The harsh wind blew sand up into the boy’s face. Brushing a hand idly over his eyes, he kept staring raptly at the star specked sky. This was in itself a serious breach of the Doctrine, but as a minor he was safe from the most serious repercussions. Plus, he had found a nice tree to lie under, so if his mother saw him, he’d be able to tell her that he was simply counting leaves.1
In a flash, he was on his feet, eyes shining with excitement. A bright dot was streaking across the sky, getting bigger and bigger every second. This was impossible, he knew, yet he wasn’t about to stop believing his own sight. He also wasn’t about to run to his house and call everyone out. This was his moment. 2
The dot resolved itself into a gigantic orb, which screamed overhead and crashed in the forest half a kilometer away from the farmstead. Even if nobody else had seen it, and he was fairly sure nobody had, they would have heard it, so his time was limited. The boy took off toward the forest.3
Finding the object presented no difficulty at all as the force of impact had flattened a swath of trees 50 meters across. It lay smoking slightly in front of him now. Its nose was buried partially in the dirt. Amazed, he realized that this was a space ship. He had seen them on pictures, had dreamed of them when he was too young to be trained in the more rigorous aspects of the Doctrine, but he had never imagined that he’d ever see one himself. 4
He edged closer, expecting some terrifying being to spring forth at any moment. The heat coming from it was intense and suffocating, but he ignored it. Peering at the ground by the ship he noticed something lying there. It was a portion of its plating which had been pushed out to leave a gaping whole in its side. Whoever, or whatever, had been in it was long gone.5
Author notes
It's sci fi, but I'm not gonna explain the world I've created just yet. You're supposed to slowly find out more about it, so I won't be giving things away right off the bat.
How's the flow?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Great, you got my attention
Good writing, easy to read and follow and it's nice to not find everyother word misspelled. I look forward to reading the next segment.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Thanks
And the next segment is up if you want to take a look.
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Great
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well the last reader made teh corrections...but then i think u can make more sense with the sentences...
as in write them completley...as in in line 4 u used the words amazed which didn't wuite connect with the sentnence...
well again just a suggestion... -
Has potential
As a long time Sci-Fi buff I liked what I read. It held my interest and I would like to see more. Doling out the information about the boy's world is good. It keeps the reader wondering.
The story does flow well, but you might want to add more of the senses to it. Make the reader hear, taste and smell what the boy is experiencing.
From everything I've hear about editors is that they hate the word 'suddenly'. You might want to change it to abruptly or maybe clumsily.
In the fourth paragraph I would consider reversing the first two lines and possibly making it one sentence. I feel it would be a more logical progression of events.
I also noticed a trait we have in common. We both use the word 'but' a lot; four times in a hundred words. In a 100,000 word story that adds up to 4,000 buts. I try to alternate it with yet, although or rewrite the sentence to avoid it altogether.
Keep up the good writing, Scifibob
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Thanks
This was really helpful. I'm going to use all these remarks when I edit this.
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