One of my grenades dropped and rolled noisily down the long room. Raykord stopped it with his foot.
" No unnecessary risks means no unnecessary noises," he hissed, picking it up and handing it to me.
" Thanks, " I replied, attaching it back onto my leather belt. We crept forward across the hall and peered through the thin opening in the metallic door. A large, unguarded generator stood in the centre, lifted off the ground by a small ledge and connected to three thick pipes running under the latticed floor. We walked in to the room, softly closing the door behind us. Guitten took out his bomb and placed it behind the generator. He clicked a few buttons and stepped back.
" We're gonna split up from here, " said Baitov. " I'll go with Raykord. You and Lote will destroy those engines. "
" Fair enough, " Raykord sighed, knowing he would be bossed by the elder soldier. " We'll see back at the deck." We headed off in different directions. The hours spent memorizing the stolen blueprints finally paid off as Guitten and myself journeyed through the cold maze of deserted corridors and control rooms. The Sirese were never creative, and the grey halls looked dull and dreary and colourless. The engines stood in a spacious room illuminated by two lights at each end. They consisted of two cross-like shapes on top of a circular rack and pinion mechanism, which hammered away in tune with the passing seconds. We took out the bombs and positioned them carefully under the pinion's V-shaped supports.
" Is it really gonna be this easy? " Guitten let out a short laugh. " If only everything was this simple. " Suddenly the left door flew open and two soldiers stumbled inside. We fell to the ground and pushed ourselves under the engine supports, looking out at the two pair of boots. They were drunk, mumbling in their own language as they pushed and shoved each other. Quickly tiring from the squabble, one sunk down to the floor like like a jelly, laughing to himself. I dared a quick glance at the other's face. He looked stupid, staring blankly at the engines with his reddened face. He exclaimed and shambled shakily forward. I withdrew as far away as I could.
" He has noticed the bomb, " Guitten whispered, panic rising in his voice.
" Don't move, " I replied. The soldier picked up the bomb and shook it. Nothing happened and he bagan to click away at the buttons, an amused expression crossing his face.
" He'll get us killed," Guitten whispered.
" Don't move," I tried to grab his shirt but it was too late. Guitten pushed himself forward and fired at the soldier. Hit in the chest, the soldier took a few steps back and came crashing onto the floor with the bomb still in his grasp. The other sobered quickly, whipping out his gun and firing one shot in our direction, missing us narrowly as the bullet sparked off the engines. I steadied the scope and fired a shot at his head. It connected. He groaned and dropped his gun. The alarms went off.
" *bunny*! Let's get out of here! " We ran back to the generators, tracing our steps yet trying to avoid the sources of Sirese cries. A young soldier appeared half way across the last corridor, screaming to the others. He lifted his automatic rifle and fired at Guitten, who tripped over his feet and straggled onto the ground. I raised my 9mm and pulled the trigger, hitting him in the upper torso as he tried to duck. He fell to the side against the wall with a quiet " humph " and lay still.
" H-h-he got m-me," Guitten stammered through gritted teeth as he lay on his side clutching his leg. A nasty wound exposed the flesh and several shreds of the shattered bone. I took him by the arms and heaved him onto my shoulders.
" H-h-how much d-do you w-w-w-weigh?" it was my turn to stammer. We continued towards the top deck, Guitten holding his rifle and pretending he was covering my back not to seem completely helpless. I came around the last corner only to be knocked right back down by a shadowy figure, Guitten screaming in pain as his foot connected with the floor. I recognised the individual.
" Sorry 'bout that. Alright? " asked Baitov, stretching out a helping hand. " I heard those pesky alarms and thought I'd better make myself useful down at your end. "
" By sprinting like a madman? "
Baitov noticed Guitten's wound and chuckled.
" And I thought you could take care of yourselves, " he smiled.
" Cut out the bull and help me up," Guitten snapped," it hurts bad. "
" Of course it does. Next time it's gonna be your brains. "
" How was I supposed to see him, " Guitten snapped back. Baitov hauled him off the floor and put him across his shoulder, not a grunt or sigh to be heard. One giant ox of a man. It wasn't long before we came along Pace and the rest of the squad.
" What took so long? Who set them off?" he shouted, blood rushing to his face.
" I did, sir," Guitten mumbled from behind Baitov's back.
" Where's Raykord? "
A thin smile crossed Baitov's face. " We got separated. Wouldn't worry too much though. He's a bright boy. He'll blow a hole in the ship and jump out in no time. "
" Never liked that kid, " Pace grumbled. " Alright! We have little time! Everyone up NOW!" We scaled the rungs and emerged onto the familiar deck. It had stopped raining, but the wet surface had caved to the weather's wraith and had turned to a thin slippery coating. A sudden tremor went through the ship as Pace tapped our detonators.
" All right, " he whispered to himself. " Ready?"
" Sir, yes sir!"
" Let's go then..." he jumped over the airship's board, followed by Narisson and Glasto. I leaped into the air and into the darkness.
" One...two...three," counting to five, I pulled the ring. The parachute opened up behind me and snapped into shape. I hung in the still darkness, thinking of Raykord.
Author notes
The continuation. Hope you like it. Thanks to all who comment.
Comments
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When will you start posting in group?
When will you start posting in group? so I don't lose sight of your novel. I would like to watch it grow.
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On to your second post. This rather felt like part of the first chapter. I couldn’t see a reason for designating it a separate one but that’s your choice
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The action continues to hold the reader’s attention. The battle is visible and the characters’ reactions and dialogue quite believable.
I picked out a few things for you to consider;One of my grenades dropped and rolled noisily down the long room. Raykord stopped it with his foot. ( JMHO This is too calm for the opening and the activity taking place. We moved down those ladders as one silent entity. The sound of a single exhale could give us away. I dropped a grenade. I froze as I watched it roll noisily down the long room. Raykord stopped it with his foot.)
" Fair enough, " Raykord sighed, knowing (expecting). he would be bossed by the elder soldier. " We'll see (You or ya )back at the deck."
(PB) We headed off in different directions.
(PB)The hours spent memorizing the stolen blueprints finally paid off as Guitten
We fell to the ground and pushed ourselves under the engine supports, looking out at the(remove the) two pair (pairs) of boots.
Quickly tiring from the squabble, one sunk down to the floor like like (double word) a jelly, laughing to himself.
He looked stupid, staring blankly at the engines with his reddened face. (face echoes and the end one isn’t necessary to carry the idea. He looked stupid staring blankly at the engines. )
A young soldier appeared half way across the last corridor, screaming to the others. He lifted his automatic rifle and fired at Guitten, who tripped over his feet and straggled onto the ground. I raised my 9mm and pulled the trigger, hitting him in the upper torso as he tried to duck. (this sounds like he shot Guitten? Since I know he didn’t grin try --I raised my 9mm and pulled the trigger, hitting the enemy soldier in the upper torso as he tried to duck. He fell to the side against the wall with a quiet " humph (thump) " and lay still."
And I thought you could take care of yourselves, (." He) he smiled..
It wasn't long before we came along (across) Pace and the rest of the squad.(long echoes)
We scaled the rungs and emerged onto the familiar deck. It had stopped raining, but the wet surface had caved to the weather's wraith and had turned to a thin slippery coating. A sudden tremor went through the ship as Pace tapped our detonators. (Try this without those pesky had. We scaled the rungs and emerged onto the familiar deck. No longer was it raining, but the wet surface had caved to the weather's wraith (wrath) and became a thin slippery coating.)
A sudden tremor went through the ship as Pace tapped our detonators." Let's go then..." he (He) jumped over the airship's board, followed by Narisson and Glasto.
I hung in the still darkness, thinking of Raykord. (Query was he just thinking or was he worrying about Raykord.)
Geri


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exciting!
This was very good. I have a few suggestions though...
A large, unguarded generator stood in the centre, lifted off the ground by a small ledge and connected to three thick pipes running under the latticed floor
{I think you are using too many adjectives. and I think they are bland and cliche...large...small...thick. maybe choose one and make it a little more original.}
An unguarded generator stood in the center, lifted off the ground by a ledge and connected to three hefty pipes, the size of a man's arm, running under the latticed floor
{Ok...a little lame, but you know what I mean
He exclaimed and shambled shakily forward
{I think this line is very awkward. I don't think shakily is a word...maybe. He said, stumbling forward.}
who tripped over his feet and straggled onto the ground
{here again, I don't think straggled is a word, maybe..tumbled?
I think you have a very good scene here. If I were you, I would buy these two books, memorize them and take another look at your story. I bet you could make it perfect.
http://www.amazon.com/Self-Editing-Fiction-Writers-Renni-Browne/dp/0062720465
http://www.amazon.com/Writing-Stephen-King/dp/0340820462


