Pierce glanced at the LED screen flashing bright green.
" 2 miles!" he shouted to be heard over the roaring wind and the pattering of icy rain, which shook the small jet like a toy. I pulled back the latch with my thumb and slid the cap off my MT-21, fitting the magazine snugly into the corrugated opening. The cap clicked back on.
" 1 and a half miles!" Pierce's deep voice grumbled. Cpt Pace arose from the metallic benches running across the walls and walked to the top of the jet. The dancing floor made it a perilous challenge, and he held onto the old railings, flakes of rust sticking into his glove. He brushed them off and looked around at the 15 SOU soldiers crowded shoulder-to-shoulder along the the jet.
" You've been through this before so I'm gonna cut the prep talk short. " A gust of wind rolled the jet to the left. His arm shot outwards and gripped the railing.
" You know what you have to do. 2nd floor down. Raykord, you plant the bomb at engines 1 and 2. Guitten, the power generator. Lote ", he glanced at me, " destroy the main power output controller. "
" 1 mile!"
" Baitov and Glasto, you watch their backs. Everyone else stays above with me. No unnecessary risks, understood? "
" Sir, yes sir! " a chorus of voices filled the small space.
" Half a mile left, sir! " Pierce called out, leaving the screen and sitting down beside Baitov.
"All ready? "
" Sir, yes sir! "
" Stand! " We stood up and put on our helmets, the green glass panes plunging the world underwater. The long, glassy eyes and the sharp, intricate respirators reminded me of a praying mantis. Pace walked briskly to the wall and pulled back the door, waves of frosty air surging inwards like stormy waves attacking a lonely headland. The glossy illumination blinded me, forcing my eyes to adjust to the Sireses masterpiece, the Avianor. This huge airship had caused a lot of controversies in the Mauritz government which has finally issued an order for SOU to destroy it.
I looked over it, a massive metallic wasp hanging motionless in the starless skies. It consisted of two parts. A huge ball, encapsulating the liquid plasma inside provided power to the ship. It's golden glow contrasted sharply with the night, making the rest look dull and monotonous. Behind it was long, metallic cylinder, it's truncated end diverging into two, like the tusks of a sabre-toothed tiger. On each side were the engines, growling viciously as they pumped the plasma and kept the monster in the air. On the front were the missiles. Ten of them. Each one was equipped with a laser navigation system to pin-point it's target, before opening and unleashing the dozens of nuclear warheads hidden inside. The damage to Mauritz cities would be unimaginable.
" That's one mean, killing machine " Baitov whispered behind me, eyeing the missiles. The pilots directed us under Avianor's end opposite an outpost ledge and safely out of sight of the Sirese militants on the top deck.
" Go " Pace signalled for us to move. We jumped across to the ledges; Baitov, Raykord, Guitten, Glasto and myself on the left, the others on the right. Pace gestured to the jet pilots. Nodding in return they pulled the jet left and into the foggy darkness. And so we were alone. Miles above the ground. Holding onto a 20 megaton pile of steel in an endless inky emptiness.
" Up " Pace commanded through the radio-linked helmets. I paused on the last rung of the ladders and looked over the deck, a spacious platform housing 6 un-manned anti aircraft guns and the the entrance to the control room on the other side.
I scrambled onto the deck, crouching and ducking out of sight with Baitov following closely behind. We crawled slowly forward, taking as much cover as possible. The rain kept pouring and forming waterfalls over the sides of the deck and sending the water streams into the invisible abyss below. Baitov stopped in his tracks.
" Sirese soldier ahead. " he signalled to Cpt Pace.
" I'll handle him ", Glasto cut in. He sat down, putting the stock firmly against his shoulder and steadying the barrel on his knee. The soddened gale warped our vision and made shooting an arduous procedure.
Thud. The gun recoiled in Glasto's arms. The Sirese crumpled to the ground. Glasto gave a drawn out sigh of relief, clapped on the back by Baitov.
" One down ", Baitov chuckled.
" How many to go? ." It was a rhetorical question.
" Let's keep moving ", said Pacey.
We lined up across the outside walls of the control room. All quiet.
" On my order Guitten..." Guitten nodded and leaned forward in front of the entrance.
" 3 " My heart began to pound in my chest.
" 2 " My stomach clutched slightly.
" 1 " No amount of bloodshed would take away the sickening your body goes through when faced with danger.
" GO! " Guitten raised his foot and slammed the door inwards, which came off its hinges and collapsed on the floor like a medieval bailey across the moat. We rushed inside, the triggers biting into our skins as we held every square inch of the room at gunpoint. Apart from the dead Sirese and the abundance of valves, levers and screens, the room was empty.
" Move, move! "
We stormed the next room with our feet clanging on the brash floors. Empty.
" Sir, look over there " Baitov lowered his gun and pointed across the room to a wide shaft leading underground.
" 2nd level. You know what to do. " We walked to the shaft and looked down and the bright red floor underneath. Clasping the bombs under our shoulders, we grasped the rungs and began to climb down.
Author notes
This is probably my best piece of writing. Please comment and critique. If my sentence structure is wrong or awkward, please point out a small example. Thank you.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I like the way you throw me right into the activity
Great action piece; I take these fellows are on a mission to destroy an enemy ship. Also, I gathered this is not taking place on Earth—or perhaps we are in an Earth of the future?
While I like the way you throw me right into the activity, and I can ‘See’ and ‘Hear’ your characters
, I would appreciate an opening paragraph or two to set me in the time and place. I was a little disoriented 
at first.
Once I got my bearings, I found it a terrific opening to a Science Fiction Novel.
You are very good at plotting. Talented at creating descriptions and dialogue, I look forward to reading more of your novel.
I did pick out a few things for you to look at:
Cpt (Captain—it’s wise to spell out titles the first time they’re used.)
He brushed them off and looked around at the 15 SOU soldiers crowded shoulder-to-shoulder along the the jet. (Remove one the. SOU? Stands for?)
" You've been through this before so I'm gonna cut the prep talk short. " A gust of wind rolled the jet to the left. His arm shot outwards and gripped the railing.
" You know what you have to do. 2nd floor down. Raykord, you plant the bomb at engines 1 and 2. Guitten, the power generator. Lote ", he glanced at me, " destroy the main power output controller. " (Great mixing of dialogue and action to give the reader both the sense of urgency in the voice and the view of the activity taking place.)
This huge airship had caused a lot of controversies in the Mauritz government (,) which has finally issued an order for SOU to destroy it.
It's (Its) golden glow contrasted sharply with the night, making the rest look dull and monotonous. Behind it was long, metallic cylinder, it's (its) truncated end diverging into two, like the tusks of a sabre-toothed (saber tooth or British spelling? Still tooth) tiger. (You are using it as a possessive pronoun not a contraction of it is)
Each one was equipped with a laser navigation system to pin-point it's (its)target, before opening and unleashing the dozens of nuclear warheads hidden inside.
" That's one mean, killing machine " (Coma missing) Baitov whispered behind me, eyeing the missiles.
" Go " Pace signalled (signaled or British)for us to move.
" Up " (missing coma) Pace commanded through the radio-linked helmets. I paused on the last rung of the ladders and looked over the deck, a spacious platform housing 6 un-manned anti aircraft guns and the the (double the) entrance to the control room on the other side.
" Sirese soldier ahead. " he (He) signalled to Cpt Pace.
" I'll handle him ", Glasto cut in. (You have periods on the inside of quotation marks and comas on the outside.) He sat down, putting the stock firmly against his shoulder and steadying the barrel on his knee. The soddened (sodden) gale warped our vision and made shooting an arduous procedure.
" 2nd level. You know what to do. " We walked to the shaft and looked down and (at) the bright red floor underneath. Clasping the bombs under our shoulders, we grasped the rungs (of what?) the wall ladders?) and began to climb down.
Nice hook to send your reader hunting the next chapter.”
Geri
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Cheers!
Thanks for the comment, appreciate it. I've taken a long break from this cause I was lost at chapter 4, it began to all go wrong for me
Hopefully I'll get back to this asap
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Oh and btw, SOU=special operations unit
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This was good
This story has a good beggining, the descriptions are really good and i can't wait to read what happenes next if you are writing a second part.
Good Jobbeginning: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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A good active opening that draws your reader right into the story. You have a group of soldiers on a mission to destroy an enemy ship.
I did find myself wondering why this apparently costly and deadly vessel is so poorly protected. Since this is Science Fiction I do suppose the Mauritz ship and commandoes could be ‘cloaked’ in some manner; but if so you need to tell the reader.
The plot is easy to follow, the main characters visible and the dialogue smooth.
You asked for editing—so I picked out what I saw.
Pierce glanced at the LED screen flashing bright green." 2 miles!" he shouted to be heard over the roaring wind and the pattering of icy rain, which shook the small jet like a toy. (Separate Pierce’s words and another’s thoughts) I pulled back the latch with my thumb and slid the cap off my MT-21, fitting the magazine snugly into the corrugated opening. The cap clicked back on. (each character gets their own paragraph.)"
1(One) and a half miles!" Pierce's deep voice grumbled. Cpt (Capt.) Pace arose from the metallic benches running across the walls and walked to the top of the jet. looked around at the 15 SOU soldiers crowded shoulder-to-shoulder along the the (remove one the—unless he stutters.) jet.
" Stand! " We stood up and put on our helmets, the green glass panes plunging the world underwater. (underwater? Aren’t they in air?. If this is a description you need something like this--We stood up and put on our helmets, with those green glass panes that appeared to plunge the world underwater.)
Behind it was (a) long, metallic cylinder, it's (its)truncated end diverging into two, like the tusks of a sabre (saber)-toothed tiger.
pin-point it's (its) target, before opening and unleashing the dozens of nuclear warheads hidden inside.
" That's one mean, killing machine(,) " Baitov whispered behind platform housing 6 (six)un-manned anti aircraft guns and the the (is the double the intentional?—if so explain.) entrance to the control room on the other side.
" Sirese soldier ahead. " he signalled to Cpt (Capt.) Pace.
The soddened (sodden) gale warped our vision and made shooting an arduous procedure. " Let's keep moving (,) ", said Pacey. (Pace)
" Sir, look over there(,) " Baitov lowered his gun and pointed across the
Hmmm--nice hook
makes the reader want to go on.
Geri
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Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. I appreciate the pointing out the cloaking and the glass panes. For the cloaking part, I'll try and fit in a suitable answer as to why they weren't detected in the next part. Thanks again.
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