this predator was long gone over the falls from many miles away. Your environment is much to cold for that selfish cat.”10
“Then I am sorry for interrupting your story. Please go on if you wish.”11
“Not much more to tell. After that I traveled alone. I am very independent and will not cause you any harm whatsoever.” There was a slight pause to fulfill silent thoughts. Blidric did not know what to think because he did not want her to leave alone, but he pondered himself how he would feel about her if she did stay. He decided he would take a risk and take a chance on saving a life. The winters would be too harsh for a lone wolf and she would not be able to find enough food by herself.12
“Do you have any puppies?” This question did not really matter, he was only curious on his behalf. He thought that Nahra would like to know as well, for she loves making friends.13
“No,” she snorts. “Never found the time.” She coughed a laugh to her inside joke.14
“Well,” began Blidric “you should tag along with my pack either way. We could keep you safe, you need to be able to fend for yourself and deserve respect.” 15
He had insulted her now, so she snarled. “I fend for myself just fine! I have all my four legs; I have my muzzle and my health! I have everything that helps me live. I don’t need respect! I’m alone… Why would I need respect?” She scoffed and turned. She stopped mid step though when he had barked. 16
“I’m trying to help you. Why won’t you let me?” He was almost pleading, although he did not know why.17
She didn’t look at him, only out of the corner of her eye. Her teeth still showing, “Because I don’t need it.” She wasn’t afraid to fling away then. She jumped onto a small rock and flew over the stiff log; her fluffy tail following behind her.18
Blidric didn’t know if he would be able to see her again. He didn’t know if he ever would. He couldn’t tell if he wanted to or not. Nahra felt sorry for the white wolf. She quite understood how it felt to be an outsider. She understood why the white wolf had an attitude of a ghost; coming from nowhere and passing away again as if she was invisible. Nahra knew how it felt to be an outsider… She felt the same way when she had no mother, and all her friends did.19
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Ultimately, it needs some work. But who's doesn't? Mine sure does! I hope that yo finish this soon and get more ideas about the wolves! Sure, I know that, as writer, you reach a vein and wish to stay in it, but if the thought ever comes to you, keep at Expected Unknown! Hope my critique helps!
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Hey Kyndal, I sure hope you post more of this! I want to know what happens. By the way, if you aren't opposed to poeple offering some grammar suggestions, I would like to critique your work. Besides, if you don't like what I have to say, you can just ignor it (not that I am the kind of person to say rude or unrealistic things)!
Anyway, the story on a whole was captivating and enchanting. I have found that few books have the quality of enrapturement, and that yours has this I find very positive, i. e., of all elements to possess in a story of this kind, this to me is very important.
Sadly, the delight that I found within your work here was interrupted by choppy and incomplete sentences. The first sentence had me in limbo for a while, since I kept misconstruing the wolf mentioned there as Blidric's daughter. The third sentence, also, was very rough and almost fragmented, especially when you changed subjects in the midst of the paragraph from the white wolf to Blidric.
To begin any story like this, you need background. Though I believe heartilly in the words of Louis L'Amour "to begin each story in the middle," I felt that the whole thing began clumsily; this idea was augmented by the interesting and enguaging nature of the rest of the work which, to me, made the beginning of your tale all the more glaring. The fourth sentence needs "crispy" changed to crisp.
Second sentence of the 2 paragraph needs a change in the listing you gave to "all the muscle and strength, talent and intellegence, and bravery." "And his daughter" needs to be "and she."
3rd sentence of the 3rd paragraph begins with great awkewardness, too. The cliff later mentioned needs to be addressed sooner to give the reader an understanding of the surroundings so that they can better understand the predicament of the white wolf.
4th paragraph needs a "from" inserted between the released and somebody's. Also, a major change of tenses occurs when you speak of Blidric here. The present nature of things really threw me for a while. It either needs to be completely in third or second person always and maintain one of the three tenses.
Blidric's words need to be rephrased into "I am the Alpha male of this land and the wolves with me. Blidric is my name."
13th line needs help, as well. The last sentence, especially, since it changes tense. -
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when you sayy myy story was choppy and uneasy to read, you are missing myy reasoning. this story, esepcially this chapter, is suppose to be a (what i like to call) THINKER. it makes you wonder, it isn't suppose to be easy. i will of course consider some more from our critique blog, but with that above i had to sayy you were wrong.
and i will add to more of this story. but it wont be soon... i am sorry. i just started Freshman year and trying to work around myy dad wanting me to go over to his house, then my mom wanting to do something with her, and then my grandparents wanting me to do chores, and still trying to help out at Volleyball practices and games for the coaches since i am manager. its exhausting.
but i had planned on writing more, i've just been so tired. so idk when i will be able to resist the sleepiness for the fans of Expected Unknown.
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very cool
I liked the way you write. almost hypotizing - that wolf! more please... -
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thanks momay
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wow
i just like feel in love with this...the emotions you bring into the words it's like T.T....poor wolf! and then a little O.o...aw he likes her...it's love at first sight...then a GO AFTER HER IDIOT XD. anyways overall very good...captured me well...keep going.

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WOWEE! thanks bunchess!!
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XD
np ^^
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This was a really good start to what I'm sure is going to be a very engaging story =]
I couldn't find any errors whatsoever, so thats great too
Overall, a very very nice chapter 1. =]

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thanks!! it was alot of fun writing this. im glad you like it!
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