I'm Sorry, Okay?

There are hardly any words I can say to him to make him truly understand how sorry I am for doing the things that I did to him. I’m not even sure an apology would suffice…I feel like I could get down on my knees and beg him for forgiveness and I still would never have him the way I could have had him before. What can you say to a person whose heart was broken by your own stupid self-centeredness? 1

I’m sorry.2

That’s the only thing that makes sense to me…to say to you. I know that I can never have you back, which breaks my heart, but now I guess I’m experiencing what I have now done twice. You’d think I would have learned my lesson. I spent so much time trying to get that second chance with him that I let my chance with you slip right by. I was stupid; stupid is not even the right word to describe it. I was a moron, an idiot; I was blind, oblivious, selfish…just plain thick in the head to not see how much you actually did mean to me. 3

I wrote this on March 22nd, 2005:4

“ It’s like…I’ve been on this absurd escapade to win him back. But this whole time I could’ve been making a complete fool of myself…for all I know, he does have a girlfriend and they’ve both been laughing at how desperately I’ve been trying to get K to love me again, clueless to the fact that his heart has been taken all along. That hurts me so much because I had his heart and his love at one time and now all of that may be gone. It’s this huge neon sign in my head that is screaming HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!! But I don’t want to see it and I don’t want to hear it, because I love him, but I think it may be way too late for that, which shows that, once again, I screwed up.”5

He did have a girlfriend…and he did love her. He probably still does…I don’t know how to ask him these things without seeming like I’m just prying for information…like I’m desperate to know everything about this girl. I’m not. They broke up…twice, at least so I’ve heard. She broke up with him, stupid girl, and then they got back together, because I know K, he simply doesn’t stop loving a person. Then he broke with her. I don’t know why. I heard all of this from D. She talks to him more than I do…and I hate it. I’m so jealous that she gets to talk to him and I don’t. I can’t even remember the last time I talk to him. I hate that she knows more about him lately than I do. I broke K’s heart and then he broke mine. It’s a circle and I don’t think it’ll stop. 6

This is another time…like a couple weeks ago…May 4, 2005:7

“ I hate her. Do I have a right to hate her even though I do not even know her? I do…I hate her because she has the love of a guy that was once my love. She’s being looked at and touched the way I used to be and it tears me apart, inside and out.” 8

I hate her even more now. How could she just dump him and then take him back? How can it be possible? Why does she get that chance? Where’s mine? Oh wait, it was there. It was there thousands of times, Cassie. You saw it yourself. You’re so blind…oh so, blind. This is your entire fault. I blame you. 9

There is nothing I can do but say I’m sorry, for the both of us. I was a bitch to the both of us. I hurt you, or at least I’m pretty sure I did. I mean, you did say you loved me…and I just said (and this is a real quote) “Um, okay”…because I was so focused on R. Fuck R. What did he ever do for me? He said the same thing when I said ‘I love you’ to him… “You what?” and then proceeded to try to get into my pants.  He was an idiot. He never loved me back…he was only taking advantage of me. I really meant it when I told him that I loved him…I really did. I know I deserved some revenge but that was just cruel. I paid double for the first mistake and now I’m paying double all over again. I really loved him and he broke my heart and in turn I broke my own heart all over again. 10

How can I not stop loving him…how with the things he says to me: (these are all different occurrences and since they were online…they are exactly what he said) 11

Me: wow you'd be one lucky guy...four girls and we're all pretty hot if i do say so myself12

K: you know i would just need you13

It’s just no wonder I can’t get over him…he just encourages me. 14

K: no... but i do believe you're sexy15

He’s the only one that thinks that….16

K: you’re so cute17

Stop it…stop encouraging me…but then again don’t stop.18

I wish I could take back all the things I did before. I wish I could erase that summer before my sophomore year and start new. I would love the right boy and throw the other one away, because that one wasn’t worth it…something I didn’t realize until it was too late. I wish that I could just STOP loving him but you know, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work out that way. Why could I not see K when I had the chance? He loved me…truly loved me…and there’s only a part of him that still loves me like that still…but how could he even think about getting back with me after all that? If it were me, I know I wouldn’t. It’s just…he’s the only guy in the world who sees me for me and doesn’t care. I’m probably one of the oddest characters to grace this earth and yet…yet he doesn’t think about that.  He’s probably the only guy who has ever looked at me and thought I was beautiful and he’s probably the only one who ever will. 19

I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. I love you and I’m sorry. What more can I say?20

Andrew McMahon and Josh Partington definitely knew their stuff. 21

“For these hands that let you go that shouldn't let you go at all that shouldn’t let you go at all”22

“Tell me now you Smile hard cuz I don't smile much so far and is she everything you need? Is she everything I couldn't be?” (It’s actually ‘he’)23

“What makes it so easy for you to be walking by? And what did I do that you can't seem to want me?”24

“Now I'm believing all the words you say that I can't say back to you.”25

“It must be you cause now it's over I was so close that was the most that I have ever been through.”26

“I finally know now what i should have known then.”27

“And if I hurt you then I’m sorry, please don’t think that this was easy.”28