The last few days of living in New York were horrible. I thought my mum would be sympathetic to me, and kind. However I don’t think I have ever seen her in a worse mood. She snapped at me so easily and she was extremely stressed.1
It was Sunday night, the night before I left. I was depressed, I didn’t want to leave. I had begged my mum for three hours straight to let me stay, but she just tuned out whenever I spoke to her. I folded the last few of my clothes. I looked around and saw a dull room, with nothing but boring furniture.2
It caused me terrible pain to see my room like this. I have never been the kind of girl who liked empty things; it always reminded me of my heart, empty and dull. Moving to a new school in a new place would be different to me than most other girls. Because I didn’t have any best friends, yet alone any friends at all to say goodbye. However it was still going to be the most difficult thing I will ever have to experience, being away from mom.3
My mouth started quivering and I could feel tears about to pour from my eyes. I shut them, trying to think of something else, but nothing could distract the fact that I had to live at a boarding school. I opened my eyes again, and almost instantly warm fat tears rolled down them. They kept coming no matter how hard I tried to keep them in. I lay down in my bed dreading the next day.4
“Hurry up and wake up Samantha,” screamed my mother from down in the kitchen. “We have to leave in 30 minutes and if you are not ready you are in humongous trouble!”5
I rolled over throwing the pillows over my ear. I could not care less if I was late, actually it would be wonderful if I was. I lay in bed for another few minutes until I heard heavy footsteps coming up the stairs. 6
“What are you still doing in bed you lazy thing?” my mother screamed at me as she slammed through my door.7
“I was just about to get up, jeez mother, why don’t you just calm down?” I replied tiredly.8
I regretted my words as soon as they came out of my mouth. I knew they would make mum furious, and that is exactly what they did. She started screaming all sorts of insults at me and threatened me with heaps of punishments. 9
I could not understand her attitude lately. Why was she always so cranky and scary? I think mom was not telling me something. I will always know that she would never lie to me, but that doesn’t mean she has to tell me everything. I could almost see it in her wide eyes that something was going on. I didn’t know whether it was me, work or worst of all my father. 10
Half an hour later I was dressed and ready to depart to boarding school. I hoped she would have a sudden change of mind, but I knew this wasn’t going to happen as she slammed the front door and locked it. I could tell I was just causing her too much pain to continue living with her.11
We arrived at the train station with ten minutes to spare. I hated travelling by train, but it was the only transport we could afford other then the bus and there was no way I was going to enter one of those.12
“Well bye mom,” I said finally after looking at her for a few minutes. 13
She burst into tears and gave me a big hug, “I’m so sorry dear, but I had to send you, I had no other choice, and I’m really sorry about my attitude these past few days, I just didn’t want to leave you.”14
“That’s ok mom,” I said. “I will be on my best behaviour at boarding school. I hated lying to mom but it would be the only this to say to her to make her less worried. I think it would be impossible for me to behave at that atrocious school. It was an all girls, catholic school according to the brochure I read about it and by the looks of the class room, only rich kids went there. 15
I stepped onto the train and gave my last few good byes to mom. She was still crying however they were starting to subside. “Bye,” I yelled out of the window as the train started to move, I will see you on the holidays.” And with that, the train turned the corner and out of site. 16
Author notes
be harsh!
In a list
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Good job, there's a few grammatical errors but I think they've been pointed out by other people already. Keep up the good work! -Liz
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another great chapter. you know they help you with all the gramar, why didn't you edit it?? it will be much better. srry. but anyway. i luv this chapter.t hank..
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I only error I really caught was the very last word in the very last paragraph. Instead of 'site' it should be 'sight' I love it so far, keep it up!
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Here's what jumped out at me.
In Paragraph 15, I don't think you need a comma after "girls" and because Catholic is a type of school and a religion you might want to capitalize that.
Other than that, nice work!
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still interesting, can't wait to see where it ends up
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Exellent!!!
That was the best story i have read ever since reading twilight. My god if you get this published i will be the first to read it1 cant wait to find out what happens in the end anyway exellent job. Fantastic you should be proud!!!
From cass
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Very good!
I can perfectly see the personality of your main character now. 
Excellent work!
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hehe! keep it up! i luv this story!
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Great chapter
I am really enjoying your story. I will eventually get it all read. You are really a talented writer.
Keep up the good work.
Trish
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Okay, I'm going to address the story, one paragraph (P) at a time.
P3: Wow. GREAT sentence in paragraph 3 : "... it always reminded me of heart, empty and dull." It made me want to comfort this fictional character.. wow, thats odd. Since you already used the word "empty" in that sentence, use something else, like "echoing" or "blank". The last sentence is a run-on and confusing, you could tweak a bit.
P4: Actually made me cry. Good work there. I really felt her pain.
P6: first sentence:... huh?
P13: add comma after "well"
P14: add quotation marks after, "as the train started to move," Also, You should make "I will see you..." into "I'll see you..." because this girl seems to have casual relationship with her mom, though she loves her very much on the inside. Lastly, you mispelled "sight" as "site". hee hee.
Overall, great chapter. However On to chapter 4!
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I am not a good critic but I can say I like your writing and I can't stop reading this story. Keep writing!
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Okay so, first of all, the critique: In paragraph 3 you had this sentence: "Because I didn't have any best friends,yet again any friends to say goodbye at all." This one really needs to be re-worded, cuz it's a tad on the confusing side.
In paragraph 4 it should be "nothing could distract FROM the fact..."
In paragraph 5 you had "Hurry up and wake up." This is okay, and I don't usually mess with quotes, but if you could re-word it so "up" only comes in once, it would just sound a little better.
In paragraph 10: "I will always know that she will never lie to me, but..." Once again, the tense is a little confusing. Maybe just, "I know she would never lie to me, but..."
Paragraph 15: should be, "It would be the only THING to say..."
Sorry if it seems like I'm being nit-picky, but I am. You're still doing great. -
Boarding school, eh?...
Another writer, Lady Madeline, she used to be, has a very long story the yours reminds me of. As I read from chapter to chapter, I can see your writing style tighten up and show improvement, good things all.
Going to repeat the read, read, read and write, write, write, thing and give special attention to the way characters talk to each other and how they think silent, unspoken thoughts.
Your story does develop nicely and evenly and remains consistent and that too is a good thing.
Keep pecking away!
Amicus...
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u know my verdict already
loved it of course but u kept changing from mom to mum vise versa.
everybody else be sure to check out my story called Midnight by twilight-rox110 thanx.
from ur friend
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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That was sad, no errors. Nice job!
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No Words
Love it, but i love all you're stories so....
Well done
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cool. i like it very much. And that line "geez mother" sounded very samantha horan like. lol. it woz great
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Interesting write. You have drawn me into this girl's life and I believe I shall have to go back and read the first few chapters.
There are a few technical errors here. The first is within these two sentences:
I thought my mum would be sympathetic to me, and kind. However I don’t think I have ever seen her in a worse mood. <-The first is a complete sentence; that's great. The second, however, is incomplete. I would suggest using a semi-colon in place of the period and putting a comma after the word "however". Just a thought.
Also, throughout the story, you are using the word "Mom" as the woman's name, so it should be capitalized when Samantha addresses her, just as a proper pronoun (like a name).
Hope this helps. Keep up the good work; I look forward to reading more about Samantha's adventure.
~Battie
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Putting right along! Now I want to know what the mom's reasons are for sending her away in the first place. If there even are any hidden motives. I happily await Chapter 4.
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I know how hard it is to say good bye to someone you love so much, and I can see that you've got the feelings right.
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IT'S SO BAD TO SAY A "GOODBYE" TO SOMEONE...AND U LET OUT UR EMOTIONS SO WELL...!!!
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Hey again, moving along very nicely, I guess we are going to see how she fits in a new school. I love the idea, but still for me third person works better for me, but again the choice is yours.
turned the corner and out of site(sight)
Sarah.
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