I’d known Persephone belonged to me ever since I first laid eyes on her. She’d only been a delicate sixteen years old when her laughing, unafraid eyes and glowing innocence enchanted me. Demeter, goddess of the Harvest, was immensely fond of her child and strove to hide her away from everyone else. Persephone was far too young for me to even consider the idea of stealing her away. Even I, Lord of the Underworld, was not that sick.1
However, the years ticked away. As an outcast in the Olympic society, I didn’t have a chance to see Persephone. Her shrew of a mother closely guarded her, preventing me from ever spying. I only heard tales of her beauty, of her kindness. But when Demeter had announced the ball that was being thrown in order to celebrate Persephone’s blooming as a woman, nothing could have kept me away.2
It had been a few years since I’d last seen the child. Compared to my age, those years only seemed like a blink. With no friends or remotely friendly acquaintances to speak of, time just stretched in front of me like a bleak, cold road. For once in my existence, I actually looked forward to something. 3
On the night of the ball, I tore a rift from the Underworld to Mount Olympus and stepped through it, arriving at Demeter’s mansion. The rift closed behind me as I walked towards the door. Gods were still arriving, and Dionysus passed me. I noted the look of incredulity on his face at seeing me attending an affair such as this, and I smelt the fear on his skin before he walked inside. A smile curving my lips, I followed behind him. Let the lowlife frat boy be afraid. He had a reason to be.4
The interior of the mansion was beautifully disgusting, with ostentatious ceiling paintings and grand chandeliers. A huge marble staircase dominated the back end of the entrance room, and the rest of the space was filled with people of every stature and importance. As soon as I stepped foot on the threshold, every pair of eyes were drawn to my figure, and an overwhelming scent of fear hit my senses.5
It was no real mystery what everyone was afraid of. I was rarely seen out of the Underworld, and it was even rarer to see me on Mount Olympus. Undoubtedly they thought I was here to collect souls or some such matter. I was given a wide berth by anyone with a sense of reason as I walked forward and leaned against a wall.6
Moments later, Demeter approached me, unsurprisingly.7
“What are you doing here?” the shrew demanded, her green eyes flashing.8
“This is a public party, is it not, dear sister?” I replied, amused at her animosity.9
“If you want to live, you best not even go near my daughter,” Demeter hissed. 10
“Now really, is this any way to treat a valuable guest? I’m only here to see your daughter, just like everyone else. I have no intention of touching her.” Yet.11
A sudden, desperate light entered her eyes. “Please Hades, please don’t take her. It’s not her time, she’s only begun living!”12
“Why does everyone assume that I’m here to kill someone just because I’m at Mount Olympus?” I snapped. “I’m not here to take your daughter, so relax and enjoy your damn party. There are guests more in need of attention than I am.”13
With a haughty sniff, the goddess of harvest turned her back on me and walked off. I restrained the flare of anger I felt at Demeter’s arrogance. The woman had never liked me, although the feeling was common among the deities of Olympus. Fear could inspire many irrational emotions.14
The noise died down as a figure appeared at the top of the stairs. My frozen heart gave a hard thump at the sight of her—Persephone. Words couldn’t describe her beauty. Her hair was as free and flowing as the woman herself, and the white gown was pale against her tanned skin. Even from across the room, I could see the way her eyes sparkled, and the way she nervously bit her full bottom lip. 15
She was all that was good and pure.16
I was all that was dark and death.17
How could I so much as even speak to her? How could I taint something so precious with my presence?18
She was hesitant as she walked down the stairs. She didn’t have the flowing grace that was common amongst the goddesses, but a firmer, less stable walk that I couldn’t help but find appealing.19
What a sick, cradle-robbing demon I am, I thought wryly.20
All eyes were turned towards her. Persephone was flushed from all the attention and I could sense her heart beating frantically from nerves. It was the first time I had ever found anything cute. Midway down the stairs, Persephone looked up, searching the many faces that had showed up to witness the grand event of her availability as a woman, and her gaze met mine.21
Time stopped moving. Everything ceased to exist…everything but her eyes, which were warm pools of swirling green, gold and brown of every shade. Our gazes held as she took another step down, but since she wasn’t looking at her feet, she slipped and started falling. 22
*** (Persephone's point of view)23
Wow.24
That was my one thought as I scanned the crowd and spotted the one face that had spoken the loudest to me. His obsidian black eyes blazed at me with an intensity that I found extremely appealing. That intensity was something that I only imagined in my dreams. The rest of his face was hidden by shadows, creating a mysterious aura around him. Curiousity pricked me. I wanted to know who this man was—wanted to know why those eyes burned so brightly.25
Of course, like the klutz I was, I slipped on the stupid step. I’d told my mom that I hadn’t needed a whole damn party just for me, but did she listen? Nooo. And the fact that I was going to be surrounded by the beauty of all the other goddesses hadn’t helped my self-esteem at all. They were tall and skinny, and I was short and…not skinny. Really, why so many people showed up to my debutant ball I couldn’t fathom. 26
I knew something like this was going to happen. I was falling, in front of all these people. I was going to ruin my reputation as a lady even before it started. 27
But before I could hit the hard marble, I felt arms wrap around me, stopping my fall. Shocked, I stared at the floor, which was only a foot away from my face. The arms that had saved me pulled me up so that I was standing again, and I looked up into the face of the man whose eyes had burned so brightly before. They were burning now, an inferno of barely-contained passion. I watched in fascination as the smallest flecks of blue and purple jumped around in the churning black that were his irises. 28
A lock of inky hair fell into his eyes. He righted me, and even though I was on the next step up from him, he towered over my form.29
“I’m, um, really s-sorry,” I stuttered idiotically. He smelt like ash and musk—and it was delicious.30
“Do not trouble yourself, my lady,” the man said. A crooked smile tinged his lips, giving his harsh features a softer, more boyish look. My heart melted for that smile.31
“Get away from my daughter!” 32
I winced as my mother’s screech cut through the air. The warmth that had sparkled in his eyes diminished abruptly at the sound. He turned to leave. A harsh burst of fear hit me, and I grabbed his arm before he could go.33
“Wait! Will we meet again?” I asked. Desperation tinged my voice.34
A small amount of life returned to his cold eyes. “Perhaps, my lady…perhaps.” 35
And with that, he turned and opened a portal in the air. The cold darkness coming from the portal chilled my skin, and with a small amount of horror, I watched as the man calmly walked into the black abyss.36
***37
I was walking through my mother’s extensive garden, painting the petals of the flowers. It had been weeks since the encounter with the imposing man, whose name I still did not know. I blushed as I thought about the dreams I'd been having ever since the first night I met him. We talked in most of the dreams--I told him my deepest secrets, my interests, my desires. He in turn shared everything with me. He said he was a demon, a terrible being that should not corrupt my "innocence". But I knew the truth. I knew that he couldn't be such a beast if I felt so safe with him.38
I laughed softly at my own silly thoughts. It wasn't as if those dreams were real. It wasn't as if it was really him I was speaking with during those heavenly dreams...I sighed heavily.39
My mother refused to speak of the mysterious man, and I didn’t have any other friends within the Olympic society to get information from. My mother guarded me much too closely…in fact, I could feel her eyes on me right now. I knew my mom was only making sure that I didn’t get hurt, but couldn’t she tell that she was suffocating me with her overprotective actions?40
I ached to see that man again. I wanted to fix the cold bleakness I had seen in his eyes. He was my choice for a husband…if only I knew who he was. It was strange how closely linked I felt to him just because of reoccuring dreams. But I felt as if the Fates were trying to tell me something.41
Shaking away the thought, I knelt down beside a patch of particularly perky daisies. “Well hello there,” I whispered kindly. I held out my palette. “What color would you like to be painted?”42
Their eager squeals tickled my ears. Laughing, I dipped my brush and replaced the drab old gray with a pristine white. 43
“I do declare that you look absolutely lovely,” I told them, smiling. Their happiness touched me sweetly.44
As I turned to patiently waiting roses, a sudden crash had me turning around. 45
And that’s when I saw him.46
He was on a massive, midnight-black steed. The man wore an open-neck shirt and clinging black pants. His cape swirled around him mysteriously, and his aura spoke of underlying danger. The sun shone brightly behind him, giving him a look of a fallen angel. 47
Without thinking, I stood and ran to him, my heart pounding madly. I’d missed him so much. I’d craved the sight of him, the feel of him, his voice…everything.48
I stopped in front of him, the breath rushing in and out of my chest. Amusement warmed his scarred face. He held out a hand to me and I didn’t hesitate in grabbing it. Ungracefully, I clambered onto the horse. When I succeeded in only draping myself on the mammoth beast, the man wrapped his arm around my waist and easily swung me up to a sitting position.49
I leaned back onto his chest, reveling in the feel of his brutally hard muscles. One arm came around me, wrapping me in a feeling of security and warmth. It was so much better than the dreams...50
“Never let me go,” I whispered. The words were unexpected—but they felt right. 51
“Never.” His breath ruffled my pixy-like hair. 52
Digging his heels into the horse’s flank, we traveled through the portal that suddenly appeared. To where, I didn’t know. For some reason, I didn’t care.53
My mother’s mindless shriek was the last thing I heard before I completely left Mount Olympus, and inky blackness closed around me.54
*** (Hades’ point of view)55
Did I really hold her in my arms? Was that really her precious heat soaking through my clothes and warming my very soul? It was simply too good to be true. The trust in her gorgeous, multi-colored eyes had affected me like nothing else ever had. I wanted to revel in her sweet innocence, in her unconditional affection.56
She did not run from me even in her dreams. As Lord of the Underworld, I had the power to step into any realm I wanted--and her dreams had been easy enough to invade. Not only was she beautiful, but she had an intelligent, witty mind, and she was sweetly innocent in a way that the most beautiful of goddesses would never be.57
I hadn't been able to be in her dreams because I had not known which was hers, having never seen Persephone before. But now I knew exactly who she was, and knew I was claiming her as my queen. In my countless years of existence, I had never found another being so appealing. I could not allow her to slip from my fingers. 58
There would most certainly be repercussions for such an action—I could feel the very earth tremble at Demeter’s vast rage. I couldn’t bring myself to care. I had what I wanted.59
My horse, Vladimir, had been traveling through the portal at speeds unachievable by any other creature. In a matter of minutes, we had crossed the rivers of the Underworld, and had touched down at the central palace. We slid off of the beast, and I allowed Persephone to soak in the scenery. My kingdom’s aura was weighed down by the pain and despair of the dead, transforming it into the dark, twisted horror imagined by the humans. I did not have any control over the way my kingdom looked—it was shaped by the souls that came here. All of the negative energy brought down by the deceased humans infected the lands. The only place unaffected by this was the Elysian Fields, which was the paradise people craved.60
Persephone stared up at my imposing castle with a look of wonder on her face. Then she froze. I had time to feel a sliver of dread before she whirled around to face me. 61
“Who are you? I don’t even know your name!”62
I felt a disappointment so bitter it threatened to consume me. She had only joined me because she had thought I was some kind of pure, noble prince. She didn’t know who I truly was. I retracted completely from her, and felt myself fall into the cold, blank mask that I had worn for the past millennia.63
“I’m so sorry, my lady,” I forced myself to say. “I thought you knew. I shall take you back to your home immediately.”64
Confusion colored the delicate lines of her face. “What? I never said I was going anywhere. I just asked who you were, is all. In the name of Zeus, I don’t even know your name!”65
“Hades.” The word was a curse that passed from my stiff lips. “Lord of the Underworld, reaper of the dead, keeper of souls. My lady, it is obvious that you had no previous knowledge of who I am. It’s senseless to keep you in a relationship that is one-sided.”66
“Hades!?” Her jaw dropped. “W-what?”67
Unable to bear her rejection, I turned back to Vladimir, readying his saddle once again. I swallowed every single emotion, forcing them into a chamber deep within my tainted soul. Hope was the worst kind of torture.68
I felt a dainty hand on my shoulder. I stiffened.69
“Hades,” came her soft plea. “Please, look at me.”70
I gritted my teeth before smoothing my features. I faced her.71
“You have to understand that…well, you’re a king,” she said, her eyes filled with concern. “I’m a mere demigoddess. What would you want to do with me? You could have any powerful goddess that you want—but you chose me. How can you not realize how unbelievable that is?”72
“Wait,” I began incredulously. “You think that you are not worthy of me?”73
Her chin tilted stubbornly. “So?”74
I let out a laugh of pure joy. Sweeping her into my arms, I twirled us both around, happiness a living entity within me. I walked into the castle with her remaining in my arms, where she would hopefully be for the rest of eternity. The servants stared at us in unabashed curiosity. I ignored them, ignored everything, and focused on the woman who completed me.75
We reached my bedroom. Persephone’s laughing face looked up at mine. “Well, someone’s hopeful tonight.” Looking suddenly uncertain, she bit her lip and looked away. "I have a confession to make. I've had dreams about you ever since the first night we met."76
"It was me in those dreams," I admitted. "I couldn't resist mantaining contact with you."77
Her laugh teased my senses. "You sneaky little devil," she said, grinning, not even noticing the pun.78
Unable to resist, I bent to kiss her, but when our lips were a mere whisper away, a crack of lightening thundered through the room. We looked up to see Hermes twittering about the room before landing softly before us.79
“Hades, Persephone must come back with me,” he calmly said. “Orders from Zeus himself.”80
“No,” I said simply. “She’s mine.”81
“Yeah,” Persephone chimed.82
Hermes shook his head. “You don’t understand—the earth is dying. Demeter has frozen all life on the surface. Water has dried up, crops do not grow, and natural disasters are occurring globally. If we do not get Persephone back to her mother, the very creatures we created to worship us will be destroyed.”83
I calmly considered the situation, when an idea occurred to me. “All right. I’ll give her back to you under once condition.”84
Persephone gasped in outrage and wrestled her way out of my arms. I gave her a warning look, trying to tell her that I had a plan. Comprehension dawned, and her anger lost its edge.85
“Which is?” Hermes asked impatiently. 86
“Well, quite simply, she hasn’t had anything to eat since she’s been here. I think it would only be proper if she had a bite to eat before the long trip back to Mount Olympus,” I explained. My entire demeanor was relaxed and sensible. 87
“Fine, fine, just get it quickly.”88
Before the sentence was done, I had summoned a pomegranate into my hand. I reached for the dagger at my hip and sliced it neatly in two. I held it out to Persephone, who looked at me curiously but accepted the fruit anyway. 89
“Eat it all,” I said, staring into her eyes meaningfully. “Even the seeds.”90
Thankfully, she obeyed me, taking huge, scooping bites.91
“NO!”92
The cry was deafening. Demeter could not enter my realm unless I allowed her to, for she was not dead (Hermes had only been able to because he was the universal messenger), but she could apparently still speak through the distance separating us.93
“Persephone, that pomegranate is cursed! Each seed you eat binds you to him!” Demeter continued, her voice frenzied with panic. 94
Looking alarmed, Hermes snatched the remaining pomegranate from her hands. I smiled triumphantly, for the damage had been done. 95
“My love, how many seeds did you eat?” I asked her, taking her sticky hands into mine.96
“Six,” she replied. Ethereal eyes wide, she asked, “What does this mean?”97
“It means I will be able to keep you for six months each year. It’s only half of the time I want to have you, but I will take what I can get.”98
Persephone threw herself into my arms. I clutched her to me, soaking her essence into my very pores. “I will miss you, my lady,” I whispered.99
“And I you,” she replied. Pressing a sweet, brief kiss to my lips, she stepped away. Taking the hand of Hermes, she turned to me and said, “One more thing.”100
“Yes?” It was everything I could do not to rip her away from the messenger god, but in an amazing show of control, I restrained myself.101
“Don’t ever call me ‘my lady’ again. Call me…your queen, for that’s what I wish to be.”102
“You’ll always be my queen,” I declared. “I will wait for you, Persephone.”103
“It’s only six months,” she said with a smile.104
Then she was gone with Hermes back to her bitch of a mother. I felt Demeter’s joy, and felt the life flow back into earth. Winter had turned into summer on the surface with Persephone’s return, but as I looked around my empty bedroom, winter had only begun in the Underworld.
Author notes
This is me retelling the myth of Persephone and Hades, my style. It's a little long, so I understand if it doesn't get many views. But I hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it!
A contest entry
- Random Funk by Owen Aero.
450 points, ended May 1, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Greek Mythology - Three Goddesses by seclusion.
100 points, ended May 15, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
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280 points, ended June 9, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
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Comments
1 - 55 of 55
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Wow. This is an amazing romance. Bravo!
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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This is amazing!!
Plot: 4
Language: 3
Theme: 4
Total: 11
Great work here. Loved the different point of views.
Keep up the excellence!! -
Brilliant. I loved how you switched from Hades POV to Persephone's POV and so on. I loved Hades
One of my favourite Gods.
Thanks for entering my contest!
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Please read the contest rules!
I don't think you read the rules to my contest. I asked for entries to stay under 3000 words. Also, I wanted you to tell me what genre it was in the author notes. Sorry, but I will have to DQ this entry, and I hope you have better luck with it next time!
-Ellie (Rae)
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I did read the rules.
I left a comment on your contest saying that I don't update my AN and therefore put the necessary information in the comment. Also, with the way you worded it, it seemed like a few words over 3000 was okay.
But if you're that strict about it, I understand.
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Nice!
I really enjoyed this. I love mythology, and I really enjoyed the new spin on an old tale. There are pros and cons to using two points of view, and it was a bold but effective move.
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Wow. Just wow. This was an amazing story, you are definately being shortlisted. This was such an original idea! Beautiful descriptions, moods, emotions - everything!
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Amazing!
You write incredibly well, i've read published works that don't even begin to compare to this, i cannot wait to read your work when it gets published, and i'm positive it will, anyways, i love your story, it has really interesting and beautiful descriptions. well done and keep writing!
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Thank you so much!! What do you have published??
(And I'm published as well! We're twinsies.)
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This story was really very good. I like your take on the original story - it's very interesting to consider the point that she might have actually WANTED to be with Hades... congrats on the win!
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^_^ i loved this!
i've always been a fan of greek mythology, and this was just amazzing
i love all the detailed descriptions you put into it!
i couldn't stop reading!!
great job!!
&&
amazzing write
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Thank you so much!
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I like it, it's modern and fun but wicked and ancient all the same.
I feel like you could flesh it out more- add more descriptions, and depth to your characters. You mention THE POMEGRANATE- could it be some ridiculously large, beautiful pomegranate that has some succulent smell? I feel like adding description would create a better story- enter their dreams.
This also feels like a story, because of the split POV, that would be better told in third person, which is a great way to capture all that is going on outside their little world as well? I know changing POV is a major rewrite, but in one of my creative writing classes, I was advised to do that same thing, and it was stunning what a difference it made.
Your Hades is a very twentyfirst century person. I love that, the way he calls Dionysis a frat boy and Demeter a bitch. If you are serious about this story, why not try putting Hades in a bar, collecting a victim, and the victim convinces Hades to tell him/her a little about himself. They end up sharing a drink or something as Hades goes back and relates this story.
I agree with Raeyle- your telling of this story has potential for more. I love the character of Hades a lot more than Persephone's character, although Persephone was believable. I'm trying to remember more stories about Hades that would be interesting to see from his point of view. If not, I think you've got a thorough understanding of the ancient stories, and I'd be interested in seeing takes on those stories from the point of view of the gods, but not in their perfection, but in the flawed hero/ real image that you gave us here.
Oh wow... I don't normally write this much on a revieiw- I hope it made sense, no insult was taken or you didn't feel like I overstepped my bounds in advice. I really do hope you try rewriting this story in a few different ways. What works for some doesn't work for others, but sometimes a better story comes from a completely different direction, like a different POV or a new setting.
I personally felt that this was comparable to the way Cupid's character in ABC's Cupid kind of throws around the names of Greek Gods and his relationship to them- and I love that show (if you haven't seen it, you should... it's amusing). You use modern day imagery well in a classic story.
Lovely job.
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HOORAY! You have no idea the wonders suggestive comments do for my writing. I'll definitely try and add in some descriptions and flesh it out. Thank you so much!
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nice fresh take on an old standard
Wow!
I have read many different takes on this particular story. All placing various emotions, thoughts and points of view on Persephone and Hades.
I have never seen this particular way, however. It is quite refreshing. So I will list all my "thingies" below (thingies is a scientific word btw lol.)
1. Check the spelling of debutant...I think it is debutante, but I could be wrong.
2. The attributes you give to Persephone make her, as a character, several things. a. She is approachable as a character, b. she certainly easy to relate to as a reader. c. the relationship with her mother is believable, d. her reaction to Hades is quite typical of romance books but here it lends a certain spark to the greek story, e. That little play at the end about her being queen, i see a slight streak of "golddigging" well not entirely. More a girl, who sees herself as nothing really finally getting a chance to be almost everything to someone, who isn' her mother or as whacked out as her mother is.(whacked out...another scientific term)
3. Hades is the bomb! You half have him as that exotic latin greek lover, and half as the unapproachable god-which he is. I like how you have him knowing his power, yet having him, a being who all the world fears, being fearful of disappointment, of having his hopes dashed. Makes him more of a man and less of a god. Which of course makes him the perfect hero in a romance!
4. Keep on writing! I would definitely like to see you take this story further, in agreement with Shimmering in a way, I really would like to read the 6 months with Hades thing.
God bless with your writing!
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Thank you so much for reading and leaving a helpful, extensive comment!! I love people like you.
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I love new takes on myths, and I always felt this particular myth was very one-sided, so it was refresghing to see this from everyone's point of view, not just the typical mourning, victimized Demeter, and the kidnapped Persephone. I liked your rich detail, and I could tell that you had a deep understanding of the myth. I was entertained and interested throughout the entire story. Good job.
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Thank you very much for reading and commenting!
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This story was awesome!! I loved it. I liked how you switched between characters so that we get a nice view. For me, it felt like you were able to add a modern touch to your story. Keep writing. >smiles<
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Thank you very much!
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I love your story.
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Thank you very much!
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eh not a big fan, not entirely sure why. sorry.
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Sorry you didn't enjoy it
. Do you have any suggestions on how to make it better...? Or maybe tell me some reasons why you didn't like it? I can handle the criticism.
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I like the bad words, it adds charm to a classic story, and makes it to me, more realsic. Very nice, detailed, and fun to read.
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Thank you.
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wow! A very different take on this myth. Really good! I agree with ShimmeringMirage that she shouldn't have fallen in love quite so fast. I really LOVE Greek mythology and I really enjoyed reading this. Maybe continue? It kind of left ya hanging on the edge of a rather large precipice, with only a thin rope of hope that this would be continued. Lol. I personally would love to read a continuation of this. If you do continue this totally amazing story would you please message me? Thanks a mill! lol.
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Haha I actually didn't consider continuing this story, but now that you mentioned it, I just might...
Anyways, thanks for the comment!
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Oh one more thing--I think she should spend six months with Hades first--it kind of ended too suddenly and left the reader hanging. And maybe she shouldn't have fallen in love with him so fast? It's just a suggesgion.
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Hi, just a tiny comment by way of discussion and me being devils advocate. He had been coming to her in her dreams for a while, no? It does seem that he was indeed letting her into insights on himself as well as letting her give him insights into herself.
And this can in effect be seen as courting albeit not in the traditional sense and over a prolonged period.
Is this point valid or do you have any points that can suggest otherwise? -
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well if it was in her dreams it wasn't real... unless he was possessing her mind like Phantom of the Opera? hmm
But I liked this story I tought it would be cool to make it longer. Valid point, though. ;P -
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Oh nah I definitely agree with making it longer and including the 6 months with Hades thing.
I just figured since he said dreams were just another realm he could step into that it was probably real enough to the gods so maybe he was indeed courting her and so the love grew rather than Lights, actions, *GUSHES* I LOVE YOU HADES!!!
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I loved it!
This was very well written and absorbing but the only thing that took away from the story were words they wouldn't have used--mom, klutz, debutante, frat boy, damn, bitch, etc. If you found words more in the vernacular, then it would flow much better because otherwise it seems like a teenage modernized version. But great job otherwise!!!
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Thank you for reading, and the comment.
As of now, I'm working on a scene to add to this story to extend the time they have together. My only fear is that if I make this story too long, I will lose the attention of my audience. -
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this is amazing you wont lose your audience.
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Yep I already commented on this fine piece of work.
It won't let me rate it again, but I enjoyed a quick read anyway
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Geri
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Sorry I haven't written anything new lately that fits the group requirements *guilt*. Everything been bananas this week and I'll try really hard to do something new next week!
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I loved it!
This is a very creative story, and I loved it. But,it could have done without the harsh language. After all, Demeter will end up being his mother-in-low when he marries Persephone, and I'm sure Persephone would want her love and her mother to be on good terms. Also, after she sees Hades at the ball, I get the impression that Persephone doesn't have quite the same love for her mother that her mother has for her. She left a little too willingly. Perhaps you could have it that she was torn between the two lives. She was so happy when she was painting her flowers (nice touch, by the way. I found that scene so endearing), and it feels like her character should be like that in every aspect. Of course, it's your story. I'm only here to give opinions.
Oh, and one more thing. Instead of having Hermes take Persephone right away, let her spend the first 6 months with Hades so she can get to know him, become his queen, and have the chance to really fall in love with him. Than she can return to her mother. Perhaps that would help with your dilemma on how their love formed so quickly... Not that I don't believe in love at first site.
Good luck on all your future stories. I look forward to reading more! -
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Thank you! FINALLY someone gives me advice on how to make the love more believable! I've recieved quite a few complaints about that and yet no suggestions as to how to fix it, so your words are GREATLY appreciated. Thank you so much for reading and commenting!
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What an amazing story. Is this actually based on the Greek Gods? Of course, I recognize Hades, but not the girl. It is nice to know where the six months of bad weather come from
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It is, as a matter of fact, based off of a real Greek myth and the Greek Gods. Thanks for reading and commenting!
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Yay! i like it! But some of the writing was a little awkward, and they only spent what seemed like a handful of minutes together-maybe you could make sure they had some more time before Hermes carried the message? Anyways, really great!
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Thank you for reading and commenting!
The only thing that was difficult with this story was the love aspect--in the myth all it says is that Hades burst from the earth to steal her back to the Underworld. I just don't know how to make the love believable in a short amount of time.
I really didn't want to drag this story along, so if you have any suggestions to make the love more believable without adding too much to the story, that would be great!
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I really enjoyed your spin on the myth. I love mythology, so this was interesting and fun to read. Everything fell into sync and flowed nicely through the whole story. Great writing!
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I enjoyed this a lot. Awesome job with the blending of mythology and a modern style.
It wasn't that long, and it was definitely interesting enough to keep me going through it pretty easily. Excellent job. Good pace, good style. -
It’s very well written and the plot flows smoothly.
A charming fantasy, you had me feeling sorry for poor frustrated Hades. I prefer this version to the original one.
I am curious; you make Persephone sound like a teenager when she’s supposed to be well over fifty? It’s cute if I rule out the age. Silly if I let myself remember. Maybe you could just not put her age in?
You did a nice job on the humor
; while it makes the reader grin it’s dry enough so one doesn’t feel like laughing. Too much comedy would ruin the mood.
The characters you created are colorful and visible and the dialogue mixes nicely with the action. It’s very well written and the plot flows smoothly.
I love that idea of painting the flowers—that was a delightful scene. I wondered what Goddesses did with their time.
A few things you might look at;
She’d only been a delicate sixteen years old when her laughing, unafraid eyes and glowing innocence had enchanted me. (you don’t need had)
I noted the look of incredulity on his face at seeing me attending something such as this and I smelt the fear on his skin before he walked inside, and I smelt the fear on his skin. (?) ( Try this; I noted the look of incredulity on his face at seeing me attending an affair such as this, and I smelt the fear on his skin before he walked inside. )
I was given a wide berth by anyone with a sense of reason as I walked to(?) perhaps walked in or forward) and leaned against a wall.6
The rest of his face was hidden by shadows, and I mourned at( you might take out at?) the fact.
What would you want to do with me? rofl sounds bad. Perhaps what can you want with me?)
Geri
beginning: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Haha thank you for taking the time to help improve my story, I appreciate that so much!
And you have a good point with the last correction, the innuendo didn't even occur to me hahaa.
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I liked the simplicity of it, even though the cradle robbing ticked me off. Nonetheless, Greek myths are odd. I don't like, however, the modern touches like "yeah". Also, Persephone sounds like a dissident teenager. o__O Not very realistic, even for a rewrite. And you might wanna make the love seem more believable as it was in the original myth (tons of lovely peril, etc.).
Overall, I liked it. Hades didn't come off as mean as I think he would really be, but you gotta love the guy (god?)
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Haha, I know that the whole cradle robbing thing is weird, but it's even more weird if you consider that since Demeter and Hades are siblings, techinically Persephone is his niece...
Thank you though, for your honest opinion. And well, in this little version, Persephone is very young. She kind of is a teenager, although the modern touch was just me. I should probably change that.
Also, I didn't want to drag everything on too long, so if you have suggestions as to how to improve the whole love thing, that would be great.
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Splendid!
I love the way you used both Hades and Persephone's point's of view. It showed great contrast to their characteristics and personality's. I already find greek mythology fascinating but you took it to a whole other level. =] -
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Thank yooou
I'm surprised that anyone actually read the whole thing through haha. It's looonggg. -
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Oh believe me it's so worth it, if only you could fav on this site. =/
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Yeah I think you can only favorite authors, not stories, which is too bad because I'd be on a favoriting rampage
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Same here.
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