Taking Things Literally (And Illogically)

I saw my friend Joel walking past the field I was on and my mouth dropped open almost to the floor. Poor Joel was hunched over, absolute misery on his face and sopping wet from what looked like a miniature storm hovering directly over his head.1

“What happened to you?!” I exclaimed in disbelief.2

He glanced at me with a sullen look and flipped up the hem of his robe. I stared, uncomprehending, at the somewhat shiny, silvery fabric that covered the underside of the cloth. 3

“’Pick whichever robe you want’, they said,” he complained. “’Pick wisely’, they said. Well that’s all well and good but they never told us there’d be consequences.” He let his robe fall back into place and a miniature lightning bolt suddenly flashed out from the cloud and struck Joel on the head. He jumped as the electricity shocked through him but otherwise seemed unharmed. 4

“I’ll see you later,” he said dourly. I watched him go, barely able to contain my laughter as the storm cloud continued to rage over his head, following him unceasingly wherever he went. Occasional flashes of lightning marked his passage – even after he’d gone from my sight – in what was an otherwise cloudless and bright sunny day. 5

I was still standing there when I heard laughter behind me. “That’s the trouble with silver linings. You always get clouds with them.”6

I turned to see Bobby, one of the team captains, with a wide grin on his face.7

“What do you mean?” I asked. Dim witted as I was, I still had no idea why Joel was being rained on.8

“You’re a right newbie, aren’t you? He chose the robe with the silver lining. On the day of the choosing, all the initiates get to pick the style of robe they wish to wear. There’s always someone who has posh tastes or thinks mightily of themselves and takes the fancier robes with the metallic coloured linings.” He smirked. “They always regret it afterwards.”9

I shook my head, glad I hadn’t chosen the path of an initiate. “Is it a prank? Why don’t the masters do something to stop it?”10

Bobby laughed. “That’s the thing. It is the masters who do it. No one quite knows why but they swear it’s for a good reason. Builds character or something, supposedly. Look, don’t worry about your friend. He’s lucky he didn’t choose the robe with the gold lining instead.”11

“What does the gold lining do?”12

“Er… I don’t think you want to know. Seriously. Let me just say that it’s very uncomfortable and not just to the initiate who’s stuck with it.” 13

He put a hand on my shoulder. “But anyway,” he said and I thought I saw a mischievous twinkle in his eye as he steered me back to the field. “You’ve got your own problems to worry about now.”14

He was right. I’d just newly come to this academy and hadn’t yet been fully accepted by the masters. The test match I was about to play was just one of three trials I had to go through before I could even be considered. So as you can imagine, I was taking it very seriously. 15

But I should have known that, after that whole cloud incident, something ridiculous was awaiting me as well.16

The game started off well, just the way I had played it as a child. I scooted under the hoops, dove into the fray of the other two teams and rescued the ball with my stick a dozen times. 17

At one point, I broke free and was racing to the other end of the field where the goal awaited me. The other teams had been careless and there were absolutely no other players ahead of me to stop my scoring. 18

The two closest were right behind me but they couldn’t seem to match my speed as I hurtled forwards. The goalposts loomed up before me. In three seconds, I was going to win this match and pass the first of my trials with ease. 19

I counted down as I drew near. 3... 2... 1...20

I readied myself for victory and swung back my stick to send the ball flying.21

And froze in midair. 22

I blinked but what I’d just seen was a reality. At the very last moment, someone had moved the goalposts. Where they had been moments before, they weren’t there any longer. I skidded to a halt, sending clumps of earth flying as I dug in my heels and twisted my head around like a mad owl trying to see who had taken them. And where. 23

The two challengers who’d been yapping at my feet nearly fell over themselves in leaping for the ball, seemingly oblivious to the fact that my goal – and my victory – had just vanished into thin air. 24

And what did I do? I stood there like a blind idiot. I was expecting to hear a penalty whistle blow at any moment but to my disbelief the game continued. Before I knew it, the other team had scored and the game was over. We’d lost. I’d lost. I’d failed my first trial.25

Bobby came running up to me. “Hey! Why’d you stop? You were on a roll!”26

The injustice of it welled up inside me and I turned to him in outrage. “What do you mean, ‘why’d I stop?’ Didn’t you see? They moved the goalposts!”27

Bobby looked at me for a moment then said, “So what? That’s no reason to stop. You could’ve scored!”28

“Well yeah if they hadn’t moved the goalposts,” I snapped in disgust. “Who does that?”29

He feigned a look of surprise. “Oh? Don’t tell me no one told you about that?”30

For the second time that day, my mouth dropped open. “You’re kidding me. That’s a rule?” I couldn’t believe my ears. “That’s ridiculous!”31

“No it’s not. One of the other teams managed to claim the goal for themselves. Of course the goalposts would move to their part of the field.” He looked at me steadily. “Listen, you’re a good player and I could do with you on this team. But if you can’t handle the way we do things around here then this isn’t the place for you.”32

I shut my gob at that – strike one against my being accepted into the academy – but inside I was furious. The rest of the day, and several days after, were spent brooding like the black storm that was still going on above Joel’s head. But strangely enough, over the next week I saw even more ludicrous and nonsensical things than I’d ever thought possible before.33

One of them was the kid who’d picked the robe with the gold lining. I’d thought Joel’s cloud was bad but at least it didn’t storm on him all the time. The poor sucker in gold had a miniature sun above his head which gave him no peace at any time of the day. No peace to anyone around him either.34

When I saw him, he was wearing sunglasses and a wide brimmed hat and I could see him sweltering even from a distance. There was never any doubt about his whereabouts. He was even easier to spot than Joel. The place would suddenly get brighter and hotter when he was near and would quickly empty of people until he’d passed. It was like being in a desert, the poor sucker. It was just too bright and hot to be around him.35

Time passed and the day of my second trial arrived. I’d been assigned a war puzzle and was allowed to have Joel’s help in solving it. Thankfully, the storm I’d often seen him drenched in had passed and now the cloud above his head was a fluffy white cotton ball of the sort you’d expect to see on a warm spring day. 36

I looked at the war puzzle for the hundredth time that day but no matter how hard I studied it, how hard Joel and I looked at it, we just couldn’t figure it out. It seemed impossible.37

“This is ridiculous!” I finally exclaimed. “I swear, it would be easier to hide an elephant behind a scrap of confetti than to solve this!”38

Joel’s movements stilled and I couldn’t help but notice the cloud seemed to have frozen as well. I wondered if that was a sign that Joel would soon be hit with hail or snow but quickly dismissed the thought in case it should actually happen.39

After a moment’s contemplation, Joel looked at me. “You know, I think you might have something there.”40

I rolled my eyes, about to respond with sarcasm. Then I realised he was serious.41

After a bit more thought he sat up straight, the cloud over his head bobbing up at the same instant. His eyes were wide as he said to me, “I think I’m right. It really would be easier and with the right logic it could potentially be a solution. I think we should do it.”42

I looked at him scornfully but then it began to dawn on me. This place was illogical and ridiculous. The cloud over Joel’s head and all the other things that had happened during the week was testimony to that. 43

“Alright,” I said slowly, pondering the issue. After a moment’s hesitation I groaned and shook my head. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but just how exactly do we go about hiding an elephant behind a scrap of confetti?”44

“Well, think about it this way. What the master’s not expecting to see is this particular ‘elephant’. If we change it rather dramatically, for example by covering it in confetti, then technically it’s not the same ‘elephant’ is it?”45

“I ¬– suppose.” My mind struggled to accept this new nonsense but when I thought about everything else, it didn’t seem too farfetched really. “So basically,” I started, making it up as I went along, “we get this small settlement to dress themselves up like the enemy, tricking the invading otherworlders who look completely alien to them and overthrowing all their millions when it’s least expected?”46

“Sure, why not?” Joel was watching me carefully. “What do you think?”47

I hesitated, not quite willing to let go of my reasoning and logic. I’d failed my first trial when I’d lost the game and so now I absolutely had to pass this second trial to still have a chance at gaining acceptance in the academy. But by moonrise – the deadline for giving my answer – no other solution was forthcoming.48

“It’s a bit crazy but I guess it’s feasible,” I finally assented reluctantly, but inside my mind was screaming that it was a crazy plan that just wouldn’t work. So with some trepidation, I approached the master with my “solution”, explaining the “confetti-ed elephant” approach.49

He was silent for a while after I’d finished and I resigned myself to never getting into the academy of my dreams. I was fully expecting him to blast me from the spot right then and there for my ridiculousness but then, to my surprise, the master smiled. 50

“Excellently done!” he said. “You are grasping the way things work here and are adapting – if somewhat slowly. It is now my pleasure to tell you that you are now accepted into the academy.”51

I stared at him, stunned. Had I actually passed the second trial? “But I failed my first,” I protested, struggling to get my mind around this new and unbelievable news. 52

“Indeed,” the master said with a grin. “You failed the first trial because you took everything much too seriously. It had nothing to do with scoring a goal or winning the game. This affected the last two trials we picked out for you. The second trial, as you know, was to solve the war puzzle but this was not doable without thinking outside the box, outside your standard logic and reasoning. You have now done this with Joel’s help and thus you have passed the second trial.”53

I shook my head, my mind numb. “And the third?”54

“Ah. Well in solving the war puzzle, you opened your mind to new possibilities that did not follow what you deemed was logical. More importantly, you accepted them as workable solutions. This was the essence of your third trial because we, the masters, determined you are much too seriously minded and thus restricted in your thinking. This academy is a place of growth, a place where anything and everything is possible. To be accepted here is to be open to what seems to be even the most ridiculous of notions. Wouldn’t you agree?”55

I hesitated, feeling an insane urge to laugh, but then I nodded my head, just glad that I was officially accepted into the academy.56

The master took note of this and inclined his head. “True, you have a long way to go before you can contest with us but it is the opening of the mind and the beginning of acceptance that is the important thing.57

“In so saying,” he added with a twinkle in his eye, “I now welcome you heartily to the academy.” He held out his hand to congratulate me and I shook it without thinking. Perhaps not surprisingly, an electric shock jumped up my arm from the lightning beetle he’d been hiding in the palm of his hand.58