It was time to go to bed. I got ready but I kept hearing mysterious noices outside my window. Jake was throwing rocks at it to get my attention. I opened the window to hear what my boyfriend had to say. 1
"What do you want? It's so late" I whispered to him. 2
"I just wanted to see you again." He answered slowly. He climbed up a tree that was next to my window to be closer to me. 3
"I have to tell you something important," he was really close now. I leaned in so my lips would slightly press against his. He answered with a fiercer, more eargent kiss. I put my arms on his broad shoulders.4
"No," he tried to twist his head away from me but neither I or his will power let him.5
"I can to tell you something," he finally broke away. I looked at him encouraging.6
"I don't want to tell you this but I have to," he spoke.7
"I'm breaking up with you." He looked so unwilling to say this that I didn't believe him.8
"Is this a joke?" I laughed. Half amused, half confused.9
"It's not. I have to go," he started to decline the tree.10
"Can't we even stay friends?" I wailed after him.11
"I'm sorry, she won't let me."12
"Who's she?" but he was already gone. Gone out of my sight, and out of my life.13
I cried that night. But it wasn't too bad. He was always forgetting stuff lately. It was like he had to be somewhere he never told me about.14
It was time to go to school. I felt so stiff. It was like I had a mask out of clay on my face.15
Eventually, I got to school on time. My first two classes dragged by even though I heard nothing that was said.I was wondering: did last night even happen? Was I just dreaming? Am I just going to waltz into History and Jake would be by my side in a flash like nothing even happened? But I never found out the answer. As the bell rang Igot up annoyed at myself for missing the Math test review. There right before my eyes, Jake was talking, laughing and standing perfectly comfortable with eachother's closeness. I ran into the closest bathroom before anyone could notice that my eyes were wet with jelosy. I spent the rest of the school day in there trying to dry my eyes before another set of tears come streaming down.16
As the final classes for the day were dissmissed, the door opened and a blond girl came in. She looked over my trembling face.17
"Tough day?" She asked.18
"The worst."19
"Tell me about it." She encouraged.20
"It's complecated... Well, ok. This boy I liked dumped me for another girl." I started mummbleing to myself not sure if she could hear me.21
"So who's this Jake?" she asked suddenly becoming fully interested in the conversation.22
"How do you know that his name is Jake?"23
She pointed at the pencil I was still holding in my hand. I was scribbling Jake's name over and over again on the bathroom wall without realising. I quickly stated to erace everything to avoid gossip.24
"Oh!" I laughed at my own foolishness. The girl came to my side and gently put her hand on mine to stop what I was doing. 25
"We all go through breakups. It's natural and don't worry about it!" She helped me get up and brushed the tears from my face. "My name's Amanda by the way. Come on." She led me out of the bathroom and outside so I could get some fresh air. I felt better.26
Amanda and I became best friends and during the month that we spent togather, I was forgetting about Jake and actually having fun. Amanda was the kind of friend that will always be there when you need her. She was very energetic, funny, and talkative. 27
One day she invited me to spend a day with her shopping at the mall. So I get dressed in my blue jeans and a floral, sleeveless shirt. She told me to meet her at the front entrence. I left a little earlier than neccisery because the day was so nice and sunny. I was about to turn behind the angle of the building when two familiar voices reached my ears. "Go Jake!" I heard Amanda say. 28
"Why are you so anxious to get rid of me?" Jake asked her. 29
"I'm meeting a friend. We need some girl time." She emphasized the word girl.30
"Lately all you want is girl time. I'm beginning to wish I never left Rosie in the first place. But then she was just avoiding me and thing were getting really out of hand. Not like I ment them to." My heart was racing. Was this that happened? Was Amanda the girl that I had seen Jake with? Had she threatened him that she was going to tell me something if he didn't go out with her? Then, she kept us apart in hopes of us forgetting eachother. I walked foreward to meet them.31
"Rosie!" Jake shouted at me. He ran forward to grip me into a tight hug but I held up a hand and he stopped.32
"Is this what happened?" I asked without looking up at him. He blew out a mouthful of air.33
"You heard that did you?"34
I nodded. "I'm very sorry." he started to plead.35
"Oh, Jake!" I wrapped my hands around him and started to sob. He carefully put his hand on my shoulder and we started to walk forgetting Amanda all togather.36
"What was the thing you didn't want her to tell me?" I wondered.37
He pused for a moment then said:38
A contest entry
- I love you!! by Bethany.
535 points, ended February 15, 34 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Any suggestions on what I can put for the end?
Comments
-
I can -p6 I think this is suposed to be "came"
"Lately all you want is girl time. I'm beginning to wish I never left Rosie in the first place even if you did tell her. But then she was just avoiding me and thing were getting really out of hand. Not like I ment them to." My heart was racing was this that happened? Was Amanda the girl that she had seen Jake with? Had she threatened him that she was going to tell me something if he didn't go out with her? THen, she kept us apart in hopes of us forgetting eachother. I walked foreward to meet them.31
That was a really confusing paragraph.
The story overall needs some editing, and a complete ending.
The end is just very confusing.
It is very good in the beginning and I liked it alot.
Good Jom.

beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 1, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
-
a little confusing at the end, you can edit it becuase i will be reading all entries after the contest closes,
good job though, i like the story line, good luck in the contest =] -
Many spelling errors, such as "jealousy" and "together". Very cute story, although I don't exactly understand. Maybe you should edit a bit to make it more clear to the reader.
Overall, though, good job!
-
P4: "eargent" should be "urgent," unless you meant "eager".
P6: "encouraging" should either be "encouragingly" or it should have a comma before it.
P15: "mask out of clay" would sound better if you left out the "out".
P16: "Igot up" should be "I got up".
"Jake was talking... comfortable with eachother's closeness".... First of all, "eachother" is two words: each other. Also, you haven't mentioned another person yet, so "each other" doesn't belong - unless you add the other person in, such as, "Jack and ---- were taking...."
P21: "complecated" should be "complicated".
P24: "stated to erace" should be "started to erase".
P28: "entrence" should be "entrance.
"neccisery" should be "necessary".
P31: "ment" should be "meant".
"THen... eachother" should be "Then... each other".
P36: "all togather" should be "altogether".
P38: "pused" should be "paused".
Not bad! It needs some editing but the storyline is pretty good. Keep writing.



