The Jumper

The motor whizzes past, just about clippin me as ah try to cross the road. “Ho! Citizen walkin here!” ah yell but the fucker doesnae even slow down. Doss cunt. Coulda kilt me there. Kilt me deid. And what use would ah be to anyone then. Nane. Thats whit. Joker. Ah make it to the other side of the road, nae thanks to my attempted vehicular assaulter and carry on mah way to Hey Arnolds bit. The man gave me a phone earlier on to say that he had a bit ay grass and ah'm plannin to complete a transaction on ma arrival there.1

Its late afternoon now but its still warm likes, which ah guess despite it bein June is still uncharacteristic as fuck for this part ay the world. Safe to say we dinnae git it too often but its welcome when we do. Oh yes is it welcome ah think as ah see ah couple ay Georgie Heriots lassies walkin down mah side of the street. Uh-huh. Uh-huh indeed. Shall save that one for laters. 2

Ah find maself thinkin that ah'm actually looking forward to gettin up to this fuckers flat. Been a long bit since ah've seen him so not only should ah find maself in possession of some quality stuff, but should also get a quality blether as well. In mah personal and humble opinion conversation is the spice ay life, to coin a somewhit hackneyed phrase. Seriously though, great banter with someone is better that great sex and apart from anythin else, its much more equal opportunist 'cause you can git it off either male or female, or gorgeous or mingin' just as easy and with nae regret attached. Can't even mind the last time ah had sex and neither me nor the girl in question regretted it!3

Ah finally git up to Hey Arnold's place - man does that fucker live far out in the fuckin sticks - and ah press the buzzer.4

"What's the password?" says the disembodied voice of future drugs.5

"New England clam chowder," ah tells the Ace Ventura lovin twat, "the white, before ye start."6

"'Mon up," the voice says, before unlockin the door with his magic button.7

Ah goes up the stinkin stairwell towards the top floor flat. Ah think every fucker ah know in this city lives in the top floor flat of a 3 floor building. Cardiacally speakin ah'd be doin fuckin well if ah didn't drink and smoke the entire time. Ah finally reach the top and go to knock on the door but its been left open so ah just head in. On enterin the livin room ah can't help but notice that the place is immaculate. Disturbingly so. This is the abode of one of the clartyest fuckers ah know so su'hin just doesnae sit right about this likes.8

"Billy!" he yells at me.9

"Arnold," ah says in response, "what the fuck is this place so tidy for?".10

"Mah Maw's staying a few days," he tells me and as if on cue ah hear the toilet flush and this 50-suh'in year auld woman wanders in and sits down on the couch.11

"Alright son?" she says.12

"Aye. No bad. You?"13

"Just grand," she says. Ah try to evaluate whether or not she would've been a looker in her day but it doesnae take long. It's a resounding no.14

"Uhm, should we eh..." ah says to Hey Arnold, indicatin the other room.15

"Nah, its fine. Take a pew," he says, "usual your after?"16

"Aye."17

Ah'm gonnae be honest, ah'm a little freaked out of the openness of this here transgression. Dealing drugs in front of your parents, tae me anyway, takes a way a bit of the purity of the situation. If mah Mum and Dad were still about, God rest them and all that, theres no way ah'd be lettin them know ah even use the stuff, never mind sell it. Ah mean fuck, Bridget, Lennon's mum, she's only mah big sister and ah don't even let on to her that ah smoke it you know?18

But anyway, ah gies him mah money, usual amount as agreed on and he hands me mah baggie. Ah take a look at it and straight away Arnold kens ah'm no a happy bunny. Ah know this cause he immediately says to me "Right Billy, ah know your not a happy bunny but theres an explanation for this."19

"Ah'm glad to hear that," ah says, "cause this is a lot less than ah usually git for mah monies."20

"Aye, well you see, theres a drought on just now, and no as much is gettin into the country as there was before. It creates one ay yon 'seller's markets'. Now, ah cannae get as much for ma cash, so I need to recoup my profit somehow, you know?"21

"By holding out on mates?"22

"It just business son, don't take it personally," his Maw pipes up, leavin me a little incredulous. Ah just kinda look at her. This is one fucked up family unit ah'm in the midst ay here.23

"Aye, Billy, just business. Ah can mibbe give you a bit of ay deal on pills if you want?"24

"Nah, fuck it. I don't touch that shit," ah says, and ah gets up and walks out. That shit pisses me off although in fairness, hes right, it is just business. Few drinks and ah'll be over it no doubt. No doubt at all.25

*26

Havin been gypped by a mate ah found maself desirin the company of fam, and in the 'Burgh that description fits only one man, ma wee superstar nephew and brother in arms, Lennon, so ah heads for Bobby's figurin that'd be the best place to locate the fucker. Ah haven't seen him in a bit, so it'll be gid to catch up. Unfortunately when ah gets there it turns out he has the night off, however that rather spiffin young lass is workin instead. Lennon says shes a little nuts but also very sound so ah decide ah'll hang around - an idea which is highly promoted when ah realise shes givin me student deals. Rock the fuck on. We sit and chat a bit and ah have to say, there is some quality patter from this girl. Fuckin dirty for a woman too. Billy likes it. Just as I think mibbe ah've got a wee chance here them boys from that band come in and suddenly she only has eyes for them. No that I'm knockin them like. Lennon's introduced us in the past and so being acquainted the guys bring me into their conversation which I have to say is decent of them. Very decent.27

They're tellin me stories about growing up in and around this city and some of the shit they've pulled and has to be said, they've been in some scrapes. But you cannae bolshy a Lanarkshire boy so ah feel the need to try and one-up them a wee bit so ah tell them the story of the time me and wee Dukesy broke into the vestry up the graveyard.28

"What was his name?" one of them said. The one in the leather jaicket, well, they're aw wearin leather jaickets, but the shorter one in the leather says.29

"Dukesy."30

"That his real name?"31

"Nah, ah says, his names Ross Hazzard, Dukesy's his nickname." Ah pause so they can digest it for a minute. Ah cannae mind who came up with that yin but ah hope to hell he got the rest of the day aff.32

So, anyway, as the tale goes, and this is a true story mind you, ah wisnae just makin it up for these boys sakes, me and Dukesy were up the graveyard havin a cheeky wee toke and Dukesy fuckin disappears. Ah don't think much of it cause he was always pullin that shite, but a few minutes later ah hear this noise.33

BANG! BANG! BANG!34

What the fuck now? ah'm thinkin. So ah runs round and sees this little idiot tryin to kick in the door ay the Kirk vestry.35

"You cannae dae that man," ah says and Dukesy just looks at us and goes "Ah wanna see whits inside." Well, ah cannae really argue with that so ah decide ah'll play along.36

BANG!37

Well, thats aw it took cause the door swung open. The wee man goes inside and ah follow him in and what we're confronted with is mischief makers fuckin Valhalla man. Ah shit you not, there is like 8 mannequins in there. So straight away we know su'hin has to be done here. We cannae just walk away from this one. Eftir a few minutes inspiration hits like us Lothian bus with a drunk driver. We start breakin off the arms at the elbows till we just have a pile ay them lying on the ground in front of us, and pickin up half each we set about stickin them in ground in front of a few select graves. No idea what happened eftir that likes but we didnae go back up the graveyard for a while. That wis a fuckin gid night though.38

Ah go back to mah pint and those band dudes just stare at me, knowing they just got out storied and out fuckin played at life. Oh yeah.39

*40

Ah have a couple more pints with those boys then decide to head down the hill to Opium, fully expectin thats where ah'll find the man in question. The big man on the door isnae keen on lettin me in but ah promise ah'm just comin in to look for Lennon and willnae have a drink. The name drop satisfies him and he lets me pass. Ah'm no far in and ah see that wee bar girl him and his pals know so ah goes and says hello. She acts aw happy to see me which I know is shite cause shes made it pretty clear in the past she cannae stand me. Most folks'd mibbe get a little peeved by the two-facedness but I greatly appreciate. Its a mark ay the truly polite in ma book. Ah ask if the kid's around but she says him and Ben headed to the Tron a wee bit ago. Ah decide to have a drink before ah leave but the steward catches ma eye and ah reckon ah'll buy maself some goodwill and head straight off as promised.41

Headin down the Cowgate ah see some seriously hot lassies and thank the planet for givin us the decent weather. Nane ay this heavy jaicket shite the night. Nane at aw. Ah trek up the hill toward the Tron cursin the steep fucker to hell and just as ah'm about to head in ah hear this voice behind me.42

"Ho, bawbag." Lennon's outside havin a fag, and ah realise ma initial estimation of how long its been since ah last saw him might've been a little off. The boys clearly lost a fair bit ay weight and well, he didnae have aw that much to begin with. He's let his hair grow long as fuck as well, and ah'm no even gonnae try to guess what colour its meant to be in this light. And since when did that little fucker fuckin smoke?43

"Since when did you fuckin smoke you little fucker?" ah asks him. He just kind ay shrugs and goes "No long."44

"Does your Mum know?"45

"Who cares? You gonna tell her?"46

He's got me there, cause he knows ah won't. Have to say, his appearance shocks me a little and ah feel a bit shitty cause ah promised Bridget ah'd keep an eye on him, you know check in and stuff, after that lassie chucked him earlier this year. Kind ay got busy but.47

"Wanna go to a party?" he says to me.48

"When?"49

"Now."50

"Yer pals no in there?"51

"Just Ben and Suzie. They're takin ages to finish their drinks. Come on, ah'll text them on the way."52

"Aye alright."53

So we heads down toward North Bridge and ah ask the Uncley questions the little fucker clearly doesn't buy. Ah don't think thats entirely fair. Ah do care, even if ah don't particularly care right now. As we get to the bridge though Lennon stops sharp as fuck. He just points and ah take a look and fuck me if there isnae some fucker standin on the railin lookin down at Waverley and gettin ready to end it all. They reckon theres at least one jumper a week off the Bridges but this is the first time ah've ever seen one in the 5 years or so ah've lived in the Burgh. It's a little exciting. Lennon takes off down toward the guy and ah saunter down that way too, at my own pace likes. Ah get there and Lennon's aw like: 54

"Mate, come on. Just step down and we'll have a chat, you don't need to do this."55

"What do you know?" asks the guy, and ah have to admit he has Lennon there cause Lennon knows jackshit about why this guys thinkin of doin what hes thinkin of doin.56

"Ah don't know anythin," he says, "but if you come back down, we can have a chat, and mibbe ah can help. If ah can't and then you still want to dae this then well, you willnae have missed your only chance ih?".57

I think thats a fair response and ah have to admit ah'm impressed with him. But ah can tell straight off this is no way to get through to this man. No way at aw. So ah, pulls maself up onto the railin beside him, sittin down likes. Ah look over the edge58

"Fuckin Jesus," ah looks up at yer man on the wall, "Fuckin high ih?" He just kinda looks at me. "Ah'm Billy, this is Lennon."59

"James," the guy manages to get out.60

"Nice to meet ye James. Ah'd shake your hand but ah think theres probably balance issues at stake." Ah take a joint that ah'd rolled on the meadows earlier on and spark it up, taking a deep as fuck draw and feelin fuckin gid for it. This James dude just looks at me. So does Lennon for that matter, in utter disbelief. You'd think he'd know better than to distrust his Uncle Billy by now likes but thats that kid for ye. Ah offer James the joint and he just kind ay looks at it.61

"Ah've nivir....." he stutters out.62

"James mate," ah says, "ye only live once man, and, in your particular case, mibbe no for much longer. Have at it." This logic appeals to the boy and he takes it from me and takes a draw, splutterin a bit. Ah worry for a second he's gonna lose his balance but hes alright.63

"So what brings you to the edge of despair?" ah asks, as Lennon quite visibly just shakes his head at me. He goes to speak but ah just hold out mah hand to get him to shut up. James hands me back the spliff and sniffs a bit. 64

"You really care?" he says.65

"Ah really ask didn't ah?"66

"My daughter is dead 'cause of an accident for which I'm to blame. My son won't talk to me, and my wife has been fuckin' committed because she hasn't been able to handle the grief. I'm better off dead."67

"Mate, that all sucks," Lennon says, "but you still don't want to do this."68

"Ah dunno likes Lennon, he probably does. That's all pretty shit."69

"For fuck's sake Billy!" Lennon screams at me, "That's hardly fuckin helpin is it?"70

"My lives in ruins," says James. In fairness to the boy ah can hardly argue. If ah wis in his shoes ah might consider doin whit hes doin. Ah mean, ok, most shit is water off a ducks back to me, but thats heavy as hell. Just as ah'm about to say su'hin he fuckin takes off, jumpin through the air and plummetin through the roof of Waverley Station.71

"Fuck me. He jumped," ah says. Cause fuck me, he did.72