Lord of the Shadows

Death. Death all around. The scent ripe in his nostrils. Fear seeped through him and the beast could sense it. He smiled, licked his lips, waited for the right time to strike. The man was screaming, writhing, at the agony of fear, his mind delving into an abyss so deep, so dark, that he no longer knew of anything but death. The man's mouth shut, the screaming ceased and he fell to the floor, weeping uncontrollably, unable to control his emotions. Knees shaking, preventing him from getting back up and his fear grew. In the shadows lurking, waiting, was a monster of unimaginable proportions. The man knew not what this fiend was; only that it was there, and the screaming resumed.1

Knees finally stop shaking, the man stands and looks around but can't see. His panic grows as his mind searches for a logical explanation yet can't find one. Sweat, drenched in it, unable to conrol his fear. "What do you want from me?" he screams into the shadows, wanting yet not expecting an answer, "Why are you doing this?"2

"Cause its fun." came a rasping voice, "Exposing, revealing, each individuals darkest fear, forcing them into blind panic in the face of the unknown. And that's what I am, the unknown, the sum of all fear."3

"You sick freak!" the man bellowed into the darkness, tears streaming down his cheeks, wishing more than anything that he could see again.4

"What's up Danny boy? Havin' a little trouble seein'?" came that voice once again.5

"What? How do you know I can't see?"6

"Who do you think caused this blindness in the first place? Who do you think caused that oh-so-wonderful scent of death to wade up your nose? It was I, Danny boy, and I'm there, right now, in your mind, discovering your fears and bringing them to life. But wait a minute, Danny boy, what's this?"7

"Wh-what's what?" whispered the ashen-faced man, stuttering in fear, heart pounding a mile-per-minute.8

"Well, well. It looks as though I've found your biggest fear, Danny boy, and now I'm gonna act on it." The beast clicked his fingers and the man's vision came flooding back, sunlight blinding him, but then the vision adjusts and the man can see no death, that awful smell vanishing with it.9

He looks up towards the sky, can see a glorious golden sphere shining down through a cloudless blue sky. The heat was unbearable and beads of sweat rolling down his face soon turn to streams. The man glances his surroundings, eyes wide and bloodshot, and finds himself in a barren wasteland. Screaming once more, reaching for his inhaler and not finding it, the attack coming on fast.10

He clutches his chest, clutches the air, but it was too late. He fell to the ground, shaking uncontrollably, his sanity breaking slowly. He lies on his back and stares at the sky, motionless, his vision hazy and gradually diminishing.11

Minutes pass, the man now not breathing at all, yet he is still alive and now longs for death to sweep him away from this unbearable torture. "You havin' fun down there, Danny boy? Cus I'm havin' fun watchin' ya!" As it said this, the beast burst into an unearthly chorus of laughter, which was both comforting yet disturbing, sane yet insane. "No? Not havin' fun? Too bad. But you have to admire my power, right? I mean c'mon, you'd have to be a pretty powerful being to suspend death, dragging out the sweet, sweet pleasures of life..."

A contest entry

Right, um, how can I continue this story or improve it?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Heartsick silver member
    August 27

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    It felt kind of rushed, and disjointed at times, as if you're jamming the pieces of a puzzle together at awkward angles; thus creating an image that doesn't make much sense.

    It has potential, though! Drac covered all the flaws: improve your description, introduce more background, and slow the story down a tad. Other than that...good.

    Sin


  • Drac
    July 19

    Edit | Reply
    I must agree with one of the commens below, saying that it felt a tad bit rushed... But it was still well written, and the idea and premise for this is great! I love the amount of detail in places, yet in some places there is a lack of detail that contrasts the other parts a little bit too much.

    There were a few errors, but nothing that takes anything away from the story. The actual fear itself, and the torture of staying alive after experiencing such a thing is a brilliant thing to write about, though it could have been fleshed out a bit, with a little more descriptions of how the man felt and so forth. You're just introduced to this beast with little explaination of how the beast and the man met, and even where they really are. Just a few things there that could make the story even better =)

    However, this is still good, and well written, with an excellent idea =) Well done ;D

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.

  • Poesy22
    May 26

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    Awesome!

    I love the way each dialogue flows seamlessly into the other. Perfect story-telling.

    I guess you can progress on your story by adding a little bit of characterization, revealing the character's background, the root of his fears, his irrational tendency to believe the negative voices in his head.

    You could let the reader know something more about the 'beast': if he is a product of his imagination and so on...

    In all, this is a very good read. So...

    Let your pen keep bleeding!


  • Marisalyn13
    May 26
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    Gooooooood Job

    I liked it. There was very good description, and it was pretty interesting. Good job!

  • TheDecree
    February 15
    Edit | Reply
    There was good description in this, and I kinda enjoyed the dialogue. The villain was actually kinda funny in his teasing ways as he was killing the unfortunate character. I could really feel the man's fear, you described that well.

    This was nice. (:

    Good luck in my contest. (:


  • SweeneyTodd-girl
    February 15
    Edit | Reply
    It seemed kind of rushed, but I liked the idea.


  • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
    February 13
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    thank-you for your entry i will be reviewing all of the finalists momentarily!


  • GrimDeath
    February 1
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    The sensory details in the very beginning play off very nice, suckign you deep within the story. You should continue on with this story becuase the ending makes it feel as if it was just chopped off and left the rest of world hanging off the cliff. Very well written, hope to read the rest some day if you ever finish. Great Job! Thank you for entering my contest and Good Luck!
    -Grim

  • Twilight-Fan-fic
    January 24

    Edit | Reply

    AWESOME

    Its awesome now so think what it would be like if you took your time I saw the story play out in my mind as I read it was really really good.

    Death. Death all around. The scent ripe in his nostrils. Fear seeped through him and the beast could sense it. He smiled, licked his lips, waited for the right time to strike. The man was screaming, writhing, at the agony of fear, his mind delving into an abyss so deep, so dark, that he no longer knew of anything but death. The man's mouth shut, the screaming ceased and he fell to the floor, weeping uncontrollably, unable to control his emotions. Knees shaking, preventing him from getting back up and his fear grew. In the shadows lurking, waiting, was a monster of unimaginable proportions. The man knew not what this fiend was; only that it was there, and the screaming resumed.

    Has to be my fav paragraph especially the first 3 sentances
    Death.Death all around. The scent ripe in his nostrils.


  • Silver Dancer silver member
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    wow i really like this story i just dont know what came over me but for a second there all i could see was the man screaming brilliant


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    January 20
    Edit | Reply
    Know should be no in the beginning.

    This is rather good but it needs some editing and perhaps a little bit of rewriting, it does seem slightly rushed and a little jumpy. I do like the concept however, the idea of someone making someone else face they're fears, but I'm wondering where it is you intend to take this story. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.


  • Winged Unicorn
    January 20

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    Interesting

    I would be very interested to see where this goes. I was pretty much hooked from the first paragraph although in line 4 I think it's supposed to be "no" not "know". I really liked the fact that it's about this guys worst nightmare especially when you don't know who the guy/creature responsible is. It is suitably dark and seems to be along the same vein as a christopher pike novel. Since he used to be one of my favourite authors I am looking forward to seeing how this story progressed. I hope you continue this.

  • terribly-tormented
    January 19
    Edit | Reply
    u have to it totally freaked me out x

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