Through the Fiber Glass: My chronicles at Hawthron(not done yet)

now: 1

i looked up at Seth, slightly afraid. "Are you fucking serious? We're in a bloody mental box and you want to do this now!" I step away and made my escape. 2

"Rae! Come back here!" I sprinted down the dark hallway willing the heavy feet behind me to trip. His labored breathing seemed so close to mine. I have to get away from this fucking place! Then I slipping through a puddle on the floor. Even before I hit the ground I knew it was piss. "Goddamnit, Kelly!" Who else could it be well either her or Bradley but Bradley was in the quiet room. I slowly got to my feet, disgusted. I couldn't wait to get away from here.3

then:4

It must have come to a big surprise to my mom when she got the call. "excuse me Ms. Douglass. We have your daughter....suicidal...needs help...Hawthorn's." According to that bitch Tobie, Ma had dropped the phone. I could hear her shouts and cries as all the people in there tried to convince her I was crazy. Apparently I'm a danger to myself and am too melancholy for a normal teenager. Duh! Try walking a day in my life and we'll see how cheerful you are. But my defense was unheard, especially when Tennill gave them my journal. the same book i had been searching for since September.5

"This," started Lasis, "Is prove she needs this, Ms. Douglass. '...In the great divide of humanity and insanity I stand alone/ Bloodless/ Faithless/ Scared of what I've become'. We care so much about her. She's so bright we'd hate for her to end her young life by not getting the help she needs."6

That bitch hated me. They all did. Just because I don't smile and wave when they pass and I'm not afraid to tell them what I think, or to ignore them at all. But my mouth always gets me into trouble. What do I care? So when they asked me what i though for the fifth time, I told them.7

"I think it's a bunch of bullshit. You just want a reason behind why I'm not the run of the mill prep student. I'm not going to conform to this mainstream fucked up propaganda just so you can sleep at night and use me as a poster child for your diversity slips."8

Not the best thing to say in my predicament, but it was the truth. And then I got led away to the patrol car. Not really. My ma tried to take me home, but she couldn't stop crying. So I drove us home. It's funny how you never think of things until someone puts it into your head. Sure I'd done somethings to myself I wasn't proud of, but I was never suicidal. But then I want to drive the car straight in to the wrong lane and stop. I wanted to speed 120 mph into a brick build. Hell, I was fine with driving into the Mississippi right then. But I had my mom with me. And they called me suicidal not homicidal...but that could have changed if i ever got them alone.9


Now:10

I sit up in my bed. When I had made it back to the dorm without being caught I don't remember. I smell myself. My Pumpkin spice body wash is strong on me. I look up to see my pjs from last night in my hamper. Must've took a bath before going to bed. The urine wasn't too strong either. A white powder was atop my clothes. Someone prolly poured baking soda on them last night. I sunk back into the sheets and folded my arms across my bare chest, reminiscing my first days here.11


Then:12

I remember the damn list i was given on what to/or not to take:13


'Do not bring:14

underwire intimates
clothes with metal
clothes with drawstrings
pencils
pens
nail files
glass containers
shoes with shoe laces
perfume
make up
earrings
food
unprescribed drugs
floss
mouthwash15

Please bring:16

five pairs on top and bottom intimates
five shirts that are appropriate
five shorts/jean that are appropriate
house shoes
outdoor shoes
toothbrush
nonmetal hair materials
and any washing products you wish that fit guidelines'17


I had turned to my mother, who finally regain her composure, and laughed. "Are these pricks serious?"18

"Don't use that word, Rae. It's not used in polite conversation."19

"Mom. What the hell. We both know all I can only where under wires. I mean I'm a goddamn E! Second no make up. What are these people nuns? And don't get me started on the mouth wash!"20

My mom shook her head and folded her hands. "There's nothing we can do baby. If you don't go the state will take you. If you go willingly, then you'll be out in a few days."21

"Mom the concert and opening night are two weeks away, I can't afford to miss any practices. I'll lose my spot."22

She didn't look at me. She just rose refastened her coat and left to go to the car. I guess she felt the assurance of my mental health was more important that my solo and leading role in Anonymous put together. I wasn't able to handle it. I stomped off to my room and began to rip random stuff out of my draws packing them away. I packed my under wires just to spite, if I can't keep them I'm running away.23

After I finished I threw a fit. Every non break able item was thrown around my room. I tore my ugly baby blankie to shreds with my teeth. I bet the neighbors would've called the cops if they could hear my scream. After two hours of tantrums, i collapse onto my now dirty floor and just cried. 24

It wasn't fair! Compared to most of the people at my school, I was the sanest person on earth! After all the shit I've been through. I've only had two nervous break downs. Ironically all because of Tobie Smith, that bitch! This is all her fault! She's ruined my life. I bit into Franklin and sniffled. I knew my mom had been waiting, but I would take my time. I needed to calm down before i went into the Devil's Den.25

____________________________________26

The drive there was painful. Mom tried to pretend everything was ok by listening to NPR while I glared at the window. I was certain she' d drop me off and back without saying a word, when she lowered to radio.27

"This might help sweety."28

I didn't look at her.29

"You know I stayed as an inpatient for awhile and it helped. Plus your father's insurance is paying for it."30

"Does he even know I'm going?"31

Sigh. "He'll know by this evening when you're not home."32

"What the fuck! You can't do this! Da has to know and also has to give consent. He has majority custody of me. The judge said---"33

"The judge said that under day to day circumstances, that he had the upper hand. But I know what it means to need help dear. And you need help. You need extra care. So I'm calling the shots this time."34

"What about temple?"35

"Maybe a little time on your own can evaluate your father's religion a bit more?"36

My mom's been saying that since I entered Hebrew school. She said it after my bat mitzvah. Now I'm not even surprised. 37

The exchange went pretty quick. Basically she signed me in then signed me out. Nothing to it really. I was lead to the adolescent ward and put in a room with another girl who suffered from "suicidal" thoughts. Every thing besides my shoes, clothes, and hygienics went into a large armoir with a dead bolt. My underwires, which I was allowed to keep, were put behind the locked door as well.38

The aide turned to me and smiled. "Alright, Sarah."39

"It's Rae."40

"Excuse me?"41

"I said, My name is Rae not Sarah."42

The aide's eyes got really thin, making her beady eyes more sinister than before. "Well, I'll just check your charts on that. Anyway, we get up for vitals at seven; breakfast is at eight and group begins at eight thirty. Then we have quiet time from ten to eleven, where we have music therapy, the Physical therapy, the group. After that we have lunch, followed by quiet time at one thirty. At two thirty we have P.E. and we check your vitals. You can spend some time doing ancillary activities and watching tv. At exactly five pm we leave for dinner and come back at five thirty. You shower then have one last group at eight then off to bed. Any questions, good!" 43

I left my hand linger in the air for a moment. "What happens on Saturdays?"44

"What do you mean?"45

"I mean is Saturday like any other day?"46

"Our weekends, if you'd read your packet, begin one hour later and are focused on treatment planning."47

"What about religious obligations?"48

"A minister visits for an hour on Sunday."49

"But I'm not Christian. I'm Messianic-Jew."50

The woman looked me up and down. The girl on the bed moved a bit, paying closer attention. 51

"You don't look Jewish to me."52

My mouth twitched. Uh-oh. "And you don't look like an intelligent person, but I decided to give you a chance to prove me wrong." 53

The woman pursed her lips. "I see. You'll be here a long time."54

"Actually, when my Da finds out my mom illegally signed me in here, I'll be gone. Cause they have to agree on everything. Or at least their lawyers do." I folded my arms but tired to keep my neck from rolling. 55

The woman just looked at me. Then after a few moments she looked to my roomie. "Tell her the rules. Starting with the first and ending with the last." She walked out of the room and down the hall, the swish of her jogging pants. 56

I wait a moment to mock her. " 'Star with the first then the laaassst'. Ugh I hate her already." I fell backwards onto the bed that was mine closed my eyes.57

"She get you back for that."58

I opened my eyes and closed them.59

"She'll make sure you never leave. Then you'll wish you'd never been born."60

I sighed, "Trust me. My life is very hard to influences. She can bring fire and brimstone. It's not gonna phase me."61

Now:62

Now that I look back, it's funny about me going. I wasn't "Crazy" but I did have a major chemical imbalance. They told me that I was depressed and that I suffered from an anxiety disorder. Well to my joy they ended up being wrong. I took their stupid test and found out I was dealing with PTS and I had an OCPD. Even at the end of this I still had to stay.63

All in all I was the only "sane" person there. I mean my roommate (who btw, was named Morgan) did the only thing she could to save her sanity. No one believed that her mother beat her. She had no friends and her father past away a long time ago. Morgan ran away from home twice before coming to Hawthorn's.

"You ran away. that's pretty cool. I wish I had the guts or rather smarts to do that before they dragged me here."64

Morgan just sat curled in her covers, slightly rocking. I knew after a few days on being on SO with her that the rocking meant our conversation was about done.65

"I wasn't smart. I had nowhere to go after the money ran out. there's no escape." nice66


Then:67

I quickly learned to the routine, and I learned to detest it. At seven am we were woken up to do a quick hygeine. At seven thirty we ate breakfast. Then after that we had our vitals checked and participated in group. Then at ten we would go to Art therapy soon followed by another group session. At one we would eat lunch. Then off to physical therapy at two. After we were exercise we would have a lite snack then went to music therapy where we would relax. At four it was time to sit in our rooms and wait for the staff change. By five we had our vitals checked again and sat through another group session. By seven we had dinner. Eight we got levels and washed for the day. At nine thirty most went off to sleep.68

There were many staff in and out, so I don't remember most. I do remember Lil John and Danielle B. They were the best staff all the kids respected them. George and Jacob were next in line, soon followed by Danielle F. I liked Lil John the best because he looked like Mr. T. 69

We would all crowd around him begging over and over. "Please Lil John do it! Please!" He would bat us away playfully. Then with a serious face he'd go, "I pity the fool!" Justine and I would erupt in giggles and clap. That was always the highlight of our day. You see the hospital Center Point with Hawthorn's as the children's unit was a psychosis hospital. You were only sent there for two reason. Homicide or Suicide. Most of the guys had anger management problems and us girl had self image issues. But I didn't feel I fit into these. Sure I knocked a bitch out when they pissed me off or I might be moody five days out of the week, but I was normal. I was normal. But there I sat with teens my age. They sported tattoos and scars so deep and permanent. I felt privileged. I didn't have their problems. How wrong I truly was!