"I need a 16 letter word for 'windshield wipers'. Somethin' foreign." Judge LeGume whispered to his bailiff Miss Pissoir. The trial before him had been lingering for weeks as lawyers vied for the best unadulterated lie. He wished he could just be straightforward about this. He would mirthfully sentence both parties and their lawyers to hang by wires in some horrid, dank hell where they would stop bothering people. Instead, Judge LeGume did crossword puzzles and word games to make the time pass.1
"Limpiaparabrisas", Miss Pissoir whispered back. "It's Spanish, I think."2
"Limp wrist bra and asses?"3
"Uh... no sir", Miss Pissoir knew when to hold her tongue. "Just hand it here and I'll fill it in for you".4
Judge LeGume passed the crossword book to Miss Pissoir. He decided to take some time and listen to the trial. Speaking before him was the definition of pomposity... Quisling Milhous, a high collarboned, slack jawed lawyer with an asymmetrical, pimple cratered face resembling a plate of ratatouille. His voice droned on and on with a range that fell somewhere between a squeal and a fart... wavering with every utterance. The few people awake in the court winced with every word. His rambles followed no real form, but created an air of virtual sense. You wanted to agree with him just to get him to shut the hell up.5
Quisling's adversary, Ziggy Zealot was the rising star at 'Bastards, Buggers and Bore' Attorneys at Law. He was a specialist in taking bovine waste and convincing people it was shoe polish. For now he wiled away the endless orations by using Quisling's id to download porn on the courtroom WAN. He killed even more time by filing the various naughty acts alphabetically.6
Almost all hope had been lost when Quisling unexpectedly concluded his remarks "...and so I put it to you dear ladies and questionable genders of the jury" He pointed to the defendant, a lass with long braided hair, bedecked in a gingham tu tu. "My client is a dancer and merely plays dulcimer to disperse the crowd. Mr. Zealot here would like for you to believe that dulcimer playing is a crime... but I think you'll agree with me... it's just bad taste." The room fell wondrously quiet.7
Quisling sat down to a chorus of relief from all present. Ziggy was poked by an associate and turned off his laptop. Now the blissful peace was again broken and the air filled momentarily with groans. Ziggy began his opening arguments.8
Judge LeGume tuned out again. He knew he could just listen to every sixth word of the closing argument and get the gist. He retrieved his crosswords from Miss Pissoir. Justice grinds exceedingly fine.9
Author notes
Windshield wipers are an oft ignored appliance today. When was the last time you said "Hi" or kissed your wipers. Yet, when nature throws great bolts through the air and pounds your fleeing vehical with rain... do you think of them? Do you feel their pain... Of couse not. Thats stupid. Why in the hell would you want to do that? Geeze, you are one big fruitcake. Sheesh.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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*tears of mirth*
Oh wow. That was crazy. And..mind boggling. And it didn't make any sense (almost) and it was GREAT!! I loved it. Excellent job! -
Oh god, not the clap... again! Geeze, I got that for Christmas last year. Amazing what you can find at WalMart. I'm sure you remember the challenge at the other forum that produced this nonsense
Oh the pennance of having too much time on one's hands. Thanks Gal.
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Hi Von, you know, I wrote this about 2 years ago on another site. It was a challenge to write a story using these words:
id
wan
wire
mirth
dancer
unkempt
dulcimer
pomposity
collarbone
ratatouille
asymmetrical
unadulterated
alphabetically
straightforward
limpiaparabrisas
I edited it since, so I don't remember if it still contains all those words, but I really never gave the story another thought. I just happen to come across it on my hard drive and decided to post it here. You never know. Sequels pop out of everywhere. Thanks as always for reading it. -
I'm actually stuck for something to say Darth - you are simply a master of ....... this sort of thing.
Well written and yet appearing to be unfinished, does this mean that we can look forward to more of this repertoire?
Von
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My goodness, if all this keeps up, I am going to have to buy a stretch hat to contain my swelled head. Thanks Ohbi one. Such praise from a person who work I admire so is an honor indeed.
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Ah Wheezy, its nice for one to be recognised and place high on the drivel index. I have always sought to be known someday as the Purveyor of Senseless Drivel and Digital Delirium. Now that I have achieved the first... my attention can at last be focused on the latter....
Thanks! -
Sir, you are, without doubt, a writer of high caliber and of even finer art. This is superb -- both in description and flow.
I must admit to never feeling the wiper's pain....I am wrapped in my own feeble glow of inner ignorance....but...but...I can change...I know it.
I am reminded (to an extent) of PG Wodehouse when reading your work --- broadly humorous, yet sly in the observation. Very well done. Damn. -
Stupendous
My Dear Darth
You are so proficient at writing this type of senseless drivel in such a compelling way as to capture the reader's attention and hold it in the expectation of something profound and erudite. Please accept my undying admiration and effusive acclamation.
Cheers
Anne
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