Sunshine warmed my face and I knew that a new day had started at StoryWriteville. The fabric felt rough as it slid down my arms when I sat up to stretch. The smell of iron filled my room and I knew that authors all over were starting to write.1
I swung my feet over the edge of my bunk as I saw a flashing light on my machine. The cold wood floor made me tiptoe quickly to my small table under the window.2
I danced from foot to foot as I listened to my messages and notes. I had fifteen new friend’s stories to read and 30 new messages to respond to. I sighed heavily. It was going to be one of those days. 3
I scrolled through them until Kylia Skydancer’s musical voice drifted out of the device. “We’ve got a problem. Meet Andy Stephenson and I at the station at 8:45 a.m.”4
I glanced at the clock, 8:30. I was going to be late, I sighed again. “Oh well, they’ll just have to deal with it.”5
I went through my routine of shower and coffee. Since I was already late I left off the make up. One last look in the mirror and I was ready to face the site. My red hair would dry as I walked into town. 6
I slipped down the hall, passing a couple of Mods in a heated discussion. Papers were being thrust at each other while voices were raised. I skirted around them trying to avoid detection. Sometimes they tried to pull me or other greeters into the decision, pitting one against each other.7
They didn’t notice me and I sighed in relief. I had been sighing a lot lately. I really didn’t need the distraction today or at this time.8
Outside the sun beat down, baking the ground like an overdone pie, cracked and hard. It was a good thing I remembered my cowboy hat. To my left further down the weathered porch was the main house. This was the welcoming stop before stepping into StoryWriteville.9
As the sun continued to radiate heat down on the back of my neck, I tipped my hat to a few friends I saw chattering under the wooden awning of the general story. I heard snatches of the conversation, but nothing I could put together about the problem.10
My friends gave me nervous grins and limp waves before scurrying inside.11
The people of StoryWriteville were scarce today. The long boarded porches connected each place together and their wooden awnings kept the unforgiving sun off the patrons of these places.12
On my left was GuitarShank’s Saloon, which held the chatterbox. Swanky music, plenty of drink and good conversation could be found there. Shanks kept a peaceful business - any problems and he’d throw you out.13
Next to the saloon, was Barbara’s General Store, home of the forums. If you’ve got a problem or suggestion she’d be the one to see. Pens and pencil of all forms were displayed through the window. All knew if you needed paper or computer time you went there.14
On the other side of the dirt street stood Nocturne’s Boarder House, StoryWrite Bank and the government offices.15
In Nocturne’s Boarder House, with its pristine white walls and picket fence, held some dark groups lurking behind lace curtains. While cheerful and fun groups lounged on the porch. The serious peer review groups crowded the entryway.16
Next to the house was the bank. Bars lined the windows and one of my fellow greeters stood just inside the door guarding the precious contest. I nodded to the greeter.17
The only flag in town was flying high at the next building. It flickered lazily as I glanced through the windows. Piles of paper stood on corners of many desks. Four Mods sat behind those precariously stacked piles, head in hands, as they read away.18
“Looks like we’ve got ourselves a glitch somewhere,” I said to myself.19
Behind the Mods was an opened door. A shadowy figure walked across the entry. Kevin must be in.20
Behind me off to the side of the farm house and bunk house, under mighty oak trees, was the red school house. Writers of all ages holding pens and paper rushed through the double doors. Here the StoryWrite Academy was held.21
I was coming up on the sheriff’s office. There was a crowd pushing up against the stone building. I shouldered my way through them.22
“Coming through. Excuse me.” I noticed some new faces as I stepped up the stairs. My boots made a hollow thud, barely heard through the din. “Thank you.”23
I had finally found the door when it was pulled out of my hands.24
Andy Stephenson stood in the doorway. He did not have his happy face on.25
“What’s the crisis?” I asked as I removed my hat and ran a hand through my hair, hopefully getting rid of the hat hair.26
Andy pushed back a member before shutting the door. 27
“He’s back,” Kylia stated from behind the only desk in the room. She held a single piece of paper.28
“Not-“29
Author notes
This is my minonano challenge for ice wolf.
In a list
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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Very interesting! It definitely gives a good perspective of Story Write. Good for newbies (like me
).
I'm a Grammar Nazi, especially on writing sites. Sorry. I've gotta point these out:
>> paragraph 3 >> First thing: when you have two numbers in the same sentences, with a few exceptions, you usually either have both in numbers (1, 2, 3, etc.) OR spelled out (one, two, three, etc.). In your sentence, you have "fifteen... 30...". It should be either "15 x... 30 y...." or "fifteen x... thirty y..."
Second thing: You say "new friend's stories". Does that mean that your friend has 15 new stories they want you to read? (But if it does, then the 'new' doesn't really fit in, does it?) Or, are you saying that there are fifteen new friends, and they want you to read their stories? In other words, is 'fifteen' modifying 'friends' or 'stories'?
>> paragraph 4: “We’ve got a problem. Meet Andy Stephenson and I at the station at 8:45 a.m.” >> It's not 'I'--It's 'me'. "Meet Andy Stephenson and ME at the station at 8:45 a.m." ... Easy to miss, easy to fix. ;P
>> paragraph 14: Next to the saloon, was Barbara’s General Store, home of the forums. >> If you're saying that Barbara's General Store was next to the saloon, you don't need a comma after the 'saloon'. Otherwise, you're implying that 'was Barbara's General Store,' is an inserted phrase--and if we take that out, the sentence isn't a sentence anymore. "Next to the saloon, home of the forums."
The only exception to this (that I can think of at the moment) is that you are writing this as if you are talking. You know, colloqualism. In fact, I just did it. You write things that are not grammatically/punctuationally correct or unnecessary to give a real sense of the character speaking. Like, "I ain't gonna go ta school. I dun' wanna." Over half of those words are not correnctly spelled, but it does give a good sense of who's speaking and their character.
But if you don't want to, you don't have to take heed of any of these corrections. I actually just love critiquing. (Hah, maybe I should get a position as a teacher. ;P)
Anyway, I definitely enjoyed this. It gives a unique perspection on Story Write. Hope you continue... but if it's a challenge, I understand why not.
Misamiera <3 -
I'm pretty sure everyone else has picked up the rest of the grammar nasties in this, however, I did find one more:
[16] 'While cheerful and fun groups lounged on the porch.' A sentence fragment - maybe tack it onto the end of the last sentence with a comma, remove the 'While', or add something extra to the sentence to make it complete. For instance:
'While those inside were more furtive, other cheerful and fun groups lounged on the porch.'
Overall, an interesting and entertaining snapshot of Storywrite as a community. A good dash of mystery and drama leading up to a well-delivered cliffy.
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Storywrite is now a town! That's great! Tell me, though, who in this is the sheriff? All in all, a good description, and story. Though, I do want a sequel.
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I love this!!
I love the idea of storywriteville. Very imaginitive. I think there were a few misplaced commas, but im very bad with commas so i didnt really take note. If you have more, i would be happy to read it. Well done.
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Wonderful
Of course, no critigue, I'm a newbie and the piece is perfect. I love the way you describe everything.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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Cool! I really enjoyed reading this piece, and at the end I was like...ready to read so much more of it! The way you describe everything, from the places to the people, is simply amazing. It's like I'm there...in more ways than one.
Other than a few grammatical things, I didn't see anything. Of course, I was too caught up to really examine it...but nothing grammatical was distracting, so...
When are you writing part 2?
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I like the description you had to this story. Can't wait till the next part. It was well writen, Keep up the good work!Host
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What a great way to paint our little one-horse town.
I love the descriptions of the buildings and people. It sounds like a little school town from the old west somewhere in Kansas or something. And Shank's Saloon would definitely be my hangout.
With that great ending you have just got to continue it! I'm sure the people who know 'him' are waiting to see where you go with it. So am I. *laughs*
Greg
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This is the way I see our 'little one-horse town' Small, close knit.
I'd be hanging out at Shanks place too as long as nothing legal was going on and such You know with the whole greeters being the sherrif in this story. We aren't, maybe I should have made us the visitors center
Do YOU know who I'm talking about? So far only one or two have guess.
Thanks for reading
Brooke
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What's a minonano? Is that like mono? Joking...
Pretty good, though I hate cliffhangers...I remember reading one in third grade asking the teacher what happened and she said 'I don't know.' 'You have to know.' 'That's how it's supposed to end...'
I got so mad I left. I had nowhere to go so they caught me, but...
Anyway...I liked it. Up till the end of course...lol
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I wasn't sure where I was going with this, so I stopped there. I have a little more idea now Sorry about the cliffhanger
MiNoNaNo is a mini version of NoNaNo. We are NonNaNo challenged so we start small
Thanks for reading and I hope you stop back by and read more when its posted
Brooke
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Such a great 'cliff-hanger' of an ending
Having only been here a few weeks, I found this both entertaining and educational. It's a great way of helping members in getting to know the 'leading' characters of this small but wonderful town. I did notice there was no mention of a jailhouse
I hope you're going to continue with this story, not just because of the magnificent 'hook' at the end, but also because I think you could take this in various directions.
I have a few pointers you may, or may not, agree with:
p3 - friend's - friends'....there's more than one friend therefore it's plural.
p6 - make up - ...I believe this should be hyphernated.
p14 - pencil - pencils
p24 - 'I had finally found the door when it was pulled out of my hands' ..... This comes across to me as you were holding the door and somebody took it from you. May I suggest something like:
'I finally found the door just as someone opened it.'
This is a great piece of originality.
Good work and good thinking
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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It is well written, Brooke, with a lot of activity going on so the pace was great.
not another nano or whatever challenge *scream* so the active members disappear.
I must say I enjoyed this beginning, and look forward to finding out what the problem is—could I name a few. It has to do with a ‘He’ returning 
not Kevin… he hasn’t left.
It is well written, Brooke, with a lot of activity going on so the pace was great. The characters are already colorful and known so it made laughing at them easy.
Not much dialogue (how did you keep Andy wordless
) but what you had fit in with the action.
Terrific hook pulling the reader into the next…wait one minute…
Were do we find the next chapter?
Geri
beginning: 5, plot: 5, characters: 5.
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Eeeeep! You left me hanging! Who is he?????
Once again, your writing is wonderful! I loved this. You really do have a way with description. You painted a perfect portrait of Storywriteville.
I loved how you introduced the SW characters...it's a good way for us 'newbies' to get to know who everyone is.
I noticed one little thing:
P 16....In Nocturne’s Boarder House, with its pristine white walls and picket fence, held some dark groups lurking behind lace curtains.
--- Maybe I'm wrong, but this reads a bit awkward to me. Maybe you could drop the 'In'....???
As usual, very well-written and humorous. I really do want to know who it is that came back!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I'm so glad you found it helpful as well as entertaining.
I have decided to write more of this, since so many have asked and I love the praise
I will fix that mistake, thanks for pointing it out.
Thanks for the read.
Brooke
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Kyle16? Germany18?
Haha, actually, they're one of the few ones I sort of knew.. but I'm sure there must have been a couple stuff that happened during my absence x.x
Are the next parts up? I really want to know what would have the mods holding their heads o.o must be real trouble, haha. *wonders if the "he" is actually a virus*...
Anyway, Brooke, you left me hanging! that and I secretly wanted to see my name up there maybe in the next parts.. *strokes chin*
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I have decided to go on with this story. I'll try to throw as many names in as I can
You're not thinking far enough back. Think back to when the greeters were just forming and this one person pretty much took over and made committees and such. I know you know the name
Thanks for reading Rach and I'm glad you liked it
Brooke -
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Is it really a "he"???
Because.. I'm drawing a blank x.x
Maybe I'm turning senile that or maybe I wasn't there yet? I remember the Fish guy as a greeter, and his girlfriend, the Ivory girl - were they before or after this? x.x
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Well boy howdy! That's a tall tale you got yoreself there!
I love the cliffhanger at the end...someone get banned? *doesn't really want to know* The descriptions of the buildings along the street were hilarious. It's great what you put in each one.
Border House implies that there's a border there. I think you meant Boarder House, right?
p16 it's = its -
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You are so right. Wonder why no one else caught that
The person I'm referring to was here a long, long, long time ago
When I finish it, all will be revealed
Thanks for reading and I will fix the typos
Brooke
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What a cliffhanger! Write more - you absolutely must.
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It will have to wait until the end of this challenge, since the word limit is 850 or something like that
Thanks for the encouragement
Brooke
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uh ohs.
I has sinking feeling. -
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Hahahaha, I know you know who I'm talking about
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Sounds like a pretty town.
I found a few minor things;
p16 "pristine white was" is that supposed to be walls?
p18 "as the read." they?
p21 "bunk house sat, under mighty oak trees, was the" sat and was kind of conflict with each other.
p23 "through the dine" should be din I think
Ack! No! Just when it was getting interesting! Did the glitch get your story too?
To be honest I found it a bit dry, as it's just an introduction to the town I suppose that doesn't hurt. Actually I was thinking to a newcomer to the site it might be a good introduction.
It did make me feel right at home and I can see the town clearly so job well done.
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Thanks for those typos I'm always fixing them. It was just suppose to be a description and I wasn't really going to make a story out of it and still haven't decided yet if I will, but this part just wouldn't stay buried.
Again thanks
Brooke -
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not a problem, like I said it was good as just a description. Doesn't need to be anything else if that's all you intended it to be.
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I always love reading stories about dear old SW. I like where you're going with this, and thanks to that half complete sentence you ended with, am now totally hooked!
A few tickles and suggestions?:
Para 7 - Papers were being thrust at each other while voices were raised.
Para 13 - Shanks kept a peaceful business - any problems and he’d throw you out. (Too many 'and's in the original ... )
Para 18 - Four Mods sat behind those precariously stacked piles, heads in hands, as they read away.
That's all ... hope you continue this!
RJ
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Thanks RJ, I will think on expanding this, but it will have to be after the challenge is over
Fixed those mistakes, thanks.
Brooke
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pretty good Auntie Brooke. I saw a couple of spelling errors. Paragraph 16 should be "with 'it's' pristine", but other than that, I didn't notice anything wrong. I hope you'll eventually expand on this. I want to see what happens. I'll re-read before judging, so you'll get another comment from me on Feb 14.
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Well it is already 777 words and the limit was 850, right? If I do expand on it, it will be after the challenge is over.
Thanks for reading and I will look over it and do some edits before the big day
Brooe -
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that's right. 850 words. but i never said you couldn't do chapters after.
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Teehee. I like it! But I'm not in it... *weeps* Lol.
Great story, Auntie. I love it. I'm very curious to see who it is now! MORE! Please! -
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Wasn't planning on doing anymore, but I'll think about it. First thing I've written in months besides flyer for the school.
Glad you liked it and if I do continue I'll put you in it. Maybe you'll be the "HIM"!!!!!
Brooke
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