Death and Desire

I held back my breath, trying hard to be calm. Staring deep at the note… it bugged me a little. I felt so cruel yet so intensely motivated to answer. 1

Once more I read the messy handwriting, written large and lazily in hard-to-read lettering. I glanced up at Benjamin, whose amazingly big blue eyes blinked back at me sweetly. It took me at least a minute to force my mouth to open, and my tongue merely flicked a little inside before I managed to finally speak. “Um… sure… I… will…” the words came out in soft stutters, barely audible to myself.2

Yet Ben heard it loud and clear, his face twitching into an excited smile. My eyes began to water and I quickly stood up, shoving the letter into my pocket. I felt so strange having just accepted it with such denial that I could have gone crazy… 3

I once more pulled out the note… “What is that?” Ashley’s voice echoed in my mind as soon as I first heard it, her golden hair spiraling into thin curls as she swung her face to correspond with her walking. Her amber eyes seemed to glow in the sunlight, and I prepared to take a step back in utter surprise. I couldn’t make myself. She glared at the paper, and at first I wondered if Ben’s messy writing had leaked onto the folded part. She snatched it away from me greedily, forcing a thin smile as she slowly unfolded it.4

She glanced at the paper… and the smile disappeared. “Who’s this from?” she asked in surprise. “You didn’t say yes, did you?” I could feel the tears running down her cheeks, her blush smearing on her almost pale face.5

“No, of course I didn’t…” I could barely bring myself to lie. “I would never betray you, Ash…” my lips curved into a smile which was obviously too fake.6

“Don’t give me your retard paper-thin smile and tell me… who’s this from?” she glared at me, and I momentarily glanced at the words. Just looking at the letter made my eyes burn.7

“Uh… you know Renée right? The foreign exchange student?” she was the prettiest girl I could bring myself to think of- if the girl was pretty she’d know why I was crying… except she’d still break down… I wasn’t even sure if Renée was a foreign exchange student- we’d never actually talked…8

“Her?” Ashley wiped her tears back with her hair, causing the beautiful hair to glitter in the sunlight. Both of us stopped walking and I turned to her.9

“Yes… I said no though, and…”10

“I’m sorry…” Ashley sobbed. “I’m so, so, sorry… she’s so much prettier than me. And…”11

“No! You’ll always be the prettiest… and nobody can be nearly as wonderful as you. I wrapped my arms around her quietly and she choked on sobs, laying her face delicately on my shoulder. I pecked her hair lightly and pulled away. She continued to cry, and from the corner of my eye I saw Ben watching at us, a cat-like stare not wavering from his innocent face.12

I turned from her regretfully. “I’m sorry… I need to go…” I grabbed the note but she held onto it… Without letting it rip, I let her keep it… and as I quickly walked off, I could hear her voice, softly murmuring the words of the note… Over and over again… “Please be my boyfriend.” Such desperate, idiotic words… Clumsy words that I realized she knew in her mind, though she didn’t believe it… words that a girl would never say.13